Conversations with My Father - Pt. 9

Me:  So, Dad, a lot of my guy friends have kids and they're often posting on Facebook about how excited they are that they get to go home and hang out with their little kid.  Did you used to get excited to get home from work so you could hang out with me?

Dad:  . . . Are their wives reading it or something?

Me:  NO, gawd.  They just really enjoy spending time with their children!  They think it's fun.

Dad:  Huh.

Me:  So, did you?

Dad:  Did I what?

Me:  *sigh*  Did you get excited to go home and see me when I was little?

Dad:  Hmmm...  I remember that I used to get pretty excited to stop at the bar that was on the way home.

Me:  You're a horrible human being.

Dad:  Lainey!  What?  It was the 70s!  We didn't know we were supposed to like our kids!  Blame society, man!  I like you NOW, though.

Me:  YAY for me!  I'll be sure to tell that to my therapist.

Not Everyone Can Be An Astronaut

In pursuit of my latest addiction, Aquafina lip balm, (SHUT UP, addiction is a serious matter and is not something to be ridiculed!) I went to DrugMart, by my house.  I call it MethMart and trust me when I tell you that in order for me to willingly go there, I was DESPERATE for my balm fix.  I found my presssshhhus (and maybe some blueberry cheesecake ice cream, again, stfu, thankyouverymuch) and headed to the checkout line.  The girl behind the register was about 19 or 20 and was a big fan of glittery eyeshadow and lip piercings that maybe looked a tidge infected.  This was our conversation.

Me:  Hi, how are you?
Her:  What?
Me:  How are you?
Her:  Oh.
Me: . . .
Her:  I've never seen this before.  I didn't know Aquafina made lip balm.
Me:  It's great - it's my new favorite.
Her:  What does it taste like?  Does it taste like water?
Me:  . . . Pardon?
Her:  The lip balm, does it taste like water?
Me: Um... no.  It tastes kind of minty.
Her:  Oh.  I don't think I would like that. 
Me:  Pardon?
Her:  I don't think I would like that.  Huh, it's weird.
Me:  Oh... um, well, I have a lot of lip balms that are mint-flavored, so I guess I'm used to it.
Her:  No, I meant mint-flavored water.  I didn't know they had that.  I don't think I'd like it.
Me:  . . . *blink*  Ummmm?  What?
Her:  Aquafina.  I didn't know they made mint-flavored water.
Me:  Oh... I don't think they do.  I think just the lip balm is mint-flavored.
Her:  Oh.  I wonder if there's lemon-flavored water.  That would be good.
Me:  Hmmm, ok, have a good night!

Aaaaaand scene.

I hope she enjoys working at MethMart and more importantly, I hope MethMart enjoys her, because she's probably not going to be receiving multiple offers of employment on a regular basis...

Conversations with My Father - Pt. 8

Dad:  Lainey, do you put the tops back on bottles when you throw them away?

Me:   Huh?

Dad:  When you throw away your plastic bottles of whatever, do you put the lid back on?

Me:   Um, I might.  I think probably I do.

Dad:  Stop doing that!  I saw something where there are MILES and MILES of floating bottles, MILLIONS of them, in the ocean.  It's just awful.  MILES of them, Lainey.  Covering the surface of the ocean!

Me:  So, that doesn't happen if you leave the lids off?

Dad:  No, then they just sink to the bottom and no one can see them.

Me:  Soooo, your concern is not the pollution of the oceans, it's one of aesthetics?
Dad:  Oh, yes, of course.  I'm sure the ocean floor is covered in trash, but I don't give a shit, because I can't see it.  The floating bottles just look tacky, don't you think?

End of the Year EXTRAVAGANZA!!*

*Not really if you're going by the actual definition of EXTRAVAGANZA.

