Wednesday, June 24, 2009

A Hodgepodge of Blah

Few things going on. Nothing really worthy of its own entry, so I'm just going to cram 'em all into one.

First up - Thirteen is sucking my will to live. Here's a tip, never hire someone based primarily on the tv shows they watch. (Turns out you can love both "The Office" AND be obsessed with "Twilight" & Edward Cullen. Who knew?) Ok, that's not really fair. *Anyone* in this position would annoy me, while they're training, because I'm terribly impatient and not good at hiding it. BUT, when I tell someone repeatedly to take notes about something I'm teaching them and then I tell them repeatedly to use said notes for future reference, I get peeved when they completely ignore this & continue to repeatedly ask me the same question. Also, I took a vacation day today. Our boss and other co-workers are still in the office. I didn't leave her completely on her own. I told Thirteen that she could call me if she had questions. Evidently, she thinks far more literally than I do, because she's called me for every question that has popped into her head today and also to tell me her aunt's dog died last night & she's sad. She called to ask me why her computer screen is turning green when she tries to quit a program. She called to ask me if she should have an applicant take a test. She called to ask me what she should do with an application I put on her desk last night. (I put a note on the application; it said, "Give to Deb W. Ask her to call the applicant to do a phone interview".) Then she called me back to ask me where Deb sits. Dude, that's not exactly what I meant when I said call if you have questions. Whatever, I'll eat that mistake. Live and learn.

Next - I got my hair straightened last night and it went, to put it mildly, horribly wrong. I get my hair straightened every 3 or 4 months and it normally comes out just dandy. For the record and at the risk of sounding terribly conceited, I have great hair. However, it's neither curly nor straight and it's not technically wavy either. It's more bumpy. It holds curl beautifully and it straightens nicely as well. It was damn near perfect in the '80's when big hair was all the rage. In the summer, the humidity makes it frizzy and knotted underneath and it takes entirely too much effort to maintain it for work, so I get it chemically straightened. For whatever reason, the lady I've been going to for 10 years decided to do it differently than she normally does and now...well, now it's just wretched. It looks like Hat Head. Like I've been wearing a knit cap pulled tightly over my crown for approximately 37 days and now I've taken it off. My hair is FAH-LAT smooshed against my skull at the top and then hangs straight and full at the bottom, so to say it looks rather like a pyramid would not be untrue. I paid $112 for this look that I could have achieved by wearing a do rag & using a flat iron.

And finally - something's wrong with my brain. I don't talk about this, to anyone, but I'm going through a really rough patch lately because I can't get this jerk out of my head. I hate myself for loving him and I hate myself for missing him and I hate myself for being a douchey, crybaby girl, but the fact of the matter is, he was my best friend and I miss him. Every day. It doesn't go away. It doesn't hurt less. It's not getting better. My heart aches & I get a lump in my throat every single day because every single day I want to talk to him. He has a starring role in most of my dreams and I hate that I wake up every morning and the first thing I think of is him. I want him to make me laugh and I want to know how he is and I want to be able to have a friendship with him and it makes me SO angry & sad that I can't. Balls.

Since I hate ending things on a total downer, I'm sharing this little tidbit with you. I recently installed a Stat Counter because I was curious as to how people wind up here. Not surprisingly, most of you are from Pajiba or Facebook (and since the only people I have on Facebook are from Pajiba, basically you're all pretty much here from Pajiba). However, sometimes folks get here by way of Google and the shit they're searching for is HI-larious! Below are some actual search phrases that led them to this here fancy blog. Please to enjoy!

"opposite of exciting" - Okay, 3 different people searched for that and wound up here. C'mon that's just funny!

But these just baffle me:
"mom jerking daddy off"
"moms and me or two guys"
"Bang My Step Mom"
"mom told me that it is good for girly boy to suck cock"
"Mom busted boys in jerking contest on the stairs"

Welcome visitors with sexual mommy issues! Pull up a chair and stay for a while. We love new people!

Friday, June 19, 2009

Dad Is Great, He Gives Us Chocolate Cake!

So, Father's Day is Sunday and I was thinking about what to get the old man & wondering if he would find it funny if I gave him some sequined-covered something or other when it dawned on me that I would probably have a hard time finding any kind of sequined-adorned guy thing. Probably aren't a lot of places that make sparkly, beaded steering-wheel covers or something equally useless & manly. So then, while I was being a jerk thinking up asinine gifts for my dad, I started thinking of all the really nice things he's done for me over the years. Here is a sampling:

* When I was a wee lass, he and I used to build forts in the living room out of the furniture cushions, sheets, and blankets. We would lay in the forts with the old 1970's GIANT earphones on our ears listening to The Rolling Stones and Queen, at ridiculous volumes, until my mom would scream at him that he was going to make me deaf. Then he would make faces at her and turn it down a half a notch.

* When my mom made us go to the mall with her, my dad would hide in the clothing racks & play Hide & Seek with me. I was about 3. He was about 23. Technically a grown-up, but practically a child himself.

* On the 4th of July when I was a sullen and moody teenager, he brought home sparklers. I sneered at them and made some comment about sparklers being for children. He put a lighter and a box of sparklers in my hand and then pushed me outside into the backyard and locked the sliding glass door. He wouldn't let me come in until I "frolicked". At first I was obnoxious and pouty about it, but he stood his ground and eventually, I "frolicked". I laughed SO hard at the ridiculousness of the situation and he came out and ran around the backyard with me waving sparklers in the air, twirling in circles and singing, (loudly and horribly off-key) "True" by Spandau Ballet. Yeah, I don't know why either, but it happened.

