Time to Put on My Big Girl Panties

No, this isn't about how I'm gaining weight (although, if I keep buying caramel apples and banana cake & pretending they count as a fruit, then my ballooning weight might be the next entry), it's about me needing to "man up" and get through tomorrow morning and the next few weeks.

My office crush resigned.  Yesterday, you'll remember, was No Whining Wednesday, so even though this happened at 10:00, I kept my mouth shut (except for a couple of strongly worded emails to Sarina) about it.  It would be sad if he was just my crush, but he's more.  In the last year, he's become my friend.  He's one of the VERY few people I can talk to and in whom I can confide at work.  I can be myself around him and not some robotic HR version of myself.  And, I think, he can be himself around me.  We camp out in each others offices when shit's going down and we've had it with the staff.  On Friday afternoons, we eat chocolate and surf the internet shopping for Movado watches, (which, OMG, do I want one SOOOOO badly [wait, for real, is it 'badly' or 'bad'?  Why can I never remember the rules for adverbs?] but yeah, I can't drop $800 on a watch, but ohhh, so shiny!) and bitch about the retarded decisions the senior executives are making.  I can call him anytime and say, "Got a minute?" and if he's not in a meeting or on a conference call, he says, "Sure, come on up.  Bring chocolate."  Or he'll get finished with a particularly aggravating meeting and he'll come to my office, quietly close the door, sit down in the visitor chair and exclaim (in a loud whisper), "FUCKING IDIOT COCKSUCKERS" and then stand up, nod at me, smile and leave the room.  We get each other.  That's not easy in my position or in his because we always have to be on our best behavior and you never really know who you can trust & a lot of people in upper management are arrogant jerks.  I've trusted him since the "Peanu(t)s" incident, I guess, and he's trusted me since the first time he lost his temper about an employee and dropped the F-Bomb and instead of looking shocked or admonishing him, I laughed. 

So anyway, I've known about it since yesterday, but wasn't allowed to discuss it with anyone until today and that blew!  So when the supervisor called me this morning at 9:03, crying , I started crying and it was just a big ol' crying thing, off and on, for most of the day.  Because, in addition to being all kinds of adorable, he's good at his job and replacing him is going to SUH-HUCK and his supervisor is going to have to pick up the slack until a new director is hired and is up to speed. It's a lot of work. 

The staff will be told tomorrow morning and I have to go sit there, stoicly, and be the "HR Presence" when it's announced and I can't cry or even register any emotion.  My stupid, little, asshole heart is being ripped out right now because I will miss him so much.  With him and Jackie both gone, I have no one at work that I can really talk to.  No one I can be my obnoxious, snarky, sarcastic self with.  I can't talk to anyone when my boss declares that she can't decide who she loves more: Nickelback or Creed...I mean COME ON, I need to be able to laugh with someone about that shit, right? 

This was pretty long and rambling and it really boils down to me being a big, whiny, baby, but I needed to get it out.  It's been eating at my insides and I thought maybe if I got it out, it would be easier to sit impassively at the meeting tomorrow.  If you've read this far and haven't made the "L" for loser sign with your thumb and forefinger, you're a peach.  Thanks for that!

So, in conclusion, do any of you know a cute guy with a Master's Degree in Finance who's looking for a job? 

Lainey Yap

Lagniappe
la·gniappe \ˈlan-ˌyap \

Etymology:
American French, from American Spanish la ñapa the lagniappe, from la + ñapa, yapa, from Quechua yapa something added

: a small gift given a customer by a merchant at the time of a purchase ; broadly : something given or obtained gratuitously or by way of good measure; a little something extra :


You guys are my lagniappe.

I started this thing as a distraction. When Michael and I ended our relationship, I didn't know what to do with all of my time. I started spending more time at Pajiba (It's true. Ask the IT guys at work. They can probably tell you exactly how much time I spend at the 'jiba) and eventually dipped my toe in to comment. I had been reading for a while and I trusted that TK, AlabamaPink and socalledonlycousins** wouldn't let anyone rip me up too badly. No one did and slowly, but surely, I got more comfortable posting there.

