Thursday, November 27, 2008

Melancholy Moment

This isn't my normal kind of post, not that I really have a regular type of post. Shit, I haven't even updated this thing in 2 months, but it's screaming in my head to come out. I'll probably delete it later, but I thought I'd get it out for now. The holidays suck for me normally, but this year, they seem to suck a tidge more. I'm really hoping this malaise doesn't last until January.

I don’t know why I still love him. He’s a shit person. He never really loved me and he subtly (and sometimes, not so subtly), never let me forget it. He made me feel bad about myself without ever saying a word. He was killing time with me and I knew it. I wanted it to be different, but it wasn’t and it never would be. And yet, I still love him. I still miss him. I still want him back. What the fuck is wrong with me that I would want that? What is wrong with me that I miss someone I never had? 4 years together, but I never really had him.

He didn’t abuse me. He wasn't mean. He didn't yell. He didn’t mistreat me. He just kept me at arms length. He just didn't love me.

I still dream about him. In fact, more now than I did when we were together and more now than I did when he first left. The dreams are usually the same. I can smell him; his shampoo and deodorant and soap, the slight hint of cigarette smoke. Usually, he apologizes to me. Usually, I forgive him. I always touch his hair. Doesn’t matter if it even fits in the dream, I always manage to touch his hair. One time, he wrapped his arms around me and buried his face in the back of my neck, fingers laced with mine and he said he was sorry. He told me he missed me. He said all the things I wanted to hear for so long. I woke up crying and I could still smell him. And feel his breath on my neck. And I missed him. GOD, I missed him.

Most days I’m fine. It’s been 8 months; I should hope I’d mostly be fine by now! But some days, especially this time of year, are harder than others. I miss cooking for us. I miss buying frilly lingerie to entice him. I miss him fixing my car or taking out the trash or just changing a light bulb for me and then teasing me about being so short. I miss him burning CDs for me and I miss buying him his favorite movies and eating 4 different kinds of ice cream, because we couldn't pick just one, while we watched them together. I miss his sarcastic and hilarious texts. I miss feeling his hand on my hip.

There’s so much I don’t miss. SOOO much. But sometimes, like tonight, I just miss his presence.


Jeremy Feist said...

Oh Lainey, if there's one thing I learned, it's that there's no pain like loving someone who doesn't love you back. It's not the sharp pain, the kind that cuts through the nerve and separates you from the hurt, but rather a dull pain, like you're suddenly beneath the ocean, and everything moves slowly and you can't breathe. The worse part is that you never really get over it, that the missing will continue, but you learn to carry it with you. Chin up, Lainey dahling, you'll learn to carry the heavy things

Lainey said...

Thanks Jeremy! That was beautiful and sad. And it's exactly how I feel. Well, not beautiful. That came out sounding super conceited...

What I mean is, your response is lovely and it perfectly encapsulates my feelings and mood. I hope, for my sake, that you're wrong though. I hope the missing goes away one day. I can't conceive of this kind of emptiness and longing for years to come.

jamiepants said...

The thing about blogs that kind of bugs me is that people very rarely treat them like a diary like they used to (or maybe we're just getting older and emotional diatribes are just rare...)
Point being, thank you. This post made me hunt on Facebook and here to try to find out where you live so I can hang out with you. (Where the fuck *do* you live? OOH I'll check Pajiba next.)
My ex and I were exactly like this the last year of our relationship. I just stayed with him through it even though I knew it. Somehow that made it I could get over him with him still being there. That made it completely easy to just let go when we finally did break up.
That being said...who doesn't know that moment when you miss them despite all of the reasons that you shouldn't?
In conclusion, Fuck that dude. =)

Lainey said...

Thank you, jamiepants. I was very nervous about putting something so girlie and whiny on here, but it actually made me feel a bit better and I've had really great messages from people about it. Thanks everyone for your support!

Oh, we are SOOO hanging out! But in your neck of the woods as it is so much awesomer than mine - Ohio...yeah, you can say it. Ewww.

We can drink many cocktails and talk about ex-jerkwads named Michael. Oooooh, we should totally start a club! Or a facespace group....