End of the Year EXTRAVAGANZA!!*

*Not really if you're going by the actual definition of EXTRAVAGANZA.

So, 2010 is ending and I can't complain.  I've had a pretty decent year.  I lost (what I thought was) a good friend, but I've made a lot more.  I've been remarkably healthy (did I just jinx the shit out of myself?) and so has my dad (I'm sure I just jinxed him).  I got my apartment Extreme Makeover-ed, ok, not technically, but I did get nice new carpet, paint, windows, and furniture.  Hell, I have HEATED STEPS up to my back porch, so yeah, that's awesome and nothing to sneeze at.  I've met some Pajiban/Facebook friends this year.  Maybe had sex with one or more of them.  That was fun!  And I tried a whole bunch of stuff I've never tried before (that's not related to the last sentence about sex).  Turns out that macaroni and cheese is pretty damn good.  WHO KNEW?  Oh, right.  Everyone.  But, just for the record, I still haven't tried that fluorescent orange shit in the blue box and I don't intend to.  I also tried a few fancy beers and it turns out that I kind of like them a little and would maybe want to try more.  This coming from the girl who didn't like Bud Light because it "tastes too beerish". 

What else?  I got a new cat, because why not?  He's chatty as hell and oppressively affectionate, but he's nice to have around since the other one only pays attention to me when she wants food.  Willow hates him, but I think she'll warm up.  She's too nosy to just ignore him, so I suspect he'll grow on her after a bit.  Speaking of, Thirteen has become not only tolerable, but actually likable.  I certainly didn't see that coming!   Oh, and Coke Zero is still delicious, despite what CERTAIN people (*coughKolbycough*) say. 

I never imagined that I'd be 40 and single and living in Ohio, it's not like it was my dream as a child, but turns out, it's not so bad.  Just a few years ago, I couldn't imagine making enough money to live comfortably, having a career I'm good at (and mostly like, though I'll deny it), and enjoying my life.  Enjoying my friends.  Enjoying my comfort with myself.  It's actually kind of neat.

So, I hope 2011 is as good or better for me than 2010 was and for my friends who had less delightful years, I hope 2011 kicks the shit out of 2010 for you!

Thanks for coming around year after year!  Especially you folks who keep searching for "what's the opposite of exciting" and winding up here.  You have NO idea how much that amuses me. 

Cheers and Happy New Year!

Pucker Up!

Ok, so you guys know how I maybe have a wee addiction to lip balm, right?  It might be out of control now.  I've designed the entire theme of Employee Appreciation Week around my addiction.

A couple of months ago, my boss, Thirteen, and I went to an HR conference.  There were a bunch of different vendors with booths & swag, and one of them, the Cleveland Zoo, was passing out lip balms with their logo.  Ok, well A) The ZOO!!!  and B)  Lip Balm!!!  Hello, happy Lainey!  Turns out that this is like the best lip balm ever (Yes, I say that about EVERY new lip balm, but this time I mean it.  It's like I tell every guy that he's THE BEST, I'm sure I've actually meant it once or twice...) and the label lists some company in Cleveland that makes it.

I looked it up and they will make lip balms for your company, with your logo, for some ridiculously cheap fee of like $.50/tube.  The catch is that you have to buy 100+.  Here's the thing, I actually THOUGHT about buying them myself, putting MY logo on them (Bobainey Balm - Pamper your pucker, sucker!  Cute, right?  I KNOW!), and then sending them to you kids with your Christmas cards, but then the reality set in of having 100 lip balms sitting in my house and me having to actually address and mail 80+ Christmas cards, which would STILL leave me with 20 lip balms, and yeah, that idea fizzled out.

I did some thinking and then some more and then I took a nap.  Then it dawned on me!  If we make Employee Appreciation Week be about relaxation and pampering, I could totally order these for our employees, get the company to pay for it, AND have my own personal stockpile of fantastic lip balm!  I AM AN EMMEREFFING GENIUS!

Wait, it gets BETTER!  So, because Thirteen enjoys projects, I assigned this to her.  She got in touch with them to get pricing information and other pertinent info and they sent us a DOZEN lip balms to choose from before we order ours for the employees.  I now have SEVEN lip balms sitting on my desk.  SEVEN.  So great.  (I let her keep 3 and give 2 to the admin assistant because I'm benevolent and a good sharer and shit.)

