Baby Got Back...

So, yeah, I understand that diet and exercise are the way to lose weight and get in shape.  However, I also understand that I'm lazier than shit and I'm not so good at monitoring my own diet if my pants size is any indicator.

I've always been curvy, but not fat - I'd say, "thick" or "chunky" (Mmmm, like salsa!), until I quit smoking a few years ago.  I've gained 30 pounds and I just seem to keep adding to it.  I've done Weight Watchers and been REALLY dedicated to it, but didn't lose more than 5 - 10 pounds.  My doctor prescribed diet pills (SPEED - WOOHOO!) and not only did I feel like *ass*, I only lost a few pounds and gained it back as soon as I went off of them.  I used to exercise with the ex, but he was in fantastic shape and I couldn't keep up, so I'd get frustrated and stop.  I have a WiiFit and I'm really trying to make myself use it with regularity, but so far, I can't seem to make myself use it even though I enjoy the hell out of it while I'm playing.

I'm a few months shy of turning 40.  My father's heart attack kind of scared me and made me reexamine my own lard-lined arteries.  I'm single and haven't been on a date date in several years because I have a hard time trying to date when I feel like a whale and I'm a tiny, little petite chick, so that much extra weight makes me look as wide as I am tall.   I need to lose about 30 - 40 pounds and I need to do something that shows some results or I'll give up and quit trying.  (Yes, I realize that I'm an assy baby about this, I'm just trying to be honest with myself and with you and despite wanting to NOT be an assy baby, I know my limitations.)

Yes, I talk about waffles all the time, but seriously, I really don't eat them that often and I'm not even lying when I say I eat relatively healthfully (I LOVE vegetables and fruit and recently I don't seem to really like meat, so I don't eat hamburgers, hot dogs or sausage), I only eat fast food maybe twice a month and I don't drink sugar soda.  My biggest problems seem to be that I fail at packing my lunch for work and then eat whatever is closest; I eat late at night, since I tend to not go to bed until 1:00 AM; and I am a huge fan of butter, cheese, and anything with the word "cake" in it.  I think I could possibly benefit from a restrictive & strict diet that's pre-packaged and is planned for me.

Now that I've rambled on (too bad excessive typing doesn't burn significant calories), here's my question to you:  I'm seriously considering joining Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, or Chefs Diet (which is sort of like The Zone food delivery service, except not the REALLY good shit that rich people and celebrities get).  These are all fairly expensive and I will be a bitter, bitter bunny if the food tastes, looks or smells like barf.  Have any of you tried any of those programs or known anyone who has?  Were they/you successful in the weight loss?  Was the food edible?  Would it work for a picky eater?  Did the weight come back after going off the program? 

Any feedback is GREATLY appreciated!

This Space for Rent...

Hi,

This is Lainey's blog, but Lainey is goofing around and/or too lazy unavoidably detained until further notice. So I, an anonymous, benevolent friend, shall provide you with a short entry.

As you may know, last week Lainey was waylaid (don't get excited, that word has nothing to do with sex [unfuckingfortunately! --ed.]) by some cold or virus disease type thing. She took quite a lot of OTC meds, and may have gotten hooked on one of them. It would explain a lot, right? She also got hooked on maple syrup, though she tries to explain it away as some sort of nutrition when accompanied by a frozen circular disk. Despite her poor diet and the d.t.s, she seems to have dragged herself into work this week, where she spends much time complaining or making observations about her co-workers and or superiors. I do assume some work gets done, as she hasn't gotten fired. And she did do all that nifty employee appreciation stuff, didn't she? But still, I'm not sure she's completely gotten her mojo back, so I'm going to recommend we have a little intervention. We'll keep it small, entice her with the smell of waffles and pretend we're all there to watch...Intervention!  She'll totally fall for it. Now while we're there, let's just go ahead and tie her to a chair until she tells us that SEX STORY; may as well kill two birds, right?

