You're Not the Mom of Me!

Not Everyone Can Be An Astronaut

2011-01-26T12:03:00.001-05:00

In pursuit of my latest addiction, Aquafina lip balm, (SHUT UP, addiction is a serious matter and is not something to be ridiculed!) I went to DrugMart, by my house. I call it MethMart and trust me when I tell you that in order for me to willingly go there, I was DESPERATE for my balm fix. I found my presssshhhus (and maybe some blueberry cheesecake ice cream, again, stfu, thankyouverymuch) and headed to the checkout line. The girl behind the register was about 19 or 20 and was a big fan of glittery eyeshadow and lip piercings that maybe looked a tidge infected. This was our conversation.

Me: Hi, how are you?
Her: What?
Me: How are you?
Her: Oh.
Me: . . .
Her: I've never seen this before. I didn't know Aquafina made lip balm.
Me: It's great - it's my new favorite.
Her: What does it taste like? Does it taste like water?
Me: . . . Pardon?
Her: The lip balm, does it taste like water?
Me: Um... no. It tastes kind of minty.
Her: Oh. I don't think I would like that.
Me: Pardon?
Her: I don't think I would like that. Huh, it's weird.
Me: Oh... um, well, I have a lot of lip balms that are mint-flavored, so I guess I'm used to it.
Her: No, I meant mint-flavored water. I didn't know they had that. I don't think I'd like it.
Me: . . . *blink* Ummmm? What?
Her: Aquafina. I didn't know they made mint-flavored water.
Me: Oh... I don't think they do. I think just the lip balm is mint-flavored.
Her: Oh. I wonder if there's lemon-flavored water. That would be good.
Me: Hmmm, ok, have a good night!

Aaaaaand scene.

I hope she enjoys working at MethMart and more importantly, I hope MethMart enjoys her, because she's probably not going to be receiving multiple offers of employment on a regular basis...

Conversations with My Father - Pt. 8

2011-01-08T13:22:00.000-05:00

Dad: Lainey, do you put the tops back on bottles when you throw them away?

Me: Huh?

Dad: When you throw away your plastic bottles of whatever, do you put the lid back on?

Me: Um, I might. I think probably I do.

Dad: Stop doing that! I saw something where there are MILES and MILES of floating bottles, MILLIONS of them, in the ocean. It's just awful. MILES of them, Lainey. Covering the surface of the ocean!

Me: So, that doesn't happen if you leave the lids off?

Dad: No, then they just sink to the bottom and no one can see them.

Me: Soooo, your concern is not the pollution of the oceans, it's one of aesthetics?
Dad: Oh, yes, of course. I'm sure the ocean floor is covered in trash, but I don't give a shit, because I can't see it. The floating bottles just look tacky, don't you think?

End of the Year EXTRAVAGANZA!!*

2010-12-31T23:13:00.000-05:00

*Not really if you're going by the actual definition of EXTRAVAGANZA.

So, 2010 is ending and I can't complain. I've had a pretty decent year. I lost (what I thought was) a good friend, but I've made a lot more. I've been remarkably healthy (did I just jinx the shit out of myself?) and so has my dad (I'm sure I just jinxed him). I got my apartment Extreme Makeover-ed, ok, not technically, but I did get nice new carpet, paint, windows, and furniture. Hell, I have HEATED STEPS up to my back porch, so yeah, that's awesome and nothing to sneeze at. I've met some Pajiban/Facebook friends this year. Maybe had sex with one or more of them. That was fun! And I tried a whole bunch of stuff I've never tried before (that's not related to the last sentence about sex). Turns out that macaroni and cheese is pretty damn good. WHO KNEW? Oh, right. Everyone. But, just for the record, I still haven't tried that fluorescent orange shit in the blue box and I don't intend to. I also tried a few fancy beers and it turns out that I kind of like them a little and would maybe want to try more. This coming from the girl who didn't like Bud Light because it "tastes too beerish".

What else? I got a new cat, because why not? He's chatty as hell and oppressively affectionate, but he's nice to have around since the other one only pays attention to me when she wants food. Willow hates him, but I think she'll warm up. She's too nosy to just ignore him, so I suspect he'll grow on her after a bit. Speaking of, Thirteen has become not only tolerable, but actually likable. I certainly didn't see that coming! Oh, and Coke Zero is still delicious, despite what CERTAIN people (*coughKolbycough*) say.

I never imagined that I'd be 40 and single and living in Ohio, it's not like it was my dream as a child, but turns out, it's not so bad. Just a few years ago, I couldn't imagine making enough money to live comfortably, having a career I'm good at (and mostly like, though I'll deny it), and enjoying my life. Enjoying my friends. Enjoying my comfort with myself. It's actually kind of neat.

So, I hope 2011 is as good or better for me than 2010 was and for my friends who had less delightful years, I hope 2011 kicks the shit out of 2010 for you!

Thanks for coming around year after year! Especially you folks who keep searching for "what's the opposite of exciting" and winding up here. You have NO idea how much that amuses me.

Cheers and Happy New Year!

Conversations with My Father - Pt. 7

2010-10-10T20:01:00.001-04:00

Now I think he's messing with me.

Dad: Hey, will you make me a Facebook?

Me: What? Why? You don't have a computer.

Dad: I know, but you could give me updates from people and then tell them what I'm up to.

Me: . . .
Dad: Everyone keeps asking me if I have a Facebook and I tell them I don't, but that you do, so they said you could make me one.
Me: Well, that's true, I COULD make you one, but you wouldn't be able to use it because you don't have a computer.

Dad: I KNOW, LAINEY, but YOU have a computer.

Me: I don't understand. Do you want me to bring my computer over?

Dad: *sigh* No. I want you to make me a Facebook.

Me: . . .

Dad: Just make me a Facebook and then tell me what people say.

Me: WHAT PEOPLE? I can't just MAKE you a Facebook and people will magically appear!

Dad: Yes, they will. They'll see that I have a Facebook and then they'll friend me.

Me: Do you even know what "friend me" means?

Dad: Yes, Lainey, I'm not retarded. They'll be on my friends list and I can see what they're doing.

Me: But YOU won't be able to see what they're doing, because you don't have a computer!

Dad: But YOU do!

Me: I swear to god, I'm gonna' punch whoever told you to get on Facebook. Just CALL people if you want to know what they're up to.
Dad: That's SO 2005

Pucker Up!

2010-09-20T16:57:00.002-04:00

Ok, so you guys know how I maybe have a wee addiction to lip balm, right? It might be out of control now. I've designed the entire theme of Employee Appreciation Week around my addiction.

A couple of months ago, my boss, Thirteen, and I went to an HR conference. There were a bunch of different vendors with booths & swag, and one of them, the Cleveland Zoo, was passing out lip balms with their logo. Ok, well A) The ZOO!!! and B) Lip Balm!!! Hello, happy Lainey! Turns out that this is like the best lip balm ever (Yes, I say that about EVERY new lip balm, but this time I mean it. It's like I tell every guy that he's THE BEST, I'm sure I've actually meant it once or twice...) and the label lists some company in Cleveland that makes it.

I looked it up and they will make lip balms for your company, with your logo, for some ridiculously cheap fee of like $.50/tube. The catch is that you have to buy 100+. Here's the thing, I actually THOUGHT about buying them myself, putting MY logo on them (Bobainey Balm - Pamper your pucker, sucker! Cute, right? I KNOW!), and then sending them to you kids with your Christmas cards, but then the reality set in of having 100 lip balms sitting in my house and me having to actually address and mail 80+ Christmas cards, which would STILL leave me with 20 lip balms, and yeah, that idea fizzled out.

I did some thinking and then some more and then I took a nap. Then it dawned on me! If we make Employee Appreciation Week be about relaxation and pampering, I could totally order these for our employees, get the company to pay for it, AND have my own personal stockpile of fantastic lip balm! I AM AN EMMEREFFING GENIUS!

Wait, it gets BETTER! So, because Thirteen enjoys projects, I assigned this to her. She got in touch with them to get pricing information and other pertinent info and they sent us a DOZEN lip balms to choose from before we order ours for the employees. I now have SEVEN lip balms sitting on my desk. SEVEN. So great. (I let her keep 3 and give 2 to the admin assistant because I'm benevolent and a good sharer and shit.)

Oh, so anyway, Employee Appreciation Week is still going to be all about pampering and relaxation and feature the lip balms, but I don't even care anymore, I got what I wanted. We're also having cookies and tea. Because I LIKE COOKIES.

The end.

Oh, Dad...sigh

2010-09-07T20:12:00.000-04:00

So, look what Denny bought me:

He said it's "festive" (he LOVES that word) and I could put it on my desk at work. OH, by the way, you can't really see it, but the witch's skirt thinger has sparkly crystals dangling from it, BECAUSE OF COURSE IT DOES.

So, I just chalked it up to another case of "Huh, Denny really doesn't know me, does he?" But THEN, he gave me another gift and *sigh*, no, he knows me.

So, Happy HallowLaborWeen Day from Denny BoBainey, y'all!

Conversations with My Father - Pt. 6

2010-08-30T22:28:00.000-04:00

Dad: Here I brought you a chicken.

Me: Um, great, thanks. Why?

Dad: 'Cause you like chicken.

Me: True... is it a live chicken?
Dad: That is literally the dumbest question you've ever asked in your life.
[-- ed: if ONLY that were true.] Also, I brought you some trail mix. I don't like it. It has too many nuts.
Me: ...? It's trail mix, dad, it's mostly nuts.

Dad: That's why I don't want it. I mostly liked the M&M's.

Me: Then just buy a bag of M&M's.

Dad: That's unhealthy.

Me: Then buy a bag of peanut M&M's and dump some raisins in the bag.
Dad: I'm TOTALLY going to do that! Brilliant.

HR Has Feelings, Too, You Know!

2010-08-11T20:28:00.001-04:00

First off, I hate talking or writing about work. Work is boring. No one wants to hear about someone else's work. Why should I presume to think that MY work is any more interesting or valid than anyone else's? That said, I'm about to launch into a story/rant about work. So, you've been warned and can now choose your own adventure: quit now and go do something else or keep reading knowing that I'm babbling about work. Oh, and it's not a funny story. I feel like I should also say that upfront. It's not sad or anything, but it's not something you're going to think, "Oh, that Lainey! What a character!" That's probably not gonna' happen. If it does, please feel free to let me know.

I spent over an hour in a meeting today to discuss what to do about an under-performing employee. This is the third such meeting I've been in over the past 2 weeks. All about different employees. The focus of today's meeting was a middle-aged woman with some type of illness (maybe Parkinson's?) that she's not really willing to discuss with us and that she INSISTS is not affecting her productivity in any way. It should be noted that this employee has either had this affliction since she started with us 5 years ago or she's just always been an under-performing employee. Her problem is that she's slow. Like sllllooooooowwwww slow. Also, she doesn't really seem to grasp simple concepts and does not take any responsibility at all for her poor performance and insists that we are just out to get her. By way of comparison, other employees enter/bill 100 trips a day; she enters/bills 30. Her supervisor and manager have spent many, many, many hours coaching her and training her and trying to get her up to speed. They've taken away extra tasks and assigned them to other employees and when she still wasn't able to hit the minimum requirement, they took another chunk of responsibility away from her and sent her through training again. During all of this she has maintained that there's not a problem and that they're just picking on her.

The supervisor and manager don't want to fire her, my boss doesn't want to fire her, no one wants to get rid of her, but there's nowhere else for her to go within the organization. I guess the reason I'm writing this is because I get SO tired of hearing people say things like, "HR is out to screw people", "Corporations only care about the bottom line", "Employees are just numbers", blah, blah, blah. You know what? SHUT THE FUCK UP. Of course companies are concerned with the bottom line! If you work for a company that isn't, I suggest you start looking for a new place of employment, because yours isn't going to be around for long. HR is NOT out to screw people. Holy crap, do you even know how much fucking paperwork is involved to write-up and/or fire someone? How much extra documentation has to be done? It's ridiculous. HR doesn't want to screw you. HR doesn't even want to deal with you, so there's no way in hell they're TRYING to get you in trouble. As far as employees being "just numbers", that's just dumb. It's a symbiotic relationship. The company exists to make money. That's its function. In order to make money, the company must have employees and in order to pay the employees the company must make money, so the employees must perform in a satisfactory and productive manner in order for the company to make the money to pay the employee for the satisfactory and productive work. SEE? It's a cycle. They depend on each other.

Are there incompetent, jackassy, unethical, supervisors, managers, and directors in companies? Absolutely. Does management sometimes hate one of their employees? FOR sure. But, overall, supervisors, managers, and HR are all there, the same as you, trying to do a good job. Trying to balance the needs of the company with the needs of the many employees. They're trying to get their work done, while they review yours and they don't want to discipline or fire people. They will hold many meetings (and sometimes sweep things under the rug) and review policies and lose sleep over the decision to terminate someone's employment. The COMPANY may be an entity, but the people making the decisions and doing the hard task of writing someone up or eventually firing them are PEOPLE. These people really aren't rubbing their hands together and twirling their mustaches and cackling with glee over the prospect of screwing you over, they're trying to find ways to help you, so that you are a productive and satisfactory part of the work cycle. Please stop believing that Corporate America is out to GET YOU. That seriously doesn't even make sense if you really stop to think about it and every time you repeat that little motto, it helps to create an environment of distrust and resentment and takes away YOUR ownership of your own life and your own destiny. It makes you a victim. Stop it.

Unless you're an asshole. Then maybe your HR department is out to get you. (I'm kidding. Mostly.)

Conversations with My Father - Pt. 5

2010-08-01T14:26:00.001-04:00

Dad: I bought you some eggs.

Me: Oh, um, thanks?
Dad: From the bar.
Me: You bought me eggs at a bar? What? Are they pickled or something?

Dad: No. God. From the Farley's farm. They have chickens.

Me: Oh, ok, well now that you've cleared that up...

Dad: And I got you some of that pepper cheese you like.

Me: Do they have cows, too?

Dad: What? Who said anything about cows? *Chickens*.

Me: I know, chickens make eggs, but cows make cheese. Well, they don't MAKE cheese, but, you know.

Dad: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: Right. I'm the crazy one.

Dad: Oh, no, the cheese is from Sam the Amish Cheese guy.

Me: There's an Amish guy who sells cheese in the bar? Does he drive his buggy into the city?

Dad: Dammit, Lainey! No, Sam's not Amish, he sells Amish cheese.

Me: Ok, well that was unclear. You said "Sam, the AMISH cheese guy", not "Sam, the Amish CHEESE guy".

Dad: What?

Me: The emphasis would be different.

Dad: I didn't emphasize anything - YOU did.

Me: I know, I just... never mind. Thank you.

Phone rings 20 seconds later...

Dad: They also have goats.

Me: WHAT?

Dad: The Farleys. Chickens and goats, but they don't have goat cheese. Do you want me to ask Sam, the Amish CHEESE guy if they have goat cheese?

Me: No, I don't like goat cheese, but thanks.

Dad: Then why did you ask about goats?

Me: WHAT? I didn't say anything about goats - YOU did.

Dad: I don't think that's true, but if you say so. Why would you lie about goats?

Me: I ... do you TRY to make my head hurt?

PS: I was trying to find an appropriate photo to accompany this post, but INSTEAD I found Pygmy goats and OHMYGOD, now I want a Pygmy goat more than anything! Look how cute they are.

Things That Are Bothering Me TODAY

2010-07-18T16:19:00.001-04:00

Having to clean ALL of the things when I feel like I JUST cleaned ALL of the things when I MOVED ALL of the things. There should be a free pass for 90 days after that.
Dropping my toast on my new couch - butter-side down.
Anyone who says I shouldn't be eating toast on my new couch.
Emails from people telling me they miss me, but those same people never being particularly engaged in talking to me when I'm around.
Blogger REFUSING to go to the next line when I hit "enter" and making me MANUALLY drop to the next line.
Lying down too quickly and smooshing my boobs.
Cat hair.
Guys who send me emails from the personals thing that just say, "Hey - how you doing?" I'm fine. REALLY, that's what you came up with as an opening? Go sit down. Oh and part two of this? You don't have to be a good speller anymore, that's why Al Gore invented Spellchecker. Use it for fuck's sake.
The cat who REFUSES to sit on the window perch that I bought and installed for her and instead lays on the bathroom floor. Jerk.
Amazing sex dreams in the morning that won't get out of your head for the rest of the day.
Humidity making my hair look like Roseanne Rosannadanna.
Having to look up how to spell Roseanne Rosannadanna.
People who are too young to know who Roseanne Rosannadanna is.
Hot guys who are too young for me.
Hot guys who are too married for me.
Hot weather that is too hot for me.
LeBron James.

AWKward!

2010-07-11T20:57:00.000-04:00

Ok, real quick - so this is NOT part two of the other post - I'll get to that later. This is just a little exchange I had with my father. Oh, backstory, um, my sexyfuntime friend will be here tomorrow night and we will be, um, getting together.

Dad: Lainey, can you take me up to drop off my car at the shop tomorrow when you get off work?
Me: Um, can I take you up there tonight? I have plans tomorrow night.

Dad: Right after work? What are you doing?

Me: Um, a friend is in town.

Dad: Ok, well, I was going to make dinner and wanted to see if you wanted to join me.

Me: Oh, thanks. Um, can we do it another night?
Dad: Well, why don't you just bring your friend by?
Me: We have plans already.
Dad: What are you going to do?
Me: What's with all the questions? I don't know. Probably watch a movie and catch up. We haven't seen each other in awhile.

Dad: Ok, well if you get bored, you and your friend can come by for dessert.

Me: OKGREATTHANKSBYE.

Awkward.

Out with the Old and in with the New (or OwtOaiwtN for those who prefer acronyms)

2010-07-10T18:57:00.000-04:00

As you may have noticed (or not, I don't know how observant some of you are), I've not been around much lately. Here, Pajiba, and even Facebook, to a degree. Lots of stuff going on - some good, some bad, but all for the better, I think.

Oh, but first, I owe you an update on the sabotager (I'm sorry, but "saboteur" just sounds so snooty). After extensive observation from our IT department, we felt there was enough evidence to support the suspicion that she had been deliberately sabotaging her co-worker's reports and we fired her. She denied, denied, DENIED it and then accused IT of setting her up. Unemployment disagreed with us and despite PAGES of documentation, awarded her benefits because we didn't have definitive proof that she did it. I guess you have to actually videotape them doing it and then you probably have to prove that the video is actually of THEM and not some look-alike that you hired and then you probably have to send them DNA evidence, too. Whatever.

Moving on. Blogger has new templates and since I've made over my entire apartment in the last month, I decided to make over this here fancy blog, too. Let me know what you think. (Or, if you just want to make an assy comment, don't let me know what you think. I don't really have a lot of patience for assyness right now.) Back to the apartment! Those of you on Facebook are probably sick to death of hearing about the redecoration EXTRAVAGANZA, so feel free to skip ahead. To the rest - OMG, I TOTALLY got my apartment redid and it is SO exciting! I've lived here for 12 or 13 years and while I've always liked my apartment, I never LOVED it. I always liked its potential, but it never lived up to that potential because the landlord wouldn't put any money into it and I wouldn't either. The paint was old and cracked and yellowed, the carpet was a hideous barf color and really qualified more as a mat than a carpet, and the windows were just... rattley glass in hard to open frames. On my end, the furniture was all mismatched, over-sized crap I got from friends or bought a piece here or a piece there, and I had kind of given up on making it look nice, because no matter how much I cleaned (FINE, no matter how much the person I hired to clean cleaned) it still looked like a mishmash of clutter and dingy neglect. NOW, THOUGH? Sparkly and clean and pretty! New carpet and fresh paint in cheery yellow and ice blue, brand-spankin' new double-hung windows, which holy cow, I've never had new windows before and I *might* have a slight obsession with cleaning them (Ilovethemsomuch!), and new blinds that are being installed by my landlord as I type this. I bought a whole new living room and dining room set and a new bed, plus little extras like pictures, bookshelves, and a red microwave. How does the red microwave have any relevance? It DOESN'T. I just WANTED it, is that OK with YOU? Anyway, it's been a lot of work packing up and moving all of my crap & throwing out tons of junk, but it's all pretty and new now and I'm happy as can be! It even has that new carpet smell instead of old, dusty, years-of-smoking smell.

Balls. This is getting really long and I have a lot more to say, but I hate reading super long meandering blog posts, so I'm going to save it for PART 2: EXTRAVAGANZA SUPERSEXYNOVA OF SPARKLEBLAHBLAHBLAH. Or something.

Oh, ok, but real quick - I bought these fun trash bags because I had to cart like, I don't know, A MILLION bags of crap out before the carpet could be ripped out and replaced and I am nothing if not frivolous. How cute are these!? I KNOW, right?

Conversations with Susie (Which Are Almost As Stupid As Conversations With My Father)

2010-07-08T12:38:00.001-04:00

I've been friends with Susie since high school and we talk on the phone once or twice a month. She has a memory like an elephant, but it's not really put to good use. Last night I was on the phone with her for about an hour. Below is a condensed version of a portion of our conversation:

Sus: Hey, remember Steve Davis from Mission Viejo?
Me: No
Sus: Yeah, you do. Remember he was in Miss Miner's English?
Me: No, I didn't go to Mission
Sus: Oh, yeah. Ok, but remember that time we were at that party at Matt Evers' house?
Me: No. I don't think I was there.
Sus: Yeah, you were. Remember, because that one girl had on that black catsuit with the belt?
Me: Um, no. I don't remember that.
Sus: OH COME ON! You remember and we were all laughing about the belt, but Kellie thought it was cute?
Me: Nope, still not sounding familiar.
Sus: Ok, well anyway, he was there with that girl from El Toro.
Me: What?
Sus: STEVE DAVIS? He was at that party with that girl from El Toro.
Me: I have NO IDEA who Steve Davis is!
Sus: Yes, YOU DO. Ok, remember when we went to the beach that time for the volleyball thing, but it rained, so we went back to Roland's brother's house?
Me: Yeah, kind of.
Sus: Ok, so Steve was there because he was friends with Roland's brother's friend.
Me: Ok
Sus: Do you remember him? He was tall and had dark hair.
Me: No.
Sus: He used to have this weird sneeze where he actually said "AAACHOOO", remember?
Me: No. But, whatever, go on.
Sus: *heavy sigh* OH, OH, OK, remember when Julie Graham and her cousin came back from Arizona and they had a party?
Me: Yes, I remember that.
Sus: Ok, Steve was at that party and he was standing in the backyard and climbed over the fence for no reason!
Me: OK, yes, I kind of remember that!
Sus: RIGHT? Ok, so you remember him?
Me: Yeah, kind of...
Sus: Ok, so the other day, I ran into his brother at Costco! How random is that?
Me: And?
Sus: Oh, nothing, I just thought it was weird because I hadn't thought of Steve Davis in 20 years.

This "story" was at least 10 minutes long. She wasn't even HIGH, y'all.

What a Weird Day

2010-05-24T20:54:00.001-04:00

Hi! I think it's only fair to warn you that this will not be interesting or entertaining, but hey, that's just how life goes sometimes, ya' know?

So, last night I did not sleep well at all. I suck at sleeping normally, but last night I was extra bad at it and got a total of maybe 3 hours and yet still woke up in a fairly decent mood. I bopped out to my car this morning and grabbed my sunglasses from their spot, put the key in the ignition, all the lights lit up, and then nothing. Car no go. I called my friend, the race car driver, because he knows a bit about engines and also because WHO WOULDN'T want to talk to me first thing on a Monday morning? He asked a couple of questions and told me it was the battery (which, I totally thought he was full of shit because the lights and stuff worked, but I went with it anyway, because, well, he's a guy and he knows about cars and because I didn't feel like arguing with him) and that a jump would probably get it started and I should get a new battery. I called my boss and said I'd be late (oh and I had Thursday afternoon and Friday off, so I'm SURE my boss was all, "Really? Seriously, you're going to call in late on a Monday after a long weekend? Really?") and then called my dad and woke him up. I asked him if he would jump my car (even though I still really didn't think it would be that simple) and he, because he's a very nice guy, said sure and then showed up in his boxers. He at least had the decency to put on a shirt, but evidently it was too difficult to pull on a pair of jeans over those boxers... Anyway, he told me my jumper cables were "girl cables" (No, they were not pink. I don't know what the hell "girl cables" are, but whatever) and would use his instead. Hooked it up and voila' - started right up. Dammit, I hate it when that boy is right! (Thank you!) Oh and then my dad taught me how to use the jumper cables - twice, because I am apparently not bright enough to understand red to red and positive to positive and the directions written on the tag attached to the cables...

Most of the day went by as usual - catching up on emails and FMLA paperwork and reading the EMPHATIC opinions of the LOST finale, when my boss called me in to her office. So check this out, we have an employee who is sabotaging another employee. There's this guy who runs reports and saves them to a shared drive and then this saboteur (is that a real word?) is going in and changing his reports or deleting portions of them and this guy keeps getting blamed for having fucked up work! I KNOW, RIGHT? Like for months, he's been getting in trouble for errors on his reports and for missing & incorrect information and he's been going crazy telling his supervisor that he did the report correctly and everyone just thinks he's a dumbass or a lying dumbass and come to find out, his co-worker is totally SCREWING him over! He started taking screen caps of his reports and emailing them to another co-worker, so he can prove that he did it correctly and blah, blah, blah, the IT guys did something and figured out that this co-worker of his was logging in as him, but from her computer, I don't know it's all computery... all I know is this chick is a fucking piece of work and I'm curious to see how this plays out. AND THEN zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz sorry, I launched into a totally different REALLY boring story and decided that even I didn't care enough to finish it, so you probably wouldn't care enough either. I'll just leave you with this - I spent $25 on a bottle of shampoo. Because I have zero impulse control and because that damn Meg told me I should, so now I'm off to wash my hair and it better be A-FREAKIN'-MAZING.

Oh sorry, how rude of me - how are YOU? Anything you'd like to share with the other kids?