Oh, so anyway, Employee Appreciation Week is still going to be all about pampering and relaxation and feature the lip balms, but I don't even care anymore, I got what I wanted. We're also having cookies and tea.  Because I LIKE COOKIES. 

The end.

Extra Whinyless No Whining Wednesday

Today's No Whining Wednesday post is going to shock you!  You should probably make sure you're sitting down.  If you have a nervous condition or startle easily, you may not want to read this.  Are you ready?  Are you SURE?  Ok, don't say I didn't warn you...

Thirteen is being helpful and is only barely getting on my nerves.

I know, right??  None of you saw THAT coming, did you?  Me either!  I don't know if she changed medications or has just finally settled into the job and relaxed a bit or if I've finally gotten used to her, but I've noticed that the last few weeks (I don't know how long it's been - I have no concept of time) she really doesn't seem to bother me.  She asks questions still, but not stupid questions and she doesn't babble about Robert Pattinson or fucking Twilight, so there's a huge improvement right there.  Plus, you can ask her to do anything and she'll just do it.  It's awesome!  She doesn't question it or complain, she just does it.  It's so cool!  We're working on a giant, icky project our boss gave us and she whined a bit about how stupid it is (and she's not wrong!), but she buckled down and did it and didn't bug me once.  I'm gonna' give her a sticker tomorrow if she keeps up the SUPER attitude!

So, yeah, that's pretty noteworthy, right?  Hmm, what else is going on?  Not much.  Life in 2010 is pretty much like 2009.  I still have my Christmas tree up, which really shouldn't surprise anyone.  Um, what else?  I've been watching "The Wire" and it's good, but I'm not blown away.  Uhhhh, what else...

Oh , here's some more of those things to be happy about from that calendar:

• Picnics around the fireplace
• Using chopsticks
• Chocolate fondue
• Commonsense folk sayings
• Sea monkeys
• Pockets of tranquility (which I originally read as "tranquilizers" - I like mine better.)
• A terrific hair day
• Lyrics sung incorrectly
• A glassed-in sun porch (which I think some people call a "Florida Room" - how cute is *that*?)
• Short naps

What else?  Oh YEAH, that boy?  He's coming to visit me this weekend!  Hugegianthappyface!

What's going on with you?  Did you have a good New Year's Eve?  Has your 2010 been good so far?

Happy No Whining Wednesday!

The World's Second Smallest Violin...

The world's smallest violin actually belongs to a co-worker.  She has a "bad" day, every day.  Seriously, how do you have a bad day every day?  If every day is bad, you're doing it wrong. 


All that aside, I'm about to bow the strings of my runner-up, wee violin.  Tomorrow is No Whining Wednesday and yet, all I can do is whine.  All I want to do is whine  Whining just sounds SO good right now.

I feel that I may be coming down with bronchitis.  I'm actually certain of it.  When I smoked, I used to get it every year and it suh-hucked!  Since I quit, almost 3 years ago, I haven't gotten sick, but I recognize that burn in my chest;   that scratchy burn in my throat that spreads down to my lungs.  Ugh.  So, yeah, not that there's ever really a good time to get sick, but now is the opposite of a good time. 

 - Job Fair with Stupid Thirteen (I've expanded her name) all day on Wednesday.  I have to talk to people and smile and be friendly.  I have to coax people to talk and I have to talk loudly over the din of the crowded room.  Army Douche better not be there, that's all I'm gonna' say about that.

 - After the job fair, I'm meeting with the HR ladies I befriended.  We've already postponed our get-together twice now, so I'd feel really sucky if I had to reschedule it again, but the idea of talking to job seekers and Stupid Thirteen all day and then going out to talk about work for another couple of hours just fills me with dread.

- Thursday we're bringing in lunch and serving it to our staff as part of Employee Appreciation Week.  I just don't think my hacking and throat clearing is going to be appetizing for 300+ employees trying to eat their food.

 - The Vice President offered my services to one of the Vice Presidents in the Denver office (because he doesn't have an assistant  - I don't know why, I only know that he should have one) to help him edit his budget presentation.  I helped our VP with his and I'm certain it's karma's way of teaching me a lesson because, you guys, I totally gloated about red-lining his presentation on Facebook.  Now, I'm paying for it.  In addition to being out of the office for a full day and then doing employee relations shit all week and OH YEAH, heading that damned committee that he assigned me to a couple of weeks ago, what I really need is to get loaned out to another executive.   

