Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Zoom, Zoom, Zoom!

Holy crap, this year has come to an end in a quick hurry!  Like all of a sudden.  It seems like the appropriate time to do an end-of-year post, but I don't really feel like it.  I'm not feeling introspective and I'm not making a bunch of resolutions, so it just doesn't really feel like that would be a good post to write or read. 

Instead, I would like to talk about how small my cat's head is.  Seriously, you guys, it's tiny.  She looks like a seal.  Big round body;  bitty, little head.  And then these giant eyes.  She sounds kind of creepy when I describe her like that, but she's really not, she's just terribly unfortunately proportioned.  She's actually cute.  Angie describes her as grand.  It's fitting.

Also, I would like to talk about what a fucking nutjob Sarina is.  I know this doesn't really come as a shock to anyone, but sometimes it just needs to be said.  Sometimes people might wonder if she's truly crazypants or if it's just an act - I'm here to tell you that girlfriend is beyond batshit.  Of course, I should also say that I love her more than anything else.  Well, not more than waffles, but a LOT.

Oh and not related to anything, I got a calendar for Christmas.  It's called "3,650 things to be happy about.", so you can all just pretty much COUNT on that shit getting sprinkled around the joint when I have nothing good for No Whining Wednesdays.  Here's an example of what EVERY page is like:
  • an owl hooting
  • milk with your meal
  • an unexpected job offer
  • the patience to untangle a knot
  • finger painting
  • helping out a neighbor
  • the vocabulary of pasta shapes
  • conserving electricity
  • stories behind photographs
  • relishing the preparations
So, there's that.  I don't know that those things make me *happy*, but they don't make me *sad*, so I'm going to go with it. 

In case you haven't figured it out yet, I'm just babbling at this point and I have no idea how to finish this, so I'm just going to wish you all a happy No Whining Wednesday and ask if you have any big New Year's Eve plans or resolutions?

Wednesday, December 23, 2009



So, there's this boy (although, maybe he would rather be called a man...)  Ok, so, there's this MAN and I'm maybe kinda' sorta' smitten with him and I *think* he's a little sweet on me, too.  Well, if he's not, he spends an awful damn lot of time on the phone with me when he could be doing ANYTHING else (seriously, y'all, contrary to what I'm SURE you're thinking, I am not really all that fascinating to talk to.  I know, shocking!).   He's SUPER smart and funny and sweet and I just really enjoy getting to know him.  My days are way more fun (and way less productive - sorry, boss!) and my nights are filled with entertaining conversations and lots of giggling.  Unfortunately, we don't live in the same place, so our time together is limited to gmail and the phone, but it's nice because we're actually having some good talks instead of just having the non-stop sex.  Please don't misunderstand, I'm not OPPOSED to the non-stop sex, but I'm also loving the extended foreplay of hearing his slight, little southern accent talk about my thiiighs...  Oh and also talking about politics, child-rearing, Oxford Commas, work, religion, and other hot-button topics on which we actually mostly agree (much to my surprise, frankly).

I'm not prepared to really talk about details, but I needed to say something, because I haven't had the flutterflies in a long time and it's awfully fun.  I forgot what it was like.

And now that I've rambled on and on, how are you?  Ready for Christmas?  Anything fun YOU want to talk about?

Happy No Whining Wednesday (late, but it's 11:59, so still totally counts) and a very Merry Christmas to you and yours!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Little Things That Make Others Smile

Last week I asked you all to list little things that make you smile and I sat here grinning like a fool reading them all - thank you!  So, today's post started because of a conversation Cindy and I had on a Facebook comment.  Today, I'm offering up a challenge - what little thing can you do to make someone else smile?

Nothing major or insincere, but if you feel like playing, try to compliment someone today.  The lady in Accounting who always smiles when you see her or that guy who sits in the corner of the lunchroom by himself, or the cashier at Target or the counterperson at Chick-Fil-A (true story, the guy who rang up my order last week at Chick-Fil-A told me I had really pretty nails. I was kind of surprised because I don't do anything to them; I just let them grow and keep them fairly even, but his off-hand comment brightened my little day a tidge).   When you think about it, how often do YOU get a sincere compliment from a co-worker or stranger?  Does it make your day a bit better or am I that easily amused?

Anyway, you can share it in the comments here or you can keep it to yourself or hell, you don't even have to do it if it seems disengenous.  I'm judging our company's Cubicle Decorating Contest this morning, so since I'm going to be all over the building and talking to employees I don't usually interact with, I'm going to try to notice little things and make a point to mention them.  Who knows, maybe they'll just think I'm weirder than they thought, but maybe it'll make one person's day.  Maybe it'll make MY day?

Happy No Whining Wednesday!!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Little Things That Make Me Smile

(From Passive Aggressive Notes - I have no idea why they don't exist on Wednesdays, but it makes me smile!)
  • Watching my big piggycat chase after the laser pointer and listening to her purr while she's playing.
  • Listening to (and maybe chair dancing to) the songs from "Glee" in my office.
  • Blueberry sorbet mixed with lemon gelato or (it is surprisingly tasty) chocolate gelato.
  • Turning on my Christmas tree lights.
  • The #1 search that brings folks here is, "what's the opposite of exciting?"
  • Diet Barq's root beer.
  • Singing the "lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala" part of Lily Allen's "Smile".
  • Misery Night
  • My cinnamon chai candle with the wooden wick that sounds like a crackling fire.
  • Fuzzy socks.
  • Laying my jammies on the radiator while I shower & then putting on toasty jammies.
  • Toast and jam.
  • Hilarious texts and emails from Sarina.
  • My new Miche purse with its 6 different covers (or as Sarina calls them, "purse pants").
  • Pineapple.
  • My Jersey Shore nickname is L-Scream.  Awesome.
  • Snooze alarm dreams.
  • You fuckers.

What are 2 of yours?  Or 5... or however many you want...

Happy No Whining Wednesday!!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

No Whining Wednesday

So, yeah, um I have nothing to write about, so instead I'm going to post a picture of my Christmas Tree.  I haven't had a Christmas tree since I was 12, so I had no ornaments for it.  I spent an assload of money at the Target (which, I'm not even lying when I say that I should NOT be allowed to visit Target without a chaperone) and bought festive decorations and lights and I picked a theme!  I went with silver and teal and I like it.  The silver stands out way more than the teal does, but I like the little pops of color from the blue.  For a first timer, I think I did an ok job.  LOOK!

Yeah, that's it.  I got nothing.  I am SOO sleepy that my wee eyes are closing on me and it's taking everything I have to sit semi-upright to type this.  In fact, I'm actually typing this with my eyes closed because they hurt.  I'm very old.   Seriously, so sleepyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
Do you guys have anything good to talk about?  I know Miss Lizzie's taking the GRE today and I know she's going to knock it out of the park!  I know Ms. jamiepants's Saints (who dat?) are whuppin' all the other teams in the NFL and she is LOVIN' it!  I know mr. gp has some fun stuff going on that makes him all giddy and bouncy, which makes *me* giddy and bouncy (but not TOO bouncy, because I have the PMS and my bewbs hurt like a motherfucker right now.  Oh, hi, welcome to my overshare).   I also happen to know another handsome gentleman who has some fun stuff going on...hmmm, coincidence??

Here's what I have to look forward to:  New episode of "Glee!", the jammies that I ordered should be arriving Thursday (seriously, this is the SLOWEST online order ever!), I have Friday off, so I have a 3-day weekend in which to lounge in the aforementioned jammiepants, "Better Off Ted" Season 1 dvds are on their way to my house RIGHT NOW (I really can't explain why I'm SO excited about that, I just am.)  What else?  Tell me your good stuff so I can look forward to that, too!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

The Pilgrims DIED So You Could Eat Sweet Potatoes!

My grandma actually said that to my cousin one Thanksgiving when we were little.  We've never forgotten it and it's become a holiday greeting at my family's house.

I was going to try to write up something nice and/or funny, but then I dicked around and went to the grocery store and put gas in my car and talked on the phone and made a grilled cheese sandwich (you're totally right, AvB - a LOT of work!) and then made some pumpkin dip, checked my work email (because I am DUMB and never learn), took a shower, picked out something to wear to work, packed my lunch, patted myself on the back for doing all of these things, and now I'm too tired.  So, I'm going to make YOU do the work for me (this is also how I get through most of my work days, but no one has figured it out yet - YAY for me!)

Thanksgiving (US Thanksgiving, the *real* Thanksgiving, not like that Canadianastukian "holiday") is Thursday - what are you most looking forward to about the holiday or the weekend?  For you Canadatians, pretend it's a month ago, what was your favorite thing about it?

For me, it's getting 4 days off.  The food and family part doesn't really interest me all that much, but the 4 days off is exactly what I need right now and I'm just so THANKFUL (see what I did there) that I can sleep in and lounge about and just be not at work!

Your turn! 

