Sunday, January 18, 2009

OMG Update to the Update!

I just got back from visiting my dad and my cousin Bethann was there. Beth seems to have skipped the section on “appropriate conversation”. Lainey Fun Fact #3 – I am not in the least bit prudish. In fact, it’s entirely possible that I fall more on the whorish side of the line than the other. I say this not because I’m proud of being a big ol’ slut (I AM, but that’s not what this is about), but to make sure you understand that I’m neither priggish nor easily shocked.

My dad, Beth and I were in the family room watching the game. It’s nearing halftime and Beth says to me, “so, are you dating anyone?” I said “no, not really. I’ve gone out on a couple of dates since Michael and I split up, but nothing big.” Then she said, “Yeah, after my divorce, it was really weird going out with new men. Every time you’d start screwing around, it would get weird. We weren’t raised to be so free with the blowjobs, you know?”

True, we grew up when oral sex was something you did WAAAY after you’d been with someone for a while. It wasn’t an appetizer like it is now, but still, is it necessary to have this discussion right this very minute?

Then, she yells (because as previously mentioned, no one in her family talks at a normal volume) to my father, her 63-year-old uncle and says,

“Uncle Denny? What is up with guys and skull fucking? Does it really feel better or is it a power thing? What’s your opinion?”

OHMYHOLYFUCKINGGOD!!

She did NOT just ask my father, in front of me, what his opinion on *skull fucking* is?!?

She is either an evil genius and messing with me for sport or she is truly one of the most inappropriate people I’ve ever known. I’m leaning more toward the second one only because no one would ever call Beth a genius. Evil, maybe. Genius, umm, no.

When people ask me why I don’t really enjoy spending time with my family, I think I may just drop this little gem on them.

6 comments:

Anna von Beaverplatz said...

Oh. Em. Gee.

Good god, Lainey, how did you keep from punching her in the throat?! (FYI, it's a very effective way to quiet the incessant loudtalkers.)

I wouldn't want to spend time with my family, either...

meaux said...

Wow...I'm speechless. And suddenly very thankful that my boisterous and huggy maternal relatives are also a bunch of hardcore Catholics.

Pants said...

Sorry, not impressed. I grew up in a family where my grandad would grab my grandmother's boobs during Christmas dinner and where blurting out sickening details about each other's sexual habits is considered to be funny. At birthdays, at weddings, at motherloving funerals! You haven't been properly grossed out until you've heard your grandmother tell a herp anekdote about your own sweet old grampa. I fear Pookie and BSlim might be related to me...

Sofi said...

Your lucky, Lainey. Things ain't so liberal at my house. Whenever someone says/hears the word vagina or penis there's a collective squeak due to all the squirming taking place.

Lainey said...

AvB, the thought has crossed my mind, I'm not gonna' lie. But, and this is a big but, my cousin is like 5'9" and I'm a wee 5'1". It's hard for me to even reach her throat, honestly.

Meaux, oooh, so think of the fun you could have if you played the role of my cousin with your family!

Pants, if I was raised with them, maybe this wouldn't be so horrifying to me. I don't know. Maybe if I grew up watching my grandfather slip my grandmother the tongue...*blurrrrrrrpppp splat* sorry, puked a bit for a second...

Sofi, God love ya'! It must be hard to have the mouth you have and live in that environment.

Nicole said...

How did I miss this? And why do I love it so much?