So, 2010 is ending and I can't complain.  I've had a pretty decent year.  I lost (what I thought was) a good friend, but I've made a lot more.  I've been remarkably healthy (did I just jinx the shit out of myself?) and so has my dad (I'm sure I just jinxed him).  I got my apartment Extreme Makeover-ed, ok, not technically, but I did get nice new carpet, paint, windows, and furniture.  Hell, I have HEATED STEPS up to my back porch, so yeah, that's awesome and nothing to sneeze at.  I've met some Pajiban/Facebook friends this year.  Maybe had sex with one or more of them.  That was fun!  And I tried a whole bunch of stuff I've never tried before (that's not related to the last sentence about sex).  Turns out that macaroni and cheese is pretty damn good.  WHO KNEW?  Oh, right.  Everyone.  But, just for the record, I still haven't tried that fluorescent orange shit in the blue box and I don't intend to.  I also tried a few fancy beers and it turns out that I kind of like them a little and would maybe want to try more.  This coming from the girl who didn't like Bud Light because it "tastes too beerish". 

What else?  I got a new cat, because why not?  He's chatty as hell and oppressively affectionate, but he's nice to have around since the other one only pays attention to me when she wants food.  Willow hates him, but I think she'll warm up.  She's too nosy to just ignore him, so I suspect he'll grow on her after a bit.  Speaking of, Thirteen has become not only tolerable, but actually likable.  I certainly didn't see that coming!   Oh, and Coke Zero is still delicious, despite what CERTAIN people (*coughKolbycough*) say. 

I never imagined that I'd be 40 and single and living in Ohio, it's not like it was my dream as a child, but turns out, it's not so bad.  Just a few years ago, I couldn't imagine making enough money to live comfortably, having a career I'm good at (and mostly like, though I'll deny it), and enjoying my life.  Enjoying my friends.  Enjoying my comfort with myself.  It's actually kind of neat.

So, I hope 2011 is as good or better for me than 2010 was and for my friends who had less delightful years, I hope 2011 kicks the shit out of 2010 for you!

Thanks for coming around year after year!  Especially you folks who keep searching for "what's the opposite of exciting" and winding up here.  You have NO idea how much that amuses me. 

Cheers and Happy New Year!

Conversations with My Father - Pt. 7

Now I think he's messing with me.

Dad:  Hey, will you make me a Facebook?

Me:  What?  Why?  You don't have a computer.

Dad:  I know, but you could give me updates from people and then tell them what I'm up to.

Me:  . . .
Dad:  Everyone keeps asking me if I have a Facebook and I tell them I don't, but that you do, so they said you could make me one.
Me:  Well, that's true, I COULD make you one, but you wouldn't be able to use it because you don't have a computer.

Dad:  I KNOW, LAINEY, but YOU have a computer.

Me:  I don't understand.  Do you want me to bring my computer over?

Dad:  *sigh*  No.  I want you to make me a Facebook.

Me: . . .

Dad:  Just make me a Facebook and then tell me what people say.

Me:  WHAT PEOPLE?  I can't just MAKE you a Facebook and people will magically appear!

Dad:  Yes, they will.  They'll see that I have a Facebook and then they'll friend me.

Me:  Do you even know what "friend me" means?

Dad:  Yes, Lainey, I'm not retarded.  They'll be on my friends list and I can see what they're doing.

Me:  But YOU won't be able to see what they're doing, because you don't have a computer!

Dad:  But YOU do!

Me: I swear to god, I'm gonna' punch whoever told you to get on Facebook.  Just CALL people if you want to know what they're up to.
Dad:  That's SO 2005

Pucker Up!

Ok, so you guys know how I maybe have a wee addiction to lip balm, right?  It might be out of control now.  I've designed the entire theme of Employee Appreciation Week around my addiction.

A couple of months ago, my boss, Thirteen, and I went to an HR conference.  There were a bunch of different vendors with booths & swag, and one of them, the Cleveland Zoo, was passing out lip balms with their logo.  Ok, well A) The ZOO!!!  and B)  Lip Balm!!!  Hello, happy Lainey!  Turns out that this is like the best lip balm ever (Yes, I say that about EVERY new lip balm, but this time I mean it.  It's like I tell every guy that he's THE BEST, I'm sure I've actually meant it once or twice...) and the label lists some company in Cleveland that makes it.

I looked it up and they will make lip balms for your company, with your logo, for some ridiculously cheap fee of like $.50/tube.  The catch is that you have to buy 100+.  Here's the thing, I actually THOUGHT about buying them myself, putting MY logo on them (Bobainey Balm - Pamper your pucker, sucker!  Cute, right?  I KNOW!), and then sending them to you kids with your Christmas cards, but then the reality set in of having 100 lip balms sitting in my house and me having to actually address and mail 80+ Christmas cards, which would STILL leave me with 20 lip balms, and yeah, that idea fizzled out.