Friday, November 20, 2009

Special Little Snowflakes

This may be rambling and incoherent - I'll do my best to stay on topic and to self-edit.

Usually around Christmas everyone wants to take vacation time, but the office still needs to be staffed, so they limit the number of people who can be off at the same time.  A couple of years ago our senior management team made the decision to let employees who worked on Christmas Eve day leave 2 hours earlier than the end of their scheduled shift and get paid for those 2 hours.  It was a perk for the employees who had to come in that day.  If you took a vacation day on Christmas Eve, however, you had to use 8 hours of PTO.

This year, our senior management team made the decision to close the office at 12:00 on Christmas Eve.  They also decided it was dumb to limit the amount of people who could have the day off, since most of the companies or agencies we do business with are closed or are short-staffed also.  Additionally, for reasons I still don't understand, they've also decided to pay everyone for 4 hours, whether they work or not.  So, basically, if you choose to take the day off, you can and you only have to use 4 hours of PTO and the Company will pay for the other 4 hours to give you a full day's pay.  If you don't have any PTO and you choose to work that day, you only have to work 4 hours and the company will pay you for a full 8-hour day.  Sounds great, right?  Yeah, not to everyone, apparently...

One of our Special Little Snowflakes has decided that this is somehow unfair.  In the past, the extra 2 hours of pay was a REWARD for coming in and working, but NOW the Company is going to pay EVERYONE 4 hours whether they work or not and to her, that's not fair!  It's not fair that if she comes in to work, someone who chooses to take off that day still gets the same benefit she gets.  She's, in her words, "being PENALIZED" for coming in and working. 

Wait, what?  Seriously?  Yeah, she's in a snit because everyone gets 4 hours paid and she's evidently pissed because she gets paid for an additional 2 hours and has to work 2 hours LESS than in previous years...let that sink in.  She's mad and thinks it's unfair because why should EVERYONE get this "perk"?  What the fuck is wrong with you?   I don't understand this logic.  Can someone please explain this to me?   Also, can someone explain the word "penalize" to her, because I don't think it means what she thinks it means.

OK, fine, so she's just some random malcontent - EXCEPT, no, she's posted this all over her Facebook page and because she's a goddamned genius, she's "friended" her supervisor, who then brings it to HR, because now it's a "morale issue".  Wait, back up.  The Company is paying employees to not  work or to be at work for half a day and somehow we have a morale problem because of this?  I swear don't understand.  Am I being dense?  Can someone PLEASE explain this to me?

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Sometimes Laziness DOES Pay!

First - Everything about Paheeba Day was incredible!  Thank you, you amazing, delightful, lovely ladies of Pajiba!  Thanks for all of your planning and writing and editing and Photoshopping and general awesomeness.  I feel privileged to be among your members.
Second - I was a giant, whiny baby on Monday.  GIANT.  So giant, in fact, that I actually *cried* in front of my boss.  My boss and I are also friends, so this isn't as tragic as it could have been, but still - come ON, we mock people who cry at work!  In the past couple of months, 7 of my friends have entered into relationships (some with each other, which is just about the cutest thing EVER) and I'm definitely happy for them.  However, my stupid girl-self also spent some time in the Bitter Barn feeling sorry for myself and lamenting my lack of a love life.  On Monday morning, my boss greeted me and said, "Hey, you look sad; what's up?" and then you know how when someone's nice to you it just makes you cry like a girl?  Yeah, so that happened.  At the end of my little Pity Party, she said, "I know you know this.  I KNOW you know this, but Lainey, no one's just gonna' just show up & knock on your door.  You have to get out there and make yourself available to meet people.  It's not just going to happen by sitting in your jammie pants and watching teevee."
Oh realllllllly?
So, Angel-ica sends me a text Monday afternoon, "Hey, would you be interested in going out with a 28-year-old guy"?  WhutWhut? 
I wrote her back and we played text tag for a few minutes until I got irritated as crap with that (GOD, I hate extended texting, unless it's of the dirty, sessy variety) and called her.  Her husband, M, works with a guy who said to him, "I'd just like to meet a nice, funny, cute, kinda' nerdy girl who's independent, kind of a homebody, has some meat on her bones and a brain in her head." and M exclaimed, "I KNOW THAT GIRL!" I told Angie that I'm not a nerd though and then she laughed and laughed...
Angie said that her husband was SO excited that he'd actually already emailed my picture to the boy and they were planning our first meeting/date.  I *jokingly* asked if he would mind if I showed up in my jammiepants and Angie shrieked, "Ohmygod, yes!  Yes, let's do that!"  So now, the 4 of us are going to get together at the boy's house, in our jammies, and watch movies, eat Mexican take-out, and play with the Wii.  I think it sounds like a lot of fun and even if it's not a love connection, it'll be good to have some interaction with a guy who isn't my dad or the janitor at my office.
Also, the fact that I get to keep saying to my boss, "Neener, neener, neener - enjoy working hard while I sit on my ass and do nothing!" has not grown old.

Third - Speaking of sitting on my ass and doing nothing - evidently that pays off at work, too!  I got a promotion (well, technically I got a better title & more vacation time) and a raise today.  Cool, right?  I'm sure this will come back to bite me in the ass as it can really only mean that more work is coming and they're trying to butter me up to do it.  Whatevs.  Not like I was doing anything anyway.

Fourth - I started Weight Watchers again a couple of weeks ago. I've lost 5 pounds and while I'm aware that it isn't much, at least the scale is going down instead of up for the first time in a really long time.  I'm freaking STARVING every afternoon around 4:30, so I need to find a way to deal with that, but otherwise, I'm doing pretty well and it's kind of fun to treat my daily points allotment as a scavenger hunt.  Now I just need to get off my lazy ass and throw some exercise into the mix.  Baby steps, baby steps...

Fifth - I tagged this with "waking up with things in your mouth" because it makes me laugh.

Sixth - I have to go to an Employment Law Review all afternoon on Friday, BUT, I get to go with my boss to Red Robin for lunch and I have been saving my extra Weight Watchers points this week so I can have a burger, fries and freckled lemonade.  I'm way more excited about this than I should be.

Seventh - After this Friday, I will not be required to wear pants on Fridays until next January!  Yeah, bitchez!  Between Thanksgiving and New Years, I will have every Friday off work.  Suh-fricken-weet!

Eighth - I don't have an eighth.

Ninth - My pajama date means I get to go shopping for new jammie pants - YAY for new jammie pants that actually serve a purpose for once!

Tenth - What do you squirrellybutts have going on this week?

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Best No Whining Wednesday Ever!

We'll return to your regularly scheduled random blatherings tomorrow.  Today, it's all about Paheeba Day.  Enjoy!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Umm, Hey There Wednesday...

Noooo, I totally didn't forget you!  How could you think such a thing?

(Pssst, you guys, I totally forgot about Wednesday!)

I didn't write up anything last night, like I normally do, and I will be going out after work to meet up with the HR ladies, so I won't be able to do it later.  So, yeah, um, I'm at work, not having Veteran's Day off, because my company *obviously* hates America and trying to write a blog post while I'm trying to pretend to do work and not get fired, so you guys are kind of on your own today.  Talk amongst yourselves. 

Here are a few good things going on with me, so there's NO whining from this lady today!

  • I made a giant pot of chili, so I have leftovers for days - awesome!  I also made a spaghetti squish, so that'll feed me with chicken or with vegetables or in Chinese food or just a bowl of squish!  I don't remember if I posted it here or if it was on Facebook, but I told Cindy to nuke the spaghetti squash for a few minutes to make it easier to cut - yeah, don't do that.  I've done it that way a couple of times and it makes it kinda' mushy/slimyish.  I recommend doing it the old fashioned way and risking loss of fingers and/or hands by trying to cut the damn, hard thing. It'll make you appreciate it more if you have to bleed work for it.  This is one time the internet wasn't helpful for me.
  •  GLEE! is back on tonight!  Oh Finn and Puck, how I love your pretty faces and voices.  Glee, glee, glee, GLEE!!!
  •  Every time I walk by my living room I see the beautiful, fuzzy, warm blanket (infused with LOVE) that Sarina made 'specially for me and it makes me all gooey and happy & I have to stop and pet it.  For real, you guys, I don't know if you understand how much this blanket means to me.  Sarina does NOT enjoy working and she did actual WORK on this blanket.  I loves it!
  •  And finally, one of my employees has to get rabies shots because a raccoon sneaked into her house through the roof and she woke up with its PAW IN HER MOUTH!!!  So, I think that all things considered, I have nothing to complain about and frankly, neither do any of you unless YOU woke up with a raccoon's PAW IN YOUR MOUTH!
So, other than that whole raccoon thing, what other good stuff do you guys have  going on?  Anything you're excited about or looking forward to?  Any stories about waking up with things in your mouth? 

Happy No Whining Wednesday!!

