Tuesday, July 28, 2009


My word, this week has flown. FLOWN, I say! It's time for No Whining Wednesday again already.

I found myself looking forward to it today when I started getting a tidge cranky and picking at the little things. It's been a rough few weeks at work and if I let myself, I can easily wallow in the crapitude and negativity. I'm looking at Wednesdays as a palate cleanser, you know? A good time to stop. Take a deep breath. Reevaluate things. Refocus my energy.

I definitely plan to add to it after work on Wednesday and I really hope to be able to get even MORE positivity (is that a real word?) from your comments, but here's my good stuff for now.

* It's been in the low-to-mid 70's (I have no idea what that is in Celsius. I think I have to do math to figure it out and that's just not gonna' happen) with nice breezes for most of July. It's so wonderful to be able to sleep with the windows open and not sweat to death. PLUS, I'm not a Josie Grossie, from the nasty heat and humidity, by the time I get from the parking lot to my office every day.

* I got "Coraline" in the mail on Monday and I'm so going to watch it after work. This pleases me to no end!

* Speaking of movies, the lovely and talented Anna von Beaverplatz and I had a virtual movie date. We watched "Galaxy Quest" and chatted online during it and it was SO much fun! We're going to do it again soon and I think we've selected the fanfreakingtastically AWESOME "Fear" with Mark Wahlberg (who I secretly love and I don't even care. Suck it.) and Reese Witherspoon. Anyone who wants to join us is more than welcome! OOOH AND? I drank a Pepsi Throwback while we watched. First, I can't remember the last time I drank a non-diet soda and secondly, NO clue the last time I had one with sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup, but it wasn't bad. It's kind of spicy tasting, which I was unprepared for, but not unpleasant at all... Sorry, that was kind of tangenty, wasn't it? I'm SORRY. I've had quite a bit of caffeine and sugar this evening and my thoughts aren't exactly linear!!! I might be a tiny bit excitable. (!!!!)

* And finally - Thirteen is still annoying as hell, BUT she checks her notes before she asks me questions AND she is starting to actually take some initiative and has been *helpful* a few times. Progress!

Ok guys, your turn. What's the good stuff in your lives? Hell, I'll settle for things that are making you less stabby today...

Wednesday, July 22, 2009


You guys fucking rock! Ohmygod, this day has been amazing! Ok, seriously, it was a *rotten* day filled with crisis after crisis and I didn't leave until almost 8:00 pm, but it was AWESOME anyway. Allow me to elucidate (I love that word!)

Actually, I'm not going to get into all the crap that went wrong today, because it's still Wednesday and I would be breaking my own rule...and also because it's probably boring as hell to anyone who isn't me. Instead, I'm going to use what's left of this 24-hour period, before I go back to my usual surly self, and focus on the great stuff that happened today.

First - I had THE best cup of coffee ever. I don't know what I did differently or if I somehow stumbled upon the perfect combination of strong, dark coffee, half & half and stevia, but I'm not even lying, it was so tasty!

Second - A complicated SNAFU happened with our payroll & accounting software that meant 355 people weren't going to get the raise they were expecting on Friday's check. I was cross-referencing some boring shit this morning when I got in and kind of accidentally discovered this. Even though I have NO authority (seriously, I can't even order lunch for a meeting without getting some sort of approval from 4 directors) I got them to stop payroll, reverse direct deposits and re-issue checks. 352 people will have no idea that this happened and will go about their daily lives & open their paychecks on Friday seeing the increase they expected to see. 3 of us will know that I am a Big Damn Hero.

Third - I made my boss laugh so hard she snorted. In a meeting. It was beautiful!

Fourth - I can't access Blogger at work (stupid Websense!), but I get all of your comments via gmail. Holy Godtopus, you guys have no idea how uplifting a steady stream of emails from virtual strangers can be! I thank you all for participating and I could just pinch your cheeks!

Fifth - The AMAZING Anna von Beaverplatz kept the pressure ON today. In a good way. Girlfriend blogged about No Whining Wednesday, tweeted about it all day and trended (is that the proper tense? Trended? Really?) it on Twitter. Please, if you haven't already, go read her blog. She just makes life better, ya know?

And Eyvi didn't exactly have The Best Day Ever, but damn did she try! Also, I laughed at her kid hitting his head (you're not a bad mom, that shit was FUNNY!) & you will, too. Go read.

