Sunday, September 27, 2009

I Am Not the Mom of You!

This has been a challenging week at work.  Well, hell, most weeks are challenging, this one has just been mildly more irritating in its challenges.  I was tasked by the VP and Directors to create & head a committee of employees to come up with ways to "fix" the office.  Fix morale, fix shitty attitudes, fix low productivity, fix high turnover.  Yeah, that shouldn't be too hard, right?  I mean, gee, "Here Lainey, in addition to all of your regular responsibilities, we are charging you with changing the attitudes of 370 people of varying personalities, ages, genders, socio-economic backgrounds, etc.  You need to make 370 people 'like each other and like their jobs'.  You're creative and we haven't been able to do it, so here ya' go.  Make it happen!"

So, I'll get on that this week, but I have to make sure I leave time for the following conversations that I have daily:  (I'm not making any of these up.)

Employee #1 - I don't know what to do anymore.  The co-worker in the next cube over eats chips and salsa every afternoon and the smell is killing me.  Can you make her stop or move my desk?

Employee #2 - My co-worker hums.  It's really annoying and I can't take it anymore.  Also, she chews gum pretty loud.  Can you please send out an email telling people to be respectful of the people around them?

Employee #3 - Someone is wearing really strong perfume or lotion and it's giving me a headache.  Can you please send out a reminder email that people shouldn't wear strong scents because some people are sensitive and have allergies?  (By the way, we send this out at least 5 times a year and we cover it EXTENSIVELY in New Hire Orientation.  It doesn't work.)

Employee #4 - My co-worker made fun of me today because I'd never heard of putting sour cream on jojos.  My grandmother is dying and I don't appreciate being made fun of.  Can you please move her to another department or tell her she can only talk to me about work-related things?

Employee #5 - Why do the heavier employees get to wear leggings/stretch pants if the rest of us can't?  I don't think it's fair.  They have stores for bigger people, why can't they get clothes that fit them when we're expected to adhere to the dress code?

Employee #6 - I need copies of my paystubs for the last 12 months.  (Me: did you save any of them?) I have most of them at home, but they're not in any kind of order and I'm missing some, but I don't know which ones and I need them today because I'm trying to get a loan.  Can you just print them all out?  (Without going into the system and individually opening 26 paystubs and reprinting them, no, I can't just print them all out.)

Employee #7 - (Anonymous note on my desk) Please make the supervisors stop calling employees "honey" or "sweetie".  It's insulting and demeaning.  It's unprofessional.  They should be written-up.

Employee #8 - My supervisor has cankles and someone needs to make her wear long pants instead of skirts because it makes me want to puke when I see her legs.  (Ok, I *might* have made this one up, but it's not that far-fetched.)

Employee #9 - Someone stole my Pepsi out of the refrigerator.  This is the 5th time this has happened.  Can we set up a security camera?  (Yes, we'll set up a camera for your $.60 soda.)

Employee #10 (my boss) - Ohmygod, did you watch "Two and a Half Men" last night?  It is HILARIOUS!  God, I love that show!

So, surely I'm not the only one with petty co-workers.  What's the most ridiculous/silly/whiny/petty thing you've heard from your co-irkers or supervisor?  Please help convince me that while my employees are "special", they aren't unique.

7 comments:

MelodyLane said...

Lainey, people suck. The most ridiculous thing I ever heard was a coworker and supervisor who called in that she was "Allergic to work". She was later fired for dumbassery I think.

Girl With Curious Hair said...

I don't mean to laugh at your suffering, but I can't help but laugh--a lot. Obviously the downside of being stratospherically awesome is that people want you to make everything you touch awesome.

My least favorite co-irker is no longer with the company because she drove everyone nuts. She routinely ignored instructions and deadlines. When I called her on it once and told her to finish something by our afternoon meeting, she came in armed with about 20 pages of printed documents highlighting EVERYONE'S errors--and still not doing what she was told. I do not miss her one bit.

The Management said...

I can relate to alot of those items. Unfortunately most of them come from the public in my situation. My favorite: (over the loss of a $3.65 discount because he mailed a cheque late)

Idiot - "I'm calling my lawyer and suing you! I'll see you in court!"

Me - "Of course you realize that simply calling your lawyer will costy you more than the dicount you lost, right?"

Idiot - "I don't care. It's the principal."

Me - "Bwahahahaha! I'll see you there."

meaux said...

The boss has some very important prospective clients visiting while we're between receptionists. He rushes in and asks my co-irker to sit at the front desk to greet the bigwigs (so we look like a legitimate operation, I guess).

Co-irker does it, but spends the rest of the day slamming books and glowering and sulking that he's "been here eight years and is treated like a f***ing secretary." Guh, when that boy gets in a snit (which happens all too often), he is supremely unpleasant to be around!

Sad thing is, I would have done it cheerfully, but apparently the boss had already told the bigwigs about "our biologist who has an M.Sc.," so he couldn't have me play receptionist...somehow, I don't think knowing that would have made co-irker feel any less resentful....

Lainey said...

Melody - Heeee, I'm going to see if we can add this to our Corrective Action forms! I would really enjoy giving someone their First Written Warning for General Dumbassery.

Girl - Wow, glad you got rid of that one! Why do people think that listing other people's errors negate their own? Such a weird concept to me.

Mngmt - A) No wonder you opened StabbyMart. Gah. B) Holy BALLS, look at you in your little suity suit! ROWR!

meaux - I can't stand it when people get all big for their britches and can't just take one for the team occasionally. Sorry you frequently have to deal with his attitude.

Oh and PS: In case it wasn't clear in the post, I don't blame any of these people for being irritated with their co-workers. I just get frustrated that they don't seem to understand that when you work with 360 people, you're going to be bothered by others' behaviors sometimes and that they all think it's my job to fix it for them. Trust me, if I had the power to fix annoying people, I would have done something with the fucking receptionist a LONG time ago!

Whorish Mouth said...

You are totally right, sometimes you have to put on your big girl panties and suck it up.
My biggest petty gripes at work (I stress PETTY-I have bigger fish to fry)...
-OMG the lights just flickered, boo storms-
...sorry for the interruption, are 1. Not flushing. Ew. I should not be subjected to your excrement. This is never acceptable. Ever.
2. Strong perfumes/colognes. The issue is, the wearer doesn't realize that the more they wear scents, the less sensitive they are to it, so they don't realize they smell like a French whorehouse. Ladies are usually more guilty of this, especially those who wear what I like to call "old lady perfume". I'm looking at you, White Diamonds.
3. Having a loud meeting/conference call and not closing the damn conference room door. Especially when you're squatting in another department. Assholes. Shut up. Other people are trying to think of witty comments for scathing movie review sites.
Booooooo work.

Lainey said...

Whorish Mouth - We have the automatic toilets, but sometimes they don't do an adequate job and do you think any of those bitches will manually flush? No. The answer is no, they will not. They are gross. And I TOTALLY empathize with the strong perfume thing. We have a few and no matter how nicely they're told or how many "All Employee" emails get sent, they don't seem to think it's them because they can't smell it. Stinky bitches.