Monday, November 9, 2009

Ten Things

The lovely and adorable Eyvi Sprite gave me a major award!  Then she basically hit me in the face with it because I was required to do WORK.  So, because I am nothing if not a sucker for pretend internet awards, I present to you my Ten Things You Didn't Know and Probably Didn't Care about me...

1)  I don't eat condiments.  Sour cream is disgusting.  Ketchup is gross.  Mustard is fucking vile!  I'll eat mayo if it's in tuna salad and it has to be barely visible.  I have a theory that people who drown their food in condiments grew up with parents (or even just one parent) who couldn't cook.  I have no idea if this is a valid theory or not, but it's set in my head because...

2)  My dad is an AMAZING cook!  He doesn't follow any recipes, he just throws a bunch of different shit in a pan & it comes out delicious.  I'd like to be able to just instinctively cook like he does.

3)  I don't have a favorite color. Colors are situational to me.  For example:  My favorite color of clothing is probably green.  My favorite color of car is charcoal.  My favorite color of flower is purple...maybe yellow.  I can't pick a favorite color.

4)  The first DVD I ever bought was The Sweetest Thing.  Say what you want about Cameron Diaz, but Christina Applegate is fucking awesome and I will watch her in anything (including Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead, which I also own!)

5)  I'm always shocked when employees say they're afraid of me or they're nervous when they see me, because I know what a giant nerdgirl I am & that I have *no* authority at work, I can't believe that I could make anyone nervous or worried that they'll be in trouble.

6)  I played Powderpuff Football in high school.  I was approximately 5'0" and weighed 103 lbs and I was the Center.  It. Was. Awesome.  I only started playing it because the varsity boys football players were the coaches for the girl teams and then I ended up loving it SO much and actually being good at, I became the captain for my junior and senior years.

7)  I took Ecstasy once (like 10 years ago) and LOVED it.  Lu-huved it!  I've never done it since because I loved it so much I fear that it would become a habit.

8)  I haven't eaten at Burger King since 1994 or 1995.  They changed their fries to some weird-ass crispy gross things and I haven't eaten there since.  Turns out, I don't really miss it.

9)  Jesus, this is HARD (that's what she said) - Oooh, speaking of Jesus, I'm finished with my Christmas shopping already!  And I have the cards, I just need to write and mail them.  YAY for online shopping!  I really couldn't tell you the last time I stepped foot in a mall during the holidays and as with BK fries, turns out, I don't really miss it.  Also, I haven't had a Christmas tree since I was 13.  I may get a little one this year...

10) As if anyone's still reading at this point - 10th, but probably the most important little known fact is how important to me all of you are.  Every time I get a comment I'm amazed and grateful and happy and genuinely baffled.  I'm baffled because seriously, don't you people have better things to do with your time than read this drivel?  It's fascinating to me that anyone reads this period, but reads it regularly and takes the time to comment?  Fascinating and very, very gratifying.  So, I hope you all know that even though I don't understand why you're here, I'm very grateful and I love all of my little bluggies (blog buddies) so much.  Thank you!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Conversations With My Father...

This happened today.

Dad:  Sorry to bother you at work; I know you're busy.
Me:   Not really.  Just dicking around on Facebook at the moment.
Dad:  What's a facebook?
Me:   You know what?  Doesn't matter.  What's up?
Dad:  Do I have an email?
Me:   Um, no.
Dad:  Why not?
Me:   You don't have a computer.
Dad:  You have to have a computer to have the email?
Me:   No, but you can't read the email without a computer or on your phone.
Dad:  If I had an email would it just be "Denny at the internet dot com"?
Me:   No.  No, it would not.
Dad:  Why not?
Me:   Dad, do you think you're the only Denny in the world?
Dad:  Well, no shit, obviously, it would be "Denny Bobainey* at the internet dot com".
Me:  Obviously.
Dad:  So, can you make me an email and if I tell someone to send me something, do I tell them "Denny Bobainey at the internet dot com"?
Me:   No.  Dad.... I can create an email address for you, but why don't you just have them send it to my email address and I'll print it for you?
Dad:  Because.  Just make me that email.
Me:   Ok, whatever.  Are you waiting for something, 'cause that's not a real email address.
Dad:  Well, it will be when you make it.
Me:   No, doesn't really work that way. 
Dad:  Why not?  How many Denny Bobaineys can there be?
Me:   It's not a valid address - there is no such thing as "at the internet dot com", but even if there was, let's just say there was, I have no idea how many Denny Bobaineys there are in the world and also, your  name doesn't even have to actually be Denny Bobainey to use it.
Dad:  What?  You mean Dick McDickface, down the street, can use my name for his internet if he wants?
Me:  Well, yes, but if his name's Dick McDickface, I don't know why he'd want your name.  His name is AWESOME.
Dad:  No, seriously, anyone can use my name and pretend to be me?
Me:  Well, kind of. 
Dad: Well, that's some bullshit right there.
Me:  Maybe you should write to the president and tell him that.
Dad:  I CAN'T - I don't have an EMAIL and even if I did, how would the president really know it was me?
Me:   I don't know.  I'll have to think about that and get back to you.

20 seconds later the phone rings:

Dad:  Is Facebook that internet yearbook thing?
Me:   Kinda', yeah, it kind of is.
Dad:  Look on there and see if anyone's pretending to be me!

And scene!

*Not his real name.  Please don't try to impersonate him on the internets or try to steal his Social Security Checks.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Baby Got Back...

So, yeah, I understand that diet and exercise are the way to lose weight and get in shape.  However, I also understand that I'm lazier than shit and I'm not so good at monitoring my own diet if my pants size is any indicator.

I've always been curvy, but not fat - I'd say, "thick" or "chunky" (Mmmm, like salsa!), until I quit smoking a few years ago.  I've gained 30 pounds and I just seem to keep adding to it.  I've done Weight Watchers and been REALLY dedicated to it, but didn't lose more than 5 - 10 pounds.  My doctor prescribed diet pills (SPEED - WOOHOO!) and not only did I feel like *ass*, I only lost a few pounds and gained it back as soon as I went off of them.  I used to exercise with the ex, but he was in fantastic shape and I couldn't keep up, so I'd get frustrated and stop.  I have a WiiFit and I'm really trying to make myself use it with regularity, but so far, I can't seem to make myself use it even though I enjoy the hell out of it while I'm playing.

I'm a few months shy of turning 40.  My father's heart attack kind of scared me and made me reexamine my own lard-lined arteries.  I'm single and haven't been on a date date in several years because I have a hard time trying to date when I feel like a whale and I'm a tiny, little petite chick, so that much extra weight makes me look as wide as I am tall.   I need to lose about 30 - 40 pounds and I need to do something that shows some results or I'll give up and quit trying.  (Yes, I realize that I'm an assy baby about this, I'm just trying to be honest with myself and with you and despite wanting to NOT be an assy baby, I know my limitations.)

Yes, I talk about waffles all the time, but seriously, I really don't eat them that often and I'm not even lying when I say I eat relatively healthfully (I LOVE vegetables and fruit and recently I don't seem to really like meat, so I don't eat hamburgers, hot dogs or sausage), I only eat fast food maybe twice a month and I don't drink sugar soda.  My biggest problems seem to be that I fail at packing my lunch for work and then eat whatever is closest; I eat late at night, since I tend to not go to bed until 1:00 AM; and I am a huge fan of butter, cheese, and anything with the word "cake" in it.  I think I could possibly benefit from a restrictive & strict diet that's pre-packaged and is planned for me.

Now that I've rambled on (too bad excessive typing doesn't burn significant calories), here's my question to you:  I'm seriously considering joining Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, or Chefs Diet (which is sort of like The Zone food delivery service, except not the REALLY good shit that rich people and celebrities get).  These are all fairly expensive and I will be a bitter, bitter bunny if the food tastes, looks or smells like barf.  Have any of you tried any of those programs or known anyone who has?  Were they/you successful in the weight loss?  Was the food edible?  Would it work for a picky eater?  Did the weight come back after going off the program? 

Any feedback is GREATLY appreciated!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

This Space for Rent...


This is Lainey's blog, but Lainey is goofing around and/or too lazy unavoidably detained until further notice. So I, an anonymous, benevolent friend, shall provide you with a short entry.

As you may know, last week Lainey was waylaid (don't get excited, that word has nothing to do with sex [unfuckingfortunately! --ed.]) by some cold or virus disease type thing. She took quite a lot of OTC meds, and may have gotten hooked on one of them. It would explain a lot, right? She also got hooked on maple syrup, though she tries to explain it away as some sort of nutrition when accompanied by a frozen circular disk. Despite her poor diet and the d.t.s, she seems to have dragged herself into work this week, where she spends much time complaining or making observations about her co-workers and or superiors. I do assume some work gets done, as she hasn't gotten fired. And she did do all that nifty employee appreciation stuff, didn't she? But still, I'm not sure she's completely gotten her mojo back, so I'm going to recommend we have a little intervention. We'll keep it small, entice her with the smell of waffles and pretend we're all there to watch...Intervention!  She'll totally fall for it. Now while we're there, let's just go ahead and tie her to a chair until she tells us that SEX STORY; may as well kill two birds, right?