And finally - Miss Stacey Nosek herself was kind enough to post a link on Pajiba Love to this here fancy blog and people came from all over the world to check it out. I normally don't pay much attention to the StatCounter because I don't really care (don't take that the wrong way; of course I care about each and every one of you, I just don't care enough to pay attention to where you're coming from unless you're searching for some deviant "mommy & my cock" stuff. Which, seriously, wtf is UP with that? I'm going to have to post another update of search results...but I digress), but my goodness, the number of visits went up by like 200! So, if you're new here - hi, welcome, thanks for coming by. If you've been here awhile - hi, good to see you, why do you keep coming back? Seriously, the internet is a vast place full of time-wasters, surely you can find something more entertaining?

Ok, I'm done babbling for now. Again, thank you all SO much for indulging my made up holiday today! It really did change my whole attitude, mindset and mood today and I hope it did the same for you. I'm pretty sure I'll be doing this again next Wednesday, so if you got *anything* positive from it, please come back & do it again.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Lainey Yap

la·gniappe \ˈlan-ˌyap \

American French, from American Spanish la ñapa the lagniappe, from la + ñapa, yapa, from Quechua yapa something added

: a small gift given a customer by a merchant at the time of a purchase ; broadly : something given or obtained gratuitously or by way of good measure; a little something extra :

You guys are my lagniappe.

I started this thing as a distraction. When Michael and I ended our relationship, I didn't know what to do with all of my time. I started spending more time at Pajiba (It's true. Ask the IT guys at work. They can probably tell you exactly how much time I spend at the 'jiba) and eventually dipped my toe in to comment. I had been reading for a while and I trusted that TK, AlabamaPink and socalledonlycousins** wouldn't let anyone rip me up too badly. No one did and slowly, but surely, I got more comfortable posting there.

I started this here fancy blog thing and really didn't expect anyone to read it. I especially never expected anyone to read it with any regularity. It was mostly a place to spew my random babbling. It has become so much more.

I consider you guys my friends. I consider you guys my confidants. I consider you guys my support system.

You're my lagniappe. Thank you.

You're my good thing for No Whining Wednesdays!

I'd also like to highlight a good deed (and there are actually MANY I'd like to draw attention to and I hope to do this every week) from a guy who makes me laugh & also gets me to say, "awwww" from time to time. He doesn't post often enough *cough*, but I figure he's probably pretty busy with training and with running a small zoo out of his home. If you have a moment or two, check out his blog (which, when he updates it *cough* is very entertaining) and read about his bike ride of 700 miles in 7 days! Wait, read that again - SEVEN HUNDRED MILES on a bike! I can't ride 700 miles in a CAR without whining about it! He's riding to raise funds to help folks with hemophilia. 700 miles! On a bike! His blog is called "My Taste in Wine Leans Towards Vodka" and it won't kill you to go read a few words and hopefully donate a few bucks to a very worthy cause.

Ok, so what do you guys have going on? Big plans for No Whining Wednesday? Do you even care that tomorrow is Wednesday? I want to hear about the good things in your lives! Seriously, even if it's relatively minor or seemingly insignificant. If it made you stop for even a few seconds and think, "oh hey, that's a good thing", then my evil plan worked. I'm gonna' be looking forward to Wednesday for the first time since LOST went on hiatus...Oh LOST, I miss you so much...luscious manlocks, dirty, dimpled Sawyer... wait, what? Sorry, distracted by thoughts of shirtless, wet, snarky Sawyer... wait, what?

Where were we? Oh yeah, please share your small victories, happy thoughts, compliments, successes, or a moment of gratitude. Happy Wednesday!

** It was like 4 months before I figured out that Ted Boynton, The Boozehound and socalledonlycousins was the same person. I'm wicked smaht!

Monday, July 20, 2009

God, Grant Me the Serenity...

To not punch my dad in the head!

Yes, yes, I said all kinds of hippy dippy positive shit in my last entry and I totally meant it and plan to do it on Wednesday. This is Monday. I don't have to be positive and happy yet.

Backstory -
My dad believes that everyone you know and have ever met in your life, but especially family, can get you a deal on anything.

So far, the guy he knows who can do my brakes - fucked them up so badly that Honda had to special order a part to fix it.

The furniture that he was going to buy from the store where my cousin works - cousin was authorized to give him a whopping 3% discount. Regular furniture store gave him a 12% discount.

The friend who fixed the AC in his car - the car had to go back 3 times and finally on the third time, the guy admitted that they'd cracked something the 1st time they had it, so it was going to take a few extra days to get that sorted out.

The friend of his who was going to clean my apartment for WAY less than the woman who I usually have do it. She swept the floor, wiped out the sinks and took out the trash. Wow, all that for $45?

