The World's Second Smallest Violin...

The world's smallest violin actually belongs to a co-worker.  She has a "bad" day, every day.  Seriously, how do you have a bad day every day?  If every day is bad, you're doing it wrong. 


All that aside, I'm about to bow the strings of my runner-up, wee violin.  Tomorrow is No Whining Wednesday and yet, all I can do is whine.  All I want to do is whine  Whining just sounds SO good right now.

I feel that I may be coming down with bronchitis.  I'm actually certain of it.  When I smoked, I used to get it every year and it suh-hucked!  Since I quit, almost 3 years ago, I haven't gotten sick, but I recognize that burn in my chest;   that scratchy burn in my throat that spreads down to my lungs.  Ugh.  So, yeah, not that there's ever really a good time to get sick, but now is the opposite of a good time. 

 - Job Fair with Stupid Thirteen (I've expanded her name) all day on Wednesday.  I have to talk to people and smile and be friendly.  I have to coax people to talk and I have to talk loudly over the din of the crowded room.  Army Douche better not be there, that's all I'm gonna' say about that.

 - After the job fair, I'm meeting with the HR ladies I befriended.  We've already postponed our get-together twice now, so I'd feel really sucky if I had to reschedule it again, but the idea of talking to job seekers and Stupid Thirteen all day and then going out to talk about work for another couple of hours just fills me with dread.

- Thursday we're bringing in lunch and serving it to our staff as part of Employee Appreciation Week.  I just don't think my hacking and throat clearing is going to be appetizing for 300+ employees trying to eat their food.

 - The Vice President offered my services to one of the Vice Presidents in the Denver office (because he doesn't have an assistant  - I don't know why, I only know that he should have one) to help him edit his budget presentation.  I helped our VP with his and I'm certain it's karma's way of teaching me a lesson because, you guys, I totally gloated about red-lining his presentation on Facebook.  Now, I'm paying for it.  In addition to being out of the office for a full day and then doing employee relations shit all week and OH YEAH, heading that damned committee that he assigned me to a couple of weeks ago, what I really need is to get loaned out to another executive.   

 - Angel-ica and I are supposed to get together this weekend to play with the Wii Sports Resort and maybe watch Drag Me to Hell, but unless I can do this while laying in bed, doped up on antibiotics and cough syrup with codeine, this doesn't sound the least bit appealing to me.

- And FINALLY, my sexyfuntime friend is back in town next week and DAMMIT, I was looking forward to making the sessy with him and generally not coughing up phlegm globs while he's ripping my clothes o.... ahem...I mean, while we're playing a rousing game of Yahtzee!  Naked!  We've been sending dirty, sessy texts and emails for the past week in anticipation of seeing each other & now instead, the only thing I want in my mouth is a lozenge.  Yeah, I just said that, 'cause I'm a filthy hoo-er.

So, now I need you guys.  At the risk of sounding even more obnoxiously dorky than I normally sound, I need your positive energy today to be my "medicine" (or I'll take codeine cough syrup if you have that instead).  What good things are going on with you?  How's your life?

I Am Not the Mom of You!

This has been a challenging week at work.  Well, hell, most weeks are challenging, this one has just been mildly more irritating in its challenges.  I was tasked by the VP and Directors to create & head a committee of employees to come up with ways to "fix" the office.  Fix morale, fix shitty attitudes, fix low productivity, fix high turnover.  Yeah, that shouldn't be too hard, right?  I mean, gee, "Here Lainey, in addition to all of your regular responsibilities, we are charging you with changing the attitudes of 370 people of varying personalities, ages, genders, socio-economic backgrounds, etc.  You need to make 370 people 'like each other and like their jobs'.  You're creative and we haven't been able to do it, so here ya' go.  Make it happen!"

So, I'll get on that this week, but I have to make sure I leave time for the following conversations that I have daily:  (I'm not making any of these up.)

Employee #1 - I don't know what to do anymore.  The co-worker in the next cube over eats chips and salsa every afternoon and the smell is killing me.  Can you make her stop or move my desk?

Employee #2 - My co-worker hums.  It's really annoying and I can't take it anymore.  Also, she chews gum pretty loud.  Can you please send out an email telling people to be respectful of the people around them?