I started this here fancy blog thing and really didn't expect anyone to read it. I especially never expected anyone to read it with any regularity. It was mostly a place to spew my random babbling. It has become so much more.

I consider you guys my friends. I consider you guys my confidants. I consider you guys my support system.

You're my lagniappe. Thank you.

You're my good thing for No Whining Wednesdays!

I'd also like to highlight a good deed (and there are actually MANY I'd like to draw attention to and I hope to do this every week) from a guy who makes me laugh & also gets me to say, "awwww" from time to time. He doesn't post often enough *cough*, but I figure he's probably pretty busy with training and with running a small zoo out of his home. If you have a moment or two, check out his blog (which, when he updates it *cough* is very entertaining) and read about his bike ride of 700 miles in 7 days! Wait, read that again - SEVEN HUNDRED MILES on a bike! I can't ride 700 miles in a CAR without whining about it! He's riding to raise funds to help folks with hemophilia. 700 miles! On a bike! His blog is called "My Taste in Wine Leans Towards Vodka" and it won't kill you to go read a few words and hopefully donate a few bucks to a very worthy cause.

Ok, so what do you guys have going on? Big plans for No Whining Wednesday? Do you even care that tomorrow is Wednesday? I want to hear about the good things in your lives! Seriously, even if it's relatively minor or seemingly insignificant. If it made you stop for even a few seconds and think, "oh hey, that's a good thing", then my evil plan worked. I'm gonna' be looking forward to Wednesday for the first time since LOST went on hiatus...Oh LOST, I miss you so much...luscious manlocks, dirty, dimpled Sawyer... wait, what? Sorry, distracted by thoughts of shirtless, wet, snarky Sawyer... wait, what?

Where were we? Oh yeah, please share your small victories, happy thoughts, compliments, successes, or a moment of gratitude. Happy Wednesday!


** It was like 4 months before I figured out that Ted Boynton, The Boozehound and socalledonlycousins was the same person. I'm wicked smaht!

Crabbypants McGee

So, I might be taking a break from Pajiba for a bit. It's just not that fun for me anymore. Ever since the April Fool's prank, I'm just not loving it. I'm still a bit bitter and kind of hurt, I guess. I feel like the little community that was created was destroyed. Not just destroyed by the staff, but also by the nameless "me too-ers" who were brave enough to chime in about feeling excluded, but not brave enough to ever post so they could be included. Logic like that confounds me. The timing of it was so crappy, too. We had all just come together to say goodbye to 'Manda and everyone was feeling all Kumbaya and shit and then, *splat*. Anything for a joke, right?

The regular old time crew, socalled, Sarina, Julie, PissBoy, jM, jamiepants and others I'm not remembering right now, appear to have stepped back into the shadows - oh, Shadows of Dakaron, that's who I forgot! - and it's a few new people and a few of us regulars and we're trying so hard to not let anything go off topic or offend anyone lurking that it's not really organic or entertaining to me anymore. Maybe I'm just cranky in general and need a nap.

Regardless, I miss the goofy. I miss the zombies. I miss SKITZ! And while it did irritate me on occasion, (and yes, I participated on occasion as well) I miss the sexual banter. The cheesy flirtations and the downright dirty flirty. I miss the silliness. I miss my friends.

This probably didn't warrant an announcement, but I'm really rather bummed about it, so I figured I'd share. Maybe this is all a bunch of word vomit and I'll change my mind tomorrow. Who knows? I may still read a bit when I'm supposed to be working, because seriously, how much work can they expect me to actually do? But, I don't think I'll be hanging out there as much. If anything super fun pops up, let me know, 'k? I'm still on the Facespace and visiting all of your blogs and I still love you all to pieces, but for now anyway, I'm gonna' find something else to do with my screwing around on the internet time.

Decisions, Decisions...