Conversations with My Father - Pt. 4

2010-05-05T10:00:00.002-04:00

*sigh*

You guys? I'm almost starting to suspect that some of you are messing with me. My dad called. *sigh*

Dad: Hi, I know you're at work and can't really talk, but I bought a UPS and I need you to help me with it.
Me: What?
Dad: You know, one of those UPS things.
Me: *sigh* ... Umm?
Dad: For driving. A CPU.
Me: Wait, you just bought this? What does the box say it is?
Dad: Dammit, Lainey, it's just one of those CPS map things! Jesus, sorry I don't know the EXACT name of it!
Me: A GPS? You bought a GPS? WHY? I have one, you can have mine.
Dad: I don't want yours, I have my own now. Can you come by after work and teach me how to use it?
Me: Dad, you drive cars for a living, I'm pretty sure you know every single road in this city, why do you need a GPS?
Dad: Because I just DO. Can you stop by or not?
Me: Sure. I haven't had a headache in 3 whole days, so yeah, I'm about due...

Phone rings 20 seconds later:
Dad: Will this plug into my phone or does it get wired in through the odometer? (True story!)

Here's a bonus conversation for you. This took place a couple of years ago.

Dad: What's that one movie?
Me: Which one movie?
Dad: The one with that guy I like.
Me: ....Umm?
Dad: *sigh* You KNOW. The one with the Other Ben.
Me: You mean Matt Damon?
Dad: YES, what's that movie?
Me: I have no idea...he's in a lot of movies.
Dad: Dammit, Lainey, you know the one! The one with that girl who was like a crazy, teenager, stripper with the girl from Clueless.
Me: ... ....
Me: Armageddon?
Dad: YEP, that's it!
Me: That was actually Ben Affleck, not the Other Ben.
Dad: Oh, ok then, well what's that one movie with the Other Ben?
Me: I'm done with this conversation... I have a headache.

Feelings Are STUPID.

2010-04-27T23:44:00.000-04:00

I don't trust people very easily. I'm very trusting, but I don't put my actual trust in many people. Does that make sense? I believe people when they tell me shit (almost too much, I'm super gullible), but I don't really tell a lot of people my shit...especially about my feelings. I'll fill out all the stupid Facebook memes you want and update my status 9 times a day, I'll give vague answers to questions via email, or empathize with an employee by using personal anecdotes, but I won't really talk about anything important or how I feel. I'll tell you what I did or what I said, but rarely how I feel. Hell, this here fancy blog is the closest I've ever come to talking about stuff that really matters to me and even then I mostly dance around it, because now I'm all self-conscious since I "know" a bunch of you. There are only a handful of people that I've really opened up to in my life...a handful in MY LIFE and I'm 40, so, you do the math. I've been deeply hurt by almost all of them. Sometimes it's something egregious and unforgivable and sometimes it's just the realization that they're not the person I thought they were. Both scenarios hurt like a sonofabitch and send me to bed with stomach aches and a giant lump in my throat.

I have a stomach ache and a lump in my throat.

Cost Effective AND Good for the Environment!

2010-04-15T20:41:00.000-04:00

You guys, this week? Holy balls. This week has kicked me in the teeth and almost reduced me to tears a couple of times. It's INSANE the amount of crap that's going on at work and people have done lost their damn minds! Ohmylord. But anyway, this isn't about that. This entry is not a "woe is me, my job is *hard*" post. This entry is all about the GEM I found today when emptying the Suggestion Box (Which seriously, really needs a new name. Rarely, if ever, have I had a legitimate and cost-effective/helpful suggestion come from it. In fact, truth be told, I fucking hate the Suggestion Box and think it's worthless and encourages stupidity. One of the first "Suggestions" [Yes, it needs quotes] was for the company to pump pure oxygen in through the air vents, so the employees would be more alert and productive. Hand to God. Actual "Suggestion".).

However, I want to find this person and ask them to be my new BFF.

Haa, A-MEN, my red pen-loving friend. A-fucking-men!

Conversations with My Father Pt. 3

2010-04-10T15:26:00.000-04:00

This is a true story and JUST happened like 5 minutes ago.

Dad: Did you take $200 out of my checking account?

Me: Yeah, like 2 or 3 weeks ago.

Dad: Why would you do that?

Me: Um, remember that $200 check I asked you to deposit for me and you accidentally deposited it in *your* account and I said, "No big deal, I'll just transfer it to my account". Remember that?

Dad: Well I DO NOW, but I didn't remember it earlier when I got my bank statement and it said "$200 withdrawal - internet transfer" and I marched down to the bank demanding to know who the fuck was stealing money from me on the internet! And the girl said, "Oh no! Let me see what's going on...oh, Mr. Bobainey, a Miss Lainey Bobainey transferred $200 from your account, on which she has signature ability (that you made her take time off of work to go fucking get so that she could access your whopping $1100 checking account in case you die in your sleep and she needs money to have someone haul out the 400 fucking jars of pickles that you keep buying because they're only $.88 apiece even though you never eat them, but by all means, keep buying them because hey, why not... she might not have actually said any of this part...), to her account on March 27th."

Me: *facepalm* Great, so now the bank thinks I'm embezzling from my father. Awse. Dad, why didn't you ask me first instead of going to the bank?

Dad: Because, LAINEY, I've seen this on the news. Internet people hijack (I think he meant "hack") into the accounts of rich old people and take a little bit at a time so no one becomes suspicious and since you put my account on the internet (not even going to bother trying to correct him on this one) when you got access to it, I was afraid it notified hijackers or something.

Me: Ok, first of all, you're only 62 and you're also not exactly rich. Secondly, you need to just stop watching the news.

Dad: Maybe the bank should have something in place where they send an email if someone tries to access your account?

Me: But, you don't have an email...

Dad: YES, I do!

Me: *sigh* Nope, you're right - I forgot. I'll call the bank on Monday and tell them to send you an email at dennybobainey at the internet dot com from now on.

Dad: Good. That's just common sense, you know?

Me: Yep...

Phone rings 20 seconds later...
Dad: Will you check my email - maybe the bank already does this?

Reason #432 Why I'll Never Be an Executive

2010-03-30T19:52:00.000-04:00

The VP was in my office today. No big, he's in my office a lot. Usually, he's standing across from me (probably looking at my boobs - he seriously has an issue with the obvious boob-looking). Today he was standing behind my desk with me looking at something (that miraculously wasn't Facebook) on my computer.

Him: What the hell is that?

Me: What?

Him: That - there.

Me: A unicorn stabbing a mime.

Him: In a Zen garden?

Me: It's relaxing.

Him walking out the door and shaking his head...

Me: It's RELAXING!

I Send Vibrations In Your Direction...

2010-03-25T14:53:00.001-04:00

So…. I accidentally went away for a while. I wasn't trying to and it wasn't planned. It's kind of like how I accidentally quit drinking when I quit smoking. I just stopped for a bit and then suddenly it was a month later and then two and then so on. Yeah, so this here fancy blog is kind of like that.

I went away for a bit because I was having The Sadz (with a 'z' cause that's how the kidz do, amiright?) and while it's not really fun or interesting to write about that, I also know that it's not the least bit fun or interesting to read about and I refuse to be one of those people who writes whiny self-indulgent pleas for attention. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'll totally write self-indulgent pleas for attention, I have a blog so obviously, but I don't want to be one of the ones who make people think, "Well hell, there's 4 minutes of my life I'll never get back and holy crap, stop your damn whining already – you're sad, we get it!" Anyway, I think The Sadz (still with a 'z' because I am nothing if not a joke-runner-into-the-grounder) have gone away for now, hopefully until next winter. I'm not normally depressed or even really bummed for no discernable reason and certainly not for more than a day or two, so I think I may have that Seasonal Affective Disorder thing; the last few years (particularly the last few Januarys and Februarys) are starting to make more sense with that in mind.

Contrary to what it seems, this post is actually not really supposed to be about me. That long-ass paragraph above? That was just supposed to be an introduction. This is really about Alabama Pink. Well, technically, it's about Alabama Pink's legacy. I didn't really know Amanda, except from the writing she shared with us, but I liked her. I didn't really know her husband, except through her writing about him and his writing about her. After she passed away, I was hesitant to reach out to Mr. Pink, because it felt presumptuous of me. But, because my mom died when I was young and I was raised by a single father, I thought that I might be able to offer some insight or I don't know, be some kind of sounding board for him. It took me many months, but I am so glad I finally did.

I've learned so much about Amanda from the way Mr. Pink talks about her. I think I would have liked the hell out of her! And I've learned so much about Mr. Pink and the monumental year he's had and all he's accomplished. I've gotten to know what a genuinely good father he is and what a fantastic sense of humor he has and what a loyal friend he is. I've been privileged to witness snippets of Little A's life and his accomplishments and new discoveries. And I've been unbelievably grateful to have these wonderful, smart, funny, and open people in my life thanks to a movie review website. Huh. Whether he knows it or not (which, I guess he'll know it now), Mr. Pink helped pull me out of this funk. His uncanny knack for sending me an email just as I'm sinking down again or some smartass comment during one of our incessant Scrabble games has been my lifeline the last couple of months. His enthusiasm (dare I say EXUBERANCE?) has made me giggle more times than I can count and his ability to get out of bed, day after day, to do what must be done and his love for his wife and his child makes my heart hurt less & reminds me that my little life is not so very bad.

So, in my long, rambling, round-about way, thank you, Amanda. Thank you for being awesome and for introducing me to your equally awesome family. I love you all.

I Am Goophy!

2010-02-10T21:12:00.001-05:00

Once again, I got nothing. SO, because you're obviously *very* lucky, I'm going to post the silly email exchange I had with Meg. It made me giggle like a phool! I am very easily amused. Obviously.

at 12:55 PM, Meg wrote:

i had the pho and now i am phull.

Lainey:
Ha! You are phunny!

Meg:

are you not online anymore?
motherphucker.

Lainey:
I'm on a conf. call w/ a presentation on my computer.
DAMMIT - con-phurance call!

Meg:

phreak.

Lainey:
Are you phrustrated?

Meg:

phurious

Lainey:
Don't de-phriend me!

Meg:

Don't phool yourself. There's a definite phinality about this.

Lainey:
I'm sorry - I don't want to piss you oph. Especially on a Phriday!

Lainey:
PHINE, just stop. I wasn't phinished. Phlake.

Meg:

woah. Phor phuck's sake, girlphriend. Calm yourselph. No phreak outs on a phriday, got it?

Lainey:
I've had a lot of capheine! Sometimes I phorget to philter myselph!

Meg:

I'd eat my phoot for a phrappucino right about now.

Lainey:
This is making me laph phar too much!

Meg:

Don't. Your ass will get phired.

Seriously, SO dumb. Giggled like an idiot. This is why I make the big bucks.

Conversations With My Father Pt. 2

2010-02-03T20:56:00.000-05:00

This happened today.

Dad: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: Nothing really, thanks.

Dad: You must want something. I don't know what to get you.

Me: Well, I don't really need anything, but thanks for thinking of me!

Dad: Oh come on - what's just one thing that you want?

Me: Hmmm, ok, well, I could use some shears to trim flower stems.

Dad: Why?

Me: I like arranging flowers and they need to be cut, but I only have scissors and I end up crushing their stems and killing them.

Dad: I'm pretty sure I have something like that in the garage or the basement closet or something. Just go look through there.

Me: Ok then.... Hmm, I would LOVE to have an Amazon giftcard!

Dad: Where would I get that?

Me: Probably at the grocery store or wherever they sell giftcards.

Dad: Why don't I just give you money and then you can buy your own giftcard?

Me: *sigh* It's fine. I really don't need anything. I was just giving you some suggestions, but I really don't need anything.

Dad: How about a fur coat?

Me: WHAT the what?

Dad: I saw these really pretty fur coats the other day - fox, I think, how about one of those?

Me: ...

Dad: Would you rather have something besides fox? Like chinchilla or something?

Me: ... Um, do you remember when you gave me that fur stole and I was too squicked out to touch it?

Dad: Yeah, but what if the animals died a NATURAL death, then would that be ok?

Me: You mean like if 20 foxes just all died of old age and then someone gathered them up and SKINNED THEIR CORPSES to make me a coat, would that be ok?

Dad: Gahd, you're so dramatic. No, what if they all died in an earthquake or something?

Me: Ok, I'm gonna' go...

Phone rings 20 seconds later -

Dad: Do you want one of those camera things you put on the back of your car, so you can see when you're backing up?

Me: ...

Lost. LOST. LOOOOSSST. L.O.S.T. Lost!

2010-02-02T15:05:00.001-05:00

LOST is back tonight and I think it's fair to say that I'm pretty freakin' excited about it! There have been many awesome things associated with LOST, but the link below is my FAVORIST ever! It auto-plays and there's sound, so if you're at work, beware.

Seriously, I could watch this over and over and over. It's like 3 years old and I've seen it 40 times and I STILL LOVE it.

Enjoy!

I Am a Thieving Thief

2010-02-01T18:33:00.000-05:00

I copied this entry idea from my delightful friend A Lover and a Fighter over at Hobocamp, because A) I adore her and everything she does and B) because I have nothing to write about and I feel like a big ol' lazy lazyass and need to write something soon before you all go away and find BETTER boring people to read about.

Things You'll Never Hear Me Say:

Pie is not suitable for dinner.
I can't wait to dust!
Please get me LOTS of ketchup packets and make SURE they put extra mustard on it!
Hyperbole is stupid.
I plan to be the first in line for this new technology.
I beat Meg at a game of Scrabble.
$10 is not too much to spend on lip balm.
There's nothing worth watching on tv, so I'm just going to do something productive instead.
Being in "The Friend Zone" is just as good.
I am very graceful and have superior balance.
No, I don't have to pee.
I don't need anything from Sephora.
My job is fulfilling and makes me feel good about my life choices.
Oh, happy day, these pants fit perfectly & I won't need to wear heels with them or have them hemmed!
I'm too thin and tan.

Things I Never Thought I Would Say & Yet Have Said:

My mp3 player needs more memory.
Quitting smoking was actually pretty easy.
I like my freckles.
Coke Zero is delicious!
Pine nuts are of THE DEVIL.
The problem with kids today...
I've met some of my closest friends and favorite people over the internet.
I'm going to be FORTY in a month.
Brussel sprouts are tasty.
I don't know if I could live without Facebook.
I kind of like living in Ohio. (mostly)
According to Google Reader, 45 people read this nonsense.

What about you? What's something you'll never say and something you never thought you'd say?

Pine FuckNuttery Part 2

2010-01-31T12:34:00.001-05:00

Dammit. Remember this? So, I decided to try pine nuts again, thinking that maybe my reaction last time was because of a bad batch or specific to a particular type of pine nut. This time I bought the teeny, tiny, wee pine nuts, as opposed to the big, torpedo-shaped ones like last time. I thought they would be good with brussel sprouts. I THOUGHT they'd be a nummy treat after not having had them for a year. Why did I think this? Because I am teh dumb.

Yuck. Food is gross again. And you wanna' know the REALLY sucky part? I just bought the tastiest, sweetest, most flavorful blueberries (Chilean, natch) I've ever eaten and now they taste like battery acid. (Ok, well, I'm guessing on that. I've never actually had battery acid, so who knows, maybe it tastes delightful?) Just like before, sweets and bread taste the blechiest, so maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I'll lose a few ounces.

Luckily, this time I only ate a few, because I wanted to see if I'd tolerate them. I'm hoping maybe that means I won't have this nasty bitter taste for as long as last time.

Oh and not related to anything above - I taught Willow to come when I call her by using a hand command. How cool is that? She still ignores me about 50% of the time, because she IS a cat and they are hateful, little things, but the rest of the time, she actually responds. She also sits for treats. If I can just get her to stop whining at me from across the room, she'll be my favorite cat EVER. (Shhh, don't tell her, but she already is my favorite cat ever. Shhhhh, she'll get all cocky and shit if she knows this.)

So, I haven't talked to you kids for a while. What's going on with you? Any news? OH and don't freak out or anything, but I'm probably going to post another entry tomorrow - TWO days in a row! Can you even stand the excitement?

No More No Whining Wednesday?

2010-01-20T00:31:00.000-05:00

Hiya! So, I started the whole No Whining Wednesday thing about 6 months ago and frankly, it lasted about 5 1/2 months longer than I thought it would. The enthusiasm and participation has been WONDERFUL and greatly appreciated. Seriously, I really can't begin to express how many times you guys have yanked me out of the Bitter Barn with your positive comments and how appreciative I am - thank you!

That said, I think it's run its course and it may be time to try something else; a new day with some sort of alliteration and theme. I, of course, have not actually spent any real time thinking about this, so I'm putting it out there for you. What should be the next day/theme? I'm open to all suggestions and I'm looking forward to your ideas!

I'll still continue to observe the spirit of No Whining Wednesday, on Facebook and in my fleshlife, and I absolutely encourage everyone else to keep it up if you're feeling it, but I'm also looking forward to a change. I'm looking forward to a new challenge and I hope you are, too!

Happy No Whining Wednesday and lay your suggestions on me!

Quick and Dirty

2010-01-13T00:37:00.000-05:00

Quick and dirty and short and sweet - I'll let you make your own joke.

Ok, so, even though Cindy's on vacation and isn't around to nag me about my blog, I feel obligated to post something anyway.

It's like seconds away from being Wednesday, so I'm not really allowed to whine about how MEG keeps kicking my ass in Scrabble and making me wonder why I continue to play with her and I'm not really allowed to whine about how that boy's flight got canceled last weekend, so we didn't get to make the kissy faces at each other. INSTEAD, I'm going to focus on how I WON a game of Scrabble (not against that damn Meg though!) and how that boy's flight got rescheduled for this weekend, so I'll get to make kissy faces in THREE days!

Yeah, so if I can just get through the next 3 days (AGAIN), things will be good.

Here are a few more of those calendar things (holy BALLS, thank god for that damn calendar so I don't have to think!)

Meatballs
Barbie doll hair (Seriously, it says this)
The smell of popcorn (Ok, but not the microwave kind. Sometimes it smells VILE.)
Whimsical toothbrushes (Is this a thing?)
Having pizzazz (Oh man, I love that word! Could you even have that word in Scrabble?)
High ceilings (Unless you have to paint them)
A hemidemisemiquaver note (Anyone?)
Toasted and buttered English muffins (Mmmm, with blackberry jam!)

What's going on with YOU kiddos? Do you have anything fun planned? Are you looking forward to anything? Do you have anything to add to the happy list above?

Happy No Whining Wednesday!

Extra Whinyless No Whining Wednesday

2010-01-06T00:54:00.000-05:00

Today's No Whining Wednesday post is going to shock you! You should probably make sure you're sitting down. If you have a nervous condition or startle easily, you may not want to read this. Are you ready? Are you SURE? Ok, don't say I didn't warn you...

Thirteen is being helpful and is only barely getting on my nerves.

I know, right?? None of you saw THAT coming, did you? Me either! I don't know if she changed medications or has just finally settled into the job and relaxed a bit or if I've finally gotten used to her, but I've noticed that the last few weeks (I don't know how long it's been - I have no concept of time) she really doesn't seem to bother me. She asks questions still, but not stupid questions and she doesn't babble about Robert Pattinson or fucking Twilight, so there's a huge improvement right there. Plus, you can ask her to do anything and she'll just do it. It's awesome! She doesn't question it or complain, she just does it. It's so cool! We're working on a giant, icky project our boss gave us and she whined a bit about how stupid it is (and she's not wrong!), but she buckled down and did it and didn't bug me once. I'm gonna' give her a sticker tomorrow if she keeps up the SUPER attitude!

So, yeah, that's pretty noteworthy, right? Hmm, what else is going on? Not much. Life in 2010 is pretty much like 2009. I still have my Christmas tree up, which really shouldn't surprise anyone. Um, what else? I've been watching "The Wire" and it's good, but I'm not blown away. Uhhhh, what else...

Oh , here's some more of those things to be happy about from that calendar:

Picnics around the fireplace
Using chopsticks
Chocolate fondue
Commonsense folk sayings
Sea monkeys
Pockets of tranquility (which I originally read as "tranquilizers" - I like mine better.)
A terrific hair day
Lyrics sung incorrectly
A glassed-in sun porch (which I think some people call a "Florida Room" - how cute is *that*?)
Short naps

What else? Oh YEAH, that boy? He's coming to visit me this weekend! Hugegianthappyface!

What's going on with you? Did you have a good New Year's Eve? Has your 2010 been good so far?

Happy No Whining Wednesday!

Zoom, Zoom, Zoom!

2009-12-30T00:12:00.000-05:00

Holy crap, this year has come to an end in a quick hurry! Like all of a sudden. It seems like the appropriate time to do an end-of-year post, but I don't really feel like it. I'm not feeling introspective and I'm not making a bunch of resolutions, so it just doesn't really feel like that would be a good post to write or read.

Instead, I would like to talk about how small my cat's head is. Seriously, you guys, it's tiny. She looks like a seal. Big round body; bitty, little head. And then these giant eyes. She sounds kind of creepy when I describe her like that, but she's really not, she's just terribly unfortunately proportioned. She's actually cute. Angie describes her as grand. It's fitting.

Also, I would like to talk about what a fucking nutjob Sarina is. I know this doesn't really come as a shock to anyone, but sometimes it just needs to be said. Sometimes people might wonder if she's truly crazypants or if it's just an act - I'm here to tell you that girlfriend is beyond batshit. Of course, I should also say that I love her more than anything else. Well, not more than waffles, but a LOT.

Oh and not related to anything, I got a calendar for Christmas. It's called "3,650 things to be happy about.", so you can all just pretty much COUNT on that shit getting sprinkled around the joint when I have nothing good for No Whining Wednesdays. Here's an example of what EVERY page is like:

an owl hooting
milk with your meal
an unexpected job offer
the patience to untangle a knot
finger painting
helping out a neighbor
the vocabulary of pasta shapes
conserving electricity
stories behind photographs
relishing the preparations

So, there's that. I don't know that those things make me *happy*, but they don't make me *sad*, so I'm going to go with it.

In case you haven't figured it out yet, I'm just babbling at this point and I have no idea how to finish this, so I'm just going to wish you all a happy No Whining Wednesday and ask if you have any big New Year's Eve plans or resolutions?

I Wasn't SLACKING, I Was BUSY!

2009-12-23T23:59:00.000-05:00

So, there's this boy (although, maybe he would rather be called a man...) Ok, so, there's this MAN and I'm maybe kinda' sorta' smitten with him and I *think* he's a little sweet on me, too. Well, if he's not, he spends an awful damn lot of time on the phone with me when he could be doing ANYTHING else (seriously, y'all, contrary to what I'm SURE you're thinking, I am not really all that fascinating to talk to. I know, shocking!). He's SUPER smart and funny and sweet and I just really enjoy getting to know him. My days are way more fun (and way less productive - sorry, boss!) and my nights are filled with entertaining conversations and lots of giggling. Unfortunately, we don't live in the same place, so our time together is limited to gmail and the phone, but it's nice because we're actually having some good talks instead of just having the non-stop sex. Please don't misunderstand, I'm not OPPOSED to the non-stop sex, but I'm also loving the extended foreplay of hearing his slight, little southern accent talk about my thiiighs... Oh and also talking about politics, child-rearing, Oxford Commas, work, religion, and other hot-button topics on which we actually mostly agree (much to my surprise, frankly).

I'm not prepared to really talk about details, but I needed to say something, because I haven't had the flutterflies in a long time and it's awfully fun. I forgot what it was like.

And now that I've rambled on and on, how are you? Ready for Christmas? Anything fun YOU want to talk about?

Happy No Whining Wednesday (late, but it's 11:59, so still totally counts) and a very Merry Christmas to you and yours!

Little Things That Make Others Smile

2009-12-16T07:39:00.000-05:00

Last week I asked you all to list little things that make you smile and I sat here grinning like a fool reading them all - thank you! So, today's post started because of a conversation Cindy and I had on a Facebook comment. Today, I'm offering up a challenge - what little thing can you do to make someone else smile?

Nothing major or insincere, but if you feel like playing, try to compliment someone today. The lady in Accounting who always smiles when you see her or that guy who sits in the corner of the lunchroom by himself, or the cashier at Target or the counterperson at Chick-Fil-A (true story, the guy who rang up my order last week at Chick-Fil-A told me I had really pretty nails. I was kind of surprised because I don't do anything to them; I just let them grow and keep them fairly even, but his off-hand comment brightened my little day a tidge). When you think about it, how often do YOU get a sincere compliment from a co-worker or stranger? Does it make your day a bit better or am I that easily amused?

Anyway, you can share it in the comments here or you can keep it to yourself or hell, you don't even have to do it if it seems disengenous. I'm judging our company's Cubicle Decorating Contest this morning, so since I'm going to be all over the building and talking to employees I don't usually interact with, I'm going to try to notice little things and make a point to mention them. Who knows, maybe they'll just think I'm weirder than they thought, but maybe it'll make one person's day. Maybe it'll make MY day?

Happy No Whining Wednesday!!

Little Things That Make Me Smile

2009-12-09T00:48:00.001-05:00

(From Passive Aggressive Notes - I have no idea why they don't exist on Wednesdays, but it makes me smile!)

Watching my big piggycat chase after the laser pointer and listening to her purr while she's playing.
Listening to (and maybe chair dancing to) the songs from "Glee" in my office.
Blueberry sorbet mixed with lemon gelato or (it is surprisingly tasty) chocolate gelato.
Turning on my Christmas tree lights.
The #1 search that brings folks here is, "what's the opposite of exciting?"
Diet Barq's root beer.
Singing the "lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala" part of Lily Allen's "Smile".
Misery Night
My cinnamon chai candle with the wooden wick that sounds like a crackling fire.
Fuzzy socks.
DOODLEBOBBERS!
Laying my jammies on the radiator while I shower & then putting on toasty jammies.
Toast and jam.
Hilarious texts and emails from Sarina.
My new Miche purse with its 6 different covers (or as Sarina calls them, "purse pants").
Pineapple.
My Jersey Shore nickname is L-Scream. Awesome.
Snooze alarm dreams.
You fuckers.

What are 2 of yours? Or 5... or however many you want...

Happy No Whining Wednesday!!

No Whining Wednesday

2009-12-02T00:57:00.002-05:00

So, yeah, um I have nothing to write about, so instead I'm going to post a picture of my Christmas Tree. I haven't had a Christmas tree since I was 12, so I had no ornaments for it. I spent an assload of money at the Target (which, I'm not even lying when I say that I should NOT be allowed to visit Target without a chaperone) and bought festive decorations and lights and I picked a theme! I went with silver and teal and I like it. The silver stands out way more than the teal does, but I like the little pops of color from the blue. For a first timer, I think I did an ok job. LOOK!

