HR Has Feelings, Too, You Know!

First off, I hate talking or writing about work.  Work is boring.  No one wants to hear about someone else's work.  Why should I presume to think that MY work is any more interesting or valid than anyone else's?  That said, I'm about to launch into a story/rant about work.  So, you've been warned and can now choose your own adventure:  quit now and go do something else or keep reading knowing that I'm babbling about work.  Oh, and it's not a funny story.  I feel like I should also say that upfront.    It's not sad or anything, but it's not something you're going to think, "Oh, that Lainey!  What a character!"  That's probably not gonna' happen.  If it does, please feel free to let me know.

I spent over an hour in a meeting today to discuss what to do about an under-performing employee.  This is the third such meeting I've been in over the past 2 weeks.   All about different employees.  The focus of today's meeting was a middle-aged woman with some type of illness (maybe Parkinson's?) that she's not really willing to discuss with us and that she INSISTS is not affecting her productivity in any way.  It should be noted that this employee has either had this affliction since she started with us 5 years ago or she's just always been an under-performing employee.  Her problem is that she's slow.  Like sllllooooooowwwww slow.  Also, she doesn't really seem to grasp simple concepts and does not take any responsibility at all for her poor performance and insists that we are just out to get her.  By way of comparison, other employees enter/bill 100 trips a day; she enters/bills 30.  Her supervisor and manager have spent many, many, many hours coaching her and training her and trying to get her up to speed.  They've taken away extra tasks and assigned them to other employees and when she still wasn't able to hit the minimum requirement, they took another chunk of responsibility away from her and sent her through training again.  During all of this she has maintained that there's not a problem and that they're just picking on her.

The supervisor and manager don't want to fire her, my boss doesn't want to fire her, no one wants to get rid of her, but there's nowhere else for her to go within the organization.  I guess the reason I'm writing this is because I get SO tired of hearing people say things like, "HR is out to screw people", "Corporations only care about the bottom line", "Employees are just numbers", blah, blah, blah.  You know what?  SHUT THE FUCK UP.  Of course companies are concerned with the bottom line! If you work for a company that isn't,  I suggest you start looking for a new place of employment, because yours isn't going to be around for long.  HR is NOT out to screw people.  Holy crap, do you even know how much fucking paperwork is involved to write-up and/or fire someone?  How much extra documentation has to be done?  It's ridiculous.  HR doesn't want to screw you.  HR doesn't even want to deal with you, so there's no way in hell they're TRYING to get you in trouble.  As far as employees being "just numbers", that's just dumb.  It's a symbiotic relationship.  The company exists to make money.  That's its function.  In order to make money, the company must have employees and in order to pay the employees the company must make money, so the employees must perform in a satisfactory and productive manner in order for the company to make the money to pay the employee for the satisfactory and productive work.  SEE?  It's a cycle.  They depend on each other.

Are there incompetent, jackassy, unethical, supervisors, managers, and directors in companies?  Absolutely.  Does management sometimes hate one of their employees?  FOR sure.  But, overall, supervisors, managers, and HR are all there, the same as you, trying to do a good job.  Trying to balance the needs of the company with the needs of the many employees.  They're trying to get their work done, while they review yours and they don't want to discipline or fire people.  They will hold many meetings (and sometimes sweep things under the rug) and review policies and lose sleep over the decision to terminate someone's employment.  The COMPANY may be an entity, but the people making the decisions and doing the hard task of writing someone up or eventually firing them are PEOPLE.  These people really aren't rubbing their hands together and twirling their mustaches and cackling with glee over the prospect of screwing you over, they're trying to find ways to help you, so that you are a productive and satisfactory part of the work cycle.  Please stop believing that Corporate America is out to GET YOU.  That seriously doesn't even make sense if you really stop to think about it and every time you repeat that little motto, it helps to create an environment of distrust and resentment and takes away YOUR ownership of your own life and your own destiny.  It makes you a victim.  Stop it.

