Sunday, August 17, 2008

What Can Brown Do For YOU?

The UPS guy comes to my office at least twice a week (sometimes more if I’m on an kick). He’s my age, nice looking, tan, well-built *amazing* blue eyes. Personality? Yeah, not so much. Kind of dull. Hard to talk to, but when you do get him talking he can be kind of funny. I’ve been mildly flirting with him every time he comes in for at least 2 years, more out of boredom than any real interest. Recently, like the last 8 months or so, he’s started flirting back. He’ll stop and chat for a while if I’m up at the front desk covering for one of our receptionist’s 536 breaks a day. If I’m in my office and the door’s open, he’ll pop his head in to say hi. (My office is right off of the lobby.) Lately, he’s started leaving notes on my computer if he stops by and I’m not there.

Ok, so a couple of weeks ago I was up at the front desk (which, by the way, will probably be the topic of another blog very soon. I’m getting really sick of stopping what I’m doing so the fucking receptionist can disappear for 10 or 15 minutes whenever she feels like it. And I think we already know how I feel about the receptionist. See: Dear Receptionist for clarification. Sorry for the tangent!) and Mr. UPS came in to deliver some packages. We were chitchatting and I asked him what he did over the weekend. He told me he went to his brother’s on Saturday and then he was trying to remember what he did on Friday. Finally he said, “oh yeah, I went on a date”. Smartass that I am, I replied, “wow, must have been a good one if you can’t remember it 2 whole days later!” He said, “it was ok, we went to Kent.” And I asked, "why, is she 20"? (Kent is a college town. It’s where Kent State is and really, unless you live in Kent or have a kid who attends the university, there is no reason why someone in their mid to late 30’s should be hanging out in Kent. Just my opinion…) He laughed and said “no, it’s just more laid back than downtown. It has a more relaxed vibe.” I suggested that if he was looking for a cool, laidback, atmosphere that was slightly more upscale and age appropriate, he might want to check out Tremont in Cleveland. He said I should take him there. I chuckled and said he should take me there. He then asked for my number.

Wait, what??? I was NOT expecting that! Umm, ok.

Fast forward one week – he hadn’t called. Frankly, I’m totally ok with that. Now he’s delivering yet another of my Amazon boxes. He asked me what it was and I opened it and showed him. Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman (really good, so far. I recommend it!) and “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”. He looks at the cover and says, “Never heard of it. Must be a chick movie.”

::blinks:: Wha?? Huh??

A) Who’s never heard of “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” and
B) How in the world is it a ‘chick movie’?

Hmmm. Interesting. I’m starting to get a hinky feeling…

Around 5:15 my cell rings and it’s a number I don’t recognize. Typically, I won’t answer my phone while I’m at work unless it’s my dad or someone returning my call, but since I was getting ready to leave I answered it. It was Mr. UPS. We bantered back and forth for a few minutes while I locked up and walked to my car. As I’m driving toward home he asked me where I was. I said I was just getting to the Interbelt (side note, The Interbelt is a stretch of highway that for some reason, no one uses. It’s also the name of a local gay bar.) He kind of sneers, “You go to the Interbelt”?

Red Flag. Danger, Will Robinson.

I replied, that yes, if I want to go dancing there’s no better place to go. He asked, “really? I thought you liked men”? Hmmm. I’m sensing something I don’t like here. I answered that gay guys are in fact men, contrary to the opinion of some people in Ohio. He kind of stammered and said, “you know what I mean”. Whatever dude. You don’t have to be “down with the gays”, that’s cool, but don’t be a dick about it. I chatted for another couple of minutes and then said I had to go. A couple of days later he sends me a text: “What R U doing”. Dear God.

Lainey Fun Fact #2 – I’m not a fan of texting, but I’ll do it. I can’t fucking stand ‘text speak’ though! Really, does it take that much longer to add a couple of extra letters and some punctuation? Really, you’re ok with looking borderline illiterate to someone you barely know? Really?

Ok, so I wrote back, “Just trying to get out of here and start my weekend.” He replied, “me 2”. I didn’t reply. A few minutes later he sent another text, “Big plans for the weekend?” Hmmm, spelling whole words AND using punctuation? Maybe he’s getting it… I wrote back, “Surprisingly, yes! You?” and then he screwed the pooch: “nt sure. MaB. Wen u tkg me 2 cleveland” Seriously?

I’m done. I’m sure he’s a lovely man and would make a fantastic date for someone. Just not for me. I have visions of him stenciling “Git R Done” on his F150, cranking Toby Keith while gleefully yelling “Faggots” as he drives past the Interbelt (the bar, not the stretch of highway). I fear the only reading he does is the Sports Illustrated he keeps on the back of his toilet and I have little doubt that his favorite show is “According to Jim”. Am I stereotyping and being snooty? Yeah, I totally am. I could be wrong - I don’t think so and I don’t really care. I’m fairly convinced that he’s just not my cuppa tea. However, this does present a bit of an issue. How do I politely untangle myself from this without offending him? I’m going to have to see him occasionally and I don’t want it to be more awkward than necessary. Any suggestions?

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