Yeah, that's it. I got nothing. I am SOO sleepy that my wee eyes are closing on me and it's taking everything I have to sit semi-upright to type this. In fact, I'm actually typing this with my eyes closed because they hurt. I'm very old. Seriously, so sleepyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Do you guys have anything good to talk about? I know Miss Lizzie's taking the GRE today and I know she's going to knock it out of the park! I know Ms. jamiepants's Saints (who dat?) are whuppin' all the other teams in the NFL and she is LOVIN' it! I know mr. gp has some fun stuff going on that makes him all giddy and bouncy, which makes *me* giddy and bouncy (but not TOO bouncy, because I have the PMS and my bewbs hurt like a motherfucker right now. Oh, hi, welcome to my overshare). I also happen to know another handsome gentleman who has some fun stuff going on...hmmm, coincidence??

Here's what I have to look forward to: New episode of "Glee!", the jammies that I ordered should be arriving Thursday (seriously, this is the SLOWEST online order ever!), I have Friday off, so I have a 3-day weekend in which to lounge in the aforementioned jammiepants, "Better Off Ted" Season 1 dvds are on their way to my house RIGHT NOW (I really can't explain why I'm SO excited about that, I just am.) What else? Tell me your good stuff so I can look forward to that, too!

The Pilgrims DIED So You Could Eat Sweet Potatoes!

2009-11-25T05:34:00.001-05:00

My grandma actually said that to my cousin one Thanksgiving when we were little. We've never forgotten it and it's become a holiday greeting at my family's house.

I was going to try to write up something nice and/or funny, but then I dicked around and went to the grocery store and put gas in my car and talked on the phone and made a grilled cheese sandwich (you're totally right, AvB - a LOT of work!) and then made some pumpkin dip, checked my work email (because I am DUMB and never learn), took a shower, picked out something to wear to work, packed my lunch, patted myself on the back for doing all of these things, and now I'm too tired. So, I'm going to make YOU do the work for me (this is also how I get through most of my work days, but no one has figured it out yet - YAY for me!)

Thanksgiving (US Thanksgiving, the *real* Thanksgiving, not like that Canadianastukian "holiday") is Thursday - what are you most looking forward to about the holiday or the weekend? For you Canadatians, pretend it's a month ago, what was your favorite thing about it?

For me, it's getting 4 days off. The food and family part doesn't really interest me all that much, but the 4 days off is exactly what I need right now and I'm just so THANKFUL (see what I did there) that I can sleep in and lounge about and just be not at work!

Your turn!

Special Little Snowflakes

2009-11-20T00:52:00.000-05:00

This may be rambling and incoherent - I'll do my best to stay on topic and to self-edit.

Usually around Christmas everyone wants to take vacation time, but the office still needs to be staffed, so they limit the number of people who can be off at the same time. A couple of years ago our senior management team made the decision to let employees who worked on Christmas Eve day leave 2 hours earlier than the end of their scheduled shift and get paid for those 2 hours. It was a perk for the employees who had to come in that day. If you took a vacation day on Christmas Eve, however, you had to use 8 hours of PTO.

This year, our senior management team made the decision to close the office at 12:00 on Christmas Eve. They also decided it was dumb to limit the amount of people who could have the day off, since most of the companies or agencies we do business with are closed or are short-staffed also. Additionally, for reasons I still don't understand, they've also decided to pay everyone for 4 hours, whether they work or not. So, basically, if you choose to take the day off, you can and you only have to use 4 hours of PTO and the Company will pay for the other 4 hours to give you a full day's pay. If you don't have any PTO and you choose to work that day, you only have to work 4 hours and the company will pay you for a full 8-hour day. Sounds great, right? Yeah, not to everyone, apparently...

One of our Special Little Snowflakes has decided that this is somehow unfair. In the past, the extra 2 hours of pay was a REWARD for coming in and working, but NOW the Company is going to pay EVERYONE 4 hours whether they work or not and to her, that's not fair! It's not fair that if she comes in to work, someone who chooses to take off that day still gets the same benefit she gets. She's, in her words, "being PENALIZED" for coming in and working.

Wait, what? Seriously? Yeah, she's in a snit because everyone gets 4 hours paid and she's evidently pissed because she gets paid for an additional 2 hours and has to work 2 hours LESS than in previous years...let that sink in. She's mad and thinks it's unfair because why should EVERYONE get this "perk"? What the fuck is wrong with you? I don't understand this logic. Can someone please explain this to me? Also, can someone explain the word "penalize" to her, because I don't think it means what she thinks it means.

OK, fine, so she's just some random malcontent - EXCEPT, no, she's posted this all over her Facebook page and because she's a goddamned genius, she's "friended" her supervisor, who then brings it to HR, because now it's a "morale issue". Wait, back up. The Company is paying employees to not work or to be at work for half a day and somehow we have a morale problem because of this? I swear don't understand. Am I being dense? Can someone PLEASE explain this to me?

Sometimes Laziness DOES Pay!

2009-11-19T06:00:00.007-05:00

First - Everything about Paheeba Day was incredible! Thank you, you amazing, delightful, lovely ladies of Pajiba! Thanks for all of your planning and writing and editing and Photoshopping and general awesomeness. I feel privileged to be among your members.

Second - I was a giant, whiny baby on Monday. GIANT. So giant, in fact, that I actually *cried* in front of my boss. My boss and I are also friends, so this isn't as tragic as it could have been, but still - come ON, we mock people who cry at work! In the past couple of months, 7 of my friends have entered into relationships (some with each other, which is just about the cutest thing EVER) and I'm definitely happy for them. However, my stupid girl-self also spent some time in the Bitter Barn feeling sorry for myself and lamenting my lack of a love life. On Monday morning, my boss greeted me and said, "Hey, you look sad; what's up?" and then you know how when someone's nice to you it just makes you cry like a girl? Yeah, so that happened. At the end of my little Pity Party, she said, "I know you know this. I KNOW you know this, but Lainey, no one's just gonna' just show up & knock on your door. You have to get out there and make yourself available to meet people. It's not just going to happen by sitting in your jammie pants and watching teevee."

Oh realllllllly?

So, Angel-ica sends me a text Monday afternoon, "Hey, would you be interested in going out with a 28-year-old guy"? WhutWhut?

I wrote her back and we played text tag for a few minutes until I got irritated as crap with that (GOD, I hate extended texting, unless it's of the dirty, sessy variety) and called her. Her husband, M, works with a guy who said to him, "I'd just like to meet a nice, funny, cute, kinda' nerdy girl who's independent, kind of a homebody, has some meat on her bones and a brain in her head." and M exclaimed, "I KNOW THAT GIRL!" I told Angie that I'm not a nerd though and then she laughed and laughed...

Angie said that her husband was SO excited that he'd actually already emailed my picture to the boy and they were planning our first meeting/date. I *jokingly* asked if he would mind if I showed up in my jammiepants and Angie shrieked, "Ohmygod, yes! Yes, let's do that!" So now, the 4 of us are going to get together at the boy's house, in our jammies, and watch movies, eat Mexican take-out, and play with the Wii. I think it sounds like a lot of fun and even if it's not a love connection, it'll be good to have some interaction with a guy who isn't my dad or the janitor at my office.

Also, the fact that I get to keep saying to my boss, "Neener, neener, neener - enjoy working hard while I sit on my ass and do nothing!" has not grown old.

Third - Speaking of sitting on my ass and doing nothing - evidently that pays off at work, too! I got a promotion (well, technically I got a better title & more vacation time) and a raise today. Cool, right? I'm sure this will come back to bite me in the ass as it can really only mean that more work is coming and they're trying to butter me up to do it. Whatevs. Not like I was doing anything anyway.

Fourth - I started Weight Watchers again a couple of weeks ago. I've lost 5 pounds and while I'm aware that it isn't much, at least the scale is going down instead of up for the first time in a really long time. I'm freaking STARVING every afternoon around 4:30, so I need to find a way to deal with that, but otherwise, I'm doing pretty well and it's kind of fun to treat my daily points allotment as a scavenger hunt. Now I just need to get off my lazy ass and throw some exercise into the mix. Baby steps, baby steps...

Fifth - I tagged this with "waking up with things in your mouth" because it makes me laugh.

Sixth - I have to go to an Employment Law Review all afternoon on Friday, BUT, I get to go with my boss to Red Robin for lunch and I have been saving my extra Weight Watchers points this week so I can have a burger, fries and freckled lemonade. I'm way more excited about this than I should be.

Seventh - After this Friday, I will not be required to wear pants on Fridays until next January! Yeah, bitchez! Between Thanksgiving and New Years, I will have every Friday off work. Suh-fricken-weet!

Eighth - I don't have an eighth.

Ninth - My pajama date means I get to go shopping for new jammie pants - YAY for new jammie pants that actually serve a purpose for once!

Tenth - What do you squirrellybutts have going on this week?

Best No Whining Wednesday Ever!

2009-11-18T06:29:00.003-05:00

We'll return to your regularly scheduled random blatherings tomorrow. Today, it's all about Paheeba Day. Enjoy!

Umm, Hey There Wednesday...

2009-11-11T10:05:00.001-05:00

Noooo, I totally didn't forget you! How could you think such a thing?

(Pssst, you guys, I totally forgot about Wednesday!)

I didn't write up anything last night, like I normally do, and I will be going out after work to meet up with the HR ladies, so I won't be able to do it later. So, yeah, um, I'm at work, not having Veteran's Day off, because my company *obviously* hates America and trying to write a blog post while I'm trying to pretend to do work and not get fired, so you guys are kind of on your own today. Talk amongst yourselves.

Here are a few good things going on with me, so there's NO whining from this lady today!

I made a giant pot of chili, so I have leftovers for days - awesome! I also made a spaghetti squish, so that'll feed me with chicken or with vegetables or in Chinese food or just a bowl of squish! I don't remember if I posted it here or if it was on Facebook, but I told Cindy to nuke the spaghetti squash for a few minutes to make it easier to cut - yeah, don't do that. I've done it that way a couple of times and it makes it kinda' mushy/slimyish. I recommend doing it the old fashioned way and risking loss of fingers and/or hands by trying to cut the damn, hard thing. It'll make you appreciate it more if you have to ~~bleed~~ work for it. This is one time the internet wasn't helpful for me.

GLEE! is back on tonight! Oh Finn and Puck, how I love your pretty faces and voices. Glee, glee, glee, GLEE!!!

Every time I walk by my living room I see the beautiful, fuzzy, warm blanket (infused with LOVE) that Sarina made 'specially for me and it makes me all gooey and happy & I have to stop and pet it. For real, you guys, I don't know if you understand how much this blanket means to me. Sarina does NOT enjoy working and she did actual WORK on this blanket. I loves it!

And finally, one of my employees has to get rabies shots because a raccoon sneaked into her house through the roof and she woke up with its PAW IN HER MOUTH!!! So, I think that all things considered, I have nothing to complain about and frankly, neither do any of you unless YOU woke up with a raccoon's PAW IN YOUR MOUTH!

So, other than that whole raccoon thing, what other good stuff do you guys have going on? Anything you're excited about or looking forward to? Any stories about waking up with things in your mouth?

Happy No Whining Wednesday!!

Ten Things

2009-11-09T04:13:00.002-05:00

The lovely and adorable Eyvi Sprite gave me a major award! Then she basically hit me in the face with it because I was required to do WORK. So, because I am nothing if not a sucker for pretend internet awards, I present to you my Ten Things You Didn't Know and Probably Didn't Care about me...

1) I don't eat condiments. Sour cream is disgusting. Ketchup is gross. Mustard is fucking vile! I'll eat mayo if it's in tuna salad and it has to be barely visible. I have a theory that people who drown their food in condiments grew up with parents (or even just one parent) who couldn't cook. I have no idea if this is a valid theory or not, but it's set in my head because...

2) My dad is an AMAZING cook! He doesn't follow any recipes, he just throws a bunch of different shit in a pan & it comes out delicious. I'd like to be able to just instinctively cook like he does.

3) I don't have a favorite color. Colors are situational to me. For example: My favorite color of clothing is probably green. My favorite color of car is charcoal. My favorite color of flower is purple...maybe yellow. I can't pick a favorite color.

4) The first DVD I ever bought was The Sweetest Thing. Say what you want about Cameron Diaz, but Christina Applegate is fucking awesome and I will watch her in anything (including Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead, which I also own!)

5) I'm always shocked when employees say they're afraid of me or they're nervous when they see me, because I know what a giant nerdgirl I am & that I have *no* authority at work, I can't believe that I could make anyone nervous or worried that they'll be in trouble.

6) I played Powderpuff Football in high school. I was approximately 5'0" and weighed 103 lbs and I was the Center. It. Was. Awesome. I only started playing it because the varsity boys football players were the coaches for the girl teams and then I ended up loving it SO much and actually being good at, I became the captain for my junior and senior years.

7) I took Ecstasy once (like 10 years ago) and LOVED it. Lu-huved it! I've never done it since because I loved it so much I fear that it would become a habit.

8) I haven't eaten at Burger King since 1994 or 1995. They changed their fries to some weird-ass crispy gross things and I haven't eaten there since. Turns out, I don't really miss it.

9) Jesus, this is HARD (that's what she said) - Oooh, speaking of Jesus, I'm finished with my Christmas shopping already! And I have the cards, I just need to write and mail them. YAY for online shopping! I really couldn't tell you the last time I stepped foot in a mall during the holidays and as with BK fries, turns out, I don't really miss it. Also, I haven't had a Christmas tree since I was 13. I may get a little one this year...

10) As if anyone's still reading at this point - 10th, but probably the most important little known fact is how important to me all of you are. Every time I get a comment I'm amazed and grateful and happy and genuinely baffled. I'm baffled because seriously, don't you people have better things to do with your time than read this drivel? It's fascinating to me that anyone reads this period, but reads it regularly and takes the time to comment? Fascinating and very, very gratifying. So, I hope you all know that even though I don't understand why you're here, I'm very grateful and I love all of my little bluggies (blog buddies) so much. Thank you!

Conversations With My Father...

2009-11-03T23:58:00.001-05:00

This happened today.

Dad: Sorry to bother you at work; I know you're busy.

Me: Not really. Just dicking around on Facebook at the moment.

Dad: What's a facebook?

Me: You know what? Doesn't matter. What's up?

Dad: Do I have an email?

Me: Um, no.

Dad: Why not?

Me: You don't have a computer.

Dad: You have to have a computer to have the email?

Me: No, but you can't read the email without a computer or on your phone.

Dad: If I had an email would it just be "Denny at the internet dot com"?

Me: No. No, it would not.

Dad: Why not?

Me: Dad, do you think you're the only Denny in the world?

Dad: Well, no shit, obviously, it would be "Denny Bobainey* at the internet dot com".

Me: Obviously.

Dad: So, can you make me an email and if I tell someone to send me something, do I tell them "Denny Bobainey at the internet dot com"?

Me: No. Dad.... I can create an email address for you, but why don't you just have them send it to my email address and I'll print it for you?

Dad: Because. Just make me that email.

Me: Ok, whatever. Are you waiting for something, 'cause that's not a real email address.

Dad: Well, it will be when you make it.

Me: No, Dad...it doesn't really work that way.

Dad: Why not? How many Denny Bobaineys can there be?

Me: It's not a valid address - there is no such thing as "at the internet dot com", but even if there was, let's just say there was, I have no idea how many Denny Bobaineys there are in the world and also, your name doesn't even have to actually be Denny Bobainey to use it.

Dad: What? You mean Dick McDickface, down the street, can use my name for his internet if he wants?

Me: Well, yes, but if his name's Dick McDickface, I don't know why he'd want your name. His name is AWESOME.

Dad: No, seriously, anyone can use my name and pretend to be me?

Me: Well, kind of.

Dad: Well, that's some bullshit right there.

Me: Maybe you should write to the president and tell him that.

Dad: I CAN'T - I don't have an EMAIL and even if I did, how would the president really know it was me?

Me: I don't know. I'll have to think about that and get back to you.

20 seconds later the phone rings:

Dad: Is Facebook that internet yearbook thing?

Me: Kinda', yeah, it kind of is.

Dad: Look on there and see if anyone's pretending to be me!

And scene!

*Not his real name. Please don't try to impersonate him on the internets or try to steal his Social Security Checks.

Baby Got Back...

2009-10-30T20:37:00.000-04:00

So, yeah, I understand that diet and exercise are the way to lose weight and get in shape. However, I also understand that I'm lazier than shit and I'm not so good at monitoring my own diet if my pants size is any indicator.

I've always been curvy, but not fat - I'd say, "thick" or "chunky" (Mmmm, like salsa!), until I quit smoking a few years ago. I've gained 30 pounds and I just seem to keep adding to it. I've done Weight Watchers and been REALLY dedicated to it, but didn't lose more than 5 - 10 pounds. My doctor prescribed diet pills (SPEED - WOOHOO!) and not only did I feel like *ass*, I only lost a few pounds and gained it back as soon as I went off of them. I used to exercise with the ex, but he was in fantastic shape and I couldn't keep up, so I'd get frustrated and stop. I have a WiiFit and I'm really trying to make myself use it with regularity, but so far, I can't seem to make myself use it even though I enjoy the hell out of it while I'm playing.

I'm a few months shy of turning 40. My father's heart attack kind of scared me and made me reexamine my own lard-lined arteries. I'm single and haven't been on a date date in several years because I have a hard time trying to date when I feel like a whale and I'm a tiny, little petite chick, so that much extra weight makes me look as wide as I am tall. I need to lose about 30 - 40 pounds and I need to do something that shows some results or I'll give up and quit trying. (Yes, I realize that I'm an assy baby about this, I'm just trying to be honest with myself and with you and despite wanting to NOT be an assy baby, I know my limitations.)

Yes, I talk about waffles all the time, but seriously, I really don't eat them that often and I'm not even lying when I say I eat relatively healthfully (I LOVE vegetables and fruit and recently I don't seem to really like meat, so I don't eat hamburgers, hot dogs or sausage), I only eat fast food maybe twice a month and I don't drink sugar soda. My biggest problems seem to be that I fail at packing my lunch for work and then eat whatever is closest; I eat late at night, since I tend to not go to bed until 1:00 AM; and I am a huge fan of butter, cheese, and anything with the word "cake" in it. I think I could possibly benefit from a restrictive & strict diet that's pre-packaged and is planned for me.

Now that I've rambled on (too bad excessive typing doesn't burn significant calories), here's my question to you: I'm seriously considering joining Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, or Chefs Diet (which is sort of like The Zone food delivery service, except not the REALLY good shit that rich people and celebrities get). These are all fairly expensive and I will be a bitter, bitter bunny if the food tastes, looks or smells like barf. Have any of you tried any of those programs or known anyone who has? Were they/you successful in the weight loss? Was the food edible? Would it work for a picky eater? Did the weight come back after going off the program?

Any feedback is GREATLY appreciated!

This Space for Rent...

2009-10-28T00:10:00.000-04:00

Hi,

This is Lainey's blog, but Lainey is ~~goofing around and/or too lazy~~ unavoidably detained until further notice. So I, an anonymous, benevolent friend, shall provide you with a short entry.

As you may know, last week Lainey was waylaid (don't get excited, that word has nothing to do with sex [unfuckingfortunately! --ed.]) by some cold or virus disease type thing. She took quite a lot of OTC meds, and may have gotten hooked on one of them. It would explain a lot, right? She also got hooked on maple syrup, though she tries to explain it away as some sort of nutrition when accompanied by a frozen circular disk. Despite her poor diet and the d.t.s, she seems to have dragged herself into work this week, where she spends much time complaining or making observations about her co-workers and or superiors. I do assume some work gets done, as she hasn't gotten fired. And she did do all that nifty employee appreciation stuff, didn't she? But still, I'm not sure she's completely gotten her mojo back, so I'm going to recommend we have a little intervention. We'll keep it small, entice her with the smell of waffles and pretend we're all there to watch...Intervention! She'll totally fall for it. Now while we're there, let's just go ahead and tie her to a chair until she tells us that SEX STORY; may as well kill two birds, right?

I think that's all I've got for now, please leave a comment if you'd like to be a part of the intervention and if you can bring a snack. Everything is better with snacks. [You know what makes a nice snack? Waffles...I'm JUST saying. --ed.] I know you'll all be as happy as me when we have our girl back.

Cheerios!

[PS: Happy No Whining Wednesday! --ed.]

My Heart Is Filled With Glee...

2009-10-20T23:56:00.001-04:00

And my head is filled with snot! (No, you would not be wrong in thinking that I am klass-ay.)

Ok, so I've been Sicky McGee for the last week and I'm about tired of it. But, that's not what this is about. It's about how awesome my friends are. I didn't go to work on Thursday or Friday and I was stressing HARD, because Thursday was the Employee Appreciation luncheon and I felt *awful* for leaving Dana alone to handle it all. She took it amazingly well. Way better than I would have, I'm sure. In addition to being super nice to me about ditching her, she sent a care package home to me. My lovely friend Angel-ica called me around 3:00 and asked if she could stop by after work to drop off something. I said sure, because I was half asleep when she called and honestly, I would have agreed to ~~a sack of angry badgers~~ almost anything just to go back to dreamland where my throat & lungs weren't on fire.

She showed up with a GIANT care package from Dana of cheesy potatoes, chicken, a caramel apple, 3 cookies and a card. Ang also brought me veg-e-table soup & french fries from my favorite fast food place, AND she brought me a cd she made with the songs from Glee! It's so awesome to listen to Finn & Rachel sing their little hearts out to "Don't Stop Believing" and "No Air" and Mr. Shu and the Acafellas singing "Poison" (Never trust a big butt and a smile...) As crappy as I've felt, I can't help but smile when I listen to it. Also, the kid who plays Finn is 27 and therefore not a kid kid, so it's totally acceptable for me to have dirty, nasty, whorish thoughts about him....I'm just sayin'.

Friday, my neighbor Heather sent me a text asking if I was ok. A few hours later she sent me another text telling me to check my door. She hung a bag on my doorknob with Puffs w/ Lotion, Nyquil, Dayquil and Hall's cherry cough drops. Aww, how sweet! Then, about an hour after that my doorbell rang. My boss sent me flowers to thank me for working on Employee Appreciation Week. Nice, right? Oh and so, remember how I said that only 11 employees would appreciate our efforts? Well, I was wrong. I got FOURTEEN emails saying thanks! Ha. Suck it...um, self! And I would have been sad and sick if it weren't for my lovely (and weird) Pajiba/Facebook friends who kept me company while I was home and made me laugh. Thanks, kids!

And this is completely not related to anything above, but it makes me enormously happy - my Denver Broncos are 6 and 0!!

Ok, sorry, back to other non-sports stuff. What do you kids have going on? Fun stuff? Happy stuff? Are you planning any Halloweeny stuff? I hope you're all well and have a happy No Whining Wednesday!

The World's Second Smallest Violin...

2009-10-13T23:00:00.000-04:00

The world's smallest violin actually belongs to a co-worker. She has a "bad" day, every day. Seriously, how do you have a bad day every day? If every day is bad, you're doing it wrong.

All that aside, I'm about to bow the strings of my runner-up, wee violin. Tomorrow is No Whining Wednesday and yet, all I can do is whine. All I want to do is whine Whining just sounds SO good right now.

I feel that I may be coming down with bronchitis. I'm actually certain of it. When I smoked, I used to get it every year and it suh-hucked! Since I quit, almost 3 years ago, I haven't gotten sick, but I recognize that burn in my chest; that scratchy burn in my throat that spreads down to my lungs. Ugh. So, yeah, not that there's ever really a good time to get sick, but now is the opposite of a good time.

- Job Fair with Stupid Thirteen (I've expanded her name) all day on Wednesday. I have to talk to people and smile and be friendly. I have to coax people to talk and I have to talk loudly over the din of the crowded room. Army Douche better not be there, that's all I'm gonna' say about that.

- After the job fair, I'm meeting with the HR ladies I befriended. We've already postponed our get-together twice now, so I'd feel really sucky if I had to reschedule it again, but the idea of talking to job seekers and Stupid Thirteen all day and then going out to talk about work for another couple of hours just fills me with dread.

- Thursday we're bringing in lunch and serving it to our staff as part of Employee Appreciation Week. I just don't think my hacking and throat clearing is going to be appetizing for 300+ employees trying to eat their food.

- The Vice President offered my services to one of the Vice Presidents in the Denver office (because he doesn't have an assistant - I don't know why, I only know that he should have one) to help him edit his budget presentation. I helped our VP with his and I'm certain it's karma's way of teaching me a lesson because, you guys, I totally gloated about red-lining his presentation on Facebook. Now, I'm paying for it. In addition to being out of the office for a full day and then doing employee relations shit all week and OH YEAH, heading that damned committee that he assigned me to a couple of weeks ago, what I really need is to get loaned out to another executive.

- Angel-ica and I are supposed to get together this weekend to play with the Wii Sports Resort and maybe watch Drag Me to Hell, but unless I can do this while laying in bed, doped up on antibiotics and cough syrup with codeine, this doesn't sound the least bit appealing to me.

- And FINALLY, my sexyfuntime friend is back in town next week and DAMMIT, I was looking forward to making the sessy with him and generally not coughing up phlegm globs while he's ripping my clothes o.... ahem...I mean, while we're playing a rousing game of Yahtzee! Naked! We've been sending dirty, sessy texts and emails for the past week in anticipation of seeing each other & now instead, the only thing I want in my mouth is a lozenge. Yeah, I just said that, 'cause I'm a filthy hoo-er.

So, now I need you guys. At the risk of sounding even more obnoxiously dorky than I normally sound, I need your positive energy today to be my "medicine" (or I'll take codeine cough syrup if you have that instead). What good things are going on with you? How's your life?

If you would like to spoil the day for a grouch, give him a smile.

2009-10-11T22:36:00.000-04:00

So, Monday starts Employee Appreciation Week at my office. This basically means the Admin Assistant, Dana (truly one of the nicest people I've ever met), and I will spend a week (and a shit load of our time and patience) trying to make 360 employees feel appreciated. They will in turn make us feel like slapping them. No matter what we do, it won't be enough. No matter how much we give, it won't be enough. No matter how hard we try, it won't be enough. That said, 11 people will appreciate our efforts. It's the same 11 people every year and I've come to value them above all the rest.