 - Angel-ica and I are supposed to get together this weekend to play with the Wii Sports Resort and maybe watch Drag Me to Hell, but unless I can do this while laying in bed, doped up on antibiotics and cough syrup with codeine, this doesn't sound the least bit appealing to me.

- And FINALLY, my sexyfuntime friend is back in town next week and DAMMIT, I was looking forward to making the sessy with him and generally not coughing up phlegm globs while he's ripping my clothes o.... ahem...I mean, while we're playing a rousing game of Yahtzee!  Naked!  We've been sending dirty, sessy texts and emails for the past week in anticipation of seeing each other & now instead, the only thing I want in my mouth is a lozenge.  Yeah, I just said that, 'cause I'm a filthy hoo-er.

So, now I need you guys.  At the risk of sounding even more obnoxiously dorky than I normally sound, I need your positive energy today to be my "medicine" (or I'll take codeine cough syrup if you have that instead).  What good things are going on with you?  How's your life?

If you would like to spoil the day for a grouch, give him a smile.

So, Monday starts Employee Appreciation Week at my office.  This basically means the Admin Assistant, Dana (truly one of the nicest people I've ever met), and I will spend a week (and a shit load of our time and patience) trying to make 360 employees feel appreciated.  They will in turn make us feel like slapping them.  No matter what we do, it won't be enough.  No matter how much we give, it won't be enough.  No matter how hard we try, it won't be enough.  That said, 11 people will appreciate our efforts.  It's the same 11 people every year and I've come to value them above all the rest.

Dana and I spent Friday afternoon shopping for supplies and planning the logistics of the week.  Last Thursday, I gathered the aforementioned 11 positive and grateful employees and dubbed them the Attitude Ambassadors (because I am a GIANT nerd).  I gave them each 2 little plastic smiley face trophies with the instruction that they are to give them out this week to people who do nice things for others or people they see being helpful or good role models.  Additionally, those employees who receive the awards are supposed to give the trophies away to other co-workers who have been helpful or kind to them...and so on...  I also gave them silly little smiley face stickers and asked them to give them to employees who looked like they were stressed or weren't having a good day.  I asked them not to tell the employees to "smile!"( because that makes me fucking stabby), but they should give the bummed co-worker a sticker and just nicely tell them that they hope their day gets better or a similar sentiment.  I'm really hoping that their example will influence the behavior and attitudes of the other employees.

Some of the activities we have planned for the week include:

• Jeans and tennis shoes every day.

• Raffle tickets will be passed out and all week we'll draw numbers for $25 gift cards to Kohl's, Best Buy, Olive Garden, Old Navy, Bed, Bath & Beyond, Giant Eagle, and Outback Steakhouse.  (haaa, I kept typing Steakhorse - totally different!)

• Monday, smiley face notepads and 4-color pens with our company's logo will be distributed to everyone.
  

• Tuesday will be Creative Arts Day.   The staff can wear their favorite movie, tv show or band/concert t-shirt (I'll be wearing my WhiskyBabyNinjaStar shirt, because no one will know what the hell it is and I'll probably say it's a band if anyone asks).  We'll be doing a DVD/VHS movie swap where they can bring in old CD's/movies/games and either trade them or just donate them  & we'll give them to the local library.  We're also giving everyone microwave popcorn packs with our company logo on them and putting big bowls of popcorn, M&M's, Red Hots, Lemon Heads and Milk Duds in all of the break rooms to munch on throughout the day and we're continuing the raffle, but the prizes are $10 gift cards for AMC Theaters and iTunes.  I think we have 10 of those to give away.
  

• Wednesday I'll be at a job fair all day with stupid Thirteen, but the kids at work will be getting caramel apples.  There better be some leftover apples for me when I come back on Thursday because caramel apples are one of my favorite things.  They're totally healthy 'cause they're fruit, dammit!

• Thursday we're having a catered lunch of roasted chicken, cheesy potatoes (these potatoes are TO DIE for!), applesauce, coleslaw and rolls & butter with yummy giant cookies for dessert.  I feel like we're doing something else on Thursday, but I can't think of what it is right now.