The friend he knows who can get me a deal on insurance - charges $22 a month more than my current insurance provider.

The uncle who can get me my glasses for way less money - it took me almost 2 months to get my glasses.

The uncle who could get me a discount on the really good Goodyear tires - I had to take a half of a day off of work to accompany him to the Goodyear store, so I could get my 20% off. I also had a coupon for 20% off. Yeah, I couldn't use the coupon AND the employee discount, so either way, I was getting no more than 20% and I could have saved 4 hours of my vacation time & not had to talk to my annoying uncle.

Is a pattern emerging?

Now, he knows a guy who works for Time Warner who can get me Road Runner, phone, cable, Showtime, HBO, Cinemax & Starz for $80 a month. I pay about $120 now. I told my dad "No, thanks, it's cool." It took me over a year to figure out what the hell was wrong with my cable to begin with (I wasn't able to use the OnDemand channels. I researched it, I fixed it. Yes, I'm a bad-ass.) and now that everything's working hunky dory, I'd rather not fuck with it. Now my dad's all mad at me and acting like a big 'ol jackass because "It must be nice to piss away an extra $40 a month..." and he's going to look bad in front of his friend (Why will he look bad? I don't know.)

So, here's my question - do I just shut the fuck up & let his friend do whatever Time Warner magic he claims he can do (ooh, which by the way, the ex used to work for TW. He was never able to lower my cable bill and I was blowing him. Why *this* guy can, I don't know.) and just cross my fingers that this doesn't end poorly. OR do I stand my ground and just say, "yeah, no, I'm filthy rich & I don't mind spending the extra $40 a month".

What say you?

Sunday, July 19, 2009

If You're Happy & You Know It...

Clap your hands - *clap* *clap*

Hey, kids! 'Sup? I've been away from the intertubes a lot this weekend because I appear to have some sort of stomach MONSTER that wants to destroy me. Every time I thought about posting a status update on the Facebook or Twitter, I really thought about it for a long time. I didn't want to be that girl. The one who only posts negative or whiny info. So, I got an idea while I was trying to come up with positive content.

I'd like to institute "No Whining Wednesdays"!

On Wednesdays, I'm going to try my best to only post positive status updates, blog posts & tweets. I'm going to make it a point to focus on the good things, rather than the bad, and recognize the good things in others.

My theory is that if you don't automatically post any and every complaint that pops into your head, you're forced to be optimistic. Yeah, I realize it sounds jacked up to have to force yourself to be upbeat, but sometimes, you gotta' fake it 'til you make it, you know? It's not like I invented that cliche.

In addition to the positive updates, I'm going to also try to post a blog entry praising or highlighting the good deeds or success stories of others.

I'm sure I sound like a total Pollyanna and I have no idea how long this will last, but I hope you guys will want to play, too! It would tickle my tiny toes to know that a bunch of us (all 7 of you who read the nonsense I spew) are paying equal attention to the great things in our lives.

So, who's in? I swear if you sumbitches leave me hanging... Um, I mean - this is going to be SO MUCH FUN, right?

Sunday, July 12, 2009

I've Made a Huge Mistake...

Hey kids, remember when I said Thirteen was sucking my will to live? Yeah, I wasn't lying. She's seriously making me hate my job. This is so not cool, because as much as I bitch about it, I basically love my job.

It's like working with an OCD Chihuahua. She's nervous, yappy, repetitive and annoying as hell and I need to like her, but I can't figure out how. My boss called me into her office the other day. She said, "Do you have any idea how funny it is for me to listen to you talk to her all day long and by about 3:00, you're just done. You've had it with being polite. You've had it with being helpful. You're just done."

I was a bit concerned and I honestly felt bad! I said, "Do you think she can tell?"

My boss, who is SO going to Hell, said,"Oh nooooooo, that's the HILARIOUS part! She has no idea how close you are to ripping her face off! I'm pretty sure she thinks you guys are buds!"


I have to go to a job fair with her all day on Wednesday. Now, if you remember from my earlier post, job fairs are painful, exhausting and an exercise in patience & acting. With Jackie, we could help each other out and keep the mood light, so the day didn't seem quite so heinous. Yeah, I don't really see this happening with Thirteen.

Here are some reasons that she makes me want to punch her in the head:

* She asks the same question OVER AND OVER and never refers to her notes. When I remind her that we've gone over this and it's probably in her notes, the first thing she says is, "I don't think so." After I make her look at her notes, she says, "Oh yeah, that's right." So, wouldn't logic dictate that she should look at her notes first and then ask me?