I think that's all I've got for now, please leave a comment if you'd like to be a part of the intervention and if you can bring a snack. Everything is better with snacks. [You know what makes a nice snack?  Waffles...I'm JUST saying. --ed.] I know you'll all be as happy as me when we have our girl back.


[PS:  Happy No Whining Wednesday! --ed.]

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

My Heart Is Filled With Glee...

And my head is filled with snot!  (No, you would not be wrong in thinking that I am klass-ay.)

Ok, so I've been Sicky McGee for the last week and I'm about tired of it.  But, that's not what this is about.  It's about how awesome my friends are.  I didn't go to work on Thursday or Friday and I was stressing HARD, because Thursday was the Employee Appreciation luncheon and I felt *awful* for leaving Dana alone to handle it all.  She took it amazingly well.  Way better than I would have, I'm sure.  In addition to being super nice to me about ditching her, she sent a care package home to me.  My lovely friend Angel-ica called me around 3:00 and asked if she could stop by after work to drop off something.  I said sure, because I was half asleep when she called and honestly, I would have agreed to a sack of angry badgers almost anything just to go back to dreamland where my throat & lungs weren't on fire.

She showed up with a GIANT care package from Dana of cheesy potatoes, chicken, a caramel apple, 3 cookies and a card.  Ang also brought me veg-e-table soup & french fries from my favorite fast food place, AND she brought me a cd she made with the songs from Glee!  It's so awesome to listen to Finn & Rachel sing their little hearts out to "Don't Stop Believing" and "No Air" and Mr. Shu and the Acafellas singing "Poison" (Never trust a big butt and a smile...)  As crappy as I've felt, I can't help but smile when I listen to it.  Also, the kid who plays Finn is 27 and therefore not a kid kid, so it's totally acceptable for me to have dirty, nasty, whorish thoughts about him....I'm just sayin'.

Friday, my neighbor Heather sent me a text asking if I was ok.  A few hours later she sent me another text telling me to check my door.  She hung a bag on my doorknob with Puffs w/ Lotion, Nyquil, Dayquil and Hall's cherry cough drops.  Aww, how sweet!  Then, about an hour after that my doorbell rang.  My boss sent me flowers to thank me for working on Employee Appreciation Week.  Nice, right?  Oh and so, remember how I said that only 11 employees would appreciate our efforts?  Well, I was wrong.  I got FOURTEEN emails saying thanks!  Ha.  Suck, self!  And I would have been sad and sick if it weren't for my lovely (and weird) Pajiba/Facebook friends who kept me company while I was home and made me laugh.  Thanks, kids!

And this is completely not related to anything above, but it makes me enormously happy - my Denver Broncos are 6 and 0!! 

Ok, sorry, back to other non-sports stuff.  What do you kids have going on?  Fun stuff?  Happy stuff?  Are you planning any Halloweeny stuff?  I hope you're all well and have a happy No Whining Wednesday!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

The World's Second Smallest Violin...

The world's smallest violin actually belongs to a co-worker.  She has a "bad" day, every day.  Seriously, how do you have a bad day every day?  If every day is bad, you're doing it wrong. 

All that aside, I'm about to bow the strings of my runner-up, wee violin.  Tomorrow is No Whining Wednesday and yet, all I can do is whine.  All I want to do is whine  Whining just sounds SO good right now.

I feel that I may be coming down with bronchitis.  I'm actually certain of it.  When I smoked, I used to get it every year and it suh-hucked!  Since I quit, almost 3 years ago, I haven't gotten sick, but I recognize that burn in my chest;   that scratchy burn in my throat that spreads down to my lungs.  Ugh.  So, yeah, not that there's ever really a good time to get sick, but now is the opposite of a good time. 

 - Job Fair with Stupid Thirteen (I've expanded her name) all day on Wednesday.  I have to talk to people and smile and be friendly.  I have to coax people to talk and I have to talk loudly over the din of the crowded room.  Army Douche better not be there, that's all I'm gonna' say about that.

 - After the job fair, I'm meeting with the HR ladies I befriended.  We've already postponed our get-together twice now, so I'd feel really sucky if I had to reschedule it again, but the idea of talking to job seekers and Stupid Thirteen all day and then going out to talk about work for another couple of hours just fills me with dread.

- Thursday we're bringing in lunch and serving it to our staff as part of Employee Appreciation Week.  I just don't think my hacking and throat clearing is going to be appetizing for 300+ employees trying to eat their food.

 - The Vice President offered my services to one of the Vice Presidents in the Denver office (because he doesn't have an assistant  - I don't know why, I only know that he should have one) to help him edit his budget presentation.  I helped our VP with his and I'm certain it's karma's way of teaching me a lesson because, you guys, I totally gloated about red-lining his presentation on Facebook.  Now, I'm paying for it.  In addition to being out of the office for a full day and then doing employee relations shit all week and OH YEAH, heading that damned committee that he assigned me to a couple of weeks ago, what I really need is to get loaned out to another executive.   

 - Angel-ica and I are supposed to get together this weekend to play with the Wii Sports Resort and maybe watch Drag Me to Hell, but unless I can do this while laying in bed, doped up on antibiotics and cough syrup with codeine, this doesn't sound the least bit appealing to me.

- And FINALLY, my sexyfuntime friend is back in town next week and DAMMIT, I was looking forward to making the sessy with him and generally not coughing up phlegm globs while he's ripping my clothes o.... ahem...I mean, while we're playing a rousing game of Yahtzee!  Naked!  We've been sending dirty, sessy texts and emails for the past week in anticipation of seeing each other & now instead, the only thing I want in my mouth is a lozenge.  Yeah, I just said that, 'cause I'm a filthy hoo-er.

So, now I need you guys.  At the risk of sounding even more obnoxiously dorky than I normally sound, I need your positive energy today to be my "medicine" (or I'll take codeine cough syrup if you have that instead).  What good things are going on with you?  How's your life?

Sunday, October 11, 2009

If you would like to spoil the day for a grouch, give him a smile.

So, Monday starts Employee Appreciation Week at my office.  This basically means the Admin Assistant, Dana (truly one of the nicest people I've ever met), and I will spend a week (and a shit load of our time and patience) trying to make 360 employees feel appreciated.  They will in turn make us feel like slapping them.  No matter what we do, it won't be enough.  No matter how much we give, it won't be enough.  No matter how hard we try, it won't be enough.  That said, 11 people will appreciate our efforts.  It's the same 11 people every year and I've come to value them above all the rest.

Dana and I spent Friday afternoon shopping for supplies and planning the logistics of the week.  Last Thursday, I gathered the aforementioned 11 positive and grateful employees and dubbed them the Attitude Ambassadors (because I am a GIANT nerd).  I gave them each 2 little plastic smiley face trophies with the instruction that they are to give them out this week to people who do nice things for others or people they see being helpful or good role models.  Additionally, those employees who receive the awards are supposed to give the trophies away to other co-workers who have been helpful or kind to them...and so on...  I also gave them silly little smiley face stickers and asked them to give them to employees who looked like they were stressed or weren't having a good day.  I asked them not to tell the employees to "smile!"( because that makes me fucking stabby), but they should give the bummed co-worker a sticker and just nicely tell them that they hope their day gets better or a similar sentiment.  I'm really hoping that their example will influence the behavior and attitudes of the other employees.

