Monday, August 3, 2009

How NOT To Write A Cover Letter - Pt. 2

Remember this? Ok, this one isn't as fantastically awesome as that, but it's still pretty good. And it's Monday. This is the best I can do today. It's exactly as I received it. Oh and the open position is for a Medical Biller & Coder, not that it really matters.

Welcome to my life!

“There are those who look at life and see things as they are. Then, there are those who look at life and see how things could be and ask the question: Why not?”

Robert F. Kennedy

I first want to thank you for your time and hopefully your consideration in me becoming a candidate for the position. I believe it is important first to promulgate the foundation of who I am not only in respect of applying for the position, but also in respect of you gaining a 3 dimensional view of who I am. Starting this process without having that view may leave it in vain.

First and foremost I am an artist trained in music to be specific. I began at age eleven and started classical training. The families of instruments I cover are strings and percussion. I write for all styles of music and all capacities as well. In writing for all various situations I truly believe I have gained a firm grasp on what is needed and what is not needed from an organizational standpoint as well from a leadership role. Working in music teaches you the most important aspects of leadership and work ethic. Values such as quality, efficiency, communication, passion for the work, team work and the most important value of all: humility. The grace in knowing you are wrong and admitting it in order to better the work. The art of conducting and band leading enunciates the value of leading by example and in turn that phrase becomes obligatory for the ones you are leading.

The next dimension of who I am is one of community service. I am a Secular Franciscan and the aspects of Franciscan teaching envelopes helping the sick and poor. I participate in food drives and go in the community and collect food for the poor as well as volunteering at ‘Little sisters of the poor’ retirement hospital with performing music and assisting with what ever they need. These actions give me a greater understanding of helping those who have less or those who need the most help.

In a leadership setting it is essential that no one should be, or feel left out or having feelings that they are not an important member of the team. With these aspects I would like to coagulate this resume into two sections. First music. Second other works. I would like to thank you once again for this opportunity to emancipate the aspects of who I am as a person and as well as my skills. The ability to create or drive or increase profitability for a company is as much an art as writing for a symphony or bringing life to a canvas. I hope that this introductory letter gives you what I hope will be the foundation of who I am for not knowing the root of an employee or for that matter a person can ultimately I believe lead to not knowing what the character of your staff will be.


Rusty said...

There might as well be a little flag from the middle of this cover letter saying "attempting to justify applying for a position I am clearly unqualified for". I mean, I've got a music background too, buddy, but you can bet I play that shit DOWN when I apply to non-music related companies. Not sounding like a 5th grader with a shaky grasp of SAT vocabulary helps too.

The last bit "The ability to create or drive or increase profitability…" also makes it sound like they don't really know what the position they're applying for does. Awesome.

Eyvi Sprite said...

Oh, wow...That was just painful. The first one was incredible. This one is freakin' hilarious though. Rusty mentioned the big word issue so I won't go there (although: promulgate... seriously? ha ha!) I wonder though, is it common practice to throw your religious beliefs out there like that when you're looking for a job? 'Cause, I kinda thought that was frowned upon. It's great that you want to serve your community and "help those who have less..." but isn't saying you like to volunteer a little more neutral?

Blonde Savant said...

"With these aspects I would like to coagulate this resume into two sections."

That is one of the most spectacular misuses of a word I've ever seen. I too would like to coagulate this resume.

ShinyKate said...


I've been sending out a lot of cover letters myself lately, so when I saw this I worried that it would be a letter similar to mine, or that at least there would be parallels, proving that I know fuck all about how to write a cover letter.

After reading this letter, I'm no longer worried. Thanks, Lainey!

Big Daddy said...

I would definitely interview this person. Not seriously – as in to hire them – but more for the comedy of the situation. That interview could potentially give you joke material for years. Plus, it would be interesting to see what a person who writes like that actually looks like. I have an image in my head and would really like to know. So, please, please, do the interview and then give us the low down.

meaux said...

"emancipate the aspects of who I am"? Oh my.

Yeah, I'm with Big Daddy--that would be one hell of an interesting interview. Although it'd be so hard to keep a straight face....

Anna von Beaverplatz said...

I see "promulgate", "coagulate", and "emancipate" have already been covered. I'd like to add an OMG.

There are people who should save their pennies until they can afford to pay someone to write them a decent cover letter. They should, under no circumstances, be allowed to write one for themselves.

Lainey said...

I adore you guys so much! I was worried that I had become SO judgmental (I *have*, that's not the real issue here) about resumes and cover letters, but I feel better now. It wasn't so much the content, as all the five dollar words. Just because you have a thesaurus, doesn't mean you should always use it.

If I bring him in for an interview, I'll be sure to update!

PS: I'd be happy to look over anyone's resumes or cover letters if you want a recruiter's perspective. Seriously, I'm not even just saying that to be nice. I also promise not to blog about it. Unless it's more impressive than this one and then COME ON, I'd have to!

Girl With Curious Hair said...

I think you should interview him as well. Do it for us, your loyal fans. Maybe you can join forces with TK who also interviews fascinating characters.

Nicole said...

LAINEY. Please hire him for this position so that his spirit can be broken. Do it for me.

Jos said...

Wow! It's not every day you get a resume and cover letter from Lil' C! :)

I love the fact that the candidate in question only made it through two of the dimensions of his/her personality. Perhaps the third dimension got coagulated into the two sections?

cindy said...

Another vote for the interview. Girl, you'll be laughing for days - and hithertotherefore, so will we.