• Friday is Sports Day and employees can wear their favorite sports team jersey, t-shirt or sweatshirt.  It's also Boss's Day and for all of the Team Leads, Supervisors, Managers and Directors we have handmade AMAZINGLY delicious shortbread cookies iced to look like smiley faces.  They will also get pretty little brightly-colored wooden boxes with sayings written inside, like "Every day you get more wonderful".  Inside the boxes we'll be putting magnets with different sayings like "Live.  Laugh.  Love." and other hippy dippy phrases.  And then, because I'm 9, we also have a whole bunch of smiley face toys to give to them.  Smiley face slap bracelets and pencils; those paddle things with the string and the ball; smiley face stress balls; little plastic slinkies with smiley faces on them, etc., you get the idea.  Junky, fun, little things that they can keep or take home to their kids. 

That's our week.  It comes once a year in October and Dana and I plan and look forward to it.  We put a shit-ton of effort and creativity into and every year end up feeling bad because the employees are assholes.  But *this* year, I'm not going to let the negative ones get to me.  I'm going to focus my attention and energy on the ones who appreciate it and who genuinely feel appreciated, because we DO appreciate our employees.   This year, I'm going to have fun!

Life: You're Doing it Wrong

So, here's a little entry that's not the SEX story I promised. I'll do it eventually, I swear!

Ok, so, Sarina and I were talking the other night about how flawed the interview process is. (*ahem* Please allow me to submit Exhibit 13...) We started talking about interview questions we've asked & have been asked when trying to get an applicant to open up & reveal their true personality. The weirdest, but maybe the best, interview question that was ever asked of me was:

If you were on the cover of any magazine, what magazine would it be and what would the headline read?

I don't remember what my answer was. I know I said the magazine would be "People", but I can't for the life of me remember what I said for the headline. I just remember PANICKING because I figured that they wanted to see if you'd say something like, "Time: Woman of the Year" or "Entrepreneur: 30 Millionaires Under 30" or something work-related and emphasizing my super work ethic, but of course, my brain is thinking, "Cat Fancy - How to Keep Your Fuzzy Buddy Happy!" or something equally retarded.

So, I ask you. If you were in an interview tomorrow and the question were posed to you, how would you answer it?

NWW, Wheeeee!

Hey guys, yeah, I suck. I know. That may or may not have been part of the SEX story I promised you...

I'm finding that between Pajiba, Facebook, Twitter and here, I don't really have that much to say. My boss would find that SHOCKING because I always seem to have plenty of shit to say at work. I think she'd like to institute "No Talking Wednesday". Yeah, that's just not gonna' happen. But really, I just don't have much of anything to write about. If something fun or interesting or annoying happens, I usually put it on Facebook or Twitter and then if I put it here, it seems repetitious (ok, seriously? That's a really hard word to spell!) I'm having trouble coming up with stuff that isn't 400 pages long or just a rehash of my stupid boring days. *sigh* I have no idea why you guys keep coming back. Except for Anna von Beaverplatz. She keeps coming back to see if we're actually the same person. I'm fairly certain that we are. Did you guys read her real time review of The Lost Boys? Ok, go read it. I'll wait.

Speaking of von Beav - we're going to watch Fear Wednesday night. Again, I've published this all over my damn Facebook page, so everyone but Cindy (*ahem*, dude, just come over to the Dark Side. Life is SO much nicer once you just succumb to the Pajiba peer pressure) should have seen the news that we're watching it. I'm pretty excited to watch it because a) it's a REALLY crappy movie, but I love the hell out of it and b) even though he plays a total psycho, it's where my love for Marky Mark was cemented. I love his whispery/raspy voice with the heavy Boston accent. I never had an interest in him when he had his crappy "band" or even when he was a Calvin Klein underwear model. But, as an actor, I dig him. He's got the sexiness.

What else? Oh, Wednesday is my boss's birthday. I'm picking up lunch and bringing a card for everyone to sign. I asked Thirteen if she would pick up a cake or cupcakes. She goes, "Yeah sure. I'll just bring some cookies or something." NO, DUMBASS. CAKE! Whatever. She's really lucky I haven't run over her in the parking lot yet.

I *will* post the SEX story at some point, but I haven't decided yet how much to share & I can't decide if it's even interesting to anyone but me. We'll see. I WILL tell you this though - did you know Amazon.com sells sex toys? Well, they do! Doesn't matter how I know, just say, "thanks for the valuable info, Lainey". You're welcome!