Dana and I spent Friday afternoon shopping for supplies and planning the logistics of the week. Last Thursday, I gathered the aforementioned 11 positive and grateful employees and dubbed them the Attitude Ambassadors (because I am a GIANT nerd). I gave them each 2 little plastic smiley face trophies with the instruction that they are to give them out this week to people who do nice things for others or people they see being helpful or good role models. Additionally, those employees who receive the awards are supposed to give the trophies away to other co-workers who have been helpful or kind to them...and so on... I also gave them silly little smiley face stickers and asked them to give them to employees who looked like they were stressed or weren't having a good day. I asked them not to tell the employees to "smile!"( because that makes me fucking stabby), but they should give the bummed co-worker a sticker and just nicely tell them that they hope their day gets better or a similar sentiment. I'm really hoping that their example will influence the behavior and attitudes of the other employees.

Some of the activities we have planned for the week include:

Jeans and tennis shoes every day.

Raffle tickets will be passed out and all week we'll draw numbers for $25 gift cards to Kohl's, Best Buy, Olive Garden, Old Navy, Bed, Bath & Beyond, Giant Eagle, and Outback Steakhouse. (haaa, I kept typing Steakhorse - totally different!)

Monday, smiley face notepads and 4-color pens with our company's logo will be distributed to everyone.

Tuesday will be Creative Arts Day. The staff can wear their favorite movie, tv show or band/concert t-shirt (I'll be wearing my WhiskyBabyNinjaStar shirt, because no one will know what the hell it is and I'll probably say it's a band if anyone asks). We'll be doing a DVD/VHS movie swap where they can bring in old CD's/movies/games and either trade them or just donate them & we'll give them to the local library. We're also giving everyone microwave popcorn packs with our company logo on them and putting big bowls of popcorn, M&M's, Red Hots, Lemon Heads and Milk Duds in all of the break rooms to munch on throughout the day and we're continuing the raffle, but the prizes are $10 gift cards for AMC Theaters and iTunes. I think we have 10 of those to give away.

Wednesday I'll be at a job fair all day with stupid Thirteen, but the kids at work will be getting caramel apples. There better be some leftover apples for me when I come back on Thursday because caramel apples are one of my favorite things. They're totally healthy 'cause they're fruit, dammit!

Thursday we're having a catered lunch of roasted chicken, cheesy potatoes (these potatoes are TO DIE for!), applesauce, coleslaw and rolls & butter with yummy giant cookies for dessert. I feel like we're doing something else on Thursday, but I can't think of what it is right now.

Friday is Sports Day and employees can wear their favorite sports team jersey, t-shirt or sweatshirt. It's also Boss's Day and for all of the Team Leads, Supervisors, Managers and Directors we have handmade AMAZINGLY delicious shortbread cookies iced to look like smiley faces. They will also get pretty little brightly-colored wooden boxes with sayings written inside, like "Every day you get more wonderful". Inside the boxes we'll be putting magnets with different sayings like "Live. Laugh. Love." and other hippy dippy phrases. And then, because I'm 9, we also have a whole bunch of smiley face toys to give to them. Smiley face slap bracelets and pencils; those paddle things with the string and the ball; smiley face stress balls; little plastic slinkies with smiley faces on them, etc., you get the idea. Junky, fun, little things that they can keep or take home to their kids.

That's our week. It comes once a year in October and Dana and I plan and look forward to it. We put a shit-ton of effort and creativity into and every year end up feeling bad because the employees are assholes. But *this* year, I'm not going to let the negative ones get to me. I'm going to focus my attention and energy on the ones who appreciate it and who genuinely feel appreciated, because we DO appreciate our employees. This year, I'm going to have fun!

Mid-Week

2009-10-07T00:15:00.006-04:00

So this really has nothing to do with No Whining Wednesday, but I don't have anything else to write about. Well, I DO have other things to write about, but they'll take effort and thought and editing and I'm just not feeling super excited about any of those words, so you'll get this. And you'll LIKE it.

The grocery store by my house employs "special" folks as, I'm sure, lots of grocery stores do. One of the gentlemen who works there is named Dan and Dan falls somewhere on the Autism spectrum. He talks a mile a minute to you as soon as you get to the register and he does it with a completely flat tone with no rises or falls. He doesn't laugh, he says, "HA HA". I have no idea how, but half of the times I'm at the store, I wind up in Dan's line.

So, the other day I'm standing in line checking out and Dan's rambling on and on and saying, "HA HA" after every 3rd sentence. I saw my boss's 17-year-old daughter run in. I said, "Hey, Debi, whatcha' doing?"

She stopped and said, "Oh hey! I'm running in to get money and then I have to go meet my mom. She's REALLY mad at me. Like REALLY mad!" I asked why. She said because she was getting her nose pierced and her mom was not happy.

I laughed and said, "DEBI - you are not! I'm telling your mother!"

Obviously, I'm kidding.

Not to Dan. Dan stopped ringing up my groceries, lowered his eyebrows, looked at me scornfully and said, slowly and clearly, "You shouldn't tattle. It's NOT nice."

Dan had nothing else to say to me for the remainder of our checkout time together.

Yeah, so my recollection of this fascinating story probably isn't nearly as amusing as it was at the time, but you guys, it was really funny. Seriously. HA HA!

Happy No Whining Wednesday! Anything make you laugh recently?

No Whining Wednesday

2009-09-30T00:11:00.003-04:00

Can you believe we've been playing No Whining Wednesday for 3 months now? That's 12 weeks of making a concerted effort to focus on the positives (for one day a week) rather than the negatives. That's pretty damn impressive, mon petite chou-chous! For 1/4 of a year we've all chosen to turn our frowns upside down (okay, maybe not - but we've TRIED and that's the important part)!

My dad told me a lot of shit over the years (seriously A LOT of shit), but one thing he consistently told me is, "what goes around comes around" and he's not wrong. It may not happen immediately, but I've seen it happen enough to believe it's true. It's kind of the same concept with No Whining Wednesday. I'm a big believer in "you get what you give". I can't speak for the rest of you, but for me, I both look forward to and dread Wednesdays. I dread it because I know that I have to watch my stupid mouth and not be an asshole even though it's my automatic response and I look forward to it because I know that all of you are watching your mouths and not being assholes, too!

I want to clarify a couple of misconceptions about NWW for people who've been around since it started and also for new readers (Hi, new readers! I don't know why Blogger doesn't tell me when new people start following, but don't you think that would be a good idea?) who may want to participate, but aren't sure of the specifics. You don't have to be sprinkles and light and not have a bad day. I think I may have given the impression that you have to *only* talk about positive and happy things even if your day sucks beyond the telling of it. That's not true. Just try to find a way to focus on the up-side or find one good thing in that shitty day. Find the good in the situation. Even if you have to really s t r e t c h to find it, I promise you'll feel slightly better (if only for 2 seconds) when you identify the positive spin. Like the cartoon above illustrates, your mood is up to you. Also, I think some people think that by NOT posting about anything positive, they're not playing. So not true! If you're just refraining from bitching about how rotten your day/life is, you're TOTALLY playing! That's really what it's about. It's not about only having a good day; it's about not letting your bad day overcome you or seep into everyone else's day. Does that make sense?

There's a website I found this past weekend that sorta' exemplifies what No Whining Wednesday is about. It's called, "It Made My Day" and it has some entries that are totally in line with the sentiment I'm trying to get across. A lot of the entries lean toward the petty-ish, but a lot of them are about finding the silver lining without being all psycho pep squad about it. Check it out and let me know if you agree. Also, as usual, if you're feeling it, please let me know what good things are going on with you. You have no idea how much I look forward to your happy moments!

Happy No Whining Wednesday!

Addictions, Obsessions, Fixations...

2009-09-28T16:34:00.002-04:00

Recently, I've become fixated on three new foods. Well, the foods aren't new; I'm sure they've been around for ages, but they're new to me.

Based on the recommendation of my friend Kellie (who makes up one third of my brain, which is composed of me, Kellie and Anna von Beaverplatz - I'm not even lying, we are totally the same person!), I finally tried real maple syrup. I'd only ever had imitation maple syrup, like Mrs. Butterworth and Log Cabin and I didn't really like them very much, so I assumed I wouldn't really care for the real stuff on which it was based. So, yeah, I was wrong. Real maple syrup is the SHIT! Ohmynomnomnom! Every day I have to talk myself out of having pancakes, French toast or waffles. Every day. Because now, that's what I want all the time, just so I can put maple syrup on it. And here's the thing, guys, real maple syrup is NOT cheap! I bought this wee 3.4 oz bottle for almost $5.00 from the Amish Market (which is also a new obsession - I can't even stand going to the regular grocery store now because their produce sucks hairy, sweaty ballsacks. The Amish Market has locally grown vegetables and fruit, fresh churned butter, cheese, fresh baked bread, maple syrup, homemade pies {and they have MINI pies, so I don't feel like a giant hoggy pig girl}, and beautiful and inexpensive flower bouquets. I love the Amish Market SOO much!) FIVE DOLLARS for like 1/3 of a cup! So worth it though. A little goes a long way and it just has so much more flavor than fake syrup and it's not sickly sweet. If you haven't tried it, I recommend picking up some. Don't waste your money on the Canadian crap though. You can get US made and then you're not contributing to the impolite, hockey-loving Canadian economy. Fucking Canadians, all superior (oh, pardon, "superiour") with their REAL fucking maple syrup.

The other food I've become addicted to is spaghetti squash. Mmmm, spaghetti squash... Evidently, people put pasta sauce on it and use it as a substitute for traditional spaghetti. I haven't done that yet. The texture isn't even similar to pasta, so I'm not sure I could fully embrace that dish. However, baking the squash (which I call "squish" because I amuse myself for reasons I'm completely unable to explain) and then using a fork to separate the strands, like spaghetti, and eating it with butter, salt and pepper or with butter & brown sugar is so yummy! It's even good mixed with rice and Chinese food. I had some leftover Spicy Brocolli and only a little bit of rice, so rather than making more rice (because I'm lazy - I feel certain that we've covered this fact before), I added a clump of the spaghetti squash to the mixture. It had a great texture and was a bit healthier (or at least less carby) than white rice. The squish is a bitch to cut before you cook it, fucking rind is HARD, but if you nuke it in the microwave for about 5 minutes and let it cool a bit, it's easier to cut it in half so you can bake it. Also, I wouldn't have known to do this if Resa hadn't mentioned it, but you can totally roast/bake the squish seeds like you would pumpkin seeds. They make for a damn tasty little snack!

Speaking of seeds, I've recently become obsessed with black sesame seeds. I put them on *everything*. I add them to salads, the aforementioned squish, crackers and cream cheese, asparagus or any steamed vegetable, Chinese food, etc. They're delicious and nutty tasting with a tiny, little crunch to them. They're ridiculously high in fat, so I'm not sure what's up with that. I love seeds and nuts, so finding these and the squish seeds pleases me greatly.

Are you fixated on any foods right now? Anything you'll pay WAY too much for? Any spaghetti squash recipes for me? Know any Canadians who are all stuck up about their delicious syrup?

I Am Not the Mom of You!

2009-09-27T13:18:00.000-04:00

This has been a challenging week at work. Well, hell, most weeks are challenging, this one has just been mildly more irritating in its challenges. I was tasked by the VP and Directors to create & head a committee of employees to come up with ways to "fix" the office. Fix morale, fix shitty attitudes, fix low productivity, fix high turnover. Yeah, that shouldn't be too hard, right? I mean, gee, "Here Lainey, in addition to all of your regular responsibilities, we are charging you with changing the attitudes of 370 people of varying personalities, ages, genders, socio-economic backgrounds, etc. You need to make 370 people 'like each other and like their jobs'. You're creative and we haven't been able to do it, so here ya' go. Make it happen!"

So, I'll get on that this week, but I have to make sure I leave time for the following conversations that I have daily: (I'm not making any of these up.)

Employee #1 - I don't know what to do anymore. The co-worker in the next cube over eats chips and salsa every afternoon and the smell is killing me. Can you make her stop or move my desk?

Employee #2 - My co-worker hums. It's really annoying and I can't take it anymore. Also, she chews gum pretty loud. Can you please send out an email telling people to be respectful of the people around them?

Employee #3 - Someone is wearing really strong perfume or lotion and it's giving me a headache. Can you please send out a reminder email that people shouldn't wear strong scents because some people are sensitive and have allergies? (By the way, we send this out at least 5 times a year and we cover it EXTENSIVELY in New Hire Orientation. It doesn't work.)

Employee #4 - My co-worker made fun of me today because I'd never heard of putting sour cream on jojos. My grandmother is dying and I don't appreciate being made fun of. Can you please move her to another department or tell her she can only talk to me about work-related things?

Employee #5 - Why do the heavier employees get to wear leggings/stretch pants if the rest of us can't? I don't think it's fair. They have stores for bigger people, why can't they get clothes that fit them when we're expected to adhere to the dress code?

Employee #6 - I need copies of my paystubs for the last 12 months. (Me: did you save any of them?) I have most of them at home, but they're not in any kind of order and I'm missing some, but I don't know which ones and I need them today because I'm trying to get a loan. Can you just print them all out? (Without going into the system and individually opening 26 paystubs and reprinting them, no, I can't just print them all out.)

Employee #7 - (Anonymous note on my desk) Please make the supervisors stop calling employees "honey" or "sweetie". It's insulting and demeaning. It's unprofessional. They should be written-up.

Employee #8 - My supervisor has cankles and someone needs to make her wear long pants instead of skirts because it makes me want to puke when I see her legs. (Ok, I *might* have made this one up, but it's not that far-fetched.)

Employee #9 - Someone stole my Pepsi out of the refrigerator. This is the 5th time this has happened. Can we set up a security camera? (Yes, we'll set up a camera for your $.60 soda.)

Employee #10 (my boss) - Ohmygod, did you watch "Two and a Half Men" last night? It is HILARIOUS! God, I love that show!

So, surely I'm not the only one with petty co-workers. What's the most ridiculous/silly/whiny/petty thing you've heard from your co-irkers or supervisor? Please help convince me that while my employees are "special", they aren't unique.

FANfreakinFABULOUS Fall!

2009-09-23T00:15:00.000-04:00

Happy No Whining Wednesday and Happy First Full Day of Fall! (I love alliteration so much because I am a doofy dorkface!)

You guys, I love fall so much. SOOOOO much! The trees are just now starting to change and having grown up in San Diego with palm trees & perpetually green leaves, it's still breathtaking to me every year when the trees here change color. I drive over a bridge (well, two bridges actually, but I'm usually SPEEDING over one of them and I can't look around at the scenery...sorry, tangent...) on my way to work and watching the valley change colors during the next month will make me happy every single morning, if only for an instant; I look forward to it every year.

I start cooking in fall. Crock Pot meals that cook all day and smell amazing when I walk in the door after work. Giant pots of chili simmering. I might buy a bread machine and see if that's something I like. I see the pictures Figgy posts (oooh, happy birthday, figster!!!) of the gorgeous loaves of bread and I can only imagine how fantastic fresh baking bread would smell....mmmmm.....yeah, I'm gonna' buy a bread machine!

I love wearing my fuzzy socks and my flannel jammie pants. I can't wait to wrap myself in my pretty fleece blanket (Sarina's making me a blanket. Why? Because she is AWESOME and because she loves me even though I yell at her and shun her.) and curl up with a book. I love rolling down the windows in my car and turning on my heated seats. I love wearing darker colors because I look really good in dark purples and dark greens and because I often spill shit down the front of my boobs and I feel darker colors hide it better. There are just so many things to love about fall! Even the name, "autumn" sounds beautiful, doesn't it?

Ok my little sweet potatoes, what's your favorite thing about fall? (And don't say summer's your favorite season - I don't give a shit. We're talking about fall.) What do you look forward to each autumn?

No Whining Wednesday Whatchamajiggy

2009-09-16T00:05:00.000-04:00

Ok, quick and dirty (no, Cindy, it's not the SEX story...sorry! BUT, keep checking back. You never know when the SEXY SEX story might pop up)!

I was at the Amish Market after work today (I got a basket of the most delicious strawberries and this wee basket of tiny pears for 99 cents - I have no idea why I even go to the regular grocery store) and I'm perusing the asparagus when one of the stockboys walks by and kind of trips on ...nothing?... There was a woman about 35ish and her daughter standing next to me. The mom (quietly & in a sing-songy voice) said to the daughter, "toe pick!" I giggled like a dork because ...well, because I'm a dork, but also because *I* say that in my head every time I trip (which is a lot, granted, but I don't trip on *nothing*. I trip on real, tangible things, like lint and dust and AIR! I'm not a total spaz.) If you've never seen "The Cutting Edge", you probably have no idea why this is funny to me, but I've seen it 5320 times and I love that stupid ice skating movie so much!

So, there was that little giggle and my bowl of strawberries, grapes, pineapple and pears and I'm pretty content. It's in the low to mid 70's all week, I have a few new readers (HI there, new readers!! I don't like saying "followers". It sounds all Charles Manson-y) and I'm ready for Wednesday! I'm not even going to mention (I'm such a lying liar. I'm TOTALLY gonna' mention it.) how excited I am about new episodes of Bones, The Office, Glee, and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia this week, because there's more to life than teevee, ya' know? (No there's not)

Tell me kids, what good things do YOU have going on this week? Tell me, tell me, tell me!!

Time to Put on My Big Girl Panties

2009-09-10T23:41:00.000-04:00

No, this isn't about how I'm gaining weight (although, if I keep buying caramel apples and banana cake & pretending they count as a fruit, then my ballooning weight might be the next entry), it's about me needing to "man up" and get through tomorrow morning and the next few weeks.

My office crush resigned. Yesterday, you'll remember, was No Whining Wednesday, so even though this happened at 10:00, I kept my mouth shut (except for a couple of strongly worded emails to Sarina) about it. It would be sad if he was just my crush, but he's more. In the last year, he's become my friend. He's one of the VERY few people I can talk to and in whom I can confide at work. I can be myself around him and not some robotic HR version of myself. And, I think, he can be himself around me. We camp out in each others offices when shit's going down and we've had it with the staff. On Friday afternoons, we eat chocolate and surf the internet shopping for Movado watches, (which, OMG, do I want one SOOOOO badly [wait, for real, is it 'badly' or 'bad'? Why can I never remember the rules for adverbs?] but yeah, I can't drop $800 on a watch, but ohhh, so shiny!) and bitch about the retarded decisions the senior executives are making. I can call him anytime and say, "Got a minute?" and if he's not in a meeting or on a conference call, he says, "Sure, come on up. Bring chocolate." Or he'll get finished with a particularly aggravating meeting and he'll come to my office, quietly close the door, sit down in the visitor chair and exclaim (in a loud whisper), "FUCKING IDIOT COCKSUCKERS" and then stand up, nod at me, smile and leave the room. We get each other. That's not easy in my position or in his because we always have to be on our best behavior and you never really know who you can trust & a lot of people in upper management are arrogant jerks. I've trusted him since the "Peanu(t)s" incident, I guess, and he's trusted me since the first time he lost his temper about an employee and dropped the F-Bomb and instead of looking shocked or admonishing him, I laughed.

So anyway, I've known about it since yesterday, but wasn't allowed to discuss it with anyone until today and that blew! So when the supervisor called me this morning at 9:03, crying , I started crying and it was just a big ol' crying thing, off and on, for most of the day. Because, in addition to being all kinds of adorable, he's good at his job and replacing him is going to SUH-HUCK and his supervisor is going to have to pick up the slack until a new director is hired and is up to speed. It's a lot of work.

The staff will be told tomorrow morning and I have to go sit there, stoicly, and be the "HR Presence" when it's announced and I can't cry or even register any emotion. My stupid, little, asshole heart is being ripped out right now because I will miss him so much. With him and Jackie both gone, I have no one at work that I can really talk to. No one I can be my obnoxious, snarky, sarcastic self with. I can't talk to anyone when my boss declares that she can't decide who she loves more: Nickelback or Creed...I mean COME ON, I need to be able to laugh with someone about that shit, right?

This was pretty long and rambling and it really boils down to me being a big, whiny, baby, but I needed to get it out. It's been eating at my insides and I thought maybe if I got it out, it would be easier to sit impassively at the meeting tomorrow. If you've read this far and haven't made the "L" for loser sign with your thumb and forefinger, you're a peach. Thanks for that!

So, in conclusion, do any of you know a cute guy with a Master's Degree in Finance who's looking for a job?

09/09/09

2009-09-09T00:24:00.007-04:00

Happy No Whining Wednesday, y'all!

I don't have much to add to this week's entry, but I'm going to dig deep and come up with something.

1) My skin is really soft right now. I have no idea why, but I like it and I keep petting my face.

2) My inappropriate crush on one of the Directors at work is now shared by one of his subordinates! It's so awesome. She's the supervisor for his department and we act like dorky, giggly 16-year-olds; calling each other in the morning, "Have you seen him today?" "YES, he looks so adorable! He's wearing your favorite shirt." "OMG, teeheehee!" And then I find a reason to go upstairs to her office so we can casually stroll by his office to say "hi". Yep, I'm a spaz and I don't really care. It's amusing as hell and the supervisor and I are having a ball acting like moron teenagers. I'm fairly certain that this will be HILARIOUS when I'm packing my personal belongings in a box and being escorted out of the building...

3) The President of the United States addressed school children today and I have yet to see a parade of zombified, Commie kids roaming the street attempting to round up Death Panels to kill all the old people - ooh, like "Children of the Corn"! OUTLANDERS!! So, yeah, I think that's something good, right? I mean, think of the HORRORS that could have occurred from THE PRESIDENT addressing innocent schoolchildren and encouraging them to stay in school, work hard and take personal responsibility for their successes and failures. Oh no, just IMAGINE the horror!!! Holy balls people are retarded.

(Ok, so that last one wasn't really a No Whining Wednesday thing, but it needed to be said and it's my blog, so fuck it, I said it.)

4) Blogger has a new editor, so I can write in red and I can ~~cross out~~ strikethrough and write really big or really small and I can change the font to different styles now. There are no limits to the AWESOME things I can do ... but, yeah, I'll probably still write in the default style with bold and italics and *s because I'm very lazy and I don't really embrace change.

What's going on with you guys? Anything new and fun? Anything sorta boring, but not sucky? Anything? Anyone? Don't be shy!

I Should Have Been a Pre-School Teacher...

2009-09-03T20:17:00.000-04:00

An employee, in her late 20's/early 30's sent me an email this morning. It read, "I know you're very busy and there's a lot going on, but can I please come down and talk to you? It's not urgent, but it's pretty important." I told her to come down. This is what she said:

Employee: There's a girl in my department who calls me a nickname and *sniff*, I don't know what to dooooooo!

Me: What does she call you?

Emp: Queen Bee

Me: Ok, have you asked her to stop?

Emp: *crying* Nuuhh-uu-hh

Me: Ok. Have you thought about just asking her to not call you that?

Emp: *sniffle* Yes, but I didn't want her to be mad at me. *snuffle* I don't want to cause any problems or anything.

Me: Ok, hmm. Does she say it in a mean way? I mean, does she have an aggressive tone of voice or expression?

Emp: Nuh-uh.

Me: Hmm. Ok. Um, are you here because you'd like me to ask her to stop calling you that?

Emp: *snifflesnort* Whull, yeah. Um, I mean, I don't want to make a big deal out of it or anything because I don't want her to be mad at me.

Me: So, ok...Do you think she would be less upset by being called down to HR & being talked to? Do you think if you just maybe said, "Hey, um, I know you're just goofing around, but can you not call me that?"

Emp: *gulp* Yabbut, I'm afraid if I say something to her about it, she'll get upset & think I'm being a baby.

REALLY???? Why in the world would she ever think you're being a baby? *sigh* How do you function?

People, your Human Resources department is there to help you and make sure you're being treated fairly and everyone's following all the rules and crap, but we are NOT here to be your mom! In fact, if you act like this, your mom should be fucking smacked for failing to teach you to put on your big girl/boy panties and grow the hell up.

Whatcha Watchin'?

2009-09-01T23:14:00.005-04:00

I think I watch too much tv. Yeah, I'm actually pretty certain that I do. I am WAY too excited about the new tv season starting! I'm already planning my tv events. I *cannot* wait until "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" comes back on September 17th and I'm looking forward to the new Joel McHale show "Community", which I think also starts on the 17th. I watched the pilot online and it was pretty funny. I really liked the pilot for "Glee" that aired in May and am looking forward to seeing more of it. I think the pilot is being re-aired tonight at 9:00, so if you missed it, you should check it out. It's pretty darling.

I've also succumbed to the "Doctor Who" peer pressure over on Pajiba. Steven Lloyd Wilson's articles really piqued my interest and then Dustin's ringing endorsement finished the job - I need to watch this show. It's available on Instant Viewing through Netflix, so I may try to get in a season or two before the fall network season kicks in and I allow it to suck up all of my free time.

I haven't watched the season finale yet of "Fringe". It's stored on my DVR and I was holding off until right before the new season starts up, but I'm getting antsy because I forgot that stupid FOX doesn't usually start their fall season until after the World Series, which is when? October? I don't know. The fucking Indians are never going to be in the stupid World Series, so I don't really pay any attention. OOOH and then there's basketball - I think that starts up again in like October, so I'm going to be tied to the tube watching the Cavs with the new combo of Lebron and Shaq. Until they start losing and then I'll get bored and unless my dad gets me loge tickets again, I'll go back to not giving a shit about basketball.

It goes without saying (except obviously it doesn't, since I'm going to say it anyway) that I can't wait for "30 Rock" to come back and "The Office" (but only episodes when they don't actually leave the office. Those episodes outside of the office tend to get on my nerves because they're SO slapsticky and over the top). I'm curious to see what Joss does with the second season of "Dollhouse" and to see if Eliza Dushku's acting improved over the summer. I'm betting it didn't, but I'm going to be POSITIVE and hope it does (there's my No Whining Wednesday contribution)!

I'm sure there are other shows I'm missing. "Friday Night Lights" and the final season of "LOST" don't air until next year, so I'm not including them. What am I forgetting? What are you looking forward to watching and are there any returning shows you recommend checking out?

Oh and happy No Whining Wednesday! I've been off work for 4 days in a row, so Wednesday is either going to be a piece of cake (mmmm...cake...) or it's going to irritate the crap out of me to be back at the office. If things start going south, I'm going to really try to remember that it's only a 3-day workweek and then it's a 3-day weekend.

I want to hear from you kids. What are you looking forward to? Tv stuff? Holiday weekend plans? Just general life stuff? What keeps you going through the week?

Wednesday, You Wily Wascal!

2009-08-25T21:06:00.009-04:00

I took a vacation day on Monday, so my week is all jacked up. It's Wednesday already? Wow!