Unless you're an asshole.  Then maybe your HR department is out to get you.  (I'm kidding.  Mostly.)

What a Weird Day

Hi!  I think it's only fair to warn you that this will not be interesting or entertaining, but hey, that's just how life goes sometimes, ya' know?

So, last night I did not sleep well at all.  I suck at sleeping normally, but last night I was extra bad at it and got a total of maybe 3 hours and yet still woke up in a fairly decent mood.  I bopped out to my car this morning and grabbed my sunglasses from their spot, put the key in the ignition, all the lights lit up, and then nothing.  Car no go.  I called my friend, the race car driver, because he knows a bit about engines and also because WHO WOULDN'T want to talk to me first thing on a Monday morning?  He asked a couple of questions and told me it was the battery (which, I totally thought he was full of shit because the lights and stuff worked, but I went with it anyway, because, well, he's a guy and he knows about cars and because I didn't feel like arguing with him) and that a jump would probably get it started and I should get a new battery.  I called my boss and said I'd be late (oh and I had Thursday afternoon and Friday off, so I'm SURE my boss was all, "Really?  Seriously, you're going to call in late on a Monday after a long weekend?  Really?") and then called my dad and woke him up.  I asked him if he would jump my car (even though I still really didn't think it would be that simple) and he, because he's a very nice guy, said sure and then showed up in his boxers.  He at least had the decency to put on a shirt, but evidently it was too difficult to pull on a pair of jeans over those boxers...  Anyway, he told me my jumper cables were "girl cables" (No, they were not pink.  I don't know what the hell "girl cables" are, but whatever) and would use his instead.  Hooked it up and voila' - started right up.  Dammit, I hate it when that boy is right! (Thank you!)  Oh and then my dad taught me how to use the jumper cables - twice, because I am apparently not bright enough to understand red to red and positive to positive and the directions written on the tag attached to the cables...

Most of the day went by as usual - catching up on emails and FMLA paperwork and reading the EMPHATIC opinions of the LOST finale, when my boss called me in to her office.  So check this out, we have an employee who is sabotaging another employee.  There's this guy who runs reports and saves them to a shared drive and then this saboteur (is that a real word?) is going in and changing his reports or deleting portions of them and this guy keeps getting blamed for having fucked up work!  I KNOW, RIGHT?  Like for months, he's been getting in trouble for errors on his reports and for missing & incorrect information and he's been going crazy telling his supervisor that he did the report correctly and everyone just thinks he's a dumbass or a lying dumbass and come to find out, his co-worker is totally SCREWING him over!  He started taking screen caps of his reports and emailing them to another co-worker, so he can prove that he did it correctly and blah, blah, blah, the IT guys did something and figured out that this co-worker of his was logging in as him, but from her computer, I don't know it's all computery... all I know is this chick is a fucking piece of work and I'm curious to see how this plays out.  AND THEN zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz sorry, I launched into a totally different REALLY boring story and decided that even I didn't care enough to finish it, so you probably wouldn't care enough either.   I'll just leave you with this - I spent $25 on a bottle of shampoo.  Because I have zero impulse control and because that damn Meg told me I should, so now I'm off to wash my hair and it better be A-FREAKIN'-MAZING.

Oh sorry, how rude of me - how are YOU?  Anything you'd like to share with the other kids?

Cost Effective AND Good for the Environment!

You guys, this week?  Holy balls.  This week has kicked me in the teeth and almost reduced me to tears a couple of times.  It's INSANE the amount of crap that's going on at work and people have done lost their damn minds!  Ohmylord.  But anyway, this isn't about that.  This entry is not a "woe is me, my job is *hard*" post.  This entry is all about the GEM I found today when emptying the Suggestion Box (Which seriously, really needs a new name. Rarely, if ever, have I had a legitimate and cost-effective/helpful suggestion come from it. In fact, truth be told, I fucking hate the Suggestion Box and think it's worthless and encourages stupidity.  One of the first "Suggestions" [Yes, it needs quotes] was for the company to pump pure oxygen in through the air vents, so the employees would be more alert and productive.  Hand to God.  Actual "Suggestion".). 