* She shakes. She's told me that she's on several different medications for anxiety, OCD and who knows what else. That's fine. People have nervous issues, I'm cool with that. I take anti-anxiety medication when I fly. (And sometimes just for fun!) But, then with all of those different drugs in you, why are you still a quivering mass of vibrating nerves? You make ME nervous. Stop it. Plus, she twirls her hair when she's nervous, so that pretty much means *constantly*. She twirls and twirls and then her eyes glaze over when you're having a conversation and I think this explains why she doesn't retain any information. She's drugged out & zoning. Hey, if I have to be sober at work, so should she!

* She set up a webcam to watch her cat. I don't think this needs further comment.

* She's OBSESSED with all things Twilight, Edward Cullen and Robert Pattinson. First she said she didn't like RPatz, but turns out that was kind of a lie. She LOOOOOOOVES him and sends me text messages to tell me that according to the Facebook quiz she took, Robert "I need a bath" Pattinson is her celebrity dream boyfriend.

* She can't seem to read body language or facial cues. She does ok with applicants, I guess, but she can't seem to tell when I'm getting annoyed or impatient. This is bad, because I'm pretty obvious about it. If she can't read me, then it concerns me that she'll not be able to read our boss's or other upper management's tone and body language & will annoy them, which let's face it, this will come back to bite me because they'll just refuse to deal with her and will come to me instead.

* The other day, we were talking about how an employee was not going to be eligible for a referral bonus because the applicant didn't list the referring employee's name anywhere on their application or new hire paperwork. Thirteen said, "Will the employee think we 'Jewed' them out of their bonus?" Wait, WHAT??? Did you just actually fucking SAY that? I didn't even respond at the time, because I was so taken aback by the comment. Is that something the kids say nowadays? I'll have to talk to her about it sometime (soon!), but I keep waiting to hear what other completely inappropriate bon mots she's going to drop.

* I'm pretty sure she's bulimic. The girl weighs all of 100 pounds, and I see the crap she eats! She's not a nibbler. She either works out for 3 hours a day or she pukes. Also, because she's so freakin' skinny, she's cold all the time. It's JULY and she wears a sweater or coat every day. It's JULY!

* She doesn't seem to grasp the subtleties of sarcasm. She thinks I'm serious when I say something that is obviously sarcastic or facetious. When she tries to be sarcastic, it comes off as caustic & mean sounding. She tries to emulate my conversational style with the management staff, but they know me. They're used to me & I know who I can be sarcastic with and, more importantly, who I can't. She doesn't & they don't know if she's kidding or not & several have already decided she's a snotty halfwit. I've tried explaining to her that she needs to know her audience and she just glazes over and says, "Oh, right, I know. She knew I was playing." Um, nuh-uh!

Ok, I'm finished. Sorry, I just had to get that out, because, you guys, I need help! I need to like her. I need to be able to work with her & I need to be able to mentor her and I don't know what to do. I'm not saying I need to be friends with her, but I have to be able to spend 8 - 10 hours a day with her and NOT dream of ways to catch her hair in the shredder. Talking to my boss about fixing it is not an option. She's tasked me with this. Ideas? Suggestions? I'll take anything you're offering except ways to kill her or get her fired. I have enough of those...

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Things That Go Bump in the Night