One of the side effects of this No Whining Wednesday EXTRAVAGANZA is that it makes me truly appreciative of the little things in my life. All of the things I take for granted; reliable car, friends I can count on, a good paying job, multiple lip balm options, etc. tend to get lost in the day-to-day grind of life. But equally important, it has also illustrated the incredible generosity of spirit in others. I'd really like to highlight those of you who are giving back and doing good things. You guys are my inspirations and when I'm feeling sorry for myself or am too lazy to take the trash out (it's THREE flights of stairs, ok??? Get off my back!), I think about you and the selfless & generous things you're doing and I feel like a lazy, whiny asshole. So, *obviously* I try not to think of you guys too much...

OnTheVirg is currently participating in a SEVEN HUNDRED mile bike ride to raise money and awareness for Hemophilia. SEVEN HUNDRED MILES. On a bike. I've mentioned this before and I mention it again, because, a) It's 700 freakin' miles! b) On a bike! Nice work, Virg. You're seriously impressive and I wish you lots of luck and I hope your ass doesn't become permanently numb.

Speaking of bike riding - The Falldownasaurus (™ Nicole), TK will be doing a charity bike ride to support lung cancer research and awareness in October. Provided he doesn't break a leg (or arm or front tooth or hip or um, really anything...) before then, I salute him! As a former pack-a-day smoker, I worry about my lungs and whether I've doomed myself to a future of emphysema or lung cancer. I'm thankful that people like TK are raising money to fight and prevent such an ugly disease. If you'd like to support him and donate, please click here. Good luck, TK. You're a good man.

Another cancer warrior is the kind and adorable Girl with Curious Hair. Such a funny and sweet girl, she's out there kicking Lymphoma's and Leukemia's ASSES! She's running with Team in Training to raise money to get rid of that fucking asshole Leukemia and she's doing it in memory of Alabama Pink. You can read her own lovely words here and if you are able to, you can donate here. Good luck, Girl and keep us updated on your training.

I've come across a new blog, via Twitter, that just excites me and makes me happy to know that there are such wonderful, caring and motivated people out there. It's called "It Starts with Us" (it's on my blogroll as Change the World!) and it's all about individuals doing small things (15 minutes a week) to affect the lives of others. This is the post that hooked me and now I look forward to the weekly projects and announcements. Check it out if you have a few minutes. You may find that you have a smile plastered to your face when you're finished.

So, now I want to hear (hear/read, whatever) about who or what inspires you. Who do you admire? What or who makes you smile? Feel free to pimp your pet project in the comments or to post links to your favorite charity or a story that had a positive influence on you.

Happy Wednesday!

Life: You're Doing it Wrong

2009-08-23T20:13:00.009-04:00

So, here's a little entry that's not the SEX story I promised. I'll do it eventually, I swear!

Ok, so, Sarina and I were talking the other night about how flawed the interview process is. (*ahem* Please allow me to submit Exhibit 13...) We started talking about interview questions we've asked & have been asked when trying to get an applicant to open up & reveal their true personality. The weirdest, but maybe the best, interview question that was ever asked of me was:

If you were on the cover of any magazine, what magazine would it be and what would the headline read?

I don't remember what my answer was. I know I said the magazine would be "People", but I can't for the life of me remember what I said for the headline. I just remember PANICKING because I figured that they wanted to see if you'd say something like, "Time: Woman of the Year" or "Entrepreneur: 30 Millionaires Under 30" or something work-related and emphasizing my super work ethic, but of course, my brain is thinking, "Cat Fancy - How to Keep Your Fuzzy Buddy Happy!" or something equally retarded.

So, I ask you. If you were in an interview tomorrow and the question were posed to you, how would you answer it?

NWW, Wheeeee!

2009-08-18T23:00:00.003-04:00

Hey guys, yeah, I suck. I know. That may or may not have been part of the SEX story I promised you...

I'm finding that between Pajiba, Facebook, Twitter and here, I don't really have that much to say. My boss would find that SHOCKING because I always seem to have plenty of shit to say at work. I think she'd like to institute "No Talking Wednesday". Yeah, that's just not gonna' happen. But really, I just don't have much of anything to write about. If something fun or interesting or annoying happens, I usually put it on Facebook or Twitter and then if I put it here, it seems repetitious (ok, seriously? That's a really hard word to spell!) I'm having trouble coming up with stuff that isn't 400 pages long or just a rehash of my stupid boring days. *sigh* I have no idea why you guys keep coming back. Except for Anna von Beaverplatz. She keeps coming back to see if we're actually the same person. I'm fairly certain that we are. Did you guys read her real time review of The Lost Boys? Ok, go read it. I'll wait.

Speaking of von Beav - we're going to watch Fear Wednesday night. Again, I've published this all over my damn Facebook page, so everyone but Cindy (*ahem*, dude, just come over to the Dark Side. Life is SO much nicer once you just succumb to the Pajiba peer pressure) should have seen the news that we're watching it. I'm pretty excited to watch it because a) it's a REALLY crappy movie, but I love the hell out of it and b) even though he plays a total psycho, it's where my love for Marky Mark was cemented. I love his whispery/raspy voice with the heavy Boston accent. I never had an interest in him when he had his crappy "band" or even when he was a Calvin Klein underwear model. But, as an actor, I dig him. He's got the sexiness.

What else? Oh, Wednesday is my boss's birthday. I'm picking up lunch and bringing a card for everyone to sign. I asked Thirteen if she would pick up a cake or cupcakes. She goes, "Yeah sure. I'll just bring some cookies or something." NO, DUMBASS. CAKE! Whatever. She's really lucky I haven't run over her in the parking lot yet.

I *will* post the SEX story at some point, but I haven't decided yet how much to share & I can't decide if it's even interesting to anyone but me. We'll see. I WILL tell you this though - did you know Amazon.com sells sex toys? Well, they do! Doesn't matter how I know, just say, "thanks for the valuable info, Lainey". You're welcome!

So, you guys up for another round of No Whining Wednesday? Are you still into it? I am! I can't believe the effect it has on my mood. It's amazing the difference I feel when I know that I don't necessarily have to be Suzy Sunshine, but I also know that I can't be Debbie Downer. That second of checking myself before I automatically bitch about something or the energy I redirect from whining to finding something positive in the situation. It really puts me in a better mood from the moment I wake up. Does it do that for you too or are you all just humoring me? I hope it's doing something for each of you. Even if it's just for a couple of minutes a week. Your comments and positive energy are like a drug for me and I look forward to Wednesdays now. Thanks for that!

And now that I've babbled on and on, Happy No Whining Wednesday! Gimme my fix!

NWW

2009-08-11T22:09:00.006-04:00

No Whining Wednesday is here AGAIN (Jesus, Wednesdays, what's your hurry and why are you so damn hard to spell? You're like stupid February. What's up with all the extra letters?). Work is kicking my ass and it's taking up most of my attention, which unless I get a promotion and a big ol' honkin' raise, sucks.

I've been trying new things lately; nothing big, just stupid little things here and there. Every time I've gone to the grocery store over the last couple of weeks, I've bought myself fresh flowers and arranged them and turns out, it's kind of relaxing and quite enjoyable to look over at them periodically. I think I'll keep this up! I'm also going to try scallops. Based on Doran and Liz's recommendation, I bought some today and will saute those bad boys up tomorrow night. I cleaned the hell out of my apartment this past weekend and I can't even tell you how much I love Nemo. I just feel like I'm doubling my efforts without doing anything. IT'S SO COOL! What else? Angel-ica and I are getting food Friday and are going to play Wii and laugh and laugh. Angie's laugh is so boisterous and awesome, I defy anyone not to be in a better mood when she's around. Even if she's pissed off, she's still able to laugh.

Speaking of laughing, I am boring the living crap out of myself with this here fancy blog! I have nothing funny or even interesting going on because I'm boring and because stupid work expects me to work, which is really pretty assholey of it when you think about it. Later this week I'll post something about SEX, so you better stick around. There'll be SEX talk and you don't want to miss out on the SEXY SEX! That'll bring you back, right?

So, what good, different or fun things are going on in your lives? Are you up for No Whining Wednesday?

PS: Don't forget the SEX coming later this week...

This is the best I could grab today. It's pretty cute actually. Enjoy and have a great day!

See more funny videos and Cute Animals Videos at Today's Big Thing.

PPS: SEX!!

Wooosh! Wednesday Already?

2009-08-04T21:25:00.005-04:00

I'm starting to think there's some weird time/space thing going on because DAMN, wasn't it *just* Wednesday? Ok, you know what that means. Hey, I have an idea, I'll go first!

As mentioned before, I bought a Roomba, robot vacuum. I've named him Nemo McSuckerbutt. He has a wee, semi-useless (but lucky!) fin jutting out from his side, so "Nemo" seemed a good name. McSuckerbutt, yeah, I don't really have an answer for that. It just popped into my brain and decided to stick there. I'll probably just call it Nemo. Anyway, my point is, I love him! He's vacuuming my kitchen RIGHT NOW! I swear to God, it's like living with the Jetsons.

Also, I took some of your advice and a smidge of my own and I made some plans. Nothing big, nothing fancy, just plans to be NOT in my house. Well, kinda' to be in my house, but to be in my house with OTHER PEOPLE, so that's progress, right? I emailed a couple of Human Resources ladies that I've met at various HR-related shindigs and asked them if they wanted to meet for drinks and to trade war stories and they said yes! We met tonight for a couple of hours and chatted about really boring HR crap, but it wasn't boring to us, it was pretty entertaining. It helped all of us to know that people act like fucking morons everywhere and it's not just our employees and we each took away a couple of ideas for morale building. In fact, I told them about No Whining Wednesday and they're taking it back to their offices to spread the positive vibes! Also, I called my friend Angelica and we made plans to go get dinner next Friday and then come back to my house & watch "The Soup" and play some Wii Sports Resort. Baby steps, baby steps...

Ok, I have to go rehearse a 2-hour, 180-page, idiotic Sexual Harassment and Workplace Violence Prevention presentation for tomorrow. I promise to do my level best to maintain the integrity of No Whining Wednesday, but I may slip into Sorta' Whining Wednesday since I have to go in an hour early AND I have to stand up in front of a group for 2 hours AND not be an asshole while I'm doing it. That's an awful lot!

I hope you all have a wonderful Wednesday and I'm looking forward to reading all about it! If you're looking for inspiration, check out Be The Change. The links will make your heart smile!

How NOT To Write A Cover Letter - Pt. 2

2009-08-03T19:00:00.007-04:00

Remember this? Ok, this one isn't as fantastically awesome as that, but it's still pretty good. And it's Monday. This is the best I can do today. It's exactly as I received it. Oh and the open position is for a Medical Biller & Coder, not that it really matters.

Welcome to my life!

“There are those who look at life and see things as they are. Then, there are those who look at life and see how things could be and ask the question: Why not?”

Robert F. Kennedy

I first want to thank you for your time and hopefully your consideration in me becoming a candidate for the position. I believe it is important first to promulgate the foundation of who I am not only in respect of applying for the position, but also in respect of you gaining a 3 dimensional view of who I am. Starting this process without having that view may leave it in vain.

First and foremost I am an artist trained in music to be specific. I began at age eleven and started classical training. The families of instruments I cover are strings and percussion. I write for all styles of music and all capacities as well. In writing for all various situations I truly believe I have gained a firm grasp on what is needed and what is not needed from an organizational standpoint as well from a leadership role. Working in music teaches you the most important aspects of leadership and work ethic. Values such as quality, efficiency, communication, passion for the work, team work and the most important value of all: humility. The grace in knowing you are wrong and admitting it in order to better the work. The art of conducting and band leading enunciates the value of leading by example and in turn that phrase becomes obligatory for the ones you are leading.

The next dimension of who I am is one of community service. I am a Secular Franciscan and the aspects of Franciscan teaching envelopes helping the sick and poor. I participate in food drives and go in the community and collect food for the poor as well as volunteering at ‘Little sisters of the poor’ retirement hospital with performing music and assisting with what ever they need. These actions give me a greater understanding of helping those who have less or those who need the most help.

In a leadership setting it is essential that no one should be, or feel left out or having feelings that they are not an important member of the team. With these aspects I would like to coagulate this resume into two sections. First music. Second other works. I would like to thank you once again for this opportunity to emancipate the aspects of who I am as a person and as well as my skills. The ability to create or drive or increase profitability for a company is as much an art as writing for a symphony or bringing life to a canvas. I hope that this introductory letter gives you what I hope will be the foundation of who I am for not knowing the root of an employee or for that matter a person can ultimately I believe lead to not knowing what the character of your staff will be.

Money Can't Buy Happiness...

2009-08-02T16:22:00.011-04:00

But it can buy a shit-ton of other stuff!

I've been on a weird spending spree of late. I don't often spend a great deal of money at one time or on myself. This isn't to say I don't treat myself regularly or buy the best "whatever" that I can afford; I do. I make pretty good money and have no one other than myself on whom to spend it. Oh and that giant piggycat, but really, she's happy with the boxes that my stuff comes in, so I don't spend a lot on her.

Lately though, like within the last 2 to 3 weeks, I've been going NUTS buying shit. I've recently purchased 8 movies, 3 tv series, a robot vacuum (for the *truly* lazy), 5 pairs of shoes (because the 46 I already own are not enough. No, I'm not kidding. I really have 51 pairs of shoes now. All in their boxes, labeled and neatly stacked), ~~hundreds~~ thousands of dollars worth of new clothes, a knife holder shaped like a body (awesome find, Rusty, thanks!) and a new video game disc for a video game console I never use. WTF?

Obviously, I'm overcompensating for something lacking in my life. I'm trying to buy a life. I used to spend money on trips and nights out. I used to go to the movies and dinner and football games and local concerts. I used to do all of these things when I was with someone. Since I've been alone, I go home after work and turn on the tv and the computer. I watch movies I've seen before because I hate watching new movies alone. I have no one to talk about them with. (Yes, I ended a sentence in "with". Suck it.) I don't seem to really cook anymore because cooking for one is a chore and leaves me with entirely more food than I need. And I don't really go anywhere because suddenly, I've developed some weird agoraphobic tendencies that I never had before. I get freaked out and anxious if I go someplace new.

This is turning out WAY whinier than I intended. I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining, I absolutely am not! In fact, what came to me was that it's time to STOP whining. To stop sitting around with a "woe is me" attitude and do something about it. I need to metaphorically and um, phorically? clean out my closet. Dump the shoes and clothes and memories that don't fit any longer. Clear out the clutter in my home and in my brain.

Some opportunities are coming up at work and maybe I need to go back to school? I also need to use the networking tools at my disposal and expand my business and personal connections. Maybe I need to try online dating while I'm at it? I don't know. What I *do* know is that I've let my life become stagnant and have embraced my inner-slacker too much. It's time to stop buying my life and instead make my life.

Any suggestions, tips or personal anecdotes you can share to help me get started?

Waaahhhhh....

2009-07-28T23:06:00.005-04:00

My word, this week has flown. FLOWN, I say! It's time for No Whining Wednesday again already.

I found myself looking forward to it today when I started getting a tidge cranky and picking at the little things. It's been a rough few weeks at work and if I let myself, I can easily wallow in the crapitude and negativity. I'm looking at Wednesdays as a palate cleanser, you know? A good time to stop. Take a deep breath. Reevaluate things. Refocus my energy.

I definitely plan to add to it after work on Wednesday and I really hope to be able to get even MORE positivity (is that a real word?) from your comments, but here's my good stuff for now.

* It's been in the low-to-mid 70's (I have no idea what that is in Celsius. I think I have to do math to figure it out and that's just not gonna' happen) with nice breezes for most of July. It's so wonderful to be able to sleep with the windows open and not sweat to death. PLUS, I'm not a Josie Grossie, from the nasty heat and humidity, by the time I get from the parking lot to my office every day.

* I got "Coraline" in the mail on Monday and I'm so going to watch it after work. This pleases me to no end!

* Speaking of movies, the lovely and talented Anna von Beaverplatz and I had a virtual movie date. We watched "Galaxy Quest" and chatted online during it and it was SO much fun! We're going to do it again soon and I think we've selected the fanfreakingtastically AWESOME "Fear" with Mark Wahlberg (who I secretly love and I don't even care. Suck it.) and Reese Witherspoon. Anyone who wants to join us is more than welcome! OOOH AND? I drank a Pepsi Throwback while we watched. First, I can't remember the last time I drank a non-diet soda and secondly, NO clue the last time I had one with sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup, but it wasn't bad. It's kind of spicy tasting, which I was unprepared for, but not unpleasant at all... Sorry, that was kind of tangenty, wasn't it? I'm SORRY. I've had quite a bit of caffeine and sugar this evening and my thoughts aren't exactly linear!!! I might be a tiny bit excitable. (!!!!)

* And finally - Thirteen is still annoying as hell, BUT she checks her notes before she asks me questions AND she is starting to actually take some initiative and has been *helpful* a few times. Progress!

Ok guys, your turn. What's the good stuff in your lives? Hell, I'll settle for things that are making you less stabby today...

Wow!!

2009-07-22T22:55:00.006-04:00

You guys fucking rock! Ohmygod, this day has been amazing! Ok, seriously, it was a *rotten* day filled with crisis after crisis and I didn't leave until almost 8:00 pm, but it was AWESOME anyway. Allow me to elucidate (I love that word!)

Actually, I'm not going to get into all the crap that went wrong today, because it's still Wednesday and I would be breaking my own rule...and also because it's probably boring as hell to anyone who isn't me. Instead, I'm going to use what's left of this 24-hour period, before I go back to my usual surly self, and focus on the great stuff that happened today.

First - I had THE best cup of coffee ever. I don't know what I did differently or if I somehow stumbled upon the perfect combination of strong, dark coffee, half & half and stevia, but I'm not even lying, it was so tasty!

Second - A complicated SNAFU happened with our payroll & accounting software that meant 355 people weren't going to get the raise they were expecting on Friday's check. I was cross-referencing some boring shit this morning when I got in and kind of accidentally discovered this. Even though I have NO authority (seriously, I can't even order lunch for a meeting without getting some sort of approval from 4 directors) I got them to stop payroll, reverse direct deposits and re-issue checks. 352 people will have no idea that this happened and will go about their daily lives & open their paychecks on Friday seeing the increase they expected to see. 3 of us will know that I am a Big Damn Hero.

Third - I made my boss laugh so hard she snorted. In a meeting. It was beautiful!

Fourth - I can't access Blogger at work (stupid Websense!), but I get all of your comments via gmail. Holy Godtopus, you guys have no idea how uplifting a steady stream of emails from virtual strangers can be! I thank you all for participating and I could just pinch your cheeks!

Fifth - The AMAZING Anna von Beaverplatz kept the pressure ON today. In a good way. Girlfriend blogged about No Whining Wednesday, tweeted about it all day and trended (is that the proper tense? Trended? Really?) it on Twitter. Please, if you haven't already, go read her blog. She just makes life better, ya know?

And Eyvi didn't exactly have The Best Day Ever, but damn did she try! Also, I laughed at her kid hitting his head (you're not a bad mom, that shit was FUNNY!) & you will, too. Go read.

And finally - Miss Stacey Nosek herself was kind enough to post a link on Pajiba Love to this here fancy blog and people came from all over the world to check it out. I normally don't pay much attention to the StatCounter because I don't really care (don't take that the wrong way; of course I care about each and every one of you, I just don't care enough to pay attention to where you're coming from unless you're searching for some deviant "mommy & my cock" stuff. Which, seriously, wtf is UP with that? I'm going to have to post another update of search results...but I digress), but my goodness, the number of visits went up by like 200! So, if you're new here - hi, welcome, thanks for coming by. If you've been here awhile - hi, good to see you, why do you keep coming back? Seriously, the internet is a vast place full of time-wasters, surely you can find something more entertaining?

Ok, I'm done babbling for now. Again, thank you all SO much for indulging my made up holiday today! It really did change my whole attitude, mindset and mood today and I hope it did the same for you. I'm pretty sure I'll be doing this again next Wednesday, so if you got *anything* positive from it, please come back & do it again.

Lainey Yap

2009-07-21T23:35:00.001-04:00

Lagniappe
la·gniappe \ˈlan-ˌyap \

Etymology:
American French, from American Spanish la ñapa the lagniappe, from la + ñapa, yapa, from Quechua yapa something added

: a small gift given a customer by a merchant at the time of a purchase ; broadly : something given or obtained gratuitously or by way of good measure; a little something extra :

You guys are my lagniappe.

I started this thing as a distraction. When Michael and I ended our relationship, I didn't know what to do with all of my time. I started spending more time at Pajiba (It's true. Ask the IT guys at work. They can probably tell you exactly how much time I spend at the 'jiba) and eventually dipped my toe in to comment. I had been reading for a while and I trusted that TK, AlabamaPink and socalledonlycousins** wouldn't let anyone rip me up too badly. No one did and slowly, but surely, I got more comfortable posting there.

I started this here fancy blog thing and really didn't expect anyone to read it. I especially never expected anyone to read it with any regularity. It was mostly a place to spew my random babbling. It has become so much more.

I consider you guys my friends. I consider you guys my confidants. I consider you guys my support system.

You're my lagniappe. Thank you.

You're my good thing for No Whining Wednesdays!

I'd also like to highlight a good deed (and there are actually MANY I'd like to draw attention to and I hope to do this every week) from a guy who makes me laugh & also gets me to say, "awwww" from time to time. He doesn't post often enough *cough*, but I figure he's probably pretty busy with training and with running a small zoo out of his home. If you have a moment or two, check out his blog (which, when he updates it *cough* is very entertaining) and read about his bike ride of 700 miles in 7 days! Wait, read that again - SEVEN HUNDRED MILES on a bike! I can't ride 700 miles in a CAR without whining about it! He's riding to raise funds to help folks with hemophilia. 700 miles! On a bike! His blog is called "My Taste in Wine Leans Towards Vodka" and it won't kill you to go read a few words and hopefully donate a few bucks to a very worthy cause.

Ok, so what do you guys have going on? Big plans for No Whining Wednesday? Do you even care that tomorrow is Wednesday? I want to hear about the good things in your lives! Seriously, even if it's relatively minor or seemingly insignificant. If it made you stop for even a few seconds and think, "oh hey, that's a good thing", then my evil plan worked. I'm gonna' be looking forward to Wednesday for the first time since LOST went on hiatus...Oh LOST, I miss you so much...luscious manlocks, dirty, dimpled Sawyer... wait, what? Sorry, distracted by thoughts of shirtless, wet, snarky Sawyer... wait, what?

Where were we? Oh yeah, please share your small victories, happy thoughts, compliments, successes, or a moment of gratitude. Happy Wednesday!

** It was like 4 months before I figured out that Ted Boynton, The Boozehound and socalledonlycousins was the same person. I'm wicked smaht!

God, Grant Me the Serenity...

2009-07-20T16:51:00.003-04:00

To not punch my dad in the head!

Yes, yes, I said all kinds of hippy dippy positive shit in my last entry and I totally meant it and plan to do it on Wednesday. This is Monday. I don't have to be positive and happy yet.

Backstory -
My dad believes that everyone you know and have ever met in your life, but especially family, can get you a deal on anything.

So far, the guy he knows who can do my brakes - fucked them up so badly that Honda had to special order a part to fix it.

The furniture that he was going to buy from the store where my cousin works - cousin was authorized to give him a whopping 3% discount. Regular furniture store gave him a 12% discount.

The friend who fixed the AC in his car - the car had to go back 3 times and finally on the third time, the guy admitted that they'd cracked something the 1st time they had it, so it was going to take a few extra days to get that sorted out.

The friend of his who was going to clean my apartment for WAY less than the woman who I usually have do it. She swept the floor, wiped out the sinks and took out the trash. Wow, all that for $45?

The friend he knows who can get me a deal on insurance - charges $22 a month more than my current insurance provider.

The uncle who can get me my glasses for way less money - it took me almost 2 months to get my glasses.

The uncle who could get me a discount on the really good Goodyear tires - I had to take a half of a day off of work to accompany him to the Goodyear store, so I could get my 20% off. I also had a coupon for 20% off. Yeah, I couldn't use the coupon AND the employee discount, so either way, I was getting no more than 20% and I could have saved 4 hours of my vacation time & not had to talk to my annoying uncle.

Is a pattern emerging?

Now, he knows a guy who works for Time Warner who can get me Road Runner, phone, cable, Showtime, HBO, Cinemax & Starz for $80 a month. I pay about $120 now. I told my dad "No, thanks, it's cool." It took me over a year to figure out what the hell was wrong with my cable to begin with (I wasn't able to use the OnDemand channels. I researched it, I fixed it. Yes, I'm a bad-ass.) and now that everything's working hunky dory, I'd rather not fuck with it. Now my dad's all mad at me and acting like a big 'ol jackass because "It must be nice to piss away an extra $40 a month..." and he's going to look bad in front of his friend (Why will he look bad? I don't know.)

So, here's my question - do I just shut the fuck up & let his friend do whatever Time Warner magic he claims he can do (ooh, which by the way, the ex used to work for TW. He was never able to lower my cable bill and I was blowing him. Why *this* guy can, I don't know.) and just cross my fingers that this doesn't end poorly. OR do I stand my ground and just say, "yeah, no, I'm filthy rich & I don't mind spending the extra $40 a month".

What say you?

If You're Happy & You Know It...

2009-07-19T23:04:00.006-04:00

Clap your hands - *clap* *clap*

Hey, kids! 'Sup? I've been away from the intertubes a lot this weekend because I appear to have some sort of stomach MONSTER that wants to destroy me. Every time I thought about posting a status update on the Facebook or Twitter, I really thought about it for a long time. I didn't want to be that girl. The one who only posts negative or whiny info. So, I got an idea while I was trying to come up with positive content.

I'd like to institute "No Whining Wednesdays"!

On Wednesdays, I'm going to try my best to only post positive status updates, blog posts & tweets. I'm going to make it a point to focus on the good things, rather than the bad, and recognize the good things in others.

My theory is that if you don't automatically post any and every complaint that pops into your head, you're forced to be optimistic. Yeah, I realize it sounds jacked up to have to force yourself to be upbeat, but sometimes, you gotta' fake it 'til you make it, you know? It's not like I invented that cliche.

In addition to the positive updates, I'm going to also try to post a blog entry praising or highlighting the good deeds or success stories of others.

