Sunday, December 7, 2008

Incompetence, Thy Name is Dianne

One of our Directors (not the one I have a crush on) is quite possibly retarded. When I first started at my company, I was her Administrative Assistant. She used to forward all of her documents to me to print because a) she couldn’t figure out how to see the whole thing on the computer screen and b) she couldn’t figure out how to format it to print properly if it wasn’t already set to print on one page. I would come in every morning and have 10 – 15 emails from her saying, “please print”. One time she called me to come fix her printer. I walked in, looked at it from across the room, went over to it and pressed a button. It made a noise. She gasped and said, "how’d you DO that?” I replied, "I turned it on.”

Another time, after I had moved to a different building and a position in HR, she called me to repair her printer. (Btw, we have an IT department. Not sure why she always calls me.) I asked her if it was on. She said, “YES, I’m not STUPID!” So, I walked over to her building, went to her giant office that she doesn’t deserve, and looked at her printer. It was out of paper. Nope, you’re not stupid…

She paged me out of a meeting once because she was trying to send an email to the Regional Vice President, but every time she typed, nothing would show up on the screen. I tried to talk her through it on the phone, but was getting nowhere. I went to her giant office that she doesn’t deserve and highlighted the text in her email. I looked at it for a second and then glanced up – her font was set to pale yellow. *ahem* Nope, not stupid...

Last week, she was babbling about something in my office, which is not giant and I totally deserve, and she asked me if I was still living in my same apartment. I said that I was (it’s an attic apartment in an old brownstone. It’s super cute and I call it my little dollhouse) and that I have a really loud neighbor. She said maybe I should stomp around and be loud back. I said, “yeah, maybe. I’m so quiet, you wouldn’t even know anyone lives there. I act as though I’m living in the attic with Anne Frank”. She replied, “WHO?” I said, “umm, you know? Anne Frank? She and her family lived in an attic, while they were hiding from Nazis?” She looked at me and said, and I swear to God I’m not making this up, “Helen Keller’s friend was on the run from Nazis????”

She makes $122,000 a year. Plus bonus. I fucking hate her.

8 comments:

Girl With Curious Hair said...

The reason she doesn't call IT is because they would laugh out loud at her stupidity. Also, most IT departments charge for their services. You may want to encourage her to run for public office in Scottsdale, AZ--where their last mayor would call 911 for directions each time she got lost. They'd LOVE her there.

And seriously, $122k? I'm SO underpaid.

Sarah said...

Oh, Lainey. You are way too nice to people! If I ever met that lady, within five minutes I'd either have her straightened out, or at the very least I'd guarantee she'd never voluntarily talk to me again.

You know, now that I think about it, it's downright shocking that I've never been fired.

Lainey said...

GwCH, OMG, she would totally do something like that! I'm not even kidding. She would make a great mayor, too. She's AWESOME at delegating, but she doesn't actually do any work. I was her assistant, so I know this for a fact. True story!

Sarah, I've tried being mean to her. She's too stupid to get it! She thinks I'm being funny. She would think you were a RIOT!

Jeremy Feist said...

Oh, Lainey darling, PLEASE for the love of God put this poor woman out of her...well, OUR misery, anyways. I'm just saying, ANYBODY could have spilt some drain-o into her coffee a la Heathers.

Lainey said...

"CornNuts!"
::crash::
Hahahaaa!!!

Sofía said...

Wow... I suddenly value my co-workers a whole lot more.

"Hellen Keller's friend was on the run from the Nazis?"

heeheheheehe.... I love and hate stupid people.

Jay said...

But....that doesn't even make sense then! She couldn't even get Anne's last name right? Hell, I'm almost sad that this amazing one-liner doesn't work because they don't have the same last name!

I find it very important, crucial even, that my boss be able to do my job, after having one or two who could NOT. I'm kinda shocked that there's people who *expect* me to just sort of mind over things and fix problems when they occur while they're working harder than me, but I *can* still do it (a big secret to having that kind of positive status, I've found, is LEAVE THEM ALONE until they need you. Should I write a damn book?).

Lainey said...

Jay, my sweet, this is gonna' hurt. She didn't just confuse Anne Frank and Anne Sullivan. She had never heard of Anne Frank! I gave her a brief synopsis and I'm not even kidding, she asked me if there was a book or movie about it because "that story would make a really good book."

Oh and if you ask her, she not only knows how to do my job, she has many, many, many suggestions as to how I can do my job better.