However, I want to find this person and ask them to be my new BFF.

Haa, A-MEN, my red pen-loving friend.  A-fucking-men!

Special Little Snowflakes

This may be rambling and incoherent - I'll do my best to stay on topic and to self-edit.

Usually around Christmas everyone wants to take vacation time, but the office still needs to be staffed, so they limit the number of people who can be off at the same time.  A couple of years ago our senior management team made the decision to let employees who worked on Christmas Eve day leave 2 hours earlier than the end of their scheduled shift and get paid for those 2 hours.  It was a perk for the employees who had to come in that day.  If you took a vacation day on Christmas Eve, however, you had to use 8 hours of PTO.

This year, our senior management team made the decision to close the office at 12:00 on Christmas Eve.  They also decided it was dumb to limit the amount of people who could have the day off, since most of the companies or agencies we do business with are closed or are short-staffed also.  Additionally, for reasons I still don't understand, they've also decided to pay everyone for 4 hours, whether they work or not.  So, basically, if you choose to take the day off, you can and you only have to use 4 hours of PTO and the Company will pay for the other 4 hours to give you a full day's pay.  If you don't have any PTO and you choose to work that day, you only have to work 4 hours and the company will pay you for a full 8-hour day.  Sounds great, right?  Yeah, not to everyone, apparently...

One of our Special Little Snowflakes has decided that this is somehow unfair.  In the past, the extra 2 hours of pay was a REWARD for coming in and working, but NOW the Company is going to pay EVERYONE 4 hours whether they work or not and to her, that's not fair!  It's not fair that if she comes in to work, someone who chooses to take off that day still gets the same benefit she gets.  She's, in her words, "being PENALIZED" for coming in and working. 

Wait, what?  Seriously?  Yeah, she's in a snit because everyone gets 4 hours paid and she's evidently pissed because she gets paid for an additional 2 hours and has to work 2 hours LESS than in previous years...let that sink in.  She's mad and thinks it's unfair because why should EVERYONE get this "perk"?  What the fuck is wrong with you?   I don't understand this logic.  Can someone please explain this to me?   Also, can someone explain the word "penalize" to her, because I don't think it means what she thinks it means.

OK, fine, so she's just some random malcontent - EXCEPT, no, she's posted this all over her Facebook page and because she's a goddamned genius, she's "friended" her supervisor, who then brings it to HR, because now it's a "morale issue".  Wait, back up.  The Company is paying employees to not  work or to be at work for half a day and somehow we have a morale problem because of this?  I swear don't understand.  Am I being dense?  Can someone PLEASE explain this to me?

If you would like to spoil the day for a grouch, give him a smile.

So, Monday starts Employee Appreciation Week at my office.  This basically means the Admin Assistant, Dana (truly one of the nicest people I've ever met), and I will spend a week (and a shit load of our time and patience) trying to make 360 employees feel appreciated.  They will in turn make us feel like slapping them.  No matter what we do, it won't be enough.  No matter how much we give, it won't be enough.  No matter how hard we try, it won't be enough.  That said, 11 people will appreciate our efforts.  It's the same 11 people every year and I've come to value them above all the rest.

Dana and I spent Friday afternoon shopping for supplies and planning the logistics of the week.  Last Thursday, I gathered the aforementioned 11 positive and grateful employees and dubbed them the Attitude Ambassadors (because I am a GIANT nerd).  I gave them each 2 little plastic smiley face trophies with the instruction that they are to give them out this week to people who do nice things for others or people they see being helpful or good role models.  Additionally, those employees who receive the awards are supposed to give the trophies away to other co-workers who have been helpful or kind to them...and so on...  I also gave them silly little smiley face stickers and asked them to give them to employees who looked like they were stressed or weren't having a good day.  I asked them not to tell the employees to "smile!"( because that makes me fucking stabby), but they should give the bummed co-worker a sticker and just nicely tell them that they hope their day gets better or a similar sentiment.  I'm really hoping that their example will influence the behavior and attitudes of the other employees.