I'm sure I sound like a total Pollyanna and I have no idea how long this will last, but I hope you guys will want to play, too! It would tickle my tiny toes to know that a bunch of us (all 7 of you who read the nonsense I spew) are paying equal attention to the great things in our lives.

So, who's in? I swear if you sumbitches leave me hanging... Um, I mean - this is going to be SO MUCH FUN, right?

I've Made a Huge Mistake...

2009-07-12T15:05:00.013-04:00

Hey kids, remember when I said Thirteen was sucking my will to live? Yeah, I wasn't lying. She's seriously making me hate my job. This is so not cool, because as much as I bitch about it, I basically love my job.

It's like working with an OCD Chihuahua. She's nervous, yappy, repetitive and annoying as hell and I need to like her, but I can't figure out how. My boss called me into her office the other day. She said, "Do you have any idea how funny it is for me to listen to you talk to her all day long and by about 3:00, you're just done. You've had it with being polite. You've had it with being helpful. You're just done."

I was a bit concerned and I honestly felt bad! I said, "Do you think she can tell?"

My boss, who is SO going to Hell, said,"Oh nooooooo, that's the HILARIOUS part! She has no idea how close you are to ripping her face off! I'm pretty sure she thinks you guys are buds!"

Super.

I have to go to a job fair with her all day on Wednesday. Now, if you remember from my earlier post, job fairs are painful, exhausting and an exercise in patience & acting. With Jackie, we could help each other out and keep the mood light, so the day didn't seem quite so heinous. Yeah, I don't really see this happening with Thirteen.

Here are some reasons that she makes me want to punch her in the head:

* She asks the same question OVER AND OVER and never refers to her notes. When I remind her that we've gone over this and it's probably in her notes, the first thing she says is, "I don't think so." After I make her look at her notes, she says, "Oh yeah, that's right." So, wouldn't logic dictate that she should look at her notes first and then ask me?

* She shakes. She's told me that she's on several different medications for anxiety, OCD and who knows what else. That's fine. People have nervous issues, I'm cool with that. I take anti-anxiety medication when I fly. (And sometimes just for fun!) But, then with all of those different drugs in you, why are you still a quivering mass of vibrating nerves? You make ME nervous. Stop it. Plus, she twirls her hair when she's nervous, so that pretty much means *constantly*. She twirls and twirls and then her eyes glaze over when you're having a conversation and I think this explains why she doesn't retain any information. She's drugged out & zoning. Hey, if I have to be sober at work, so should she!

* She set up a webcam to watch her cat. I don't think this needs further comment.

* She's OBSESSED with all things Twilight, Edward Cullen and Robert Pattinson. First she said she didn't like RPatz, but turns out that was kind of a lie. She LOOOOOOOVES him and sends me text messages to tell me that according to the Facebook quiz she took, Robert "I need a bath" Pattinson is her celebrity dream boyfriend.

* She can't seem to read body language or facial cues. She does ok with applicants, I guess, but she can't seem to tell when I'm getting annoyed or impatient. This is bad, because I'm pretty obvious about it. If she can't read me, then it concerns me that she'll not be able to read our boss's or other upper management's tone and body language & will annoy them, which let's face it, this will come back to bite me because they'll just refuse to deal with her and will come to me instead.

* The other day, we were talking about how an employee was not going to be eligible for a referral bonus because the applicant didn't list the referring employee's name anywhere on their application or new hire paperwork. Thirteen said, "Will the employee think we 'Jewed' them out of their bonus?" Wait, WHAT??? Did you just actually fucking SAY that? I didn't even respond at the time, because I was so taken aback by the comment. Is that something the kids say nowadays? I'll have to talk to her about it sometime (soon!), but I keep waiting to hear what other completely inappropriate bon mots she's going to drop.

* I'm pretty sure she's bulimic. The girl weighs all of 100 pounds, and I see the crap she eats! She's not a nibbler. She either works out for 3 hours a day or she pukes. Also, because she's so freakin' skinny, she's cold all the time. It's JULY and she wears a sweater or coat every day. It's JULY!

* She doesn't seem to grasp the subtleties of sarcasm. She thinks I'm serious when I say something that is obviously sarcastic or facetious. When she tries to be sarcastic, it comes off as caustic & mean sounding. She tries to emulate my conversational style with the management staff, but they know me. They're used to me & I know who I can be sarcastic with and, more importantly, who I can't. She doesn't & they don't know if she's kidding or not & several have already decided she's a snotty halfwit. I've tried explaining to her that she needs to know her audience and she just glazes over and says, "Oh, right, I know. She knew I was playing." Um, nuh-uh!

Ok, I'm finished. Sorry, I just had to get that out, because, you guys, I need help! I need to like her. I need to be able to work with her & I need to be able to mentor her and I don't know what to do. I'm not saying I need to be friends with her, but I have to be able to spend 8 - 10 hours a day with her and NOT dream of ways to catch her hair in the shredder. Talking to my boss about fixing it is not an option. She's tasked me with this. Ideas? Suggestions? I'll take anything you're offering except ways to kill her or get her fired. I have enough of those...

Things That Go Bump in the Night

2009-07-08T14:33:00.001-04:00

I'm pretty sure I have a ghost. Or maybe I just had a weird day. You tell me.

Last night around 9:00 I heard a loud, but muffled, *POP* coming from my kitchen. It sounded kind of like a gunshot. The cat started freaking out (like she does) and running back and forth between the kitchen and the bedroom, back and forth, back and forth, "What is it, girl? Timmy fell down a well?" So, I investigated. I didn't see anything amiss and was about to go back to the bedroom, but decided to open the refrigerator (like I do) and there was slushy Diet Pepsi covering everything in the fridge. WTF? I have several cans of soda in the refrigerator, as well as bottles of water, milk, juice, etc. I even have a little bowl of water with asparagus standing upright in it (Little tip from Martha Stewart. It totally keeps the asparagus fresh longer). NOTHING else is frozen. Nothing. Somehow, this single can of soda managed to freeze in my refrigerator and EXFUCKINGSPLODE all over the damn place.

"How is that evidence of a ghost, Lainey?"

I'm GETTING to that! Patience....

While I'm cleaning up the mess in the fridge, my neighbor starts ringing my doorbell. I yelled at her to come in and she said,

"So, I was just sitting outside having a smoke and your interior car light turned on. It's on. You might want to check that."

Perplexed, I followed up, "Huh?"

She said she was sitting on the back porch, she looked over toward my car and the interior light was suddenly on. She admitted that it was possible that it had been on the entire time, but she didn't think so. (She's kind of a lush, so it's possible that the second scenario is the likely one...)

I thanked her and went out to the car and fiddled with the light. I didn't actually do anything other than turn it off and on. After a minute or two, I got bored and went back inside and the light (as far as I KNOW) didn't turn back on by itself.

Ok, so then, I keep a pretty little blanket at the foot of my bed. It's decorative. I've never used it as a blanket. Fatty McFatass likes to lay on it, but I don't use it. I woke up this morning with it DRAPED OVER ME!! *insert spooky music*

I KNOW, RIGHT??

I suppose it's possible that sometime during the night, in the midst of a dream, I pulled it up and covered myself with it, but that's not nearly as entertaining as the ghost theory.

I'm going to have a "Getting To Know You" conversation with the ghost tonight. I think it's a chick. I don't know why exactly, I just think it seems more like a girl thing to cover me with a blanket and also, it kind of creeps me out to think it's a dude ghost. Like, I don't care if a lady ghost sees me spending quality time with myself, but a guy ghost might get all aroused and want to participate. AND, in the event that I ever have a live man in my apartment again (shut-up, it could happen!), I'm afraid a boy ghost would get jealous and get into a spectral pissing match with my corporeal gentleman caller and that is some hassle I don't need.

Do any of you have ghosts? Are you friends with them or do you ignore each other? How do you co-habitate? I may need tips. Story Time!!

Beirut, Quarters, Flip-Cup, Beer Pong...

2009-07-05T14:32:00.015-04:00

What are 'drinking games I've never played', Alex?

Remember the drinking game, "I Never" (although some of my friends call it "Never Have I Ever" which seems ridiculously redundant to me)? I thought it might be fun to play it with or without the alcohol. Please feel free to contribute your own "Nevers" and hey, do some shots if you're feeling it. I don't drink, so I'll not be partaking, but you should feel free. In fact, while we're talking about it, now's as good a time as any to bring this up because it seems to get questioned on Facebook at least once a week. I don't drink, but I'm not against drinking. I used to drink, but never really excessively. Wellll, a couple of times pretty excessively. I didn't *quit* drinking so much as I just stopped without realizing it. I think I stopped right around when I quit smoking. I wasn't a big drinker before that, because I don't get buzzed. I go from stone-cold sober to WASTED with no warning. Sometimes it's from one vodka martini and sometimes it's after 4. Sometimes one glass of wine would be my undoing and sometimes I could drink most of a bottle. Whether I had eaten beforehand seemed to have no bearing on the situation. It was always a crapshoot as to whether I'd have a drink and be fine or have a drink and be hammered. Also, I got horrible hangovers that took all day to get over. So, essentially, I just stopped drinking because it wasn't worth the hassle and I think you've all learned by now that I am LAZY as sin and will do anything to avoid effort or hassles.

Ok, with that out of the way, back to the game. So, here are a couple of my "Nevers" and I really hope you guys will play, too.

* I've never eaten Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.
My dad thought it was disgusting & wouldn't allow it in the house when I was growing up. The smell makes me gag and I used to lock myself in my room when my roommates made it.

* I've never shared a bedroom.
I don't have siblings, so I never had to. And I've never lived with a boyfriend & I haven't been married, so again, never had to.

* I've never watched "The Wire"
And I kind of have no desire to even though the Pajiba Overlords RAVE about it. In fact, because I'm an obstinate twit, the more everyone goes on about it, the more I don't want to watch it.

* I've never spent the whole weekend in bed making love.
I've spent the entire weekend fucking (you're not wrong in thinking that I am klass-ay), but not the lazy, affectionate, lovey-dovey, can't-get-enough-of-staring-at-each-other, lovemaking that I read about & see in TV & movies.

* I've never owned a brand new car.
I could afford to buy one, I just won't. It seems like a waste of money and also, I'm fairly certain that buying a NEW car would ensure that I would be in my first car accident. Which brings me to:

* I've never been in a car accident.
2 minor fender benders - once I rear-ended someone and caused no damage to either car and once I was rear-ended by someone on the highway when traffic was stopped. Minor damage to my car & dented fender on theirs.

Now I want to read yours! They can be serious or funny. As many as you want. Just share!

A Hodgepodge of Blah

2009-06-24T16:01:00.012-04:00

Few things going on. Nothing really worthy of its own entry, so I'm just going to cram 'em all into one.

First up - Thirteen is sucking my will to live. Here's a tip, never hire someone based primarily on the tv shows they watch. (Turns out you can love both "The Office" AND be obsessed with "Twilight" & Edward Cullen. Who knew?) Ok, that's not really fair. *Anyone* in this position would annoy me, while they're training, because I'm terribly impatient and not good at hiding it. BUT, when I tell someone repeatedly to take notes about something I'm teaching them and then I tell them repeatedly to use said notes for future reference, I get peeved when they completely ignore this & continue to repeatedly ask me the same question. Also, I took a vacation day today. Our boss and other co-workers are still in the office. I didn't leave her completely on her own. I told Thirteen that she could call me if she had questions. Evidently, she thinks far more literally than I do, because she's called me for every question that has popped into her head today and also to tell me her aunt's dog died last night & she's sad. She called to ask me why her computer screen is turning green when she tries to quit a program. She called to ask me if she should have an applicant take a test. She called to ask me what she should do with an application I put on her desk last night. (I put a note on the application; it said, "Give to Deb W. Ask her to call the applicant to do a phone interview".) Then she called me back to ask me where Deb sits. Dude, that's not exactly what I meant when I said call if you have questions. Whatever, I'll eat that mistake. Live and learn.

Next - I got my hair straightened last night and it went, to put it mildly, horribly wrong. I get my hair straightened every 3 or 4 months and it normally comes out just dandy. For the record and at the risk of sounding terribly conceited, I have great hair. However, it's neither curly nor straight and it's not technically wavy either. It's more bumpy. It holds curl beautifully and it straightens nicely as well. It was damn near perfect in the '80's when big hair was all the rage. In the summer, the humidity makes it frizzy and knotted underneath and it takes entirely too much effort to maintain it for work, so I get it chemically straightened. For whatever reason, the lady I've been going to for 10 years decided to do it differently than she normally does and now...well, now it's just wretched. It looks like Hat Head. Like I've been wearing a knit cap pulled tightly over my crown for approximately 37 days and now I've taken it off. My hair is FAH-LAT smooshed against my skull at the top and then hangs straight and full at the bottom, so to say it looks rather like a pyramid would not be untrue. I paid $112 for this look that I could have achieved by wearing a do rag & using a flat iron.

And finally - something's wrong with my brain. I don't talk about this, to anyone, but I'm going through a really rough patch lately because I can't get this jerk out of my head. I hate myself for loving him and I hate myself for missing him and I hate myself for being a douchey, crybaby girl, but the fact of the matter is, he was my best friend and I miss him. Every day. It doesn't go away. It doesn't hurt less. It's not getting better. My heart aches & I get a lump in my throat every single day because every single day I want to talk to him. He has a starring role in most of my dreams and I hate that I wake up every morning and the first thing I think of is him. I want him to make me laugh and I want to know how he is and I want to be able to have a friendship with him and it makes me SO angry & sad that I can't. Balls.

Since I hate ending things on a total downer, I'm sharing this little tidbit with you. I recently installed a Stat Counter because I was curious as to how people wind up here. Not surprisingly, most of you are from Pajiba or Facebook (and since the only people I have on Facebook are from Pajiba, basically you're all pretty much here from Pajiba). However, sometimes folks get here by way of Google and the shit they're searching for is HI-larious! Below are some actual search phrases that led them to this here fancy blog. Please to enjoy!

"opposite of exciting" - Okay, 3 different people searched for that and wound up here. C'mon that's just funny!

But these just baffle me:
"mom jerking daddy off"
"moms and me or two guys"
"Bang My Step Mom"
"mom told me that it is good for girly boy to suck cock"
"Mom busted boys in jerking contest on the stairs"

Welcome visitors with sexual mommy issues! Pull up a chair and stay for a while. We love new people!

Dad Is Great, He Gives Us Chocolate Cake!

2009-06-19T19:17:00.004-04:00

So, Father's Day is Sunday and I was thinking about what to get the old man & wondering if he would find it funny if I gave him some sequined-covered something or other when it dawned on me that I would probably have a hard time finding any kind of sequined-adorned guy thing. Probably aren't a lot of places that make sparkly, beaded steering-wheel covers or something equally useless & manly. So then, while I was being a jerk thinking up asinine gifts for my dad, I started thinking of all the really nice things he's done for me over the years. Here is a sampling:

* When I was a wee lass, he and I used to build forts in the living room out of the furniture cushions, sheets, and blankets. We would lay in the forts with the old 1970's GIANT earphones on our ears listening to The Rolling Stones and Queen, at ridiculous volumes, until my mom would scream at him that he was going to make me deaf. Then he would make faces at her and turn it down a half a notch.

* When my mom made us go to the mall with her, my dad would hide in the clothing racks & play Hide & Seek with me. I was about 3. He was about 23. Technically a grown-up, but practically a child himself.

* On the 4th of July when I was a sullen and moody teenager, he brought home sparklers. I sneered at them and made some comment about sparklers being for children. He put a lighter and a box of sparklers in my hand and then pushed me outside into the backyard and locked the sliding glass door. He wouldn't let me come in until I "frolicked". At first I was obnoxious and pouty about it, but he stood his ground and eventually, I "frolicked". I laughed SO hard at the ridiculousness of the situation and he came out and ran around the backyard with me waving sparklers in the air, twirling in circles and singing, (loudly and horribly off-key) "True" by Spandau Ballet. Yeah, I don't know why either, but it happened.

* In high school, they had a bizarre punishment called "7 AM Detention", during which you were required to be at the school at 7:00 AM and you had to write out the rules while sitting in the library for an hour and a half. It was an idiotic punishment. So, I did something (probably mouthed off to someone, SHOCKING, I know) and received the aforementioned detention. The principal called my dad to tell him that I had to be at the school by 7 the next morning. My dad said, "No problem. I'll have her out in front of the house around 6:45." The principal, understandably confused replied, "Why?" and my dad answered, "So you can pick her up." The principal chuckled and said, "Oh no, Mr. Bobainey, *you* need to bring Lainey to the school for her 7 AM detention." My dad chuckled back and said, "Oh no, Mr. Principal, *I* didn't do anything wrong. You want her there, you'll need to come and get her. Otherwise, find a suitable punishment that actually punishes *her*." Apparently, no other parent had denied this request and the principal was stymied as to how to respond. My dad just said, "Ok, thanks for calling" and hung up. I got grounded for being an asshole, and I should have, but I didn't have to go to the moronic detention. I think I had to write an essay or something instead.

* While in high school, my curfew was 2:00 AM. I thought my dad was the coolest (and maybe the most clueless) parent in the world because everyone else had to be home by 12:30. This came up in conversation a few years ago and he confessed that he knew everyone else had to be home by 12:30, so he figured if he set my curfew at 2:00, he would look like the cool dad, but I would still be home before 12:30 because I wouldn't have anyone to hang out with. Hmm, smart thinking, buddy!

* And my favorite - I was getting ready for my Junior Prom and my dad asked me where I had put the boutonniere. I told him I had no idea what a boutonniere was. He looked a bit shocked and told me it was the lapel flower I give to my date; the guy corsage. My eyes welled up & I told him that I didn't have one. He said, "Oh. No. No, you have to have one." My date was picking me up in less than a half hour. I was 16, so OF COURSE I started panicking! My dad told me to relax and to finish getting ready. He called the florist a mile or two away and ordered a simple white rose boutonniere that he would go pick up for me. Here's where the story gets sweet - our car was in the shop, so my dad drug one of the old bicycles out of the garage, and pedaled his 36-year-old, two-pack-a-day-smoker ass up to the florist a couple of miles away. He got back just before the limo arrived with my date. He was out of breath and his cheeks were bright red, but he just handed me the florist box, gave me $20 (just in case) and told me to have fun. He probably went inside and puked immediately afterward, but I didn't see that part.

Thanks, Dad. You didn't have it easy raising a kid by yourself and you did a pretty damn good job. Happy Father's Day!

Scrantonicity

2009-06-08T20:44:00.010-04:00

After interviewing every skinny, blonde, 22-year-old girl named Courtney/Lindsay/Casey/Bailey/Kelsy/etc., we have a new recruiter. YAY!!!

We hired a skinny, brunette 22-year-old with a name ending in "Y"!

In actuality, we only interviewed 13 people (plus another 5 or 6 on the phone) and the girl we hired was number 13. From here on out, I will refer to her as "Thirteen". Couple reasons for this.

First - I can't remember her damn name! Seriously, after the parade of perky "Y's", all of them blend together in my head and I keep referring to her by the wrong name.

Second - I used a fake name for Jackie, so it's only fair that I give her a pseudonym, too.

Third - She looks kind of like Olivia Wilde who plays, "Thirteen" on House. Yes, she's 22, smart, thin and beautiful. No, I don't hate her yet.

She was one of several qualified candidates. Everyone we talked to was smart and engaging and had some or most of the skills we were looking for. It was hard to narrow it down. None of them really won us over immediately like Jackie did and my boss and I were becoming discouraged. And then Thirteen came in for her interview.

She was, honestly, no better or worse than any of the others we had talked to. However, she commented on "The Office" calendar hanging on my bulletin board. She asked if I was a fan and I said that my boss and I love it. She smiled and said she liked it, too. We finished the interview and at the end she asked if I would like her LinkedIn address. I said, sure. She pulled a notepad out of her purse & wrote the address on it. Imprinted across the top of the note was:

That's what *she* said.

And that's how Thirteen became the new Jackie.

Testing, Testing...Is This Thing On?

2009-06-05T00:37:00.001-04:00

Move along. Nothing to see here. I'm just trying out the posting from email function.

Oh hey, wait! While I'm here, I keep forgetting to say, "Hi!" to the new readers/followers of this here SUPER FANTASTIC EXCITING blog.

Hello new readers/followers and thanks for taking time out of your life to read my silly babbling. You'll never get these minutes back, so I hope you're either very young and have plenty of time to kill or you're very, very old and are just waiting for the Angel of Death to relieve you of your pitiable existence. Either way, I'm really glad you're here. Please chime in and comment if you feel like it. I love ignoring new commenters just as much as ignoring people who've been around for a while & who are far nicer to me than I deserve. But really, I don't love ignoring anyone, I'm just a slacker and sometimes it takes me a while to respond to the witty and wonderful comments you guys leave. I'm trying get better at it. Maybe if new people comment, maybe it'll guilt me into responding within a reasonable time frame. I'm willing to give it a shot!

BTW, the search to replace Jackie is almost over. I'll post more about that later, but I don't want to jinx it until she actually accepts our offer. Hopefully, I'll know something by this evening or by Monday morning. Keep your fingers crossed!

Ok, let's see if this posting via gmail thing works...

I Guess It Was Inevitable...

2009-05-30T13:56:00.011-04:00

It appears that I have finally reached the age where I've become invisible to men. I knew it would happen eventually 'cause I've totally seen it happen to other women. I've watched a group of guys crane their necks like prairie dogs when any butterface under 28 walks into the room, but not even turn their heads slightly when an average looking 40ish woman walks up to the bar next to them. I just didn't expect it to happen to me so soon! I've always been tiny, moderately cute, with big boobs and a big smile. I've never been "hot", but I've always been kind of cute. It's not like I ever had guys swarming around me or fighting to buy me a drink, but I've grown accustomed to being overtly and covertly checked out. Yeah, so, not anymore, I guess.

Yesterday was Jackie's last day. As if that wasn't sucktacular enough, last night I had to go for drinks & dinner with the obnoxious VP, two of the Directors (yes, one of them is this guy and no, THANKFULLY, one of them *wasn't* this one), the head of HR, my boss and Jackie. The word excruciating is too mild. Christ on a cracker! Do you think executive-types have any idea how preposterously self-important they sound? Do you think they listen to each other and think "Oh man, I can totally top your self-involved, self-congratulatory boring-ass story!"?

::Tangent::
A couple months ago the VP held a "Come to Jesus" meeting with the staff and reminded them of the economy and how important it is to make the office more efficient and blah, blah, blah. He cut the shit out of the supply order budget and eliminated non-essential things like raises (ok, so technically Corporate put the kibosh on raises, but it makes my rant sound better if it came from him directly, so, deal with it) and employee relations stuff like parties and the summer picnic. Everyone was fairly supportive because no one wants to lose their job because we were buying too many highlighters and scotch tape, so the belt-tightening didn't elicit much complaint or whining from the normally whiny staff. Last night, the VP & his gang of ass-kissers are talking about redecorating the Executive Conference Room. "You know, really making it the centerpiece of the office. When execs and management from other offices come to town, we should be able to represent ourselves with a Grade A conference room that reflects our professionalism." Really, dude? How do you think that's gonna' go over with the $11/hour employees who can't order fucking paperclips? Do you think they're not going to notice that the summer picnic isn't being held in the shiny new Executive Conference Room? Whatever. Shit like this is why everyone hates you, jerkface.
::End Tangent::

Sorry, sorry, sorry - got off track a bit. Anyway, the restaurant we went to for drinks is a swanky little place near our office downtown. It was early when we got there, 4:00ish. By 5:15 or so, the place was full of people. Predominantly men people. Business men. Button down shirts, ties, polished shoes. I'm going to guess mostly between the ages of 26 - 36. They stood in groups of 4 or 5 and all had some sort of product in their hair. In the days of yore, this would be exactly my crowd of mens. I do not like scruffy. I do not like sloppy. I do not like shaggy. I enjoy a man in a pressed shirt & tie, wearing dress slacks with a cuff. I make pretty good money and frankly, I prefer being with a guy who does too and doesn't need me to pay for the whole pizza because he "doesn't get paid until next Thursday and I gotta' get my car out of the shop, so I only have $3.67 in change until then. You don't mind, do ya' babe? I promise I'll pay you back next week and by the way, can you loan me a few bucks for smokes?" No...just, no.

Most days after work, I look busted. BUH-STED. I'm not even gonna' try to deny it. However, because I knew I had to attend this shindig from Hell, instead of tennis shoes & an "I give up and don't care anymore" baggy, non-cleavagy top, I wore a fitted, summery blouse with my jeans & heels. I even put on colored lip gloss, which I rarely wear and added an extra dab of concealer to my woefully dark under eye circles. I looked cute, but not at all whoreish. (YES, I'm getting to the point. Shut-up!) During the pre-dinner drinks, I probably went to the ladies' room 4 times (A. As previously mentioned, my bladder is the size of a walnut and B. Sometimes I just needed to get the fuck away from their incessant blathering for a few minutes). On my way to and from the powder room, I came into contact with approximately 23 men. Not one looked at me. Not ONE. Not a single guy smiled at me or nodded "hello" or even bothered to get the hell out of my way. I had to squeeze past 2 who wouldn't even acknowledge my existence enough to move a half-step to their side to let me pass them.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. Again, please understand, it's not like men were crawling all over me when I was younger, I don't mean to give that impression, but to be practically invisible is a brand-spanking new phenomenon to me. It makes me sad that this is the rest of my life from now on. I have officially become an old broad. The kind that "still looks pretty good for her age" or the one that "was probably smokin' when she was young". And unless I dress like a slutty Cougar or start hanging out where they serve an Early Bird Special, I don't think there's really much I can do about it. Blerg.

Do any of you have a grandpa you want to hook me up with?

What's the Opposite of Exciting? This Blog!

2009-05-24T16:55:00.008-04:00

Oh HIII! You're still coming here and reading? But I haven't posted anything interesting in... ummm, honestly, I don't know if I've ever actually posted anything *interesting*, but I haven't even posted boring crap in forever. I will remedy that now. Please be prepared to be DAZZLED (or bored. Probably bored...)

Here's the lowdown nitty gritty fun facts from my life, in no particular order.

I got to go to a Cleveland Cavaliers playoff game a few weeks ago. It was also the game where LeBron James was awarded the league MVP award, which is a huge deal here in Cleveland. I've never been to a professional basketball game because a) I didn't really like basketball and b) I didn't really like basketball.