I think that's all I've got for now, please leave a comment if you'd like to be a part of the intervention and if you can bring a snack. Everything is better with snacks. [You know what makes a nice snack?  Waffles...I'm JUST saying. --ed.] I know you'll all be as happy as me when we have our girl back.

Cheerios!

[PS:  Happy No Whining Wednesday! --ed.]

My Heart Is Filled With Glee...

And my head is filled with snot!  (No, you would not be wrong in thinking that I am klass-ay.)

Ok, so I've been Sicky McGee for the last week and I'm about tired of it.  But, that's not what this is about.  It's about how awesome my friends are.  I didn't go to work on Thursday or Friday and I was stressing HARD, because Thursday was the Employee Appreciation luncheon and I felt *awful* for leaving Dana alone to handle it all.  She took it amazingly well.  Way better than I would have, I'm sure.  In addition to being super nice to me about ditching her, she sent a care package home to me.  My lovely friend Angel-ica called me around 3:00 and asked if she could stop by after work to drop off something.  I said sure, because I was half asleep when she called and honestly, I would have agreed to a sack of angry badgers almost anything just to go back to dreamland where my throat & lungs weren't on fire.

She showed up with a GIANT care package from Dana of cheesy potatoes, chicken, a caramel apple, 3 cookies and a card.  Ang also brought me veg-e-table soup & french fries from my favorite fast food place, AND she brought me a cd she made with the songs from Glee!  It's so awesome to listen to Finn & Rachel sing their little hearts out to "Don't Stop Believing" and "No Air" and Mr. Shu and the Acafellas singing "Poison" (Never trust a big butt and a smile...)  As crappy as I've felt, I can't help but smile when I listen to it.  Also, the kid who plays Finn is 27 and therefore not a kid kid, so it's totally acceptable for me to have dirty, nasty, whorish thoughts about him....I'm just sayin'.

Friday, my neighbor Heather sent me a text asking if I was ok.  A few hours later she sent me another text telling me to check my door.  She hung a bag on my doorknob with Puffs w/ Lotion, Nyquil, Dayquil and Hall's cherry cough drops.  Aww, how sweet!  Then, about an hour after that my doorbell rang.  My boss sent me flowers to thank me for working on Employee Appreciation Week.  Nice, right?  Oh and so, remember how I said that only 11 employees would appreciate our efforts?  Well, I was wrong.  I got FOURTEEN emails saying thanks!  Ha.  Suck it...um, self!  And I would have been sad and sick if it weren't for my lovely (and weird) Pajiba/Facebook friends who kept me company while I was home and made me laugh.  Thanks, kids!

And this is completely not related to anything above, but it makes me enormously happy - my Denver Broncos are 6 and 0!! 

Ok, sorry, back to other non-sports stuff.  What do you kids have going on?  Fun stuff?  Happy stuff?  Are you planning any Halloweeny stuff?  I hope you're all well and have a happy No Whining Wednesday!

The World's Second Smallest Violin...

The world's smallest violin actually belongs to a co-worker.  She has a "bad" day, every day.  Seriously, how do you have a bad day every day?  If every day is bad, you're doing it wrong. 


All that aside, I'm about to bow the strings of my runner-up, wee violin.  Tomorrow is No Whining Wednesday and yet, all I can do is whine.  All I want to do is whine  Whining just sounds SO good right now.

I feel that I may be coming down with bronchitis.  I'm actually certain of it.  When I smoked, I used to get it every year and it suh-hucked!  Since I quit, almost 3 years ago, I haven't gotten sick, but I recognize that burn in my chest;   that scratchy burn in my throat that spreads down to my lungs.  Ugh.  So, yeah, not that there's ever really a good time to get sick, but now is the opposite of a good time. 

 - Job Fair with Stupid Thirteen (I've expanded her name) all day on Wednesday.  I have to talk to people and smile and be friendly.  I have to coax people to talk and I have to talk loudly over the din of the crowded room.  Army Douche better not be there, that's all I'm gonna' say about that.