I have nothing going on. Nothing to post about. BUT, I know that you guys are probably just dying to know what’s going on with me. I’m sure you’re furiously emailing each other going, “where’s Lainey? What’s she doing? What’s going on in her life? I NEED TO KNOW! I NEEEEEEEED TO KNOW, DAMMIT!”

Settle down, lovelies, it’s ok. Shhh, *stroking your hair* it’s ok. I’m here now.

I finally got my taste buds back. YAY. But now, because I simply cannot live without conflict and self-created drama, I can’t decide what to eat. This happens almost every day. I have too many choices. I will probably end up eating a handful of peanuts and microwave popcorn because I simply cannot choose between all of the wonderful food in my kitchen. Here are my choices:

Homemade chili and naan
Freakin’ AWESOME pasta salad with chicken
Chicken with mashed potatoes, cauliflower, asparagus and edemame
Chicken with sweet potatoes, cauliflower, and cranberry orange sauce
Turkey sausage & pierogies and applesauce
Spaghetti, garlic bread and salad
Eggs, turkey sausage, toast and half an orange and some blueberries
Leftover pizza
Grilled cheese, sweet potato fries and an apple
Shrimp, wild rice and asparagus
Crab legs, baked potato, cauliflower and edemame
Black bean soup and naan
Hard-boiled egg, string cheese, crackers, hummus, and an orange
Special K Blueberry cereal (which is good, but doesn’t taste like blueberries. Tastes like purple.)

PLUS, I can’t decide what to drink. Should I have Diet Coke with Splenda? Diet Barq’s? Orange juice? Grape juice? Lemonade? Diet Pepsi? Plain water? Protein water? AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGH! I could have had a V8!

My wee brain cannot make a decision. All of these delicious foods are in my refrigerator or pantry right now. It’s not a matter of which would take longer to make or what one is healthier than the other. I simply can’t decide. This happens almost every day. Seriously. It’s really bad. Sometimes, I just go to bed without eating because I literally can’t choose. And then sometimes, I just say, “fuck it” and go to Chipotle.

I have little doubt that you’re thinking, “You’re a dick. If this is your biggest problem in life, you need to shut the hell up. People are starving in other parts of the world.” I know. I realize how unbelievably lucky I am and I’m truly grateful. I don’t mean for this to come off as whining or “oh woe is me, I can’t decide what to shove in my fat little face today. Wahhhhhhhh!” I’m just putting it out there as more of an example of what a freak I am.

Also, I believe careful readers will notice that motherfucking pine nuts are not included in any of the above menu options. Fucking pine nuts.

Tell Me Good News, Man...

There was a time not very long ago when my boss and I were both a bit overwhelmed. We were terribly understaffed, we were drowning in mounds of paperwork, we had management staff throwing us overboard every chance they had and we felt like our days would never end. We used to play a game every day. I called it, “Tell Me Good News”. (I’m not gonna’ lie – I stole the line from the movie Speed. Say what you will, it’s one of my favorite crappy movies EVER and I watch it every single time it’s on cable.)

Things have been going better at work for us. Our office is pretty well staffed (fingers crossed that saying that doesn’t jinx us and bring about a mass exodus Monday…), the paperwork has been filed or otherwise “handled”, and management seems to have decided we’re not total idiots or they’re too busy to notice that we’re still idiots sometimes. Since things have calmed down we haven’t played the game and I’ve realized that I rarely stop and think about things I’m grateful for or things that make me happy, or hell, things that make my day slightly less sucky.

So, I want to start playing “Tell Me Good News” again. I want to make sure that I notice at least ONE good thing each day rather than only bitching about the bad things. My hope is that some of you may want to play, too. The rules are very simple. Anyone can play and all you need to do is list one good thing that you did or saw or heard or read about today. You can ABSOLUTELY add more than one, but you need to have at least one. Any questions so far?

I’ll start:

1) I LOVE my Wii Fit! LOVE it. I never thought I’d enjoy exercising and for once, I really, really do.