Employee #3 - Someone is wearing really strong perfume or lotion and it's giving me a headache.  Can you please send out a reminder email that people shouldn't wear strong scents because some people are sensitive and have allergies?  (By the way, we send this out at least 5 times a year and we cover it EXTENSIVELY in New Hire Orientation.  It doesn't work.)

Employee #4 - My co-worker made fun of me today because I'd never heard of putting sour cream on jojos.  My grandmother is dying and I don't appreciate being made fun of.  Can you please move her to another department or tell her she can only talk to me about work-related things?

Employee #5 - Why do the heavier employees get to wear leggings/stretch pants if the rest of us can't?  I don't think it's fair.  They have stores for bigger people, why can't they get clothes that fit them when we're expected to adhere to the dress code?

Employee #6 - I need copies of my paystubs for the last 12 months.  (Me: did you save any of them?) I have most of them at home, but they're not in any kind of order and I'm missing some, but I don't know which ones and I need them today because I'm trying to get a loan.  Can you just print them all out?  (Without going into the system and individually opening 26 paystubs and reprinting them, no, I can't just print them all out.)

Employee #7 - (Anonymous note on my desk) Please make the supervisors stop calling employees "honey" or "sweetie".  It's insulting and demeaning.  It's unprofessional.  They should be written-up.

Employee #8 - My supervisor has cankles and someone needs to make her wear long pants instead of skirts because it makes me want to puke when I see her legs.  (Ok, I *might* have made this one up, but it's not that far-fetched.)

Employee #9 - Someone stole my Pepsi out of the refrigerator.  This is the 5th time this has happened.  Can we set up a security camera?  (Yes, we'll set up a camera for your $.60 soda.)

Employee #10 (my boss) - Ohmygod, did you watch "Two and a Half Men" last night?  It is HILARIOUS!  God, I love that show!

So, surely I'm not the only one with petty co-workers.  What's the most ridiculous/silly/whiny/petty thing you've heard from your co-irkers or supervisor?  Please help convince me that while my employees are "special", they aren't unique.

Wooosh! Wednesday Already?

I'm starting to think there's some weird time/space thing going on because DAMN, wasn't it *just* Wednesday? Ok, you know what that means. Hey, I have an idea, I'll go first!

As mentioned before, I bought a Roomba, robot vacuum. I've named him Nemo McSuckerbutt. He has a wee, semi-useless (but lucky!) fin jutting out from his side, so "Nemo" seemed a good name. McSuckerbutt, yeah, I don't really have an answer for that. It just popped into my brain and decided to stick there. I'll probably just call it Nemo. Anyway, my point is, I love him! He's vacuuming my kitchen RIGHT NOW! I swear to God, it's like living with the Jetsons.

Also, I took some of your advice and a smidge of my own and I made some plans. Nothing big, nothing fancy, just plans to be NOT in my house. Well, kinda' to be in my house, but to be in my house with OTHER PEOPLE, so that's progress, right? I emailed a couple of Human Resources ladies that I've met at various HR-related shindigs and asked them if they wanted to meet for drinks and to trade war stories and they said yes! We met tonight for a couple of hours and chatted about really boring HR crap, but it wasn't boring to us, it was pretty entertaining. It helped all of us to know that people act like fucking morons everywhere and it's not just our employees and we each took away a couple of ideas for morale building. In fact, I told them about No Whining Wednesday and they're taking it back to their offices to spread the positive vibes! Also, I called my friend Angelica and we made plans to go get dinner next Friday and then come back to my house & watch "The Soup" and play some Wii Sports Resort. Baby steps, baby steps...

Ok, I have to go rehearse a 2-hour, 180-page, idiotic Sexual Harassment and Workplace Violence Prevention presentation for tomorrow. I promise to do my level best to maintain the integrity of No Whining Wednesday, but I may slip into Sorta' Whining Wednesday since I have to go in an hour early AND I have to stand up in front of a group for 2 hours AND not be an asshole while I'm doing it. That's an awful lot!

I hope you all have a wonderful Wednesday and I'm looking forward to reading all about it! If you're looking for inspiration, check out Be The Change. The links will make your heart smile!

I Guess It Was Inevitable...