* In high school, they had a bizarre punishment called "7 AM Detention", during which you were required to be at the school at 7:00 AM and you had to write out the rules while sitting in the library for an hour and a half. It was an idiotic punishment. So, I did something (probably mouthed off to someone, SHOCKING, I know) and received the aforementioned detention. The principal called my dad to tell him that I had to be at the school by 7 the next morning. My dad said, "No problem. I'll have her out in front of the house around 6:45." The principal, understandably confused replied, "Why?" and my dad answered, "So you can pick her up." The principal chuckled and said, "Oh no, Mr. Bobainey, *you* need to bring Lainey to the school for her 7 AM detention." My dad chuckled back and said, "Oh no, Mr. Principal, *I* didn't do anything wrong. You want her there, you'll need to come and get her. Otherwise, find a suitable punishment that actually punishes *her*." Apparently, no other parent had denied this request and the principal was stymied as to how to respond. My dad just said, "Ok, thanks for calling" and hung up. I got grounded for being an asshole, and I should have, but I didn't have to go to the moronic detention. I think I had to write an essay or something instead.

* While in high school, my curfew was 2:00 AM. I thought my dad was the coolest (and maybe the most clueless) parent in the world because everyone else had to be home by 12:30. This came up in conversation a few years ago and he confessed that he knew everyone else had to be home by 12:30, so he figured if he set my curfew at 2:00, he would look like the cool dad, but I would still be home before 12:30 because I wouldn't have anyone to hang out with. Hmm, smart thinking, buddy!

* And my favorite - I was getting ready for my Junior Prom and my dad asked me where I had put the boutonniere. I told him I had no idea what a boutonniere was. He looked a bit shocked and told me it was the lapel flower I give to my date; the guy corsage. My eyes welled up & I told him that I didn't have one. He said, "Oh. No. No, you have to have one." My date was picking me up in less than a half hour. I was 16, so OF COURSE I started panicking! My dad told me to relax and to finish getting ready. He called the florist a mile or two away and ordered a simple white rose boutonniere that he would go pick up for me. Here's where the story gets sweet - our car was in the shop, so my dad drug one of the old bicycles out of the garage, and pedaled his 36-year-old, two-pack-a-day-smoker ass up to the florist a couple of miles away. He got back just before the limo arrived with my date. He was out of breath and his cheeks were bright red, but he just handed me the florist box, gave me $20 (just in case) and told me to have fun. He probably went inside and puked immediately afterward, but I didn't see that part.

Thanks, Dad. You didn't have it easy raising a kid by yourself and you did a pretty damn good job. Happy Father's Day!

Monday, June 8, 2009


After interviewing every skinny, blonde, 22-year-old girl named Courtney/Lindsay/Casey/Bailey/Kelsy/etc., we have a new recruiter. YAY!!!

We hired a skinny, brunette 22-year-old with a name ending in "Y"!

In actuality, we only interviewed 13 people (plus another 5 or 6 on the phone) and the girl we hired was number 13. From here on out, I will refer to her as "Thirteen". Couple reasons for this.

First - I can't remember her damn name! Seriously, after the parade of perky "Y's", all of them blend together in my head and I keep referring to her by the wrong name.

Second - I used a fake name for Jackie, so it's only fair that I give her a pseudonym, too.

Third - She looks kind of like Olivia Wilde who plays, "Thirteen" on House. Yes, she's 22, smart, thin and beautiful. No, I don't hate her yet.

She was one of several qualified candidates. Everyone we talked to was smart and engaging and had some or most of the skills we were looking for. It was hard to narrow it down. None of them really won us over immediately like Jackie did and my boss and I were becoming discouraged. And then Thirteen came in for her interview.

She was, honestly, no better or worse than any of the others we had talked to. However, she commented on "The Office" calendar hanging on my bulletin board. She asked if I was a fan and I said that my boss and I love it. She smiled and said she liked it, too. We finished the interview and at the end she asked if I would like her LinkedIn address. I said, sure. She pulled a notepad out of her purse & wrote the address on it. Imprinted across the top of the note was:

That's what *she* said.

And that's how Thirteen became the new Jackie.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Testing, Testing...Is This Thing On?

Move along.   Nothing to see here.  I'm just trying out the posting from email function.

Oh hey, wait!  While I'm here, I keep forgetting to say, "Hi!" to the new readers/followers of this here SUPER FANTASTIC EXCITING blog.

Hello new readers/followers and thanks for taking time out of your life to read my silly babbling.  You'll never get these minutes back, so I hope you're either very young and have plenty of time to kill or you're very, very old and are just waiting for the Angel of Death to relieve you of your pitiable existence.  Either way, I'm really glad you're here.  Please chime in and comment if you feel like it.  I love ignoring new commenters just as much as ignoring people who've been around for a while & who are far nicer to me than I deserve.  But really, I don't love ignoring anyone, I'm just a slacker and sometimes it takes me a while to respond to the witty and wonderful comments you guys leave.  I'm trying get better at it.  Maybe if new people comment, maybe it'll guilt me into responding within a reasonable time frame.  I'm willing to give it a shot!

BTW, the search to replace Jackie is almost over.  I'll post more about that later, but I don't want to jinx it until she actually accepts our offer.  Hopefully, I'll know something by this evening or by Monday morning.  Keep your fingers crossed!

Ok, let's see if this posting via gmail thing works...