I did some thinking and then some more and then I took a nap.  Then it dawned on me!  If we make Employee Appreciation Week be about relaxation and pampering, I could totally order these for our employees, get the company to pay for it, AND have my own personal stockpile of fantastic lip balm!  I AM AN EMMEREFFING GENIUS!

Wait, it gets BETTER!  So, because Thirteen enjoys projects, I assigned this to her.  She got in touch with them to get pricing information and other pertinent info and they sent us a DOZEN lip balms to choose from before we order ours for the employees.  I now have SEVEN lip balms sitting on my desk.  SEVEN.  So great.  (I let her keep 3 and give 2 to the admin assistant because I'm benevolent and a good sharer and shit.)

Oh, so anyway, Employee Appreciation Week is still going to be all about pampering and relaxation and feature the lip balms, but I don't even care anymore, I got what I wanted. We're also having cookies and tea.  Because I LIKE COOKIES. 

The end.

Oh, Dad...*sigh*

So, look what Denny bought me:

He said it's "festive" (he LOVES that word) and I could put it on my desk at work.  OH, by the way, you can't really see it, but the witch's skirt thinger has sparkly crystals dangling from it, BECAUSE OF COURSE IT DOES.

So, I just chalked it up to another case of "Huh, Denny really doesn't know me, does he?"  But THEN, he gave me another gift and *sigh*, no, he knows me.

So, Happy HallowLaborWeen Day from Denny BoBainey, y'all!

Conversations with My Father - Pt. 6

Dad:  Here I brought you a chicken. 

Me:  Um, great, thanks.  Why?

Dad:  'Cause you like chicken. 

Me:  True... is it a live chicken?
Dad:  That is literally the dumbest question you've ever asked in your life. 
[-- ed:  if ONLY that were true.] Also, I brought you some trail mix.  I don't like it.  It has too many nuts. 
Me: ...?  It's trail mix, dad, it's mostly nuts.

Dad:  That's why I don't want it.  I mostly liked the M&M's. 

Me:  Then just buy a bag of M&M's.

Dad:  That's unhealthy. 

Me:  Then buy a bag of peanut M&M's and dump some raisins in the bag.
Dad:  I'm TOTALLY going to do that!  Brilliant.

HR Has Feelings, Too, You Know!

First off, I hate talking or writing about work.  Work is boring.  No one wants to hear about someone else's work.  Why should I presume to think that MY work is any more interesting or valid than anyone else's?  That said, I'm about to launch into a story/rant about work.  So, you've been warned and can now choose your own adventure:  quit now and go do something else or keep reading knowing that I'm babbling about work.  Oh, and it's not a funny story.  I feel like I should also say that upfront.    It's not sad or anything, but it's not something you're going to think, "Oh, that Lainey!  What a character!"  That's probably not gonna' happen.  If it does, please feel free to let me know.

I spent over an hour in a meeting today to discuss what to do about an under-performing employee.  This is the third such meeting I've been in over the past 2 weeks.   All about different employees.  The focus of today's meeting was a middle-aged woman with some type of illness (maybe Parkinson's?) that she's not really willing to discuss with us and that she INSISTS is not affecting her productivity in any way.  It should be noted that this employee has either had this affliction since she started with us 5 years ago or she's just always been an under-performing employee.  Her problem is that she's slow.  Like sllllooooooowwwww slow.  Also, she doesn't really seem to grasp simple concepts and does not take any responsibility at all for her poor performance and insists that we are just out to get her.  By way of comparison, other employees enter/bill 100 trips a day; she enters/bills 30.  Her supervisor and manager have spent many, many, many hours coaching her and training her and trying to get her up to speed.  They've taken away extra tasks and assigned them to other employees and when she still wasn't able to hit the minimum requirement, they took another chunk of responsibility away from her and sent her through training again.  During all of this she has maintained that there's not a problem and that they're just picking on her.

