Thursday, November 27, 2008

Melancholy Moment

This isn't my normal kind of post, not that I really have a regular type of post. Shit, I haven't even updated this thing in 2 months, but it's screaming in my head to come out. I'll probably delete it later, but I thought I'd get it out for now. The holidays suck for me normally, but this year, they seem to suck a tidge more. I'm really hoping this malaise doesn't last until January.

I don’t know why I still love him. He’s a shit person. He never really loved me and he subtly (and sometimes, not so subtly), never let me forget it. He made me feel bad about myself without ever saying a word. He was killing time with me and I knew it. I wanted it to be different, but it wasn’t and it never would be. And yet, I still love him. I still miss him. I still want him back. What the fuck is wrong with me that I would want that? What is wrong with me that I miss someone I never had? 4 years together, but I never really had him.

He didn’t abuse me. He wasn't mean. He didn't yell. He didn’t mistreat me. He just kept me at arms length. He just didn't love me.

I still dream about him. In fact, more now than I did when we were together and more now than I did when he first left. The dreams are usually the same. I can smell him; his shampoo and deodorant and soap, the slight hint of cigarette smoke. Usually, he apologizes to me. Usually, I forgive him. I always touch his hair. Doesn’t matter if it even fits in the dream, I always manage to touch his hair. One time, he wrapped his arms around me and buried his face in the back of my neck, fingers laced with mine and he said he was sorry. He told me he missed me. He said all the things I wanted to hear for so long. I woke up crying and I could still smell him. And feel his breath on my neck. And I missed him. GOD, I missed him.

Most days I’m fine. It’s been 8 months; I should hope I’d mostly be fine by now! But some days, especially this time of year, are harder than others. I miss cooking for us. I miss buying frilly lingerie to entice him. I miss him fixing my car or taking out the trash or just changing a light bulb for me and then teasing me about being so short. I miss him burning CDs for me and I miss buying him his favorite movies and eating 4 different kinds of ice cream, because we couldn't pick just one, while we watched them together. I miss his sarcastic and hilarious texts. I miss feeling his hand on my hip.

There’s so much I don’t miss. SOOO much. But sometimes, like tonight, I just miss his presence.