Some of the activities we have planned for the week include:
  • Jeans and tennis shoes every day.
  • Raffle tickets will be passed out and all week we'll draw numbers for $25 gift cards to Kohl's, Best Buy, Olive Garden, Old Navy, Bed, Bath & Beyond, Giant Eagle, and Outback Steakhouse.  (haaa, I kept typing Steakhorse - totally different!)
  • Monday, smiley face notepads and 4-color pens with our company's logo will be distributed to everyone.
  • Tuesday will be Creative Arts Day.   The staff can wear their favorite movie, tv show or band/concert t-shirt (I'll be wearing my WhiskyBabyNinjaStar shirt, because no one will know what the hell it is and I'll probably say it's a band if anyone asks).  We'll be doing a DVD/VHS movie swap where they can bring in old CD's/movies/games and either trade them or just donate them  & we'll give them to the local library.  We're also giving everyone microwave popcorn packs with our company logo on them and putting big bowls of popcorn, M&M's, Red Hots, Lemon Heads and Milk Duds in all of the break rooms to munch on throughout the day and we're continuing the raffle, but the prizes are $10 gift cards for AMC Theaters and iTunes.  I think we have 10 of those to give away.
  • Wednesday I'll be at a job fair all day with stupid Thirteen, but the kids at work will be getting caramel apples.  There better be some leftover apples for me when I come back on Thursday because caramel apples are one of my favorite things.  They're totally healthy 'cause they're fruit, dammit!
  • Thursday we're having a catered lunch of roasted chicken, cheesy potatoes (these potatoes are TO DIE for!), applesauce, coleslaw and rolls & butter with yummy giant cookies for dessert.  I feel like we're doing something else on Thursday, but I can't think of what it is right now.
  • Friday is Sports Day and employees can wear their favorite sports team jersey, t-shirt or sweatshirt.  It's also Boss's Day and for all of the Team Leads, Supervisors, Managers and Directors we have handmade AMAZINGLY delicious shortbread cookies iced to look like smiley faces.  They will also get pretty little brightly-colored wooden boxes with sayings written inside, like "Every day you get more wonderful".  Inside the boxes we'll be putting magnets with different sayings like "Live.  Laugh.  Love." and other hippy dippy phrases.  And then, because I'm 9, we also have a whole bunch of smiley face toys to give to them.  Smiley face slap bracelets and pencils; those paddle things with the string and the ball; smiley face stress balls; little plastic slinkies with smiley faces on them, etc., you get the idea.  Junky, fun, little things that they can keep or take home to their kids. 
That's our week.  It comes once a year in October and Dana and I plan and look forward to it.  We put a shit-ton of effort and creativity into and every year end up feeling bad because the employees are assholes.  But *this* year, I'm not going to let the negative ones get to me.  I'm going to focus my attention and energy on the ones who appreciate it and who genuinely feel appreciated, because we DO appreciate our employees.   This year, I'm going to have fun!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


So this really has nothing to do with No Whining Wednesday, but I don't have anything else to write about. Well, I DO have other things to write about, but they'll take effort and thought and editing and I'm just not feeling super excited about any of those words, so you'll get this. And you'll LIKE it.

The grocery store by my house employs "special" folks as, I'm sure, lots of grocery stores do. One of the gentlemen who works there is named Dan and Dan falls somewhere on the Autism spectrum. He talks a mile a minute to you as soon as you get to the register and he does it with a completely flat tone with no rises or falls. He doesn't laugh, he says, "HA HA". I have no idea how, but half of the times I'm at the store, I wind up in Dan's line.

So, the other day I'm standing in line checking out and Dan's rambling on and on and saying, "HA HA" after every 3rd sentence. I saw my boss's 17-year-old daughter run in. I said, "Hey, Debi, whatcha' doing?"

She stopped and said, "Oh hey! I'm running in to get money and then I have to go meet my mom. She's REALLY mad at me. Like REALLY mad!" I asked why. She said because she was getting her nose pierced and her mom was not happy.

I laughed and said, "DEBI - you are not! I'm telling your mother!"

Obviously, I'm kidding.

Not to Dan. Dan stopped ringing up my groceries, lowered his eyebrows, looked at me scornfully and said, slowly and clearly, "You shouldn't tattle. It's NOT nice."

Dan had nothing else to say to me for the remainder of our checkout time together.

Yeah, so my recollection of this fascinating story probably isn't nearly as amusing as it was at the time, but you guys, it was really funny. Seriously. HA HA!

Happy No Whining Wednesday!  Anything make you laugh recently?  

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

No Whining Wednesday

Can you believe we've been playing No Whining Wednesday for 3 months now?  That's 12 weeks of making a concerted effort to focus on the positives (for one day a week) rather than the negatives.  That's pretty damn impressive, mon petite chou-chous!   For 1/4 of a year we've all chosen to turn our frowns upside down (okay, maybe not - but we've TRIED and that's the important part)!

My dad told me a lot of shit over the years (seriously A LOT of shit), but one thing he consistently told me is, "what goes around comes around" and he's not wrong.  It may not happen immediately, but I've seen it happen enough to believe it's true.  It's kind of the same concept with No Whining Wednesday. I'm a big believer in "you get what you give".  I can't speak for the rest of you, but for me, I both look forward to and dread Wednesdays.  I dread it because I know that I have to watch my stupid mouth and not be an asshole even though it's my automatic response and I look forward to it because I know that all of you are watching your mouths and not being assholes, too! 

I want to clarify a couple of misconceptions about NWW for people who've been around since it started and also for new readers (Hi, new readers!  I don't know why Blogger doesn't tell me when new people start following, but don't you think that would be a good idea?) who may want to participate, but aren't sure of the specifics.  You don't have to be sprinkles and light and not have a bad day.  I think I may have given the impression that you have to *only* talk about positive and happy things even if your day sucks beyond the telling of it.  That's not true.  Just try to find a way to focus on the up-side or find one good thing in that shitty day.  Find the good in the situation.  Even if you have to really s t r e t c h to find it, I promise you'll feel slightly better (if only for 2 seconds) when you identify the positive spin.  Like the cartoon above illustrates, your mood is up to you.  Also, I think some people think that by NOT posting about anything positive, they're not playing.  So not true!  If you're just refraining from bitching about how rotten your day/life is, you're TOTALLY playing!  That's really what it's about.  It's not about only having a good day; it's about not letting your bad day overcome you or seep into everyone else's day.  Does that make sense?

There's a website I found this past weekend that sorta' exemplifies what No Whining Wednesday is about.  It's called, "It Made My Day" and it has some entries that are totally in line with the sentiment I'm trying to get across.  A lot of the entries lean toward the petty-ish, but a lot of them are about finding the silver lining without being all psycho pep squad about it.  Check it out and let me know if you agree.  Also, as usual, if you're feeling it, please let me know what good things are going on with you. You have no idea how much I look forward to your happy moments!

Happy No Whining Wednesday!

Monday, September 28, 2009

Addictions, Obsessions, Fixations...

Recently, I've become fixated on three new foods.  Well, the foods aren't new; I'm sure they've been around for ages, but they're new to me.

Based on the recommendation of my friend Kellie (who makes up one third of my brain, which is composed of me, Kellie and Anna von Beaverplatz - I'm not even lying, we are totally the same person!), I finally tried real maple syrup.  I'd only ever had imitation maple syrup, like Mrs. Butterworth and Log Cabin and I didn't really like them very much, so I assumed I wouldn't really care for the real stuff on which it was based.  So, yeah, I was wrong.  Real maple syrup is the SHIT!  Ohmynomnomnom!  Every day I have to talk myself out of having pancakes, French toast or waffles.  Every day.  Because now, that's what I want all the time, just so I can put maple syrup on it.  And here's the thing, guys, real maple syrup is NOT cheap!  I bought this wee 3.4 oz bottle for almost $5.00 from the Amish Market (which is also a new obsession - I can't even stand going to the regular grocery store now because their produce sucks hairy, sweaty ballsacks.  The Amish Market has locally grown vegetables and fruit, fresh churned butter, cheese, fresh baked bread, maple syrup, homemade pies {and they have MINI pies, so I don't feel like a giant hoggy pig girl}, and beautiful and inexpensive flower bouquets.  I love the Amish Market SOO much!)  FIVE DOLLARS for like 1/3 of a cup!  So worth it though.  A little goes a long way and it just has so much more flavor than fake syrup and it's not sickly sweet.  If you haven't tried it, I recommend picking up some.  Don't waste your money on the Canadian crap though.  You can get US made and then you're not contributing to the impolite, hockey-loving Canadian economy.  Fucking Canadians, all superior (oh, pardon, "superiour") with their REAL fucking maple syrup.

The other food I've become addicted to is spaghetti squash.  Mmmm, spaghetti squash...  Evidently, people put pasta sauce on it and use it as a substitute for traditional spaghetti.  I haven't done that yet.  The texture isn't even similar to pasta, so I'm not sure I could fully embrace that dish.  However, baking the squash (which I call "squish" because I amuse myself for reasons I'm completely unable to explain) and then using a fork to separate the strands, like spaghetti, and eating it with butter, salt and pepper or with butter & brown sugar is so yummy!  It's even good mixed with rice and Chinese food.  I had some leftover Spicy Brocolli and only a little bit of rice, so rather than making more rice (because I'm lazy - I feel certain that we've covered this fact before), I added a clump of the spaghetti squash to the mixture.  It had a great texture and was a bit healthier (or at least less carby) than white rice.  The squish is a bitch to cut before you cook it, fucking rind is HARD, but if you nuke it in the microwave for about 5 minutes and let it cool a bit, it's easier to cut it in half so you can bake it.  Also, I wouldn't have known to do this if Resa hadn't mentioned it, but you can totally roast/bake the squish seeds like you would pumpkin seeds.  They make for a damn tasty little snack!

Speaking of seeds, I've recently become obsessed with black sesame seeds.  I put them on *everything*.  I add them to salads, the aforementioned squish, crackers and cream cheese, asparagus or any steamed vegetable, Chinese food, etc.  They're delicious and nutty tasting with a tiny, little crunch to them.  They're ridiculously high in fat, so I'm not sure what's up with that.  I love seeds and nuts, so finding these and the squish seeds pleases me greatly.