The supervisor and manager don't want to fire her, my boss doesn't want to fire her, no one wants to get rid of her, but there's nowhere else for her to go within the organization.  I guess the reason I'm writing this is because I get SO tired of hearing people say things like, "HR is out to screw people", "Corporations only care about the bottom line", "Employees are just numbers", blah, blah, blah.  You know what?  SHUT THE FUCK UP.  Of course companies are concerned with the bottom line! If you work for a company that isn't,  I suggest you start looking for a new place of employment, because yours isn't going to be around for long.  HR is NOT out to screw people.  Holy crap, do you even know how much fucking paperwork is involved to write-up and/or fire someone?  How much extra documentation has to be done?  It's ridiculous.  HR doesn't want to screw you.  HR doesn't even want to deal with you, so there's no way in hell they're TRYING to get you in trouble.  As far as employees being "just numbers", that's just dumb.  It's a symbiotic relationship.  The company exists to make money.  That's its function.  In order to make money, the company must have employees and in order to pay the employees the company must make money, so the employees must perform in a satisfactory and productive manner in order for the company to make the money to pay the employee for the satisfactory and productive work.  SEE?  It's a cycle.  They depend on each other.

Are there incompetent, jackassy, unethical, supervisors, managers, and directors in companies?  Absolutely.  Does management sometimes hate one of their employees?  FOR sure.  But, overall, supervisors, managers, and HR are all there, the same as you, trying to do a good job.  Trying to balance the needs of the company with the needs of the many employees.  They're trying to get their work done, while they review yours and they don't want to discipline or fire people.  They will hold many meetings (and sometimes sweep things under the rug) and review policies and lose sleep over the decision to terminate someone's employment.  The COMPANY may be an entity, but the people making the decisions and doing the hard task of writing someone up or eventually firing them are PEOPLE.  These people really aren't rubbing their hands together and twirling their mustaches and cackling with glee over the prospect of screwing you over, they're trying to find ways to help you, so that you are a productive and satisfactory part of the work cycle.  Please stop believing that Corporate America is out to GET YOU.  That seriously doesn't even make sense if you really stop to think about it and every time you repeat that little motto, it helps to create an environment of distrust and resentment and takes away YOUR ownership of your own life and your own destiny.  It makes you a victim.  Stop it.

Unless you're an asshole.  Then maybe your HR department is out to get you.  (I'm kidding.  Mostly.)

Conversations with My Father - Pt. 5

Dad:  I bought you some eggs.

Me:  Oh, um, thanks?
Dad:  From the bar.
Me:  You bought me eggs at a bar?  What?  Are they pickled or something?

Dad:  No.  God.  From the Farley's farm.  They have chickens.

Me:  Oh, ok, well now that you've cleared that up...

Dad:  And I got you some of that pepper cheese you like.

Me:  Do they have cows, too?

Dad:  What?  Who said anything about cows?  *Chickens*.

Me:  I know, chickens make eggs, but cows make cheese.  Well, they don't MAKE cheese, but, you know.

Dad:  What the hell are you talking about?  

Me:  Right.  I'm the crazy one.

Dad:  Oh, no, the cheese is from Sam the Amish Cheese guy.

Me:  There's an Amish guy who sells cheese in the bar?  Does he drive his buggy into the city?

Dad:  Dammit, Lainey!  No, Sam's not Amish, he sells Amish cheese.

Me:  Ok, well that was unclear.  You said "Sam, the AMISH cheese guy", not "Sam, the Amish CHEESE guy".

Dad:  What?

Me:  The emphasis would be different.

Dad:  I didn't emphasize anything - YOU did.

Me:  I know, I just... never mind.  Thank you.

Phone rings 20 seconds later...

Dad:  They also have goats.

Me:  WHAT?

Dad:  The Farleys.  Chickens and goats, but they don't have goat cheese.  Do you want me to ask Sam, the Amish CHEESE guy if they have goat cheese?

Me:  No, I don't like goat cheese, but thanks.

Dad:  Then why did you ask about goats?

Me:  WHAT?  I didn't say anything about goats - YOU did.

Dad:  I don't think that's true, but if you say so.  Why would you lie about goats?

Me:  I ... do you TRY to make my head hurt?

PS:  I was trying to find an appropriate photo to accompany this post, but INSTEAD I found Pygmy goats and OHMYGOD, now I want a Pygmy goat more than anything!  Look how cute they are.