I'm pretty sure I have a ghost.  Or maybe I just had a weird day.  You tell me.
Last night around 9:00 I heard a loud, but muffled, *POP* coming from my kitchen.  It sounded kind of like a gunshot.  The cat started freaking out (like she does) and running back and forth between the kitchen and the bedroom, back and forth, back and forth, "What is it, girl?  Timmy fell down a well?"  So, I investigated.  I didn't see anything amiss and was about to go back to the bedroom, but decided to open the refrigerator (like I do) and there was slushy Diet Pepsi covering everything in the fridge.  WTF?  I have several cans of soda in the refrigerator, as well as bottles of water, milk, juice, etc.  I even have a little bowl of water with asparagus standing upright in it (Little tip from Martha Stewart.  It totally keeps the asparagus fresh longer).  NOTHING else is frozen.  Nothing.  Somehow, this single can of soda managed to freeze in my refrigerator and EXFUCKINGSPLODE all over the damn place. 
"How is that evidence of a ghost, Lainey?"
I'm GETTING to that!  Patience....
While I'm cleaning up the mess in the fridge, my neighbor starts ringing my doorbell.  I yelled at her to come in and she said,
 "So, I was just sitting outside having a smoke and your interior car light turned on.  It's on.  You might want to check that."
Perplexed, I followed up, "Huh?"
She said she was sitting on the back porch, she looked over toward my car and the interior light was suddenly on.  She admitted that it was possible that it had been on the entire time, but she didn't think so.  (She's kind of a lush, so it's possible that the second scenario is the likely one...)
I thanked her and went out to the car and fiddled with the light.  I didn't actually do anything other than turn it off and on.  After a minute or two, I got bored and went back inside and the light (as far as I KNOW) didn't turn back on by itself.
Ok, so then, I keep a pretty little blanket at the foot of my bed.  It's decorative.  I've never used it as a blanket.  Fatty McFatass likes to lay on it, but I don't use it.  I woke up this morning with it DRAPED OVER ME!!  *insert spooky music*
I suppose it's possible that sometime during the night, in the midst of a dream, I pulled it up and covered myself with it, but that's not nearly as entertaining as the ghost theory. 
I'm going to have a "Getting To Know You" conversation with the ghost tonight.  I think it's a chick.  I don't know why exactly, I just think it seems more like a girl thing to cover me with a blanket and also, it kind of creeps me out to think it's a dude ghost.  Like, I don't care if a lady ghost sees me spending quality time with myself, but a guy ghost might get all aroused and want to participate.  AND, in the event that I ever have a live man in my apartment again (shut-up, it could happen!), I'm afraid a boy ghost would get jealous and get into a spectral pissing match with my corporeal gentleman caller and that is some hassle I don't need.
Do any of you have ghosts?  Are you friends with them or do you ignore each other?  How do you co-habitate?  I may need tips.  Story Time!!


Sunday, July 5, 2009

Beirut, Quarters, Flip-Cup, Beer Pong...

What are 'drinking games I've never played', Alex?

Remember the drinking game, "I Never" (although some of my friends call it "Never Have I Ever" which seems ridiculously redundant to me)? I thought it might be fun to play it with or without the alcohol. Please feel free to contribute your own "Nevers" and hey, do some shots if you're feeling it. I don't drink, so I'll not be partaking, but you should feel free. In fact, while we're talking about it, now's as good a time as any to bring this up because it seems to get questioned on Facebook at least once a week. I don't drink, but I'm not against drinking. I used to drink, but never really excessively. Wellll, a couple of times pretty excessively. I didn't *quit* drinking so much as I just stopped without realizing it. I think I stopped right around when I quit smoking. I wasn't a big drinker before that, because I don't get buzzed. I go from stone-cold sober to WASTED with no warning. Sometimes it's from one vodka martini and sometimes it's after 4. Sometimes one glass of wine would be my undoing and sometimes I could drink most of a bottle. Whether I had eaten beforehand seemed to have no bearing on the situation. It was always a crapshoot as to whether I'd have a drink and be fine or have a drink and be hammered. Also, I got horrible hangovers that took all day to get over. So, essentially, I just stopped drinking because it wasn't worth the hassle and I think you've all learned by now that I am LAZY as sin and will do anything to avoid effort or hassles.

Ok, with that out of the way, back to the game. So, here are a couple of my "Nevers" and I really hope you guys will play, too.

* I've never eaten Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.
My dad thought it was disgusting & wouldn't allow it in the house when I was growing up. The smell makes me gag and I used to lock myself in my room when my roommates made it.

* I've never shared a bedroom.
I don't have siblings, so I never had to. And I've never lived with a boyfriend & I haven't been married, so again, never had to.

* I've never watched "The Wire"
And I kind of have no desire to even though the Pajiba Overlords RAVE about it. In fact, because I'm an obstinate twit, the more everyone goes on about it, the more I don't want to watch it.

* I've never spent the whole weekend in bed making love.
I've spent the entire weekend fucking (you're not wrong in thinking that I am klass-ay), but not the lazy, affectionate, lovey-dovey, can't-get-enough-of-staring-at-each-other, lovemaking that I read about & see in TV & movies.

* I've never owned a brand new car.
I could afford to buy one, I just won't. It seems like a waste of money and also, I'm fairly certain that buying a NEW car would ensure that I would be in my first car accident. Which brings me to:

* I've never been in a car accident.
2 minor fender benders - once I rear-ended someone and caused no damage to either car and once I was rear-ended by someone on the highway when traffic was stopped. Minor damage to my car & dented fender on theirs.

Now I want to read yours! They can be serious or funny. As many as you want. Just share!