Are you fixated on any foods right now?  Anything you'll pay WAY too much for?  Any spaghetti squash recipes for me?  Know any Canadians who are all stuck up about their delicious syrup?

Sunday, September 27, 2009

I Am Not the Mom of You!

This has been a challenging week at work.  Well, hell, most weeks are challenging, this one has just been mildly more irritating in its challenges.  I was tasked by the VP and Directors to create & head a committee of employees to come up with ways to "fix" the office.  Fix morale, fix shitty attitudes, fix low productivity, fix high turnover.  Yeah, that shouldn't be too hard, right?  I mean, gee, "Here Lainey, in addition to all of your regular responsibilities, we are charging you with changing the attitudes of 370 people of varying personalities, ages, genders, socio-economic backgrounds, etc.  You need to make 370 people 'like each other and like their jobs'.  You're creative and we haven't been able to do it, so here ya' go.  Make it happen!"

So, I'll get on that this week, but I have to make sure I leave time for the following conversations that I have daily:  (I'm not making any of these up.)

Employee #1 - I don't know what to do anymore.  The co-worker in the next cube over eats chips and salsa every afternoon and the smell is killing me.  Can you make her stop or move my desk?

Employee #2 - My co-worker hums.  It's really annoying and I can't take it anymore.  Also, she chews gum pretty loud.  Can you please send out an email telling people to be respectful of the people around them?

Employee #3 - Someone is wearing really strong perfume or lotion and it's giving me a headache.  Can you please send out a reminder email that people shouldn't wear strong scents because some people are sensitive and have allergies?  (By the way, we send this out at least 5 times a year and we cover it EXTENSIVELY in New Hire Orientation.  It doesn't work.)

Employee #4 - My co-worker made fun of me today because I'd never heard of putting sour cream on jojos.  My grandmother is dying and I don't appreciate being made fun of.  Can you please move her to another department or tell her she can only talk to me about work-related things?

Employee #5 - Why do the heavier employees get to wear leggings/stretch pants if the rest of us can't?  I don't think it's fair.  They have stores for bigger people, why can't they get clothes that fit them when we're expected to adhere to the dress code?

Employee #6 - I need copies of my paystubs for the last 12 months.  (Me: did you save any of them?) I have most of them at home, but they're not in any kind of order and I'm missing some, but I don't know which ones and I need them today because I'm trying to get a loan.  Can you just print them all out?  (Without going into the system and individually opening 26 paystubs and reprinting them, no, I can't just print them all out.)

Employee #7 - (Anonymous note on my desk) Please make the supervisors stop calling employees "honey" or "sweetie".  It's insulting and demeaning.  It's unprofessional.  They should be written-up.

Employee #8 - My supervisor has cankles and someone needs to make her wear long pants instead of skirts because it makes me want to puke when I see her legs.  (Ok, I *might* have made this one up, but it's not that far-fetched.)

Employee #9 - Someone stole my Pepsi out of the refrigerator.  This is the 5th time this has happened.  Can we set up a security camera?  (Yes, we'll set up a camera for your $.60 soda.)

Employee #10 (my boss) - Ohmygod, did you watch "Two and a Half Men" last night?  It is HILARIOUS!  God, I love that show!

So, surely I'm not the only one with petty co-workers.  What's the most ridiculous/silly/whiny/petty thing you've heard from your co-irkers or supervisor?  Please help convince me that while my employees are "special", they aren't unique.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

FANfreakinFABULOUS Fall!

Happy No Whining Wednesday and Happy First Full Day of Fall!  (I love alliteration so much because I am a doofy dorkface!)

You guys, I love fall so much.  SOOOOO much!  The trees are just now starting to change and having grown up in San Diego with palm trees & perpetually green leaves, it's still breathtaking to me every year when the trees here change color.  I drive over a bridge (well, two bridges actually, but I'm usually SPEEDING over one of them and I can't look around at the scenery...sorry, tangent...) on my way to work and watching the valley change colors during the next month will make me happy every single morning, if only for an instant; I look forward to it every year.  

I start cooking in fall.  Crock Pot meals that cook all day and smell amazing when I walk in the door after work.  Giant pots of chili simmering.  I might buy a bread machine and see if that's something I like.  I see the pictures Figgy posts (oooh, happy birthday, figster!!!) of the gorgeous loaves of bread and I can only imagine how fantastic fresh baking bread would smell....mmmmm.....yeah, I'm gonna' buy a bread machine! 

I love wearing my fuzzy socks and my flannel jammie pants. I can't wait to wrap myself in my pretty fleece blanket (Sarina's making me a blanket.  Why?  Because she is AWESOME and because she loves me even though I yell at her and shun her.) and curl up with a book.  I love rolling down the windows in my car and turning on my heated seats.  I love wearing darker colors because I look really good in dark purples and dark greens and because I often spill shit down the front of my boobs and I feel darker colors hide it better.  There are just so many things to love about fall!  Even the name, "autumn" sounds beautiful, doesn't it? 

Ok my little sweet potatoes, what's your favorite thing about fall?  (And don't say summer's your favorite season - I don't give a shit.  We're talking about fall.)   What do you look forward to each autumn?

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

No Whining Wednesday Whatchamajiggy

Ok, quick and dirty (no, Cindy, it's not the SEX story...sorry!  BUT, keep checking back.  You never know when the SEXY SEX story might pop up)!

I was at the Amish Market after work today (I got a basket of the most delicious strawberries and this wee basket of tiny pears for 99 cents - I have no idea why I even go to the regular grocery store) and I'm perusing the asparagus when one of the stockboys walks by and kind of trips on ...nothing?... There was a woman about 35ish and her daughter standing next to me.  The mom (quietly & in a sing-songy voice) said to the daughter, "toe pick!"  I giggled like a dork because ...well, because I'm a dork, but also because *I* say that in my head every time I trip (which is a lot, granted, but I don't trip on *nothing*.  I trip on real, tangible things, like lint and dust and AIR!  I'm not a total spaz.)   If you've never seen "The Cutting Edge", you probably have no idea why this is funny to me, but I've seen it 5320 times and I love that stupid ice skating movie so much!

So, there was that little giggle and my bowl of strawberries, grapes, pineapple and pears and I'm pretty content.  It's in the low to mid 70's all week, I have a few new readers (HI there, new readers!!  I don't like saying "followers".  It sounds all Charles Manson-y)  and I'm ready for Wednesday!  I'm not even going to mention (I'm such a lying liar.  I'm TOTALLY gonna' mention it.) how excited I am about new episodes of Bones, The Office, Glee, and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia this week, because there's more to life than teevee, ya' know? (No there's not)

Tell me kids, what good things do YOU have going on this week?  Tell me, tell me, tell me!!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Time to Put on My Big Girl Panties

No, this isn't about how I'm gaining weight (although, if I keep buying caramel apples and banana cake & pretending they count as a fruit, then my ballooning weight might be the next entry), it's about me needing to "man up" and get through tomorrow morning and the next few weeks.

My office crush resigned.  Yesterday, you'll remember, was No Whining Wednesday, so even though this happened at 10:00, I kept my mouth shut (except for a couple of strongly worded emails to Sarina) about it.  It would be sad if he was just my crush, but he's more.  In the last year, he's become my friend.  He's one of the VERY few people I can talk to and in whom I can confide at work.  I can be myself around him and not some robotic HR version of myself.  And, I think, he can be himself around me.  We camp out in each others offices when shit's going down and we've had it with the staff.  On Friday afternoons, we eat chocolate and surf the internet shopping for Movado watches, (which, OMG, do I want one SOOOOO badly [wait, for real, is it 'badly' or 'bad'?  Why can I never remember the rules for adverbs?] but yeah, I can't drop $800 on a watch, but ohhh, so shiny!) and bitch about the retarded decisions the senior executives are making.  I can call him anytime and say, "Got a minute?" and if he's not in a meeting or on a conference call, he says, "Sure, come on up.  Bring chocolate."  Or he'll get finished with a particularly aggravating meeting and he'll come to my office, quietly close the door, sit down in the visitor chair and exclaim (in a loud whisper), "FUCKING IDIOT COCKSUCKERS" and then stand up, nod at me, smile and leave the room.  We get each other.  That's not easy in my position or in his because we always have to be on our best behavior and you never really know who you can trust & a lot of people in upper management are arrogant jerks.  I've trusted him since the "Peanu(t)s" incident, I guess, and he's trusted me since the first time he lost his temper about an employee and dropped the F-Bomb and instead of looking shocked or admonishing him, I laughed. 