Turns out, when LeBron Motherfucking James is on your basketball team, the game is kind of fun to watch! Also, when your dad knows rich people and gets tickets in a loge suite, it's super fun to watch! If you haven't attended a sporting event or concert in a loge suite, I recommend it. It's like a small hotel room without the beds. There's a wet bar, an ice maker, mini fridge stocked with sodas, beer and water, couches, 3 TVs, and really nice, deep seats where you're not sitting on top of other people & you can either watch the action on the court or on the GINORMOUS FLAME-SHOOTING JUMBOTRON right in front of your face. Oooh, plus? They bring you food. It's like having room service. But the BEST part? It has its own bathroom! Since I have the bladder of a small child and pee every 11 minutes (give or take a minute or two), this is like the best thing ever! No waiting in line. No sitting on a wet toilet seat. No walking up & down 50 million stairs to get to the bathroom. It's just right there in the room. Suh-weet. From this experience I have learned a couple of valuable life lessons:

1 - It's much easier to like a sport when your team is winning
2 - I would very much enjoy being super rich one day

I'm going to look into how to do that just as soon as I get done watching the teevee and writing this here breathtaking blog post.

Speaking of blog entries, it's my one-year anniversary of blogging. WHOOPIE!!! Yeah, not really WHOOPIE so much as, wow, time somehow manages to both fly and drag at the same time. I can't believe it's already been a year and yet, I can't believe it's only been a year, ya know? Anyway, the point is, you guys have helped me SO much this past year. Just knowing that you're here and that you care or are really good at pretending you care, has meant a lot to me. Thank you!

Next on today's agenda - Jackie got married last weekend. I was planning to attend the reception with Eric, our Manager of Finance. I asked him to go because he's really funny & we get along well, he knows Jackie and I thought we would have a good time since it wouldn't be a "date". This had been the plan for a month and a half or two months. He sent me a text 20 minutes before I was supposed to leave saying that he was really sorry, but he wasn't going to be able to make it. What the hell is wrong with people? I wouldn't have given a shit if he would have said "no" when I first asked him. I wouldn't have given a shit if he'd canceled the week before. Hell, I probably wouldn't have given a shit if he'd backed out the night before, but don't send me a TEXT 20 minutes before I walk out the door. That's just rude. And pussyish. Luckily, there was a very amusing woman at my table who reminded me of a cross between Tina Fey & Megan Mullally, so I still had a good time even though I didn't know anyone other than Jackie. It's been a week and Eric still hasn't offered an explanation of why he flaked. Dude, are you retarded? Don't piss off HR! That's just common knowledge.

Speaking of the Jackster, she'll be back from her honeymoon this week and then she'll be leaving us. Her last day is Friday and I've been looking over resumes (approximately 300 of them; I'm not even exaggerating) to find a new recruiter. It's exhausting! I'll probably whine about this more next week. YAY for you!!

Alrighty then. I've bored the crap out of myself, so my job here is done. Oh, one last thing - because I've kind of become a bit obsessed with basketball (fine, I'm a bit obsessed with LeBron. Seriously you guys, I want to do dirty things to him) here is the clip I've been watching over and over. Enjoy!

Game, Set, Match.

2009-05-07T19:41:00.004-04:00

The Biggest Douche Competition is over. It was a blowout.

Lainey - 1.5
Jackie - Eleventy Million

Jackie put in her 2 weeks notice today.

She accepted a job with the city. I can't blame her. It's a great job with awesome benefits, but it just breaks my heart into tiny pieces.

Oh, It 's Already Been Broughten!

2009-04-23T21:50:00.006-04:00

I I scheduled an interview for Friday. An interview with a most unsuitable candidate. (Not this unsuitable, because I'm not a monster!) Then I took Friday off. Jackie has to do the interview.

And to up the douche factor? I yelled BOO-YA after I told her.

Lainey - 1 (maybe 1.5)
Jackie - 1

On a related note - jamiepants was attending a fair at a community college and may have the opportunity to snag her very own Go Army FREEDOM Mug. I am tickled pink at the prospect of multiple FREEDOM Mugs circulating throughout the blogonets. Tickled pink!

FREEDOM TASTES LIKE AMERICA!! And a little like gin.

2009-04-22T19:21:00.007-04:00

First of all - I freakin' love all of you nutty nuts!

Second - I stole the title of this entry from Anna von Beaverplatz. Thank you, AvB for being awesome and kind of a drunk.

Third - it is ON, bitches!

Jackie and I are fighting over the FREEDOM MUG now, so we decided we should have some type of competition and the winner would get the cup. Our boss suggested we write an essay on "What Freedom Means To Me" because she is LAME and a nerd and apparently thinks we're 9 and she's our teacher. After Jackie and I both crushed her spirit with our withering looks, we decided that whoever is the biggest douche (without being a truly rotten person) wins the coveted cup.

Jackie made the first move. On her way out, while I was stuck on a conference call, she stopped in my office & sang the "B is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S" song, thereby infecting me with a most heinous earworm. Evil!

Jackie - 1
Lainey - 0

Help me, evil geniuses - I need ideas for pummeling her. I WANT THAT CUP!

Army Had Half-Day Today

2009-04-19T20:21:00.007-04:00

Tidbits from the Job Fair:

Our booth was next to the Army's. There were two guys manning their booth. One was smiley and kind of quiet, the other? Eww. Picture the most obnoxious guy you can think of at the gym, drinking his "Rockstar Monster Energy Drink" or whatever the hell it is, flexing in front of the mirror and yelling "BOO-YAHHH" after every set (or rep. I don't know what it's called. It's not like I hang out in gyms).

So, Jackie and I are sitting at our booth, waiting for the applicants to be let in and Douchey McArmy starts chatting us up. Within 11 seconds I was finished even pretending to listen. Jackie is more patient than I am and definitely better at hiding her annoyance. About 45 minutes in, Douchey walks over and (loudly) says, "Jesus Christ, where'd they find these idiots?" Nice, dude. Then he says to Jackie, "There's a bunch of what we like to call, 'UCI's' here", to which Jackie replied, "UCI's?" and he sneers, "Unqualified Inquiries", obviously pleased with himself. Jackie gave him a perplexed look and said, "Um, why is that called a UCI"? He pulls himself up to his full douchetude and says, "UCI - UN QUALIFIED INQUIRY". Jackie says, "yeah, but, where's the 'c' coming from"? He looks at her like she's the most retarded person he's talked to all day and says, "UN QUALI...oh, um, haa...I I don't know, now that you mention it." DURRRR. Ass.

Later, while there was a lull, he crouched down next to Jackie and presented her with a Go Army coffee mug. Evidently, Jackie didn't show the appropriate amount of gratitude because he then lectured her on the VALUE of a mug from the UNITED STATES ARMY and "when you drink your coffee from that cup, YOU'RE DRINKING FREEDOM, TOO!" Jackie doesn't respond well to raised voices and tends to take it personally. He continued to natter on and eventually wound up the one-sided conversation with, "I'm not even sure why they selected me to do this. It's not like I'm the most personable guy" to which Jackie replies, "At least you know your weaknesses!"

He stopped coming by after that. Haa, I love her!

Crabbypants McGee

2009-04-14T18:33:00.007-04:00

So, I might be taking a break from Pajiba for a bit. It's just not that fun for me anymore. Ever since the April Fool's prank, I'm just not loving it. I'm still a bit bitter and kind of hurt, I guess. I feel like the little community that was created was destroyed. Not just destroyed by the staff, but also by the nameless "me too-ers" who were brave enough to chime in about feeling excluded, but not brave enough to ever post so they could be included. Logic like that confounds me. The timing of it was so crappy, too. We had all just come together to say goodbye to 'Manda and everyone was feeling all Kumbaya and shit and then, *splat*. Anything for a joke, right?

The regular old time crew, socalled, Sarina, Julie, PissBoy, jM, jamiepants and others I'm not remembering right now, appear to have stepped back into the shadows - oh, Shadows of Dakaron, that's who I forgot! - and it's a few new people and a few of us regulars and we're trying so hard to not let anything go off topic or offend anyone lurking that it's not really organic or entertaining to me anymore. Maybe I'm just cranky in general and need a nap.

Regardless, I miss the goofy. I miss the zombies. I miss SKITZ! And while it did irritate me on occasion, (and yes, I participated on occasion as well) I miss the sexual banter. The cheesy flirtations and the downright dirty flirty. I miss the silliness. I miss my friends.

This probably didn't warrant an announcement, but I'm really rather bummed about it, so I figured I'd share. Maybe this is all a bunch of word vomit and I'll change my mind tomorrow. Who knows? I may still read a bit when I'm supposed to be working, because seriously, how much work can they expect me to actually do? But, I don't think I'll be hanging out there as much. If anything super fun pops up, let me know, 'k? I'm still on the Facespace and visiting all of your blogs and I still love you all to pieces, but for now anyway, I'm gonna' find something else to do with my screwing around on the internet time.

And Yet Somehow the World Keeps on Spinning

2009-04-05T20:49:00.005-04:00

I attended a funeral on the Internet today. For a woman I never met. For a woman who touched my life and the lives of hundreds (thousands?) of other people who never met her. She wasn’t a celebrity. She wasn’t famous. She was just a funny, smart, sassmouthed woman who was trying her best to raise her son, love her husband, be a good person and beat a deadly disease. She was an inspiration. I’m sorry that she’s gone and I’m sorry that her son will grow up without her there. I’m grateful that I got to “know” her for a short time.

I tried explaining this to my boss and to one of my friends. Neither got it. It should be said that neither judged me, but they didn’t understand. I probably wouldn’t have either if I didn’t “know” these wonderful, wonderful people. You, wonderful, wonderful people.

I’ve never been to a funeral/memorial service on the Internet before. It was cathartic. It was different and new, yet very familiar and intimate and sad all the same. The only difference was that I could cry openly and not have to put on my brave face. I felt like I was surrounded by friends and people who loved her and wanted to celebrate her life.

I didn’t know Amanda very well and won’t cheapen her memory by trying to pretend that we were friends. We weren’t. We were Facebook friends, for whatever that’s worth and I read her blog, but we didn’t exchange correspondence. However, her life and her passing affected me deeply. I’ve been grieving for her and her family all week. Knowing what lies ahead for her little boy. Knowing what it’s like to grow up without a mother and empathizing with how hard it must have been for her knowing that she had to leave him. She made a huge mark on this world. I hope her husband and son and parents are able to get some comfort from that someday. I hope her son will always know just how cool his mama was.

See ya' later, ‘Manda. You’re so cool. You’re so cool. You’re so cool.

Decisions, Decisions...

2009-03-29T18:43:00.002-04:00

I have nothing going on. Nothing to post about. BUT, I know that you guys are probably just dying to know what’s going on with me. I’m sure you’re furiously emailing each other going, “where’s Lainey? What’s she doing? What’s going on in her life? I NEED TO KNOW! I NEEEEEEEED TO KNOW, DAMMIT!”

Settle down, lovelies, it’s ok. Shhh, *stroking your hair* it’s ok. I’m here now.

I finally got my taste buds back. YAY. But now, because I simply cannot live without conflict and self-created drama, I can’t decide what to eat. This happens almost every day. I have too many choices. I will probably end up eating a handful of peanuts and microwave popcorn because I simply cannot choose between all of the wonderful food in my kitchen. Here are my choices:

Homemade chili and naan
Freakin’ AWESOME pasta salad with chicken
Chicken with mashed potatoes, cauliflower, asparagus and edemame
Chicken with sweet potatoes, cauliflower, and cranberry orange sauce
Turkey sausage & pierogies and applesauce
Spaghetti, garlic bread and salad
Eggs, turkey sausage, toast and half an orange and some blueberries
Leftover pizza
Grilled cheese, sweet potato fries and an apple
Shrimp, wild rice and asparagus
Crab legs, baked potato, cauliflower and edemame
Black bean soup and naan
Hard-boiled egg, string cheese, crackers, hummus, and an orange
Special K Blueberry cereal (which is good, but doesn’t taste like blueberries. Tastes like purple.)

PLUS, I can’t decide what to drink. Should I have Diet Coke with Splenda? Diet Barq’s? Orange juice? Grape juice? Lemonade? Diet Pepsi? Plain water? Protein water? AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGH! I could have had a V8!

My wee brain cannot make a decision. All of these delicious foods are in my refrigerator or pantry right now. It’s not a matter of which would take longer to make or what one is healthier than the other. I simply can’t decide. This happens almost every day. Seriously. It’s really bad. Sometimes, I just go to bed without eating because I literally can’t choose. And then sometimes, I just say, “fuck it” and go to Chipotle.

I have little doubt that you’re thinking, “You’re a dick. If this is your biggest problem in life, you need to shut the hell up. People are starving in other parts of the world.” I know. I realize how unbelievably lucky I am and I’m truly grateful. I don’t mean for this to come off as whining or “oh woe is me, I can’t decide what to shove in my fat little face today. Wahhhhhhhh!” I’m just putting it out there as more of an example of what a freak I am.

Also, I believe careful readers will notice that motherfucking pine nuts are not included in any of the above menu options. Fucking pine nuts.

It Turns Out I'm NOT Dying After All...

2009-03-21T13:41:00.009-04:00

Ok, you guys, seriously, I've been a bit worried the last few days. For about 3 days now (this is the 4th day), I've had this horribly bitter taste in the back of my mouth after I eat or drink something. It's not there all the time, just when I'm eating and after I eat. At first I thought it was the new vitamins I was taking and I blew it off. The next morning though, my coffee tasted terribly bitter and I hadn't taken the vitamins yet. So, I was all, "hmmm, what's up with that?" Later, at work, I ate a container of yogurt. Well, that's not entirely true. I TRIED to eat the yogurt, but it was so freakin' nasty tasting I threw it away after 3 bites. I ate some blueberries instead. You should know, I love blueberries above all foods, with the possible exception of sweet potatoes, (FINE and ice cream. Shut-up, I'm pretending I'm healthy!) and they were disgusting and gross. I couldn't eat them. This made me super frowny because I LOVE them, but also because it's not blueberry season and those fuckers are expensive!

I'm trying to figure out why I have this awful taste in my mouth/throat and I made a comment to one of my hypochondriac co-workers. His reply - "Dude, sounds like you're having some liver problems." WHAT? What the fuckingwhatwhat? You're so not helpful!

And then, of course, now I'm all worried that I'm having some sort of liver problem. I keep looking in the mirror to see if my eyes are turning yellow or if my skin looks jaundiced. I'm not a doctor, but I've watched 'House' a lot, so I think I'm pretty qualified to make a diagnosis. Obviously.

Last night, I'm just going crazy because now ice cream tastes bad, too. HOW CAN THIS BE? Ice cream is a gift from the Godtopus; there's no way in hell it should ever taste bad. Unless you're dying. Now I'm getting concerned. Because first of all, I did A LOT of drugs in the 90's. It's entirely possible that I damaged my liver. But secondly and more importantly, if I'm dying, but ice cream and blueberries are going to taste bad up until my death, then fuck it, bring it on now. I'm not gonna' put up with that kind of asshattery nonsense until my inevitable demise. That's just crazy talk and I'm not a big enough trooper to go through that. I know my limitations.

Of course, I turned to the internet because you pretty much always want to self-diagnose major organ failure via the internet. So, I typed in the search words, "bitter taste in mouth when eating". The first few links to pop up -

Liver failure.
Super.

Brain tumor.
AWE-some.

Kidney disease.
Neato Bandito.

But wait, there was something else.

Bitter taste - pine nuts?

Hmmmm, interesting. I clicky the linky and there are literally hundreds, if not thousands, of people all over the world describing what I'm experiencing and all of them have one thing in common - pine nuts. And guess what I've been eating on everything I can get my fat little hands on? Guess! Wow, you kids are super good at this game - you're right! Pine nuts. I've been eating them in my hummus, on pizza, in my pasta salad, mixed with other nuts, and a handful here and there on their own.

According to the other people who are also not dying of liver failure, a couple of days after eating pine nuts, they have a bitter/metallic taste in the back of their mouths, like a dissolving aspirin taste, which keeps appearing when they eat. Nothing seems to make it much better and sweet things seem to make it much worse. Some of them have reported it to their doctors and the doctors have never heard of it and there's only one published medical article about it. But, Wikipedia has something about it, so that's something, I guess. It doesn't happen to everyone and the only semi-common link is that a lot of the pine nuts are from China, but there's no definitive answer as to why. Why it only affects some people and why it only happens sometimes.

Anyway, evidently for another week or two I'll have this yummy taste, which is kind of similar to what it would taste like if you brushed your teeth and then followed it with a big ol' honkin' glass of cranberry juice. Mmm mmm, good, right?

I just thought you'd all be thrilled to know that I'm not actually dying and some pine nuts are evil.

I'm probably still going to keep trying ice cream. It's for SCIENCE, ok? Geez.

Karma Isn't Always a Bitch

2009-03-15T19:55:00.004-04:00

About 10 years ago, things were not going well for me. I got sick. I left my job. My boyfriend was married, but somehow forgot to mention that tiny detail to me. I was alone and depressed and feeling very sorry for myself. This sounds like a Country & Western song, but I promise it isn’t. I found a new job and things were turning around, but I wasn’t going to get my first paycheck for a while.

A friend loaned me $200. I told her I didn’t know when I could pay her back, but I would as soon as I was able to. She told me not to. She said that someday I would be in a position to help someone else out and I should give the money to him or her. This stuck with me for so long because it was just really, really, kind, but also because she didn’t have an extra $200 to give to me. She was living paycheck to paycheck and had recently been living in her car. I asked her how she could do this and she told me that when she needed it, someone helped her and asked her to do the same when she could.

There’s a non-profit organization that does stuff like this every day. Modest Needs helps people who need urgent assistance to make it until the next paycheck and before they get sucked into the cycle of the vile Cash and Go loan sharks or government assistance/dependence.

I’m posting this for two reasons. The first is that you may be in a position to help. If you’re looking for a charity organization that helps people who need unexpected, but basic things like to replace a dead car battery or glasses because they broke the pair they’ve been wearing for 10 years and don’t have any extra money in their budget to have them fixed. Or to help someone pay for the vet bill because their dog had a tumor which needed to be removed.

The second reason is that you may need help or know someone else who does. It’s a good place to start. Modest Needs won’t just give someone money, but will help with an unforeseen expense and will issue a check directly to the vendor. It won’t take away all their problems or make them rich, but it may help them sleep a bit better without worrying how they’re going to fix the broken water heater or pay that delinquent medical bill.

I urge you to check them out, particularly the “thank you” page.

www.modestneeds.org

Lazy, Lazy, Lazy, Lazy, Lazy, Lazy, Lainey...

2009-03-03T23:55:00.003-05:00

She
wants
a
drink
of
water
so
she
waits
and
waits
and
waits
and
waits
and
waits
for
it
to
rain.

Do you guys remember that Shel Silverstein poem? My name should have been Jane.

I may have outlazied myself tonight. I needed to iron the sleeves and collar of the blouse I plan to wear tomorrow. I tried spraying them with water and smoothing them out, but that didn't seem to help. I looked through the closet for a sweater to wear over it, but that didn't work out so well. So, rather than just get out the ironing board, I attempted to iron the sleeves on the lid of my toilet. It worked okaaay, not great. I don't know that it was worth the hassle and it probably would have been less energy and time expended if I'd have just set up the damn ironing board in the first place. *sigh* Live and learn. Live and learn.

So, this made me curious. What's the laziest thing you've ever done? I'd like to make a contest out of it. There probably won't be a prize or anything, because hello? Lazy. But, I'd really like to a) feel slightly better about myself and b) pick up some useful tips to supplement my laziness.

I'll throw one out that isn't mine. My friend Ann MaRetard once dressed her infant in layers. She reasoned that this way, when the baby urped throughout the day, she could just remove a layer of clothing rather than redressing the kid several times. I thought it was brilliant. Her husband wasn't as impressed.

Ok - GO! Dazzle me!

Next I'll Be Writing About Ben Gay...

2009-03-02T18:49:00.004-05:00

So, today I'm all sore. Sore and bruised.

And NO, it's not 'cause I'm a big ol' slutty hoo-er. I AM a big ol' slutty hoo-er, but I'm sore and bruised because I am a spaz.

Last night, in an effort to be lazier than lazy, I tried to reach something in the back of my refrigerator. Instead of simply removing the items in the front and then getting what I wanted from the back, I tried to finagle and maneuver around the shit in the front and in the process knocked a giant jar of apricot jam off the shelf and onto the top of my foot. And now the top of my tiny foot and the base of my big toe (which, by the way, is a misnomer; my big toe is actually wee) have this lovely dark purple bruise and it really rather hurts. Not bad enough to go have it x-rayed (x-ray'd? x-rayd? x-rayed {no, Microsoft Word, not x-rated, but thanks for the help!}), but enough for me to whine about it like a giant baby.

Oh and I am sore and bruised from being a Trampy Von Trollopstein. Helpful tip for all you ladies out there (and Jeremy). Stubble burn hurts. Whether it's on your face or elsewhere. You know what helps? Preparation H. Swear to God. Makes the burn and swelling go away like instantly. So, if your gentleman caller friend has a bit of stubble and your delicate bits are irritated, you can just fix it in a jiffy. (Helps with your own special valley razor burn, too.) You'll smell like an old lady with hemorrhoids, BUT, you'll feel better.

You're welcome.

Lainey Appreciation Day!

2009-02-28T16:02:00.004-05:00

So, today’s my birthday. I’m 39, which is kind of old, but honestly I’m ok with that. Partially, because I don’t really look old and partially because I don’t really feel old. Oh and partially because a really cute 29-year-old guy is coming over tonight to celebrate with me. And by “celebrate with me”, I mean “have the sexy time with me”. You’re never too old to be a slutty, slutty ho!

This year has been pretty good. I ended a really emotionally (and financially) draining relationship and feel better than I’ve felt in years. Things are busy, but not crazy at work and that’s refreshing and reassuring. Job security is far more important to me than it’s ever been and the idea of being unemployed and having to interview with bitches like me is a something I’d rather not have to deal with. I’ve “met” some AWESOME people this year through Pajiba and Facebook and blogging. I’ve had the privilege of really getting to know some fantastically funny and sweet people. And Sarina. (Kidding, Giggles!) Seriously, y’all are just great and have made me so glad that I decided to do this. And I’m glad I haven’t told any of my real life people about it, so I have the freedom to talk smack about fucking morons at work and my socially retarded family.

Hmm, what else? Not much actually. My life is pretty quiet. Dull even, but honestly I’m ok with that. Partially because I’m old…

PS: My dad got me the hat above. He bought it because it was “festive” and I didn’t have to just wear it on my birthday, I could wear it anytime during the birthday season. That’s what he said.

HAAA, kidding. He didn't. But really, would anyone have been surprised if he had?

PPS: So, turns out, I didn't really have much to say. Dull isn't as interesting as I had hoped...

Letter to Myself

2009-02-15T17:32:00.006-05:00

I saw this on TK's blog a long time ago. I stole the idea and have been sitting on it for awhile because I'm super lazy. BUT, I haven't written anything for over a week and now I feel bad because EIGHT people (thanks new person who added me) read this crap and probably are so sad that they can barely function; just wasting away waiting for me to post something. (I beg you not to ruin that fantasy for me. Thank you.)

The purpose of the blog post was to write a letter to your 13-year-old self. It looks ridiculously long and self-indulgent and it IS, I'm not gonna' lie, but it's a quick read.

Dear Lainey,

Hiiiiiiiieeeeeeee! It’s me…or you… or me, or whatever, anyway, I have some things to tell you that might make life a tiny bit easier for us. Who knows? Maybe (hopefully!) you’ll take the advice or maybe you’ve already hit the age where you think you know everything and anyone over 18 sounds like the teacher from ‘Peanuts’. Anyway, I hope you at least read this with an open mind.

First off: Don’t cut your hair after Brian Black dumps you for that girl Terri. He won’t care and you’ll be stuck with a really bad haircut that makes you look like a boy. PLEASE trust me on this. You have really great 80’s hair and you’re going to regret it, I promise. Secondly: Sorry dear, you’re short. You’re not going to get much taller. It’s best if you accept this now, learn to love high heels and learn to hem. Also, when it comes to heredity – don't go by the women on Dad's side of the family when it comes to breasts. It must come from Mom’s side, ‘cause you’re going to have biguns. Best to accept that early, too. Seriously, embrace it. They’re not going anywhere and your efforts to disguise them and hope no one notices isn’t going to work. When Laura G. tells you that, secretly guys really don’t like big boobs, laugh at her. Flaunt ‘em!

Moving on. When Ronda wants to smoke clove cigarettes? Yeah, just don’t. I know it seems cool and it’s “not really smoking”, but it isn’t cool and it is really smoking. Just don’t, ‘k? Also, Ronda is going to move away in 10th grade. I know this seems like the end of the world, but you’re still going to be friends. Don’t fret about it so much. You’re going to be friends for another 25 years or more. However, when she comes to visit you, don’t let her sit on the windowsill of the car on the way up the mountain to the Depeche Mode concert at Red Rocks! She can thank me for this later. I can’t say much more about your friends because you have pretty good taste when it comes to friends, BUT, don’t let Laura bully you. She’s funny and can be fun to be around, no question about it, but she’s an unhappy, possibly unstable, definitely selfish person who will try to drag you down with her. Don’t get sucked in. In fact, don’t buy in to all of the drama in school. Especially with girls you don’t even know. I know it sounds like something Grandma would say, but it’s very true – “if you can’t say something nice – shut the fuck up!” (Ok, Grandma would never say it like that, but you get what I mean.) Speaking of Grandma, be sweet to her. She loves you more than anyone else in the world ever could and all she wants to do is spend a few minutes talking to you. Just do it. I know she repeats herself and she likes to talk about Jesus a lot… okay, A LOT, but she really is a kind, gentle, funny, generous person who just adores you. Suck it up and call her occasionally.

High school is going to be a roller coaster, but here’s some good info to know; it’s like that for EVERYONE! Yeah, seriously. Brad R.? Has his own problems! That pretty cheerleader (sorry, can’t remember her name)? Yeah, she has problems, too. Don’t think you’re special – you’re not. You are, however, very cute! Instead of chasing after burnouts or football players, you may want to look around at some of the more creative and smart boys who like you. I know you think they’re dorks (and maybe they are, I’m not always right), but they’re going to treat you much better than the guys you’re normally attracted to and they may actually grow up and make something of themselves. In fact, don’t chase boys! I can’t be more emphatic about that. If you like a boy and you’ve let him know and he isn’t reciprocating? MOVE ON! Do not keep hanging around, do not become friends with him in the hopes that he’ll eventually like you as more than a friend, do not mope about it while listening to The Cure, just walk away and find another boy to crush on.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re not fat. You have curves. You’re not built like a 13 year-old boy. The sooner you stop comparing yourself to your friends, the happier you’re going to be. Please believe me when I tell you that later, maybe even in high school, hell, maybe even now, the other girls are going to envy you for your boobs and your ass. Be proud. Oh, but stop tucking your jeans and/or leggings into your socks and wearing pink Reebok hi-tops. It just looks stupid.

