Ok, so you guys know how I maybe have a wee addiction to lip balm, right? It might be out of control now. I've designed the entire theme of Employee Appreciation Week around my addiction.
A couple of months ago, my boss, Thirteen, and I went to an HR conference. There were a bunch of different vendors with booths & swag, and one of them, the Cleveland Zoo, was passing out lip balms with their logo. Ok, well A) The ZOO!!! and B) Lip Balm!!! Hello, happy Lainey! Turns out that this is like the best lip balm ever (Yes, I say that about EVERY new lip balm, but this time I mean it. It's like I tell every guy that he's THE BEST, I'm sure I've actually meant it once or twice...) and the label lists some company in Cleveland that makes it.
I looked it up and they will make lip balms for your company, with your logo, for some ridiculously cheap fee of like $.50/tube. The catch is that you have to buy 100+. Here's the thing, I actually THOUGHT about buying them myself, putting MY logo on them (Bobainey Balm - Pamper your pucker, sucker! Cute, right? I KNOW!), and then sending them to you kids with your Christmas cards, but then the reality set in of having 100 lip balms sitting in my house and me having to actually address and mail 80+ Christmas cards, which would STILL leave me with 20 lip balms, and yeah, that idea fizzled out.
I did some thinking and then some more and then I took a nap. Then it dawned on me! If we make Employee Appreciation Week be about relaxation and pampering, I could totally order these for our employees, get the company to pay for it, AND have my own personal stockpile of fantastic lip balm! I AM AN EMMEREFFING GENIUS!
Wait, it gets BETTER! So, because Thirteen enjoys projects, I assigned this to her. She got in touch with them to get pricing information and other pertinent info and they sent us a DOZEN lip balms to choose from before we order ours for the employees. I now have SEVEN lip balms sitting on my desk. SEVEN. So great. (I let her keep 3 and give 2 to the admin assistant because I'm benevolent and a good sharer and shit.)
Oh, so anyway, Employee Appreciation Week is still going to be all about pampering and relaxation and feature the lip balms, but I don't even care anymore, I got what I wanted. We're also having cookies and tea. Because I LIKE COOKIES.
The end.
Showing posts with label Genius. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Genius. Show all posts
Monday, September 20, 2010
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Pine FuckNuttery Part 2
Dammit. Remember this? So, I decided to try pine nuts again, thinking that maybe my reaction last time was because of a bad batch or specific to a particular type of pine nut. This time I bought the teeny, tiny, wee pine nuts, as opposed to the big, torpedo-shaped ones like last time. I thought they would be good with brussel sprouts. I THOUGHT they'd be a nummy treat after not having had them for a year. Why did I think this? Because I am teh dumb.
Yuck. Food is gross again. And you wanna' know the REALLY sucky part? I just bought the tastiest, sweetest, most flavorful blueberries (Chilean, natch) I've ever eaten and now they taste like battery acid. (Ok, well, I'm guessing on that. I've never actually had battery acid, so who knows, maybe it tastes delightful?) Just like before, sweets and bread taste the blechiest, so maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I'll lose a few ounces.
Luckily, this time I only ate a few, because I wanted to see if I'd tolerate them. I'm hoping maybe that means I won't have this nasty bitter taste for as long as last time.
Oh and not related to anything above - I taught Willow to come when I call her by using a hand command. How cool is that? She still ignores me about 50% of the time, because she IS a cat and they are hateful, little things, but the rest of the time, she actually responds. She also sits for treats. If I can just get her to stop whining at me from across the room, she'll be my favorite cat EVER. (Shhh, don't tell her, but she already is my favorite cat ever. Shhhhh, she'll get all cocky and shit if she knows this.)
So, I haven't talked to you kids for a while. What's going on with you? Any news? OH and don't freak out or anything, but I'm probably going to post another entry tomorrow - TWO days in a row! Can you even stand the excitement?
Yuck. Food is gross again. And you wanna' know the REALLY sucky part? I just bought the tastiest, sweetest, most flavorful blueberries (Chilean, natch) I've ever eaten and now they taste like battery acid. (Ok, well, I'm guessing on that. I've never actually had battery acid, so who knows, maybe it tastes delightful?) Just like before, sweets and bread taste the blechiest, so maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I'll lose a few ounces.
Luckily, this time I only ate a few, because I wanted to see if I'd tolerate them. I'm hoping maybe that means I won't have this nasty bitter taste for as long as last time.
Oh and not related to anything above - I taught Willow to come when I call her by using a hand command. How cool is that? She still ignores me about 50% of the time, because she IS a cat and they are hateful, little things, but the rest of the time, she actually responds. She also sits for treats. If I can just get her to stop whining at me from across the room, she'll be my favorite cat EVER. (Shhh, don't tell her, but she already is my favorite cat ever. Shhhhh, she'll get all cocky and shit if she knows this.)
So, I haven't talked to you kids for a while. What's going on with you? Any news? OH and don't freak out or anything, but I'm probably going to post another entry tomorrow - TWO days in a row! Can you even stand the excitement?
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Incompetence, Thy Name is Dianne
One of our Directors (not the one I have a crush on) is quite possibly retarded. When I first started at my company, I was her Administrative Assistant. She used to forward all of her documents to me to print because a) she couldn’t figure out how to see the whole thing on the computer screen and b) she couldn’t figure out how to format it to print properly if it wasn’t already set to print on one page. I would come in every morning and have 10 – 15 emails from her saying, “please print”. One time she called me to come fix her printer. I walked in, looked at it from across the room, went over to it and pressed a button. It made a noise. She gasped and said, "how’d you DO that?” I replied, "I turned it on.”