So anyway, I've known about it since yesterday, but wasn't allowed to discuss it with anyone until today and that blew!  So when the supervisor called me this morning at 9:03, crying , I started crying and it was just a big ol' crying thing, off and on, for most of the day.  Because, in addition to being all kinds of adorable, he's good at his job and replacing him is going to SUH-HUCK and his supervisor is going to have to pick up the slack until a new director is hired and is up to speed. It's a lot of work. 

The staff will be told tomorrow morning and I have to go sit there, stoicly, and be the "HR Presence" when it's announced and I can't cry or even register any emotion.  My stupid, little, asshole heart is being ripped out right now because I will miss him so much.  With him and Jackie both gone, I have no one at work that I can really talk to.  No one I can be my obnoxious, snarky, sarcastic self with.  I can't talk to anyone when my boss declares that she can't decide who she loves more: Nickelback or Creed...I mean COME ON, I need to be able to laugh with someone about that shit, right? 

This was pretty long and rambling and it really boils down to me being a big, whiny, baby, but I needed to get it out.  It's been eating at my insides and I thought maybe if I got it out, it would be easier to sit impassively at the meeting tomorrow.  If you've read this far and haven't made the "L" for loser sign with your thumb and forefinger, you're a peach.  Thanks for that!

So, in conclusion, do any of you know a cute guy with a Master's Degree in Finance who's looking for a job? 

Wednesday, September 9, 2009



Happy No Whining Wednesday, y'all!

I don't have much to add to this week's entry, but I'm going to dig deep and come up with something.

1)  My skin is really soft right now.  I have no idea why, but I like it and I keep petting my face.

2)  My inappropriate crush on one of the Directors at work is now shared by one of his subordinates!  It's so awesome.  She's the supervisor for his department and we act like dorky, giggly 16-year-olds; calling each other in the morning, "Have you seen him today?" "YES, he looks so adorable!  He's wearing your favorite shirt." "OMG, teeheehee!"  And then I find a reason to go upstairs to her office so we can casually stroll by his office to say "hi".  Yep, I'm a spaz and I don't really care.  It's amusing as hell and the supervisor and I are having a ball acting like moron teenagers.  I'm fairly certain that this will be HILARIOUS when I'm packing my personal belongings in a box and being escorted out of the building...

3)  The President of the United States addressed school children today and I have yet to see a parade of zombified, Commie kids roaming the street attempting to round up Death Panels to kill all the old people - ooh, like "Children of the Corn"!  OUTLANDERS!!  So, yeah, I think that's something good, right?  I mean, think of the HORRORS that could have occurred from THE PRESIDENT addressing innocent schoolchildren and encouraging them to stay in school, work hard and take personal responsibility for their successes and failures.  Oh no, just IMAGINE the horror!!!  Holy balls people are retarded.  
(Ok, so that last one wasn't really a No Whining Wednesday thing, but it needed to be said and it's my blog, so fuck it, I said it.)

4)  Blogger has a new editor, so I can write in red and I can cross out strikethrough and write really big or really small and I can change the font to different styles now.  There are no limits to the AWESOME things I can do ... but, yeah, I'll probably still write in the default style with bold and italics and *s because I'm very lazy and I don't really embrace change.

What's going on with you guys?  Anything new and fun?  Anything sorta boring, but not sucky?  Anything?  Anyone?  Don't be shy! 

Thursday, September 3, 2009

I Should Have Been a Pre-School Teacher...

An employee, in her late 20's/early 30's sent me an email this morning. It read, "I know you're very busy and there's a lot going on, but can I please come down and talk to you? It's not urgent, but it's pretty important." I told her to come down. This is what she said:

Employee: There's a girl in my department who calls me a nickname and *sniff*, I don't know what to dooooooo!

Me: What does she call you?

Emp: Queen Bee

Me: Ok, have you asked her to stop?

Emp: *crying* Nuuhh-uu-hh

Me: Ok. Have you thought about just asking her to not call you that?

Emp: *sniffle* Yes, but I didn't want her to be mad at me. *snuffle* I don't want to cause any problems or anything.

Me: Ok, hmm. Does she say it in a mean way? I mean, does she have an aggressive tone of voice or expression?

Emp: Nuh-uh.

Me: Hmm. Ok. Um, are you here because you'd like me to ask her to stop calling you that?

Emp: *snifflesnort* Whull, yeah. Um, I mean, I don't want to make a big deal out of it or anything because I don't want her to be mad at me.

Me: So, ok...Do you think she would be less upset by being called down to HR & being talked to? Do you think if you just maybe said, "Hey, um, I know you're just goofing around, but can you not call me that?"

Emp: *gulp* Yabbut, I'm afraid if I say something to her about it, she'll get upset & think I'm being a baby.

REALLY???? Why in the world would she ever think you're being a baby? *sigh* How do you function?

People, your Human Resources department is there to help you and make sure you're being treated fairly and everyone's following all the rules and crap, but we are NOT here to be your mom! In fact, if you act like this, your mom should be fucking smacked for failing to teach you to put on your big girl/boy panties and grow the hell up.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Whatcha Watchin'?

I think I watch too much tv. Yeah, I'm actually pretty certain that I do. I am WAY too excited about the new tv season starting! I'm already planning my tv events. I *cannot* wait until "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" comes back on September 17th and I'm looking forward to the new Joel McHale show "Community", which I think also starts on the 17th. I watched the pilot online and it was pretty funny. I really liked the pilot for "Glee" that aired in May and am looking forward to seeing more of it. I think the pilot is being re-aired tonight at 9:00, so if you missed it, you should check it out. It's pretty darling.

I've also succumbed to the "Doctor Who" peer pressure over on Pajiba. Steven Lloyd Wilson's articles really piqued my interest and then Dustin's ringing endorsement finished the job - I need to watch this show. It's available on Instant Viewing through Netflix, so I may try to get in a season or two before the fall network season kicks in and I allow it to suck up all of my free time.

I haven't watched the season finale yet of "Fringe". It's stored on my DVR and I was holding off until right before the new season starts up, but I'm getting antsy because I forgot that stupid FOX doesn't usually start their fall season until after the World Series, which is when? October? I don't know. The fucking Indians are never going to be in the stupid World Series, so I don't really pay any attention. OOOH and then there's basketball - I think that starts up again in like October, so I'm going to be tied to the tube watching the Cavs with the new combo of Lebron and Shaq. Until they start losing and then I'll get bored and unless my dad gets me loge tickets again, I'll go back to not giving a shit about basketball.

It goes without saying (except obviously it doesn't, since I'm going to say it anyway) that I can't wait for "30 Rock" to come back and "The Office" (but only episodes when they don't actually leave the office. Those episodes outside of the office tend to get on my nerves because they're SO slapsticky and over the top). I'm curious to see what Joss does with the second season of "Dollhouse" and to see if Eliza Dushku's acting improved over the summer. I'm betting it didn't, but I'm going to be POSITIVE and hope it does (there's my No Whining Wednesday contribution)!

I'm sure there are other shows I'm missing. "Friday Night Lights" and the final season of "LOST" don't air until next year, so I'm not including them. What am I forgetting? What are you looking forward to watching and are there any returning shows you recommend checking out?

Oh and happy No Whining Wednesday! I've been off work for 4 days in a row, so Wednesday is either going to be a piece of cake (mmmm...cake...) or it's going to irritate the crap out of me to be back at the office. If things start going south, I'm going to really try to remember that it's only a 3-day workweek and then it's a 3-day weekend.

I want to hear from you kids. What are you looking forward to? Tv stuff? Holiday weekend plans? Just general life stuff? What keeps you going through the week?

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Wednesday, You Wily Wascal!

I took a vacation day on Monday, so my week is all jacked up. It's Wednesday already? Wow!

One of the side effects of this No Whining Wednesday EXTRAVAGANZA is that it makes me truly appreciative of the little things in my life. All of the things I take for granted; reliable car, friends I can count on, a good paying job, multiple lip balm options, etc. tend to get lost in the day-to-day grind of life. But equally important, it has also illustrated the incredible generosity of spirit in others. I'd really like to highlight those of you who are giving back and doing good things. You guys are my inspirations and when I'm feeling sorry for myself or am too lazy to take the trash out (it's THREE flights of stairs, ok??? Get off my back!), I think about you and the selfless & generous things you're doing and I feel like a lazy, whiny asshole. So, *obviously* I try not to think of you guys too much...

OnTheVirg is currently participating in a SEVEN HUNDRED mile bike ride to raise money and awareness for Hemophilia. SEVEN HUNDRED MILES. On a bike. I've mentioned this before and I mention it again, because, a) It's 700 freakin' miles! b) On a bike! Nice work, Virg. You're seriously impressive and I wish you lots of luck and I hope your ass doesn't become permanently numb.

Speaking of bike riding - The Falldownasaurus (™ Nicole), TK will be doing a charity bike ride to support lung cancer research and awareness in October. Provided he doesn't break a leg (or arm or front tooth or hip or um, really anything...) before then, I salute him! As a former pack-a-day smoker, I worry about my lungs and whether I've doomed myself to a future of emphysema or lung cancer. I'm thankful that people like TK are raising money to fight and prevent such an ugly disease. If you'd like to support him and donate, please click here. Good luck, TK. You're a good man.