Some of the activities we have planned for the week include:

• Jeans and tennis shoes every day.

• Raffle tickets will be passed out and all week we'll draw numbers for $25 gift cards to Kohl's, Best Buy, Olive Garden, Old Navy, Bed, Bath & Beyond, Giant Eagle, and Outback Steakhouse.  (haaa, I kept typing Steakhorse - totally different!)

• Monday, smiley face notepads and 4-color pens with our company's logo will be distributed to everyone.
  

• Tuesday will be Creative Arts Day.   The staff can wear their favorite movie, tv show or band/concert t-shirt (I'll be wearing my WhiskyBabyNinjaStar shirt, because no one will know what the hell it is and I'll probably say it's a band if anyone asks).  We'll be doing a DVD/VHS movie swap where they can bring in old CD's/movies/games and either trade them or just donate them  & we'll give them to the local library.  We're also giving everyone microwave popcorn packs with our company logo on them and putting big bowls of popcorn, M&M's, Red Hots, Lemon Heads and Milk Duds in all of the break rooms to munch on throughout the day and we're continuing the raffle, but the prizes are $10 gift cards for AMC Theaters and iTunes.  I think we have 10 of those to give away.
  

• Wednesday I'll be at a job fair all day with stupid Thirteen, but the kids at work will be getting caramel apples.  There better be some leftover apples for me when I come back on Thursday because caramel apples are one of my favorite things.  They're totally healthy 'cause they're fruit, dammit!

• Thursday we're having a catered lunch of roasted chicken, cheesy potatoes (these potatoes are TO DIE for!), applesauce, coleslaw and rolls & butter with yummy giant cookies for dessert.  I feel like we're doing something else on Thursday, but I can't think of what it is right now.

• Friday is Sports Day and employees can wear their favorite sports team jersey, t-shirt or sweatshirt.  It's also Boss's Day and for all of the Team Leads, Supervisors, Managers and Directors we have handmade AMAZINGLY delicious shortbread cookies iced to look like smiley faces.  They will also get pretty little brightly-colored wooden boxes with sayings written inside, like "Every day you get more wonderful".  Inside the boxes we'll be putting magnets with different sayings like "Live.  Laugh.  Love." and other hippy dippy phrases.  And then, because I'm 9, we also have a whole bunch of smiley face toys to give to them.  Smiley face slap bracelets and pencils; those paddle things with the string and the ball; smiley face stress balls; little plastic slinkies with smiley faces on them, etc., you get the idea.  Junky, fun, little things that they can keep or take home to their kids. 

That's our week.  It comes once a year in October and Dana and I plan and look forward to it.  We put a shit-ton of effort and creativity into and every year end up feeling bad because the employees are assholes.  But *this* year, I'm not going to let the negative ones get to me.  I'm going to focus my attention and energy on the ones who appreciate it and who genuinely feel appreciated, because we DO appreciate our employees.   This year, I'm going to have fun!

I Am Not the Mom of You!

This has been a challenging week at work.  Well, hell, most weeks are challenging, this one has just been mildly more irritating in its challenges.  I was tasked by the VP and Directors to create & head a committee of employees to come up with ways to "fix" the office.  Fix morale, fix shitty attitudes, fix low productivity, fix high turnover.  Yeah, that shouldn't be too hard, right?  I mean, gee, "Here Lainey, in addition to all of your regular responsibilities, we are charging you with changing the attitudes of 370 people of varying personalities, ages, genders, socio-economic backgrounds, etc.  You need to make 370 people 'like each other and like their jobs'.  You're creative and we haven't been able to do it, so here ya' go.  Make it happen!"

So, I'll get on that this week, but I have to make sure I leave time for the following conversations that I have daily:  (I'm not making any of these up.)