Another time, after I had moved to a different building and a position in HR, she called me to repair her printer. (Btw, we have an IT department. Not sure why she always calls me.) I asked her if it was on. She said, “YES, I’m not STUPID!” So, I walked over to her building, went to her giant office that she doesn’t deserve, and looked at her printer. It was out of paper. Nope, you’re not stupid…
She paged me out of a meeting once because she was trying to send an email to the Regional Vice President, but every time she typed, nothing would show up on the screen. I tried to talk her through it on the phone, but was getting nowhere. I went to her giant office that she doesn’t deserve and highlighted the text in her email. I looked at it for a second and then glanced up – her font was set to pale yellow. *ahem* Nope, not stupid...
Last week, she was babbling about something in my office, which is not giant and I totally deserve, and she asked me if I was still living in my same apartment. I said that I was (it’s an attic apartment in an old brownstone. It’s super cute and I call it my little dollhouse) and that I have a really loud neighbor. She said maybe I should stomp around and be loud back. I said, “yeah, maybe. I’m so quiet, you wouldn’t even know anyone lives there. I act as though I’m living in the attic with Anne Frank”. She replied, “WHO?” I said, “umm, you know? Anne Frank? She and her family lived in an attic, while they were hiding from Nazis?” She looked at me and said, and I swear to God I’m not making this up, “Helen Keller’s friend was on the run from Nazis????”
She makes $122,000 a year. Plus bonus. I fucking hate her.
Another time, after I had moved to a different building and a position in HR, she called me to repair her printer. (Btw, we have an IT department. Not sure why she always calls me.) I asked her if it was on. She said, “YES, I’m not STUPID!” So, I walked over to her building, went to her giant office that she doesn’t deserve, and looked at her printer. It was out of paper. Nope, you’re not stupid…
She paged me out of a meeting once because she was trying to send an email to the Regional Vice President, but every time she typed, nothing would show up on the screen. I tried to talk her through it on the phone, but was getting nowhere. I went to her giant office that she doesn’t deserve and highlighted the text in her email. I looked at it for a second and then glanced up – her font was set to pale yellow. *ahem* Nope, not stupid...
Last week, she was babbling about something in my office, which is not giant and I totally deserve, and she asked me if I was still living in my same apartment. I said that I was (it’s an attic apartment in an old brownstone. It’s super cute and I call it my little dollhouse) and that I have a really loud neighbor. She said maybe I should stomp around and be loud back. I said, “yeah, maybe. I’m so quiet, you wouldn’t even know anyone lives there. I act as though I’m living in the attic with Anne Frank”. She replied, “WHO?” I said, “umm, you know? Anne Frank? She and her family lived in an attic, while they were hiding from Nazis?” She looked at me and said, and I swear to God I’m not making this up, “Helen Keller’s friend was on the run from Nazis????”
She makes $122,000 a year. Plus bonus. I fucking hate her.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
So, it's entirely possible that I'm a genius...
Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I'll admit that I am not a member of MENSA, nor am I a Rhodes Scholar and frankly, I don't even know my IQ score, but I'm pretty sure it's around 700...I'm just sayin'...anyway, turns out, I'm a freakin' genius!
My biggest fear always used to be that I was retarded but no one ever told me. Now, I believe that it's the opposite - I'm a genius and no one ever bothered to inform me of this fact. You may be asking why it is that I'm so sure of my phenomenal intelligence (and by the way, don't feel bad - I like you all despite the fact that some of you probably shouldn't leave your homes without wearing a helmet; you know who you are.) and the reason is: I set up my own wireless internet connection BY MYSELF!!! That's right - no help from a guy, no Roadrunner or Linksys helpdesks, I did it myself (even with my father asking a non-stop stream of questions, that I swear I'm not making up, like why my "www can't just plug into the phone, is it because the phone is cordless? If it's wireless, why are all of those wires plugged in to the blue and black boxes with the lights on them? If I change the channel on the tv, will that affect my web? If I had a cigarette adapter, could I plug it into my car and drive around while internetting"? Seriously...maybe that's why I fear that I'm actually challenged??)
Ok, ok, so I may be broadcasting all of my personal information to anyone in a 4 block radius, I don't really know. And the internet connection may go away the moment I shut down my computer. That's not the point! I'll figure out the security aspects later. For now, it's all about THIS success. The success of using my GINORmous brain to do something I didn't think I could do. In the words of another genius, I "misunderestimated" myself and I'm not gonna' lie, it feels pretty good to be wrong this time!
My biggest fear always used to be that I was retarded but no one ever told me. Now, I believe that it's the opposite - I'm a genius and no one ever bothered to inform me of this fact. You may be asking why it is that I'm so sure of my phenomenal intelligence (and by the way, don't feel bad - I like you all despite the fact that some of you probably shouldn't leave your homes without wearing a helmet; you know who you are.) and the reason is: I set up my own wireless internet connection BY MYSELF!!! That's right - no help from a guy, no Roadrunner or Linksys helpdesks, I did it myself (even with my father asking a non-stop stream of questions, that I swear I'm not making up, like why my "www can't just plug into the phone, is it because the phone is cordless? If it's wireless, why are all of those wires plugged in to the blue and black boxes with the lights on them? If I change the channel on the tv, will that affect my web? If I had a cigarette adapter, could I plug it into my car and drive around while internetting"? Seriously...maybe that's why I fear that I'm actually challenged??)
Ok, ok, so I may be broadcasting all of my personal information to anyone in a 4 block radius, I don't really know. And the internet connection may go away the moment I shut down my computer. That's not the point! I'll figure out the security aspects later. For now, it's all about THIS success. The success of using my GINORmous brain to do something I didn't think I could do. In the words of another genius, I "misunderestimated" myself and I'm not gonna' lie, it feels pretty good to be wrong this time!
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