Another cancer warrior is the kind and adorable Girl with Curious Hair. Such a funny and sweet girl, she's out there kicking Lymphoma's and Leukemia's ASSES! She's running with Team in Training to raise money to get rid of that fucking asshole Leukemia and she's doing it in memory of Alabama Pink. You can read her own lovely words here and if you are able to, you can donate here. Good luck, Girl and keep us updated on your training.

I've come across a new blog, via Twitter, that just excites me and makes me happy to know that there are such wonderful, caring and motivated people out there. It's called "It Starts with Us" (it's on my blogroll as Change the World!) and it's all about individuals doing small things (15 minutes a week) to affect the lives of others. This is the post that hooked me and now I look forward to the weekly projects and announcements. Check it out if you have a few minutes. You may find that you have a smile plastered to your face when you're finished.

So, now I want to hear (hear/read, whatever) about who or what inspires you. Who do you admire? What or who makes you smile? Feel free to pimp your pet project in the comments or to post links to your favorite charity or a story that had a positive influence on you.

Happy Wednesday!

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Life: You're Doing it Wrong

So, here's a little entry that's not the SEX story I promised. I'll do it eventually, I swear!

Ok, so, Sarina and I were talking the other night about how flawed the interview process is. (*ahem* Please allow me to submit Exhibit 13...) We started talking about interview questions we've asked & have been asked when trying to get an applicant to open up & reveal their true personality. The weirdest, but maybe the best, interview question that was ever asked of me was:

If you were on the cover of any magazine, what magazine would it be and what would the headline read?

I don't remember what my answer was. I know I said the magazine would be "People", but I can't for the life of me remember what I said for the headline. I just remember PANICKING because I figured that they wanted to see if you'd say something like, "Time: Woman of the Year" or "Entrepreneur: 30 Millionaires Under 30" or something work-related and emphasizing my super work ethic, but of course, my brain is thinking, "Cat Fancy - How to Keep Your Fuzzy Buddy Happy!" or something equally retarded.

So, I ask you. If you were in an interview tomorrow and the question were posed to you, how would you answer it?

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

NWW, Wheeeee!

Hey guys, yeah, I suck. I know. That may or may not have been part of the SEX story I promised you...

I'm finding that between Pajiba, Facebook, Twitter and here, I don't really have that much to say. My boss would find that SHOCKING because I always seem to have plenty of shit to say at work. I think she'd like to institute "No Talking Wednesday". Yeah, that's just not gonna' happen. But really, I just don't have much of anything to write about. If something fun or interesting or annoying happens, I usually put it on Facebook or Twitter and then if I put it here, it seems repetitious (ok, seriously? That's a really hard word to spell!) I'm having trouble coming up with stuff that isn't 400 pages long or just a rehash of my stupid boring days. *sigh* I have no idea why you guys keep coming back. Except for Anna von Beaverplatz. She keeps coming back to see if we're actually the same person. I'm fairly certain that we are. Did you guys read her real time review of The Lost Boys? Ok, go read it. I'll wait.

Speaking of von Beav - we're going to watch Fear Wednesday night. Again, I've published this all over my damn Facebook page, so everyone but Cindy (*ahem*, dude, just come over to the Dark Side. Life is SO much nicer once you just succumb to the Pajiba peer pressure) should have seen the news that we're watching it. I'm pretty excited to watch it because a) it's a REALLY crappy movie, but I love the hell out of it and b) even though he plays a total psycho, it's where my love for Marky Mark was cemented. I love his whispery/raspy voice with the heavy Boston accent. I never had an interest in him when he had his crappy "band" or even when he was a Calvin Klein underwear model. But, as an actor, I dig him. He's got the sexiness.

What else? Oh, Wednesday is my boss's birthday. I'm picking up lunch and bringing a card for everyone to sign. I asked Thirteen if she would pick up a cake or cupcakes. She goes, "Yeah sure. I'll just bring some cookies or something." NO, DUMBASS. CAKE! Whatever. She's really lucky I haven't run over her in the parking lot yet.

I *will* post the SEX story at some point, but I haven't decided yet how much to share & I can't decide if it's even interesting to anyone but me. We'll see. I WILL tell you this though - did you know sells sex toys? Well, they do! Doesn't matter how I know, just say, "thanks for the valuable info, Lainey". You're welcome!

So, you guys up for another round of No Whining Wednesday? Are you still into it? I am! I can't believe the effect it has on my mood. It's amazing the difference I feel when I know that I don't necessarily have to be Suzy Sunshine, but I also know that I can't be Debbie Downer. That second of checking myself before I automatically bitch about something or the energy I redirect from whining to finding something positive in the situation. It really puts me in a better mood from the moment I wake up. Does it do that for you too or are you all just humoring me? I hope it's doing something for each of you. Even if it's just for a couple of minutes a week. Your comments and positive energy are like a drug for me and I look forward to Wednesdays now. Thanks for that!

And now that I've babbled on and on, Happy No Whining Wednesday! Gimme my fix!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


No Whining Wednesday is here AGAIN (Jesus, Wednesdays, what's your hurry and why are you so damn hard to spell? You're like stupid February. What's up with all the extra letters?). Work is kicking my ass and it's taking up most of my attention, which unless I get a promotion and a big ol' honkin' raise, sucks.

I've been trying new things lately; nothing big, just stupid little things here and there. Every time I've gone to the grocery store over the last couple of weeks, I've bought myself fresh flowers and arranged them and turns out, it's kind of relaxing and quite enjoyable to look over at them periodically. I think I'll keep this up! I'm also going to try scallops. Based on Doran and Liz's recommendation, I bought some today and will saute those bad boys up tomorrow night. I cleaned the hell out of my apartment this past weekend and I can't even tell you how much I love Nemo. I just feel like I'm doubling my efforts without doing anything. IT'S SO COOL! What else? Angel-ica and I are getting food Friday and are going to play Wii and laugh and laugh. Angie's laugh is so boisterous and awesome, I defy anyone not to be in a better mood when she's around. Even if she's pissed off, she's still able to laugh.

Speaking of laughing, I am boring the living crap out of myself with this here fancy blog! I have nothing funny or even interesting going on because I'm boring and because stupid work expects me to work, which is really pretty assholey of it when you think about it. Later this week I'll post something about SEX, so you better stick around. There'll be SEX talk and you don't want to miss out on the SEXY SEX! That'll bring you back, right?

So, what good, different or fun things are going on in your lives? Are you up for No Whining Wednesday?

PS: Don't forget the SEX coming later this week...

This is the best I could grab today. It's pretty cute actually. Enjoy and have a great day!


Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Wooosh! Wednesday Already?

I'm starting to think there's some weird time/space thing going on because DAMN, wasn't it *just* Wednesday? Ok, you know what that means. Hey, I have an idea, I'll go first!

As mentioned before, I bought a Roomba, robot vacuum. I've named him Nemo McSuckerbutt. He has a wee, semi-useless (but lucky!) fin jutting out from his side, so "Nemo" seemed a good name. McSuckerbutt, yeah, I don't really have an answer for that. It just popped into my brain and decided to stick there. I'll probably just call it Nemo. Anyway, my point is, I love him! He's vacuuming my kitchen RIGHT NOW! I swear to God, it's like living with the Jetsons.

Also, I took some of your advice and a smidge of my own and I made some plans. Nothing big, nothing fancy, just plans to be NOT in my house. Well, kinda' to be in my house, but to be in my house with OTHER PEOPLE, so that's progress, right? I emailed a couple of Human Resources ladies that I've met at various HR-related shindigs and asked them if they wanted to meet for drinks and to trade war stories and they said yes! We met tonight for a couple of hours and chatted about really boring HR crap, but it wasn't boring to us, it was pretty entertaining. It helped all of us to know that people act like fucking morons everywhere and it's not just our employees and we each took away a couple of ideas for morale building. In fact, I told them about No Whining Wednesday and they're taking it back to their offices to spread the positive vibes! Also, I called my friend Angelica and we made plans to go get dinner next Friday and then come back to my house & watch "The Soup" and play some Wii Sports Resort. Baby steps, baby steps...

Ok, I have to go rehearse a 2-hour, 180-page, idiotic Sexual Harassment and Workplace Violence Prevention presentation for tomorrow. I promise to do my level best to maintain the integrity of No Whining Wednesday, but I may slip into Sorta' Whining Wednesday since I have to go in an hour early AND I have to stand up in front of a group for 2 hours AND not be an asshole while I'm doing it. That's an awful lot!

I hope you all have a wonderful Wednesday and I'm looking forward to reading all about it! If you're looking for inspiration, check out Be The Change. The links will make your heart smile!