Employee #1 - I don't know what to do anymore.  The co-worker in the next cube over eats chips and salsa every afternoon and the smell is killing me.  Can you make her stop or move my desk?

Employee #2 - My co-worker hums.  It's really annoying and I can't take it anymore.  Also, she chews gum pretty loud.  Can you please send out an email telling people to be respectful of the people around them?

Employee #3 - Someone is wearing really strong perfume or lotion and it's giving me a headache.  Can you please send out a reminder email that people shouldn't wear strong scents because some people are sensitive and have allergies?  (By the way, we send this out at least 5 times a year and we cover it EXTENSIVELY in New Hire Orientation.  It doesn't work.)

Employee #4 - My co-worker made fun of me today because I'd never heard of putting sour cream on jojos.  My grandmother is dying and I don't appreciate being made fun of.  Can you please move her to another department or tell her she can only talk to me about work-related things?

Employee #5 - Why do the heavier employees get to wear leggings/stretch pants if the rest of us can't?  I don't think it's fair.  They have stores for bigger people, why can't they get clothes that fit them when we're expected to adhere to the dress code?

Employee #6 - I need copies of my paystubs for the last 12 months.  (Me: did you save any of them?) I have most of them at home, but they're not in any kind of order and I'm missing some, but I don't know which ones and I need them today because I'm trying to get a loan.  Can you just print them all out?  (Without going into the system and individually opening 26 paystubs and reprinting them, no, I can't just print them all out.)

Employee #7 - (Anonymous note on my desk) Please make the supervisors stop calling employees "honey" or "sweetie".  It's insulting and demeaning.  It's unprofessional.  They should be written-up.

Employee #8 - My supervisor has cankles and someone needs to make her wear long pants instead of skirts because it makes me want to puke when I see her legs.  (Ok, I *might* have made this one up, but it's not that far-fetched.)

Employee #9 - Someone stole my Pepsi out of the refrigerator.  This is the 5th time this has happened.  Can we set up a security camera?  (Yes, we'll set up a camera for your $.60 soda.)

Employee #10 (my boss) - Ohmygod, did you watch "Two and a Half Men" last night?  It is HILARIOUS!  God, I love that show!

So, surely I'm not the only one with petty co-workers.  What's the most ridiculous/silly/whiny/petty thing you've heard from your co-irkers or supervisor?  Please help convince me that while my employees are "special", they aren't unique.

I Should Have Been a Pre-School Teacher...

An employee, in her late 20's/early 30's sent me an email this morning. It read, "I know you're very busy and there's a lot going on, but can I please come down and talk to you? It's not urgent, but it's pretty important." I told her to come down. This is what she said:

Employee: There's a girl in my department who calls me a nickname and *sniff*, I don't know what to dooooooo!

Me: What does she call you?

Emp: Queen Bee

Me: Ok, have you asked her to stop?

Emp: *crying* Nuuhh-uu-hh

Me: Ok. Have you thought about just asking her to not call you that?

Emp: *sniffle* Yes, but I didn't want her to be mad at me. *snuffle* I don't want to cause any problems or anything.

Me: Ok, hmm. Does she say it in a mean way? I mean, does she have an aggressive tone of voice or expression?

Emp: Nuh-uh.

Me: Hmm. Ok. Um, are you here because you'd like me to ask her to stop calling you that?

Emp: *snifflesnort* Whull, yeah. Um, I mean, I don't want to make a big deal out of it or anything because I don't want her to be mad at me.

Me: So, ok...Do you think she would be less upset by being called down to HR & being talked to? Do you think if you just maybe said, "Hey, um, I know you're just goofing around, but can you not call me that?"

Emp: *gulp* Yabbut, I'm afraid if I say something to her about it, she'll get upset & think I'm being a baby.

REALLY???? Why in the world would she ever think you're being a baby? *sigh* How do you function?