So, you guys up for another round of No Whining Wednesday? Are you still into it? I am! I can't believe the effect it has on my mood. It's amazing the difference I feel when I know that I don't necessarily have to be Suzy Sunshine, but I also know that I can't be Debbie Downer. That second of checking myself before I automatically bitch about something or the energy I redirect from whining to finding something positive in the situation. It really puts me in a better mood from the moment I wake up. Does it do that for you too or are you all just humoring me? I hope it's doing something for each of you. Even if it's just for a couple of minutes a week. Your comments and positive energy are like a drug for me and I look forward to Wednesdays now. Thanks for that!

And now that I've babbled on and on, Happy No Whining Wednesday! Gimme my fix!

Waaahhhhh....

My word, this week has flown. FLOWN, I say! It's time for No Whining Wednesday again already.

I found myself looking forward to it today when I started getting a tidge cranky and picking at the little things. It's been a rough few weeks at work and if I let myself, I can easily wallow in the crapitude and negativity. I'm looking at Wednesdays as a palate cleanser, you know? A good time to stop. Take a deep breath. Reevaluate things. Refocus my energy.

I definitely plan to add to it after work on Wednesday and I really hope to be able to get even MORE positivity (is that a real word?) from your comments, but here's my good stuff for now.

* It's been in the low-to-mid 70's (I have no idea what that is in Celsius. I think I have to do math to figure it out and that's just not gonna' happen) with nice breezes for most of July. It's so wonderful to be able to sleep with the windows open and not sweat to death. PLUS, I'm not a Josie Grossie, from the nasty heat and humidity, by the time I get from the parking lot to my office every day.

* I got "Coraline" in the mail on Monday and I'm so going to watch it after work. This pleases me to no end!

* Speaking of movies, the lovely and talented Anna von Beaverplatz and I had a virtual movie date. We watched "Galaxy Quest" and chatted online during it and it was SO much fun! We're going to do it again soon and I think we've selected the fanfreakingtastically AWESOME "Fear" with Mark Wahlberg (who I secretly love and I don't even care. Suck it.) and Reese Witherspoon. Anyone who wants to join us is more than welcome! OOOH AND? I drank a Pepsi Throwback while we watched. First, I can't remember the last time I drank a non-diet soda and secondly, NO clue the last time I had one with sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup, but it wasn't bad. It's kind of spicy tasting, which I was unprepared for, but not unpleasant at all... Sorry, that was kind of tangenty, wasn't it? I'm SORRY. I've had quite a bit of caffeine and sugar this evening and my thoughts aren't exactly linear!!! I might be a tiny bit excitable. (!!!!)

* And finally - Thirteen is still annoying as hell, BUT she checks her notes before she asks me questions AND she is starting to actually take some initiative and has been *helpful* a few times. Progress!

Ok guys, your turn. What's the good stuff in your lives? Hell, I'll settle for things that are making you less stabby today...

I've Made a Huge Mistake...

Hey kids, remember when I said Thirteen was sucking my will to live? Yeah, I wasn't lying. She's seriously making me hate my job. This is so not cool, because as much as I bitch about it, I basically love my job.

It's like working with an OCD Chihuahua. She's nervous, yappy, repetitive and annoying as hell and I need to like her, but I can't figure out how. My boss called me into her office the other day. She said, "Do you have any idea how funny it is for me to listen to you talk to her all day long and by about 3:00, you're just done. You've had it with being polite. You've had it with being helpful. You're just done."

I was a bit concerned and I honestly felt bad! I said, "Do you think she can tell?"

My boss, who is SO going to Hell, said,"Oh nooooooo, that's the HILARIOUS part! She has no idea how close you are to ripping her face off! I'm pretty sure she thinks you guys are buds!"

Super.

I have to go to a job fair with her all day on Wednesday. Now, if you remember from my earlier post, job fairs are painful, exhausting and an exercise in patience & acting. With Jackie, we could help each other out and keep the mood light, so the day didn't seem quite so heinous. Yeah, I don't really see this happening with Thirteen.

Here are some reasons that she makes me want to punch her in the head:

* She asks the same question OVER AND OVER and never refers to her notes. When I remind her that we've gone over this and it's probably in her notes, the first thing she says is, "I don't think so." After I make her look at her notes, she says, "Oh yeah, that's right." So, wouldn't logic dictate that she should look at her notes first and then ask me?

