Saturday, March 21, 2009

It Turns Out I'm NOT Dying After All...

Ok, you guys, seriously, I've been a bit worried the last few days. For about 3 days now (this is the 4th day), I've had this horribly bitter taste in the back of my mouth after I eat or drink something. It's not there all the time, just when I'm eating and after I eat. At first I thought it was the new vitamins I was taking and I blew it off. The next morning though, my coffee tasted terribly bitter and I hadn't taken the vitamins yet. So, I was all, "hmmm, what's up with that?" Later, at work, I ate a container of yogurt. Well, that's not entirely true. I TRIED to eat the yogurt, but it was so freakin' nasty tasting I threw it away after 3 bites. I ate some blueberries instead. You should know, I love blueberries above all foods, with the possible exception of sweet potatoes, (FINE and ice cream. Shut-up, I'm pretending I'm healthy!) and they were disgusting and gross. I couldn't eat them. This made me super frowny because I LOVE them, but also because it's not blueberry season and those fuckers are expensive!

I'm trying to figure out why I have this awful taste in my mouth/throat and I made a comment to one of my hypochondriac co-workers. His reply - "Dude, sounds like you're having some liver problems." WHAT? What the fuckingwhatwhat? You're so not helpful!

And then, of course, now I'm all worried that I'm having some sort of liver problem. I keep looking in the mirror to see if my eyes are turning yellow or if my skin looks jaundiced. I'm not a doctor, but I've watched 'House' a lot, so I think I'm pretty qualified to make a diagnosis. Obviously.

Last night, I'm just going crazy because now ice cream tastes bad, too. HOW CAN THIS BE? Ice cream is a gift from the Godtopus; there's no way in hell it should ever taste bad. Unless you're dying. Now I'm getting concerned. Because first of all, I did A LOT of drugs in the 90's. It's entirely possible that I damaged my liver. But secondly and more importantly, if I'm dying, but ice cream and blueberries are going to taste bad up until my death, then fuck it, bring it on now. I'm not gonna' put up with that kind of asshattery nonsense until my inevitable demise. That's just crazy talk and I'm not a big enough trooper to go through that. I know my limitations.

Of course, I turned to the internet because you pretty much always want to self-diagnose major organ failure via the internet. So, I typed in the search words, "bitter taste in mouth when eating". The first few links to pop up -

Liver failure.

Brain tumor.

Kidney disease.
Neato Bandito.

But wait, there was something else.

Bitter taste - pine nuts?

Hmmmm, interesting. I clicky the linky and there are literally hundreds, if not thousands, of people all over the world describing what I'm experiencing and all of them have one thing in common - pine nuts. And guess what I've been eating on everything I can get my fat little hands on? Guess! Wow, you kids are super good at this game - you're right! Pine nuts. I've been eating them in my hummus, on pizza, in my pasta salad, mixed with other nuts, and a handful here and there on their own.

According to the other people who are also not dying of liver failure, a couple of days after eating pine nuts, they have a bitter/metallic taste in the back of their mouths, like a dissolving aspirin taste, which keeps appearing when they eat. Nothing seems to make it much better and sweet things seem to make it much worse. Some of them have reported it to their doctors and the doctors have never heard of it and there's only one published medical article about it. But, Wikipedia has something about it, so that's something, I guess. It doesn't happen to everyone and the only semi-common link is that a lot of the pine nuts are from China, but there's no definitive answer as to why. Why it only affects some people and why it only happens sometimes.

Anyway, evidently for another week or two I'll have this yummy taste, which is kind of similar to what it would taste like if you brushed your teeth and then followed it with a big ol' honkin' glass of cranberry juice. Mmm mmm, good, right?

I just thought you'd all be thrilled to know that I'm not actually dying and some pine nuts are evil.

I'm probably still going to keep trying ice cream. It's for SCIENCE, ok? Geez.


Jeremy Feist said...

Ewwww, I fucking HATE the taste of post-tooth brushing juice. Especially Orange Juice. That's pretty much the worst thing you can do to your tongue. Bleck. Anyways, glad to hear it was just Pine Nuts and not anything serious!

Girl With Curious Hair said...

I love your diagnostic process:

1. Hypochondriac co-workers 2. 'House' (totally scientific) 3. the Internet at large 4. Wikipedia

I'm glad it's just a case of the pine nuts. Carry on with the ice cream--topped with blueberries?--because they make everything better.

Sarah said...

Jesus, dude, I done TOLD YOU that you gotta lay off that damn hummus. You see what happens when you don't listen to me? A near miss with death, that's what!

I think I gotta get new business cards printed up. I'll have to move my header title up a smidge, so that underneath "The Amazing Psychic Sarah" it will say, "Listening to me can save your life. It's true." I'm like a goddamn superhero or some shit. You know, I'm pretty sure I should get a fairly substantial tax break for that.

I gotta go. I gotta call the IRS.

Lainey said...

Yeah, Jeremy Darling, it's hideous. It's honestly like letting an aspirin melt on your tongue every time you eat. I'll probably lose some weight this weekend because I really don't want to eat or drink anything other than Diet Pepsi. For some reason, it seems to taste better than normal. It's the ONLY thing that does.

GWCH - It just makes sense really. First you have to narrow it down (hypochondriacs know ALL of the obscure illnesses), then you have to freak yourself out (House and the Internet) and then you *confirm* with Wikipedia because everything on there is always true. It's true. I read that on Wikipedia, too!

Sarah - it wasn't the damn hummus! It was the pine nuts I *added* to the hummus. And pasta. And pizza and everything else. Don't quit your day job just yet, Psycho Sarah. Er, um, I mean Psychic Sarah. But you knew I was going to type that, right?

jamiepants said...

Everytime you say pine nuts, I see Heather Chandler keeling over, clutching her throat, and saying "Corn nuts!"

Lainey said...

Ha, jamiepants, get outta' my head! For the last few days, when I say "pine nuts" aloud, I say it like Heather Chandler! I amuse myself sooooo much.

Sarah Booz said...

I KNEW there was something wrong with pine nuts. I hate pine nuts in their pure form. The thought of them makes me gag. Ground up in pesto? Am fine. Biting in to one that is hiding in my pasta? HORF. guuuuuh. hate.

Lainey said...

Sarah B., I'm sad because I LOOOOVE the pine nuts and am taking this rather personally. Fuckers. But, I feel you on the hidden items in pasta. Mushrooms? HORF!