 - After the job fair, I'm meeting with the HR ladies I befriended.  We've already postponed our get-together twice now, so I'd feel really sucky if I had to reschedule it again, but the idea of talking to job seekers and Stupid Thirteen all day and then going out to talk about work for another couple of hours just fills me with dread.

- Thursday we're bringing in lunch and serving it to our staff as part of Employee Appreciation Week.  I just don't think my hacking and throat clearing is going to be appetizing for 300+ employees trying to eat their food.

 - The Vice President offered my services to one of the Vice Presidents in the Denver office (because he doesn't have an assistant  - I don't know why, I only know that he should have one) to help him edit his budget presentation.  I helped our VP with his and I'm certain it's karma's way of teaching me a lesson because, you guys, I totally gloated about red-lining his presentation on Facebook.  Now, I'm paying for it.  In addition to being out of the office for a full day and then doing employee relations shit all week and OH YEAH, heading that damned committee that he assigned me to a couple of weeks ago, what I really need is to get loaned out to another executive.   

 - Angel-ica and I are supposed to get together this weekend to play with the Wii Sports Resort and maybe watch Drag Me to Hell, but unless I can do this while laying in bed, doped up on antibiotics and cough syrup with codeine, this doesn't sound the least bit appealing to me.

- And FINALLY, my sexyfuntime friend is back in town next week and DAMMIT, I was looking forward to making the sessy with him and generally not coughing up phlegm globs while he's ripping my clothes o.... ahem...I mean, while we're playing a rousing game of Yahtzee!  Naked!  We've been sending dirty, sessy texts and emails for the past week in anticipation of seeing each other & now instead, the only thing I want in my mouth is a lozenge.  Yeah, I just said that, 'cause I'm a filthy hoo-er.

So, now I need you guys.  At the risk of sounding even more obnoxiously dorky than I normally sound, I need your positive energy today to be my "medicine" (or I'll take codeine cough syrup if you have that instead).  What good things are going on with you?  How's your life?

If you would like to spoil the day for a grouch, give him a smile.

So, Monday starts Employee Appreciation Week at my office.  This basically means the Admin Assistant, Dana (truly one of the nicest people I've ever met), and I will spend a week (and a shit load of our time and patience) trying to make 360 employees feel appreciated.  They will in turn make us feel like slapping them.  No matter what we do, it won't be enough.  No matter how much we give, it won't be enough.  No matter how hard we try, it won't be enough.  That said, 11 people will appreciate our efforts.  It's the same 11 people every year and I've come to value them above all the rest.

Dana and I spent Friday afternoon shopping for supplies and planning the logistics of the week.  Last Thursday, I gathered the aforementioned 11 positive and grateful employees and dubbed them the Attitude Ambassadors (because I am a GIANT nerd).  I gave them each 2 little plastic smiley face trophies with the instruction that they are to give them out this week to people who do nice things for others or people they see being helpful or good role models.  Additionally, those employees who receive the awards are supposed to give the trophies away to other co-workers who have been helpful or kind to them...and so on...  I also gave them silly little smiley face stickers and asked them to give them to employees who looked like they were stressed or weren't having a good day.  I asked them not to tell the employees to "smile!"( because that makes me fucking stabby), but they should give the bummed co-worker a sticker and just nicely tell them that they hope their day gets better or a similar sentiment.  I'm really hoping that their example will influence the behavior and attitudes of the other employees.

Some of the activities we have planned for the week include:

• Jeans and tennis shoes every day.

• Raffle tickets will be passed out and all week we'll draw numbers for $25 gift cards to Kohl's, Best Buy, Olive Garden, Old Navy, Bed, Bath & Beyond, Giant Eagle, and Outback Steakhouse.  (haaa, I kept typing Steakhorse - totally different!)

• Monday, smiley face notepads and 4-color pens with our company's logo will be distributed to everyone.
  