* She shakes. She's told me that she's on several different medications for anxiety, OCD and who knows what else. That's fine. People have nervous issues, I'm cool with that. I take anti-anxiety medication when I fly. (And sometimes just for fun!) But, then with all of those different drugs in you, why are you still a quivering mass of vibrating nerves? You make ME nervous. Stop it. Plus, she twirls her hair when she's nervous, so that pretty much means *constantly*. She twirls and twirls and then her eyes glaze over when you're having a conversation and I think this explains why she doesn't retain any information. She's drugged out & zoning. Hey, if I have to be sober at work, so should she!

* She set up a webcam to watch her cat. I don't think this needs further comment.

* She's OBSESSED with all things Twilight, Edward Cullen and Robert Pattinson. First she said she didn't like RPatz, but turns out that was kind of a lie. She LOOOOOOOVES him and sends me text messages to tell me that according to the Facebook quiz she took, Robert "I need a bath" Pattinson is her celebrity dream boyfriend.

* She can't seem to read body language or facial cues. She does ok with applicants, I guess, but she can't seem to tell when I'm getting annoyed or impatient. This is bad, because I'm pretty obvious about it. If she can't read me, then it concerns me that she'll not be able to read our boss's or other upper management's tone and body language & will annoy them, which let's face it, this will come back to bite me because they'll just refuse to deal with her and will come to me instead.

* The other day, we were talking about how an employee was not going to be eligible for a referral bonus because the applicant didn't list the referring employee's name anywhere on their application or new hire paperwork. Thirteen said, "Will the employee think we 'Jewed' them out of their bonus?" Wait, WHAT??? Did you just actually fucking SAY that? I didn't even respond at the time, because I was so taken aback by the comment. Is that something the kids say nowadays? I'll have to talk to her about it sometime (soon!), but I keep waiting to hear what other completely inappropriate bon mots she's going to drop.

* I'm pretty sure she's bulimic. The girl weighs all of 100 pounds, and I see the crap she eats! She's not a nibbler. She either works out for 3 hours a day or she pukes. Also, because she's so freakin' skinny, she's cold all the time. It's JULY and she wears a sweater or coat every day. It's JULY!

* She doesn't seem to grasp the subtleties of sarcasm. She thinks I'm serious when I say something that is obviously sarcastic or facetious. When she tries to be sarcastic, it comes off as caustic & mean sounding. She tries to emulate my conversational style with the management staff, but they know me. They're used to me & I know who I can be sarcastic with and, more importantly, who I can't. She doesn't & they don't know if she's kidding or not & several have already decided she's a snotty halfwit. I've tried explaining to her that she needs to know her audience and she just glazes over and says, "Oh, right, I know. She knew I was playing." Um, nuh-uh!

Ok, I'm finished. Sorry, I just had to get that out, because, you guys, I need help! I need to like her. I need to be able to work with her & I need to be able to mentor her and I don't know what to do. I'm not saying I need to be friends with her, but I have to be able to spend 8 - 10 hours a day with her and NOT dream of ways to catch her hair in the shredder. Talking to my boss about fixing it is not an option. She's tasked me with this. Ideas? Suggestions? I'll take anything you're offering except ways to kill her or get her fired. I have enough of those...

A Hodgepodge of Blah

Few things going on. Nothing really worthy of its own entry, so I'm just going to cram 'em all into one.

First up - Thirteen is sucking my will to live. Here's a tip, never hire someone based primarily on the tv shows they watch. (Turns out you can love both "The Office" AND be obsessed with "Twilight" & Edward Cullen. Who knew?) Ok, that's not really fair. *Anyone* in this position would annoy me, while they're training, because I'm terribly impatient and not good at hiding it. BUT, when I tell someone repeatedly to take notes about something I'm teaching them and then I tell them repeatedly to use said notes for future reference, I get peeved when they completely ignore this & continue to repeatedly ask me the same question. Also, I took a vacation day today. Our boss and other co-workers are still in the office. I didn't leave her completely on her own. I told Thirteen that she could call me if she had questions. Evidently, she thinks far more literally than I do, because she's called me for every question that has popped into her head today and also to tell me her aunt's dog died last night & she's sad. She called to ask me why her computer screen is turning green when she tries to quit a program. She called to ask me if she should have an applicant take a test. She called to ask me what she should do with an application I put on her desk last night. (I put a note on the application; it said, "Give to Deb W. Ask her to call the applicant to do a phone interview".) Then she called me back to ask me where Deb sits. Dude, that's not exactly what I meant when I said call if you have questions. Whatever, I'll eat that mistake. Live and learn.

