Monday, March 2, 2009

Next I'll Be Writing About Ben Gay...

So, today I'm all sore. Sore and bruised.

And NO, it's not 'cause I'm a big ol' slutty hoo-er. I AM a big ol' slutty hoo-er, but I'm sore and bruised because I am a spaz.

Last night, in an effort to be lazier than lazy, I tried to reach something in the back of my refrigerator. Instead of simply removing the items in the front and then getting what I wanted from the back, I tried to finagle and maneuver around the shit in the front and in the process knocked a giant jar of apricot jam off the shelf and onto the top of my foot. And now the top of my tiny foot and the base of my big toe (which, by the way, is a misnomer; my big toe is actually wee) have this lovely dark purple bruise and it really rather hurts. Not bad enough to go have it x-rayed (x-ray'd? x-rayd? x-rayed {no, Microsoft Word, not x-rated, but thanks for the help!}), but enough for me to whine about it like a giant baby.

Oh and I am sore and bruised from being a Trampy Von Trollopstein. Helpful tip for all you ladies out there (and Jeremy). Stubble burn hurts. Whether it's on your face or elsewhere. You know what helps? Preparation H. Swear to God. Makes the burn and swelling go away like instantly. So, if your gentleman caller friend has a bit of stubble and your delicate bits are irritated, you can just fix it in a jiffy. (Helps with your own special valley razor burn, too.) You'll smell like an old lady with hemorrhoids, BUT, you'll feel better.

You're welcome.


Jeremy Feist said...

I love how I'm the token penis of your followers! To be honest with you, I've never had a problem with stubble. Although I am with you on the sore foot, for different, non-slutty reasons.

Anna von Beaverplatz said...

1) I alos love how Jeremy is the token penis of the group.

2) I super extra love that you said "gentleman caller".

3) I have lost many a glass for the same reason (i.e. being to lazy to move things to get to the stuff behind it).

4) Prep H, hm? Good to know. And what can you do with Ben Gay?

5)You're my role model for b eing an old lady. Even if you do have less than a year on me. (Although I'll be able to teach you a thing or two when it comes to flinging cats at people from under your bathrobe.)

Lainey said...

Jeremy - *I* love that you're the token penis on here, too! Really? Never got stubble burn from making out either? It's like I've just exfoliated my chin. Maybe I have ridiculously sensitive skin.

AvB - If we lived in the same area, we would be dangerous and HILARIOUS! The shenaniganing would be out of control. Oh and THANKS! I've always wanted to be someone's role model. I don't even care if you're lying.

Sarah Booz said...

Thank you for the old lady smelling tip - I could have used it earlier this week. (Wink wink, nudge nudge, SAY NO MORE)

Lainey said...

Sarah B. - Heh heh! Harlot. ;)

Kids, you can also use the PrepH if you have pimple that won't come to a head. You know the nasty, hurty, red kind, deep under the skin that make you crazy? Dab some PrepH on it a couple of times over the course of a day or night and it'll either make the redness and pain go away OR it'll bring the zit to a giant head and then you can pop it. True story!

I am so disgusting, sometimes I make myself gag.