It appears that I have finally reached the age where I've become invisible to men. I knew it would happen eventually 'cause I've totally seen it happen to other women. I've watched a group of guys crane their necks like prairie dogs when any butterface under 28 walks into the room, but not even turn their heads slightly when an average looking 40ish woman walks up to the bar next to them. I just didn't expect it to happen to me so soon! I've always been tiny, moderately cute, with big boobs and a big smile. I've never been "hot", but I've always been kind of cute. It's not like I ever had guys swarming around me or fighting to buy me a drink, but I've grown accustomed to being overtly and covertly checked out. Yeah, so, not anymore, I guess.

Yesterday was Jackie's last day. As if that wasn't sucktacular enough, last night I had to go for drinks & dinner with the obnoxious VP, two of the Directors (yes, one of them is this guy and no, THANKFULLY, one of them *wasn't* this one), the head of HR, my boss and Jackie. The word excruciating is too mild. Christ on a cracker! Do you think executive-types have any idea how preposterously self-important they sound? Do you think they listen to each other and think "Oh man, I can totally top your self-involved, self-congratulatory boring-ass story!"?

::Tangent::
A couple months ago the VP held a "Come to Jesus" meeting with the staff and reminded them of the economy and how important it is to make the office more efficient and blah, blah, blah. He cut the shit out of the supply order budget and eliminated non-essential things like raises (ok, so technically Corporate put the kibosh on raises, but it makes my rant sound better if it came from him directly, so, deal with it) and employee relations stuff like parties and the summer picnic. Everyone was fairly supportive because no one wants to lose their job because we were buying too many highlighters and scotch tape, so the belt-tightening didn't elicit much complaint or whining from the normally whiny staff. Last night, the VP & his gang of ass-kissers are talking about redecorating the Executive Conference Room. "You know, really making it the centerpiece of the office. When execs and management from other offices come to town, we should be able to represent ourselves with a Grade A conference room that reflects our professionalism." Really, dude? How do you think that's gonna' go over with the $11/hour employees who can't order fucking paperclips? Do you think they're not going to notice that the summer picnic isn't being held in the shiny new Executive Conference Room? Whatever. Shit like this is why everyone hates you, jerkface.
::End Tangent::

Sorry, sorry, sorry - got off track a bit. Anyway, the restaurant we went to for drinks is a swanky little place near our office downtown. It was early when we got there, 4:00ish. By 5:15 or so, the place was full of people. Predominantly men people. Business men. Button down shirts, ties, polished shoes. I'm going to guess mostly between the ages of 26 - 36. They stood in groups of 4 or 5 and all had some sort of product in their hair. In the days of yore, this would be exactly my crowd of mens. I do not like scruffy. I do not like sloppy. I do not like shaggy. I enjoy a man in a pressed shirt & tie, wearing dress slacks with a cuff. I make pretty good money and frankly, I prefer being with a guy who does too and doesn't need me to pay for the whole pizza because he "doesn't get paid until next Thursday and I gotta' get my car out of the shop, so I only have $3.67 in change until then. You don't mind, do ya' babe? I promise I'll pay you back next week and by the way, can you loan me a few bucks for smokes?" No...just, no.

Most days after work, I look busted. BUH-STED. I'm not even gonna' try to deny it. However, because I knew I had to attend this shindig from Hell, instead of tennis shoes & an "I give up and don't care anymore" baggy, non-cleavagy top, I wore a fitted, summery blouse with my jeans & heels. I even put on colored lip gloss, which I rarely wear and added an extra dab of concealer to my woefully dark under eye circles. I looked cute, but not at all whoreish. (YES, I'm getting to the point. Shut-up!) During the pre-dinner drinks, I probably went to the ladies' room 4 times (A. As previously mentioned, my bladder is the size of a walnut and B. Sometimes I just needed to get the fuck away from their incessant blathering for a few minutes). On my way to and from the powder room, I came into contact with approximately 23 men. Not one looked at me. Not ONE. Not a single guy smiled at me or nodded "hello" or even bothered to get the hell out of my way. I had to squeeze past 2 who wouldn't even acknowledge my existence enough to move a half-step to their side to let me pass them.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. Again, please understand, it's not like men were crawling all over me when I was younger, I don't mean to give that impression, but to be practically invisible is a brand-spanking new phenomenon to me. It makes me sad that this is the rest of my life from now on. I have officially become an old broad. The kind that "still looks pretty good for her age" or the one that "was probably smokin' when she was young". And unless I dress like a slutty Cougar or start hanging out where they serve an Early Bird Special, I don't think there's really much I can do about it. Blerg.

Do any of you have a grandpa you want to hook me up with?