2) This week, I’ve cooked fish and eaten hummus for the first time and turns out? Really good! I like them both and I’m looking forward to trying more new foods that are better for me than the crap I normally eat.

3) One more – According to Google Reader, SEVEN people read this dribble on a semi-regular basis. 7! That just makes me so happy that at least 7 people pretend to give a rat’s ass about my blatherings. Thanks, guys!

Ok, I’m looking forward to seeing your responses. Don’t leave me hanging!

What Can Brown Do For YOU?

The UPS guy comes to my office at least twice a week (sometimes more if I’m on an Amazon.com kick). He’s my age, nice looking, tan, well-built *amazing* blue eyes. Personality? Yeah, not so much. Kind of dull. Hard to talk to, but when you do get him talking he can be kind of funny. I’ve been mildly flirting with him every time he comes in for at least 2 years, more out of boredom than any real interest. Recently, like the last 8 months or so, he’s started flirting back. He’ll stop and chat for a while if I’m up at the front desk covering for one of our receptionist’s 536 breaks a day. If I’m in my office and the door’s open, he’ll pop his head in to say hi. (My office is right off of the lobby.) Lately, he’s started leaving notes on my computer if he stops by and I’m not there.

Ok, so a couple of weeks ago I was up at the front desk (which, by the way, will probably be the topic of another blog very soon. I’m getting really sick of stopping what I’m doing so the fucking receptionist can disappear for 10 or 15 minutes whenever she feels like it. And I think we already know how I feel about the receptionist. See: Dear Receptionist for clarification. Sorry for the tangent!) and Mr. UPS came in to deliver some packages. We were chitchatting and I asked him what he did over the weekend. He told me he went to his brother’s on Saturday and then he was trying to remember what he did on Friday. Finally he said, “oh yeah, I went on a date”. Smartass that I am, I replied, “wow, must have been a good one if you can’t remember it 2 whole days later!” He said, “it was ok, we went to Kent.” And I asked, "why, is she 20"? (Kent is a college town. It’s where Kent State is and really, unless you live in Kent or have a kid who attends the university, there is no reason why someone in their mid to late 30’s should be hanging out in Kent. Just my opinion…) He laughed and said “no, it’s just more laid back than downtown. It has a more relaxed vibe.” I suggested that if he was looking for a cool, laidback, atmosphere that was slightly more upscale and age appropriate, he might want to check out Tremont in Cleveland. He said I should take him there. I chuckled and said he should take me there. He then asked for my number.

Wait, what??? I was NOT expecting that! Umm, ok.

Fast forward one week – he hadn’t called. Frankly, I’m totally ok with that. Now he’s delivering yet another of my Amazon boxes. He asked me what it was and I opened it and showed him. Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman (really good, so far. I recommend it!) and “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”. He looks at the cover and says, “Never heard of it. Must be a chick movie.”

::blinks:: Wha?? Huh??

A) Who’s never heard of “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” and
B) How in the world is it a ‘chick movie’?

Hmmm. Interesting. I’m starting to get a hinky feeling…

Around 5:15 my cell rings and it’s a number I don’t recognize. Typically, I won’t answer my phone while I’m at work unless it’s my dad or someone returning my call, but since I was getting ready to leave I answered it. It was Mr. UPS. We bantered back and forth for a few minutes while I locked up and walked to my car. As I’m driving toward home he asked me where I was. I said I was just getting to the Interbelt (side note, The Interbelt is a stretch of highway that for some reason, no one uses. It’s also the name of a local gay bar.) He kind of sneers, “You go to the Interbelt”?

Red Flag. Danger, Will Robinson.

I replied, that yes, if I want to go dancing there’s no better place to go. He asked, “really? I thought you liked men”? Hmmm. I’m sensing something I don’t like here. I answered that gay guys are in fact men, contrary to the opinion of some people in Ohio. He kind of stammered and said, “you know what I mean”. Whatever dude. You don’t have to be “down with the gays”, that’s cool, but don’t be a dick about it. I chatted for another couple of minutes and then said I had to go. A couple of days later he sends me a text: “What R U doing”. Dear God.