Dad is going to make you take a typing class in 10th grade. Instead of arguing with him about it, take a computer class. You won’t need more Theater or English classes, so take it. You’ll probably be the only girl in the class, so use that to your advantage and get as much help from the nerdboys as possible. Also, it’s evidently not that important that you do well in your English/Language Arts classes. In the future, 80% of the population can’t speak English for shit and this will just make you crazy, so you might as well ditch those classes and focus more on lip gloss. It’ll probably be more useful to you.

About Dad? He’s not always right, but he’s not always wrong either. Listen to him sometimes and make an effort not to roll your eyes every time he speaks. (I specifically avoided splitting the infinitive there and do you think anyone will notice? No. This is why I say don’t waste your time excelling in English.) Keep in mind that he’s a 36-year-old, single man (which is NOT old, by the way) raising a teenage daughter the best way he knows how. He’s never done this before either, so give him a break when he doesn’t understand why you’re a crying, boycrazy, drama queen mess sometimes. He’s a guy. Also, it’s going to help you to know that most guys you’ll meet aren’t like Dad. They don’t hold open doors and help you put on your coat. They won’t carry handkerchiefs and keep their nails trimmed. They won’t know how to clean and cook and do laundry properly and iron and know which shoes match what outfit – they just won’t know, so don’t expect all guys to be like that. They’re not. Dad is weird.

I’m sure there’s much more I could tell you, but you’re pretty hardheaded and I doubt you’d listen anyway. I will tell you this though: Don’t smoke. Moisturize! Don’t be afraid of being yourself – sounds unbelievably trite, but it’s so true. You’re a really good kid and it’s not a bad thing to be smart. You’re not going to be liked by everyone and that’s OK!!! Don’t hate how you look (your freckles will mostly fade, by the way). Lose your virginity whenever you want, but do it because you really want to do it, not because you’re too embarrassed to say “no”. Don’t be mean to other girls just because your friends are. Accept that it’s okay to have unexpressed thoughts – seriously, try it. Taco Bell is not Mexican food, so stop saying you love Mexican food – you don’t. Wear your glasses when you read. Don’t give up vodka for 7 years because of one stupid night. Don’t be a jerk to boys who approach you, even if they’re not cool. It takes a lot of guts for them, so don’t be a bitch about it. Try shrimp, you’ll like it. Don’t waste 5 years on David S. Go to college and live in the dorms. Don’t be obnoxious in 8th grade Social Studies class. You and Ronda do not want to feel guilty for years that you contributed to your teacher quitting teaching. Oh and very important – when you’re 27, DO NOT sell your Qualcomm stocks!!!!

Love,
Lainey

Tell Me Good News, Man...

2009-01-31T13:28:00.003-05:00

There was a time not very long ago when my boss and I were both a bit overwhelmed. We were terribly understaffed, we were drowning in mounds of paperwork, we had management staff throwing us overboard every chance they had and we felt like our days would never end. We used to play a game every day. I called it, “Tell Me Good News”. (I’m not gonna’ lie – I stole the line from the movie Speed. Say what you will, it’s one of my favorite crappy movies EVER and I watch it every single time it’s on cable.)

Things have been going better at work for us. Our office is pretty well staffed (fingers crossed that saying that doesn’t jinx us and bring about a mass exodus Monday…), the paperwork has been filed or otherwise “handled”, and management seems to have decided we’re not total idiots or they’re too busy to notice that we’re still idiots sometimes. Since things have calmed down we haven’t played the game and I’ve realized that I rarely stop and think about things I’m grateful for or things that make me happy, or hell, things that make my day slightly less sucky.

So, I want to start playing “Tell Me Good News” again. I want to make sure that I notice at least ONE good thing each day rather than only bitching about the bad things. My hope is that some of you may want to play, too. The rules are very simple. Anyone can play and all you need to do is list one good thing that you did or saw or heard or read about today. You can ABSOLUTELY add more than one, but you need to have at least one. Any questions so far?

I’ll start:

1) I LOVE my Wii Fit! LOVE it. I never thought I’d enjoy exercising and for once, I really, really do.

2) This week, I’ve cooked fish and eaten hummus for the first time and turns out? Really good! I like them both and I’m looking forward to trying more new foods that are better for me than the crap I normally eat.

3) One more – According to Google Reader, SEVEN people read this dribble on a semi-regular basis. 7! That just makes me so happy that at least 7 people pretend to give a rat’s ass about my blatherings. Thanks, guys!

Ok, I’m looking forward to seeing your responses. Don’t leave me hanging!

Hell Yeah to the Chief

2009-01-19T18:23:00.000-05:00

So, one of my job duties is to cover for the receptionist’s breaks and lunches one week each month. I’m not exactly a fan of the receptionist and I find her to be annoying as all hell, BUT, she is pretty good at her job and she hasn’t gone on a massive killing spree, which frankly, I find shocking. If I had to answer those goddamn phones all day, every day, I’d be shooting people. A lot.

Anyway, so this week is my week. Typically, the hour I’m covering consists of a whole bunch of irritating people who call and say,

“Did you just call me?” Nope. No, I did not.

“Well, this number just showed up on my caller ID.”

“Did the caller leave you a message?” I ask as politely as possible.

“No.”

“Then, I’m not sure who called sir/ma’am. We have approximately 350 employees here. It could have been anyone.”

“Well, what did they want?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know who called you. I’m sure they’ll call back if it was important.”

“Well, what kind of company is this?”

“It’s an ambulance transport service.”

“Well, what do you do?”

“Um, transport people by ambulance.” (I thought that was clear, but whatever.)

“Well, why are you calling me?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t call you.”

“Well, who did?”

You get the idea…

There are also a lot of hang ups and “sorry, wrong number”. Occasionally, there’s a recorded message call. Sometimes I’ll listen to them, because I am bored when I’m covering the front desk, but usually I disconnect. One came in today. It started out the same as the regular recorded messages:

“Hello, please stay on the line for an important message. The following is a text message sent to you from 2-1-6-5-5-5-blah, blah, blah…”

I was about to hang up, but I stayed on because Chatty von Chatterstein was walking by and I knew she’d stop to talk to me if I wasn’t sitting with the phone pressed against my ear, looking busy, busy, busy. So, the female computerized voice finishes telling me the number the message is from and then it says, in a totally monotone, tinny, digitized voice,

“Start message. Tomorrow, hell yeah. Obama, BITCHES! End message.”

I laughed so hard I snorted. It was awesome.

OMG Update to the Update!

2009-01-18T19:19:00.006-05:00

I just got back from visiting my dad and my cousin Bethann was there. Beth seems to have skipped the section on “appropriate conversation”. Lainey Fun Fact #3 – I am not in the least bit prudish. In fact, it’s entirely possible that I fall more on the whorish side of the line than the other. I say this not because I’m proud of being a big ol’ slut (I AM, but that’s not what this is about), but to make sure you understand that I’m neither priggish nor easily shocked.

My dad, Beth and I were in the family room watching the game. It’s nearing halftime and Beth says to me, “so, are you dating anyone?” I said “no, not really. I’ve gone out on a couple of dates since Michael and I split up, but nothing big.” Then she said, “Yeah, after my divorce, it was really weird going out with new men. Every time you’d start screwing around, it would get weird. We weren’t raised to be so free with the blowjobs, you know?”

True, we grew up when oral sex was something you did WAAAY after you’d been with someone for a while. It wasn’t an appetizer like it is now, but still, is it necessary to have this discussion right this very minute?

Then, she yells (because as previously mentioned, no one in her family talks at a normal volume) to my father, her 63-year-old uncle and says,

“Uncle Denny? What is up with guys and skull fucking? Does it really feel better or is it a power thing? What’s your opinion?”

OHMYHOLYFUCKINGGOD!!

She did NOT just ask my father, in front of me, what his opinion on *skull fucking* is?!?

She is either an evil genius and messing with me for sport or she is truly one of the most inappropriate people I’ve ever known. I’m leaning more toward the second one only because no one would ever call Beth a genius. Evil, maybe. Genius, umm, no.

When people ask me why I don’t really enjoy spending time with my family, I think I may just drop this little gem on them.

Overdue Update

2009-01-18T13:56:00.005-05:00

A HUGE thank you to everyone who sent good wishes, thoughts and prayers for my dad! I swear, anyone who says you can't have real connections with people on the internet is fucking stupid and OBVIOUSLY doesn't know you guys! Seriously, from the tips of my tiny toes to the depth of my heart, thank you so much for caring!

My dad is doing very well. He's been convalescing at my aunt and uncle's house and how he hasn't killed them and they haven't killed him is a mystery to me. They are nice people and apparently very patient, but I don't enjoy being in their presence. They are extremely loud. Like LOUD. Loud talkers, loud eaters, loud walkers, they're probably loud sleepers. Anyway, they're just loud all the time. They don't so much talk with you, they talk AT you. Incessantly. It doesn't stop. They are not fans of sitting in silence watching TV or reading. Nope. Always has to be some sort of running commentary. My dad lives alone. He's not used to lots of chatter. How he's coping with this, I don't know. I guess he has to.

He's recovering nicely from the heart attack and the surgery, but he's crankier than hell every time I talk to him. I don't generally have extended conversations with my dad anyway, because he tends to get irritated after a short time, so talking to him about his days filled with nothingness is very...umm...challenging. He doesn't give a crap about my day, so I don't talk about it and his days are all filled with the same thing day in and day out, so he doesn't want to talk about it. You can see the conundrum. So, what are we supposed to talk about? You can only discuss the weather and news headlines so much. I don't follow sports, so that rules out another topic. He doesn't watch any of the shows I watch, so scratch that. He's never been on the internet and doesn't understand blogging or Facebook or any of the other time wasters in my life. I don't have kids, so I can't tell him stories about what Little Lainey did today. And my love life is purty much non-existent, so I can't ask him for advice about why men are morons - (we used to discuss that a LOT when I was with Michael. If he gave me nothing else, he gave me shit to talk to my dad about for 4 years. So, hey thanks for that, Michael.)

He'll be home in a week or two and it will become my job to check on him every day. Bring him stuff from the store and take him places. I'm fine with that. That's easy. But, what the hell are we going to talk about?? I'm sure these (non)conversations will lead to more frequent blog posts. Aren't you lucky!?

It's very...sparkly!

2008-12-28T15:52:00.009-05:00

So, I didn't get any Christmas presents from my dad this year, 'cause he was kind of busy. But, perhaps it's better this way. My dad may be really sick and was in danger of dying, but he’s still really crappy at picking out presents for me. Don’t believe me? Here. I’ll *show* you gifts from years past.

The object on the left? That’s a cat purse. Why? Because I have a cat. Duh. It’s beaded and spangly and ummm, unnecessary. The thing with the Jack-O’-Lantern on it is a shirt. He bought it because it was “festive” and I didn’t have to just wear it at Halloween, I could wear it anytime during the fall season. That’s what he said. He also spent $28 plus tax on it. Yep.

The lovely item below is a poinsettia pin. Again, it’s “festive”. It’s also the size of my hand. He said I could pin to my hat. ‘Cause evidently, it’s 1933 in his world. Also, in case you can’t tell, it’s made entirely of sequins. So, it’ll totally match the cat purse and the pumpkin shirt.

Next up? I asked for wine glasses or a toaster oven one year. Here’s what I got!

You probably can’t see it very well, but it’s a lovely gold turtle with a bejeweled enamel shell. It opens, too! You can put 3 paperclips, a thumbtack or a piece of chewed gum in there. Maybe a teeny earring. The shell is the size of a walnut. So, you know, picture that along with his words of, “I thought you could put it on your desk and it would be a colorful paperweight AND neat to hold things in.” I’m not even lying. I wish that I was. I don’t work in an office where wind comes whipping down the hallways, so the need for a paperweight isn’t overly urgent and as for storing things in it, how about my wishes and dreams for a toaster oven or wine glasses? Will it hold them or are they too big to fit in the tiny, sparkly shell?

One year he bought me a fur stole. Real fur. Real bitty feet hanging down. You’re supposed to wear it around your neck before you kill people and eat their faces, I think. WTF? This man has known me my whole life. He was there when he had to remove me from the movie theater, WAILING, while watching “Bambi”. He was there when I had to remove myself from the movie theater, SOBBING, while watching “Benji”. I wasn’t allowed to watch westerns with him when I was a kid because I would cry every time one of the horses got shot. Fake animal distress upset me that much. So, OBVIOUSLY a real dead animal draped around my neck is the perfect choice for a gift.

I honestly can’t figure out if he thinks I’m still a 9-year old girl or if he thinks I’m my 86-year old great aunt. Or a Gypsy...

Fear

2008-12-21T17:17:00.002-05:00

My dad had a massive heart attack Friday night. He had the type they call the Widow Maker. Complete blockage of the left ventricle or something. I don’t know. Despite my near religious viewing of “House”, I’m not actually a doctor. Evidently, people usually die from this type of heart attack (or Miocardial Infarction if you’re feeling fancy) before they can receive medical attention. Luckily, this wasn’t the case with my dad. He probably had a heart attack last week as well. He was out in the cold, walking briskly and felt extreme pain and tension in his chest. He attributed it to the really cold weather, sat down for a few minutes and caught his breath. He blew it off as nothing. But, this one happened while he was sitting on the couch in his 74-degree apartment. He knew this one wasn’t nothing. He’ll be having a quadruple bypass in the morning.

My mom died when I was 6. I don’t usually advertise this, but if someone asks, I’ll tell them. My greatest fear has always been my dad dying, too. I know he’ll die someday. I’m probably more aware of that fact than most people are about their parents, because I grew up knowing that it was always not just a possibility, but an actuality. I almost certainly have an unnatural preoccupation with loved ones dying. When I don’t hear from someone, I automatically assume the worst. The more I love them, the greater that fear becomes. I’ve driven people mad with this. I’m sure it’s about to get worse. So, for all of you out there who are supposed to call me at appointed times, please do it so I won’t assume that you’re dead in a ditch, ok? Thanks.

I don’t have siblings. I didn’t grow up with my family, so I don’t know my cousins and aunts and uncles. My dad is all I have. He’s it. He’s my family. He’s my friend. He’s the one person in my life who has always been there. Always had my back. Always told me when I was being a fuckheaded ‘tard and always brings me Diet Coke with Splenda. He’s my go-to person. He came to California to drive my car and me to Ohio because I asked him to. Who does that? Yes, he gets on my nerves (and I’m fairly certain I get on his just as often). Yes, he’s technologically challenged. Yes, he’s sarcastic and kind of a dick sometimes. BUT, he’s also extremely thoughtful. Extremely funny. Extremely generous and would give anyone in need the shirt off his back. Literally. He’s LITERALLY given someone his coat. Twice. In the middle of winter.

I’m not ready for him to be gone. I’m just not. I’m not equipped to be all alone. I like being alone, but not that alone. The fear is overwhelming at times and the thought of him not being there is more than I can take right now. I just can’t. I can’t conceive of what that type of aloneness must be like. I’m afraid. Down to my toes, deep in my soul, afraid. The dread is heavy. I try to joke and play online and bullshit my way though this, but I am terrified. And sad. And feeling very, very alone.

Wow! Just wow.

2008-12-16T22:16:00.003-05:00

So, this was a cover letter I received with a resume today. Other than removing her name, it's exactly as I received it. Even the italics are the same. I...I just...really? Really, there isn't someone she showed this to before sending it out? Someone who would say, "hmm, you know, maybe that's not what a cover letter is all about"? Or "Hey, I know, why don't you leave out most of this and just give a summary of your qualifications and your education and what your salary requirements are?" Really? Read it and tell me if I'm being a bitch. Seriously.

The wonderful life of [name redacted] all started in August 9, 1982 when I was born a beautiful baby girl. I was trouble from the start. I first got kicked out of school in the 3rd grade. then my grades started dropping but I passed elementary and moved on to middle school where I had a problem keeping my hand to myself and they would always send me to peer mediation to talk out my problems out, well that didn’t work for a while so they through me in detention and when that didn’t work I started to getting suspended, so my mom decided to put me in child guidance to see what was really wrong with me. I mean don’t get me wrong I had my mother, father, and my younger sister in my house hold my parents weren’t on drugs maybe they had a few drinks every now and then but there was nothing to serious and they both had jobs. So, what was the problem? Well, we never got to it they laid my dad off and his insurance got cancelled. So, I passed all my classes and went on to high school where I got kicked out of one school went to another school for all bad kids, went back to public school were I mostly was suspended, passed went to another school and dropped out in the 11th grade because I was pregnant.

Had my baby and a year later started taking classes at the Adult Vocational Services were I got my GED and was also taking a course in Information Processing. I walked across the stage with my GED in 2004.

The Information Processing class that I took prior to coming to Brown Mackie was more of a secretarial work type of study some of the windows work is the same but, in my Information Processing class we had to learn a lot of accounting, and I don’t have to do accounting in this class just medical math.

I heard about Brown Mackie through a friend that goes hear now she is studying how to become a medical assistant. She is about to graduate this summer and she was telling me how great this school was so I had to try it

Now that I am enrolled in Brown Mackie College I never thought that I would be in college the one that always got suspended, the one that never really cared for going to school, has been going to school and doing better since I’ve been going to college.

My major at Brown Mackie College is an Admitting Officer. I selected to become an Admitting Officer is because I like the medical field and I like making sure that everything is in order and patients are in and out of their appointments on time. I like just sitting at a computer doing your work; you get to meet all the people that come in to the office. You have a chance to advance in your work place where you can move ahead and make more money, and get great benefits through your job.

The one thing I plan to do when I receive my degree is to work in a private doctors office or in a hospital in an another city, so I buy me a house, truck and have sum money for my baby to go to college so that she can have a good life as well.

To close my story up I started being bad and causing trouble for everybody I was a bully and didn’t have to many friends but I always had my family they were there with me through thick and thin even if they really didn’t want to be mixed up in the drama at times they were. I was just to young to see that and just thought that everybody owed me something when the truth is I owe them something. My life and everything that it has to offer, because I don’t know how I would have made it trying to take care of a child at the age of 16 if it wasn’t for them.

Still today my grandmother stays on me about school and still makes sure that I cum to school and tells me to stick wit and don’t give up because you have to go through a struggle in order to make it to the top of your dreams. I want to be on top of my dreams.

Incompetence, Thy Name is Dianne

2008-12-07T14:10:00.004-05:00

One of our Directors (not the one I have a crush on) is quite possibly retarded. When I first started at my company, I was her Administrative Assistant. She used to forward all of her documents to me to print because a) she couldn’t figure out how to see the whole thing on the computer screen and b) she couldn’t figure out how to format it to print properly if it wasn’t already set to print on one page. I would come in every morning and have 10 – 15 emails from her saying, “please print”. One time she called me to come fix her printer. I walked in, looked at it from across the room, went over to it and pressed a button. It made a noise. She gasped and said, "how’d you DO that?” I replied, "I turned it on.”

Another time, after I had moved to a different building and a position in HR, she called me to repair her printer. (Btw, we have an IT department. Not sure why she always calls me.) I asked her if it was on. She said, “YES, I’m not STUPID!” So, I walked over to her building, went to her giant office that she doesn’t deserve, and looked at her printer. It was out of paper. Nope, you’re not stupid…

She paged me out of a meeting once because she was trying to send an email to the Regional Vice President, but every time she typed, nothing would show up on the screen. I tried to talk her through it on the phone, but was getting nowhere. I went to her giant office that she doesn’t deserve and highlighted the text in her email. I looked at it for a second and then glanced up – her font was set to pale yellow. *ahem* Nope, not stupid...

Last week, she was babbling about something in my office, which is not giant and I totally deserve, and she asked me if I was still living in my same apartment. I said that I was (it’s an attic apartment in an old brownstone. It’s super cute and I call it my little dollhouse) and that I have a really loud neighbor. She said maybe I should stomp around and be loud back. I said, “yeah, maybe. I’m so quiet, you wouldn’t even know anyone lives there. I act as though I’m living in the attic with Anne Frank”. She replied, “WHO?” I said, “umm, you know? Anne Frank? She and her family lived in an attic, while they were hiding from Nazis?” She looked at me and said, and I swear to God I’m not making this up, “Helen Keller’s friend was on the run from Nazis????”

She makes $122,000 a year. Plus bonus. I fucking hate her.

Melancholy Moment

2008-11-27T22:54:00.004-05:00

This isn't my normal kind of post, not that I really have a regular type of post. Shit, I haven't even updated this thing in 2 months, but it's screaming in my head to come out. I'll probably delete it later, but I thought I'd get it out for now. The holidays suck for me normally, but this year, they seem to suck a tidge more. I'm really hoping this malaise doesn't last until January.

I don’t know why I still love him. He’s a shit person. He never really loved me and he subtly (and sometimes, not so subtly), never let me forget it. He made me feel bad about myself without ever saying a word. He was killing time with me and I knew it. I wanted it to be different, but it wasn’t and it never would be. And yet, I still love him. I still miss him. I still want him back. What the fuck is wrong with me that I would want that? What is wrong with me that I miss someone I never had? 4 years together, but I never really had him.

He didn’t abuse me. He wasn't mean. He didn't yell. He didn’t mistreat me. He just kept me at arms length. He just didn't love me.

I still dream about him. In fact, more now than I did when we were together and more now than I did when he first left. The dreams are usually the same. I can smell him; his shampoo and deodorant and soap, the slight hint of cigarette smoke. Usually, he apologizes to me. Usually, I forgive him. I always touch his hair. Doesn’t matter if it even fits in the dream, I always manage to touch his hair. One time, he wrapped his arms around me and buried his face in the back of my neck, fingers laced with mine and he said he was sorry. He told me he missed me. He said all the things I wanted to hear for so long. I woke up crying and I could still smell him. And feel his breath on my neck. And I missed him. GOD, I missed him.

Most days I’m fine. It’s been 8 months; I should hope I’d mostly be fine by now! But some days, especially this time of year, are harder than others. I miss cooking for us. I miss buying frilly lingerie to entice him. I miss him fixing my car or taking out the trash or just changing a light bulb for me and then teasing me about being so short. I miss him burning CDs for me and I miss buying him his favorite movies and eating 4 different kinds of ice cream, because we couldn't pick just one, while we watched them together. I miss his sarcastic and hilarious texts. I miss feeling his hand on my hip.

There’s so much I don’t miss. SOOO much. But sometimes, like tonight, I just miss his presence.

Aw Nuts!

2008-09-28T00:12:00.004-04:00

So, the new Director of Finance (on whom I *may* have a teeny, tiny, gigantic, little, inappropriate crush) called me Friday. I had my mouth full when I answered the phone (classy, I KNOW). He said, “what’re you doing”, I replied, “eating peanuts”…welllll, that’s sort of what I said. Take out the “t”…yeah, so …

We were both silent for a second and then he said, “ok, call me when you’re done”.

Nicely played, sir!

Every single day I’m amazed that I still have my job…

You're Not the Mom of Me!

Not Everyone Can Be An Astronaut

Conversations with My Father - Pt. 8

End of the Year EXTRAVAGANZA!!*

Conversations with My Father - Pt. 7

Pucker Up!

Oh, Dad...*sigh*

Conversations with My Father - Pt. 6

HR Has Feelings, Too, You Know!

Conversations with My Father - Pt. 5

Things That Are Bothering Me TODAY

*AWKward*!

Out with the Old and in with the New (or OwtOaiwtN for those who prefer acronyms)

Conversations with Susie (Which Are Almost As Stupid As Conversations With My Father)

What a Weird Day

Conversations with My Father - Pt. 4

Feelings Are STUPID.

Cost Effective AND Good for the Environment!

Conversations with My Father Pt. 3

Reason #432 Why I'll Never Be an Executive

I Send Vibrations In Your Direction...

I Am Goophy!

Conversations With My Father Pt. 2

Lost. LOST. LOOOOSSST. L.O.S.T. Lost!

I Am a Thieving Thief

Pine FuckNuttery Part 2

No More No Whining Wednesday?

Quick and Dirty

Extra Whinyless No Whining Wednesday

Zoom, Zoom, Zoom!

I Wasn't SLACKING, I Was BUSY!

Little Things That Make Others Smile

Little Things That Make Me Smile

No Whining Wednesday

The Pilgrims DIED So You Could Eat Sweet Potatoes!

Special Little Snowflakes

Sometimes Laziness DOES Pay!

Best No Whining Wednesday Ever!

Umm, Hey There Wednesday...

Ten Things

Conversations With My Father...

Baby Got Back...

This Space for Rent...

My Heart Is Filled With Glee...

The World's Second Smallest Violin...

If you would like to spoil the day for a grouch, give him a smile.

Mid-Week

No Whining Wednesday

Addictions, Obsessions, Fixations...

I Am Not the Mom of You!

FANfreakinFABULOUS Fall!

No Whining Wednesday Whatchamajiggy

Time to Put on My Big Girl Panties

09/09/09

I Should Have Been a Pre-School Teacher...

Whatcha Watchin'?

Wednesday, You Wily Wascal!

Life: You're Doing it Wrong

NWW, Wheeeee!

NWW

Wooosh! Wednesday Already?

How NOT To Write A Cover Letter - Pt. 2

Money Can't Buy Happiness...

Waaahhhhh....

Wow!!

Lainey Yap

God, Grant Me the Serenity...

If You're Happy & You Know It...

I've Made a Huge Mistake...

Things That Go Bump in the Night

Beirut, Quarters, Flip-Cup, Beer Pong...

A Hodgepodge of Blah

Dad Is Great, He Gives Us Chocolate Cake!

Scrantonicity

Testing, Testing...Is This Thing On?

I Guess It Was Inevitable...

What's the Opposite of Exciting? This Blog!

Game, Set, Match.

Oh, It 's Already Been Broughten!

FREEDOM TASTES LIKE AMERICA!! And a little like gin.

Oh, Dad...sigh

AWKward!