People, your Human Resources department is there to help you and make sure you're being treated fairly and everyone's following all the rules and crap, but we are NOT here to be your mom! In fact, if you act like this, your mom should be fucking smacked for failing to teach you to put on your big girl/boy panties and grow the hell up.

NWW, Wheeeee!

Hey guys, yeah, I suck. I know. That may or may not have been part of the SEX story I promised you...

I'm finding that between Pajiba, Facebook, Twitter and here, I don't really have that much to say. My boss would find that SHOCKING because I always seem to have plenty of shit to say at work. I think she'd like to institute "No Talking Wednesday". Yeah, that's just not gonna' happen. But really, I just don't have much of anything to write about. If something fun or interesting or annoying happens, I usually put it on Facebook or Twitter and then if I put it here, it seems repetitious (ok, seriously? That's a really hard word to spell!) I'm having trouble coming up with stuff that isn't 400 pages long or just a rehash of my stupid boring days. *sigh* I have no idea why you guys keep coming back. Except for Anna von Beaverplatz. She keeps coming back to see if we're actually the same person. I'm fairly certain that we are. Did you guys read her real time review of The Lost Boys? Ok, go read it. I'll wait.

Speaking of von Beav - we're going to watch Fear Wednesday night. Again, I've published this all over my damn Facebook page, so everyone but Cindy (*ahem*, dude, just come over to the Dark Side. Life is SO much nicer once you just succumb to the Pajiba peer pressure) should have seen the news that we're watching it. I'm pretty excited to watch it because a) it's a REALLY crappy movie, but I love the hell out of it and b) even though he plays a total psycho, it's where my love for Marky Mark was cemented. I love his whispery/raspy voice with the heavy Boston accent. I never had an interest in him when he had his crappy "band" or even when he was a Calvin Klein underwear model. But, as an actor, I dig him. He's got the sexiness.

What else? Oh, Wednesday is my boss's birthday. I'm picking up lunch and bringing a card for everyone to sign. I asked Thirteen if she would pick up a cake or cupcakes. She goes, "Yeah sure. I'll just bring some cookies or something." NO, DUMBASS. CAKE! Whatever. She's really lucky I haven't run over her in the parking lot yet.

I *will* post the SEX story at some point, but I haven't decided yet how much to share & I can't decide if it's even interesting to anyone but me. We'll see. I WILL tell you this though - did you know Amazon.com sells sex toys? Well, they do! Doesn't matter how I know, just say, "thanks for the valuable info, Lainey". You're welcome!

So, you guys up for another round of No Whining Wednesday? Are you still into it? I am! I can't believe the effect it has on my mood. It's amazing the difference I feel when I know that I don't necessarily have to be Suzy Sunshine, but I also know that I can't be Debbie Downer. That second of checking myself before I automatically bitch about something or the energy I redirect from whining to finding something positive in the situation. It really puts me in a better mood from the moment I wake up. Does it do that for you too or are you all just humoring me? I hope it's doing something for each of you. Even if it's just for a couple of minutes a week. Your comments and positive energy are like a drug for me and I look forward to Wednesdays now. Thanks for that!

And now that I've babbled on and on, Happy No Whining Wednesday! Gimme my fix!

I've Made a Huge Mistake...

Hey kids, remember when I said Thirteen was sucking my will to live? Yeah, I wasn't lying. She's seriously making me hate my job. This is so not cool, because as much as I bitch about it, I basically love my job.

It's like working with an OCD Chihuahua. She's nervous, yappy, repetitive and annoying as hell and I need to like her, but I can't figure out how. My boss called me into her office the other day. She said, "Do you have any idea how funny it is for me to listen to you talk to her all day long and by about 3:00, you're just done. You've had it with being polite. You've had it with being helpful. You're just done."

I was a bit concerned and I honestly felt bad! I said, "Do you think she can tell?"

My boss, who is SO going to Hell, said,"Oh nooooooo, that's the HILARIOUS part! She has no idea how close you are to ripping her face off! I'm pretty sure she thinks you guys are buds!"

