Sunday, December 28, 2008

It's very...sparkly!

So, I didn't get any Christmas presents from my dad this year, 'cause he was kind of busy. But, perhaps it's better this way. My dad may be really sick and was in danger of dying, but he’s still really crappy at picking out presents for me. Don’t believe me? Here. I’ll *show* you gifts from years past.



The object on the left? That’s a cat purse. Why? Because I have a cat. Duh. It’s beaded and spangly and ummm, unnecessary. The thing with the Jack-O’-Lantern on it is a shirt. He bought it because it was “festive” and I didn’t have to just wear it at Halloween, I could wear it anytime during the fall season. That’s what he said. He also spent $28 plus tax on it. Yep.

The lovely item below is a poinsettia pin. Again, it’s “festive”. It’s also the size of my hand. He said I could pin to my hat. ‘Cause evidently, it’s 1933 in his world. Also, in case you can’t tell, it’s made entirely of sequins. So, it’ll totally match the cat purse and the pumpkin shirt.



Next up? I asked for wine glasses or a toaster oven one year. Here’s what I got!



You probably can’t see it very well, but it’s a lovely gold turtle with a bejeweled enamel shell. It opens, too! You can put 3 paperclips, a thumbtack or a piece of chewed gum in there. Maybe a teeny earring. The shell is the size of a walnut. So, you know, picture that along with his words of, “I thought you could put it on your desk and it would be a colorful paperweight AND neat to hold things in.” I’m not even lying. I wish that I was. I don’t work in an office where wind comes whipping down the hallways, so the need for a paperweight isn’t overly urgent and as for storing things in it, how about my wishes and dreams for a toaster oven or wine glasses? Will it hold them or are they too big to fit in the tiny, sparkly shell?

One year he bought me a fur stole. Real fur. Real bitty feet hanging down. You’re supposed to wear it around your neck before you kill people and eat their faces, I think. WTF? This man has known me my whole life. He was there when he had to remove me from the movie theater, WAILING, while watching “Bambi”. He was there when I had to remove myself from the movie theater, SOBBING, while watching “Benji”. I wasn’t allowed to watch westerns with him when I was a kid because I would cry every time one of the horses got shot. Fake animal distress upset me that much. So, OBVIOUSLY a real dead animal draped around my neck is the perfect choice for a gift.

I honestly can’t figure out if he thinks I’m still a 9-year old girl or if he thinks I’m my 86-year old great aunt. Or a Gypsy...

6 comments:

Sofi said...

This is wihout a doubt the greatest post in the history of the world.

Julie said...

Lainey, I would stab my grandmother for that cat purse.

Lainey said...

Sofi, is there an award or trophy for that? 'Cause I'm not gonna' lie, that would be AWESOME!

Julie, that kind of violence is not even necessary, young lady. My dad can hook you up with a place where you can get a whole SET of beaded cat paraphernalia. Also? If you're sweet to me, maybe I'll bring it to you when/if I come to Philly.

jamiepants said...

Your dad is BEAUTIFUL. Seriously. With the first gift, I woulda all been like, "Um, really?" Second, "Wow, you were serious." Third to eternity, "Dad, you are AWEsome."

Sarah Booz said...

No updates in a while, everything okay?

We're on the same page today. I posted earlier about having to be physically removed from a movie theatre during a dog movie.

Weird!

Lainey said...

Thanks for asking - Dad's recovery is going really well. I'll get back to posting soon, I hope. I'm a rotten daughter and a rottener blog updaterer...