• Tuesday will be Creative Arts Day.   The staff can wear their favorite movie, tv show or band/concert t-shirt (I'll be wearing my WhiskyBabyNinjaStar shirt, because no one will know what the hell it is and I'll probably say it's a band if anyone asks).  We'll be doing a DVD/VHS movie swap where they can bring in old CD's/movies/games and either trade them or just donate them  & we'll give them to the local library.  We're also giving everyone microwave popcorn packs with our company logo on them and putting big bowls of popcorn, M&M's, Red Hots, Lemon Heads and Milk Duds in all of the break rooms to munch on throughout the day and we're continuing the raffle, but the prizes are $10 gift cards for AMC Theaters and iTunes.  I think we have 10 of those to give away.
  

• Wednesday I'll be at a job fair all day with stupid Thirteen, but the kids at work will be getting caramel apples.  There better be some leftover apples for me when I come back on Thursday because caramel apples are one of my favorite things.  They're totally healthy 'cause they're fruit, dammit!

• Thursday we're having a catered lunch of roasted chicken, cheesy potatoes (these potatoes are TO DIE for!), applesauce, coleslaw and rolls & butter with yummy giant cookies for dessert.  I feel like we're doing something else on Thursday, but I can't think of what it is right now.

• Friday is Sports Day and employees can wear their favorite sports team jersey, t-shirt or sweatshirt.  It's also Boss's Day and for all of the Team Leads, Supervisors, Managers and Directors we have handmade AMAZINGLY delicious shortbread cookies iced to look like smiley faces.  They will also get pretty little brightly-colored wooden boxes with sayings written inside, like "Every day you get more wonderful".  Inside the boxes we'll be putting magnets with different sayings like "Live.  Laugh.  Love." and other hippy dippy phrases.  And then, because I'm 9, we also have a whole bunch of smiley face toys to give to them.  Smiley face slap bracelets and pencils; those paddle things with the string and the ball; smiley face stress balls; little plastic slinkies with smiley faces on them, etc., you get the idea.  Junky, fun, little things that they can keep or take home to their kids. 

That's our week.  It comes once a year in October and Dana and I plan and look forward to it.  We put a shit-ton of effort and creativity into and every year end up feeling bad because the employees are assholes.  But *this* year, I'm not going to let the negative ones get to me.  I'm going to focus my attention and energy on the ones who appreciate it and who genuinely feel appreciated, because we DO appreciate our employees.   This year, I'm going to have fun!

Mid-Week

So this really has nothing to do with No Whining Wednesday, but I don't have anything else to write about. Well, I DO have other things to write about, but they'll take effort and thought and editing and I'm just not feeling super excited about any of those words, so you'll get this. And you'll LIKE it.

The grocery store by my house employs "special" folks as, I'm sure, lots of grocery stores do. One of the gentlemen who works there is named Dan and Dan falls somewhere on the Autism spectrum. He talks a mile a minute to you as soon as you get to the register and he does it with a completely flat tone with no rises or falls. He doesn't laugh, he says, "HA HA". I have no idea how, but half of the times I'm at the store, I wind up in Dan's line.

So, the other day I'm standing in line checking out and Dan's rambling on and on and saying, "HA HA" after every 3rd sentence. I saw my boss's 17-year-old daughter run in. I said, "Hey, Debi, whatcha' doing?"

She stopped and said, "Oh hey! I'm running in to get money and then I have to go meet my mom. She's REALLY mad at me. Like REALLY mad!" I asked why. She said because she was getting her nose pierced and her mom was not happy.

I laughed and said, "DEBI - you are not! I'm telling your mother!"

Obviously, I'm kidding.

Not to Dan. Dan stopped ringing up my groceries, lowered his eyebrows, looked at me scornfully and said, slowly and clearly, "You shouldn't tattle. It's NOT nice."

Dan had nothing else to say to me for the remainder of our checkout time together.

Yeah, so my recollection of this fascinating story probably isn't nearly as amusing as it was at the time, but you guys, it was really funny. Seriously. HA HA!

Happy No Whining Wednesday!  Anything make you laugh recently?