Super.

I have to go to a job fair with her all day on Wednesday. Now, if you remember from my earlier post, job fairs are painful, exhausting and an exercise in patience & acting. With Jackie, we could help each other out and keep the mood light, so the day didn't seem quite so heinous. Yeah, I don't really see this happening with Thirteen.

Here are some reasons that she makes me want to punch her in the head:

* She asks the same question OVER AND OVER and never refers to her notes. When I remind her that we've gone over this and it's probably in her notes, the first thing she says is, "I don't think so." After I make her look at her notes, she says, "Oh yeah, that's right." So, wouldn't logic dictate that she should look at her notes first and then ask me?

* She shakes. She's told me that she's on several different medications for anxiety, OCD and who knows what else. That's fine. People have nervous issues, I'm cool with that. I take anti-anxiety medication when I fly. (And sometimes just for fun!) But, then with all of those different drugs in you, why are you still a quivering mass of vibrating nerves? You make ME nervous. Stop it. Plus, she twirls her hair when she's nervous, so that pretty much means *constantly*. She twirls and twirls and then her eyes glaze over when you're having a conversation and I think this explains why she doesn't retain any information. She's drugged out & zoning. Hey, if I have to be sober at work, so should she!

* She set up a webcam to watch her cat. I don't think this needs further comment.

* She's OBSESSED with all things Twilight, Edward Cullen and Robert Pattinson. First she said she didn't like RPatz, but turns out that was kind of a lie. She LOOOOOOOVES him and sends me text messages to tell me that according to the Facebook quiz she took, Robert "I need a bath" Pattinson is her celebrity dream boyfriend.

* She can't seem to read body language or facial cues. She does ok with applicants, I guess, but she can't seem to tell when I'm getting annoyed or impatient. This is bad, because I'm pretty obvious about it. If she can't read me, then it concerns me that she'll not be able to read our boss's or other upper management's tone and body language & will annoy them, which let's face it, this will come back to bite me because they'll just refuse to deal with her and will come to me instead.

* The other day, we were talking about how an employee was not going to be eligible for a referral bonus because the applicant didn't list the referring employee's name anywhere on their application or new hire paperwork. Thirteen said, "Will the employee think we 'Jewed' them out of their bonus?" Wait, WHAT??? Did you just actually fucking SAY that? I didn't even respond at the time, because I was so taken aback by the comment. Is that something the kids say nowadays? I'll have to talk to her about it sometime (soon!), but I keep waiting to hear what other completely inappropriate bon mots she's going to drop.

* I'm pretty sure she's bulimic. The girl weighs all of 100 pounds, and I see the crap she eats! She's not a nibbler. She either works out for 3 hours a day or she pukes. Also, because she's so freakin' skinny, she's cold all the time. It's JULY and she wears a sweater or coat every day. It's JULY!

* She doesn't seem to grasp the subtleties of sarcasm. She thinks I'm serious when I say something that is obviously sarcastic or facetious. When she tries to be sarcastic, it comes off as caustic & mean sounding. She tries to emulate my conversational style with the management staff, but they know me. They're used to me & I know who I can be sarcastic with and, more importantly, who I can't. She doesn't & they don't know if she's kidding or not & several have already decided she's a snotty halfwit. I've tried explaining to her that she needs to know her audience and she just glazes over and says, "Oh, right, I know. She knew I was playing." Um, nuh-uh!

Ok, I'm finished. Sorry, I just had to get that out, because, you guys, I need help! I need to like her. I need to be able to work with her & I need to be able to mentor her and I don't know what to do. I'm not saying I need to be friends with her, but I have to be able to spend 8 - 10 hours a day with her and NOT dream of ways to catch her hair in the shredder. Talking to my boss about fixing it is not an option. She's tasked me with this. Ideas? Suggestions? I'll take anything you're offering except ways to kill her or get her fired. I have enough of those...