Next - I got my hair straightened last night and it went, to put it mildly, horribly wrong. I get my hair straightened every 3 or 4 months and it normally comes out just dandy. For the record and at the risk of sounding terribly conceited, I have great hair. However, it's neither curly nor straight and it's not technically wavy either. It's more bumpy. It holds curl beautifully and it straightens nicely as well. It was damn near perfect in the '80's when big hair was all the rage. In the summer, the humidity makes it frizzy and knotted underneath and it takes entirely too much effort to maintain it for work, so I get it chemically straightened. For whatever reason, the lady I've been going to for 10 years decided to do it differently than she normally does and now...well, now it's just wretched. It looks like Hat Head. Like I've been wearing a knit cap pulled tightly over my crown for approximately 37 days and now I've taken it off. My hair is FAH-LAT smooshed against my skull at the top and then hangs straight and full at the bottom, so to say it looks rather like a pyramid would not be untrue. I paid $112 for this look that I could have achieved by wearing a do rag & using a flat iron.

And finally - something's wrong with my brain. I don't talk about this, to anyone, but I'm going through a really rough patch lately because I can't get this jerk out of my head. I hate myself for loving him and I hate myself for missing him and I hate myself for being a douchey, crybaby girl, but the fact of the matter is, he was my best friend and I miss him. Every day. It doesn't go away. It doesn't hurt less. It's not getting better. My heart aches & I get a lump in my throat every single day because every single day I want to talk to him. He has a starring role in most of my dreams and I hate that I wake up every morning and the first thing I think of is him. I want him to make me laugh and I want to know how he is and I want to be able to have a friendship with him and it makes me SO angry & sad that I can't. Balls.

Since I hate ending things on a total downer, I'm sharing this little tidbit with you. I recently installed a Stat Counter because I was curious as to how people wind up here. Not surprisingly, most of you are from Pajiba or Facebook (and since the only people I have on Facebook are from Pajiba, basically you're all pretty much here from Pajiba). However, sometimes folks get here by way of Google and the shit they're searching for is HI-larious! Below are some actual search phrases that led them to this here fancy blog. Please to enjoy!

"opposite of exciting" - Okay, 3 different people searched for that and wound up here. C'mon that's just funny!

But these just baffle me:
"mom jerking daddy off"
"moms and me or two guys"
"Bang My Step Mom"
"mom told me that it is good for girly boy to suck cock"
"Mom busted boys in jerking contest on the stairs"

Welcome visitors with sexual mommy issues! Pull up a chair and stay for a while. We love new people!

Scrantonicity

After interviewing every skinny, blonde, 22-year-old girl named Courtney/Lindsay/Casey/Bailey/Kelsy/etc., we have a new recruiter. YAY!!!

We hired a skinny, brunette 22-year-old with a name ending in "Y"!

In actuality, we only interviewed 13 people (plus another 5 or 6 on the phone) and the girl we hired was number 13. From here on out, I will refer to her as "Thirteen". Couple reasons for this.

First - I can't remember her damn name! Seriously, after the parade of perky "Y's", all of them blend together in my head and I keep referring to her by the wrong name.

Second - I used a fake name for Jackie, so it's only fair that I give her a pseudonym, too.

Third - She looks kind of like Olivia Wilde who plays, "Thirteen" on House. Yes, she's 22, smart, thin and beautiful. No, I don't hate her yet.

She was one of several qualified candidates. Everyone we talked to was smart and engaging and had some or most of the skills we were looking for. It was hard to narrow it down. None of them really won us over immediately like Jackie did and my boss and I were becoming discouraged. And then Thirteen came in for her interview.

She was, honestly, no better or worse than any of the others we had talked to. However, she commented on "The Office" calendar hanging on my bulletin board. She asked if I was a fan and I said that my boss and I love it. She smiled and said she liked it, too. We finished the interview and at the end she asked if I would like her LinkedIn address. I said, sure. She pulled a notepad out of her purse & wrote the address on it. Imprinted across the top of the note was:

That's what *she* said.

And that's how Thirteen became the new Jackie.