Lainey Fun Fact #2 – I’m not a fan of texting, but I’ll do it. I can’t fucking stand ‘text speak’ though! Really, does it take that much longer to add a couple of extra letters and some punctuation? Really, you’re ok with looking borderline illiterate to someone you barely know? Really?

Ok, so I wrote back, “Just trying to get out of here and start my weekend.” He replied, “me 2”. I didn’t reply. A few minutes later he sent another text, “Big plans for the weekend?” Hmmm, spelling whole words AND using punctuation? Maybe he’s getting it… I wrote back, “Surprisingly, yes! You?” and then he screwed the pooch: “nt sure. MaB. Wen u tkg me 2 cleveland” Seriously?

I’m done. I’m sure he’s a lovely man and would make a fantastic date for someone. Just not for me. I have visions of him stenciling “Git R Done” on his F150, cranking Toby Keith while gleefully yelling “Faggots” as he drives past the Interbelt (the bar, not the stretch of highway). I fear the only reading he does is the Sports Illustrated he keeps on the back of his toilet and I have little doubt that his favorite show is “According to Jim”. Am I stereotyping and being snooty? Yeah, I totally am. I could be wrong - I don’t think so and I don’t really care. I’m fairly convinced that he’s just not my cuppa tea. However, this does present a bit of an issue. How do I politely untangle myself from this without offending him? I’m going to have to see him occasionally and I don’t want it to be more awkward than necessary. Any suggestions?

Who am I? Who am I? I'm a walrus...

Ok, so why am I doing this? I’ve always enjoyed writing. It’s one of the few things that comes easily to me and that I actually think I’m good at. (Ending the preceding sentence with a preposition notwithstanding.) I’ve heard from several people throughout my life that I write well and that I should pursue it as a career. Yeah, that never really interested me. Lainey Fun Fact #1 – if I have to do something, I don’t want to do it. Ever. Doesn’t matter what it is. If I have to eat 2 Krispy Kreme doughnuts, I don’t want to do it. If I have to make out with a super cute, successful, kind, funny guy– kinda' don’t really want to ( I probably WILL though, I’m not stupid) – also, I think that’s called molestation or coercion or something if I have to do it. Anyway, tangent…sorry, happens a lot though so you may want to get used to it. If I had to write to pay my bills, I would be miserable and living in my car.

So, why am I doing this? I’m not entirely sure, but I think I need a distraction. I think I always need a distraction. I think I need something to replace my last distraction. I think I need something that’s secret and mine. Something I don’t need to defend or explain. Something that I get some degree of satisfaction from, but it doesn’t monopolize my life.

Here’s the hard part though. How much do I share and how much do I keep hidden? If it’s anonymous and no one I know will read it, I should, theoretically, be able to be completely honest and not have to censor myself at all, right? However, if this becomes in any way interactive and I “get to know” readers or other bloggers, then it’s not anonymous anymore even if no one knows my real name or knows me in real life. Such a conundrum. Why must I make even the simplest things difficult? See above: distraction.

So here goes – in “real life”, I’m an open book. I have no filter between my brain and my mouth. If I think it, I say it. This is surprisingly acceptable in my job, which is so weird since I’m in Human Resources. Oddly enough, I can keep stuff about work totally and completely quiet and confidential. I have no interest in (& am prohibited from) talking about other people’s salaries or corrective actions or other work-related drama. But, in my personal life I will tell you anything you want to know and probably many, many, many things you don’t want to know. I tend to overshare. I’m going to try to balance that here. I’d like to be able to be completely honest, but I don’t want to give away details of my personal life that, should we meet on the street someday, you’ll shrink away from me and hope you don’t catch something. That was a joke. Or was it?* Balancing act…


* It was, in fact, a joke. God, I already suck at this intrigue thing…