End of the Year EXTRAVAGANZA!!*

*Not really if you're going by the actual definition of EXTRAVAGANZA.

So, 2010 is ending and I can't complain.  I've had a pretty decent year.  I lost (what I thought was) a good friend, but I've made a lot more.  I've been remarkably healthy (did I just jinx the shit out of myself?) and so has my dad (I'm sure I just jinxed him).  I got my apartment Extreme Makeover-ed, ok, not technically, but I did get nice new carpet, paint, windows, and furniture.  Hell, I have HEATED STEPS up to my back porch, so yeah, that's awesome and nothing to sneeze at.  I've met some Pajiban/Facebook friends this year.  Maybe had sex with one or more of them.  That was fun!  And I tried a whole bunch of stuff I've never tried before (that's not related to the last sentence about sex).  Turns out that macaroni and cheese is pretty damn good.  WHO KNEW?  Oh, right.  Everyone.  But, just for the record, I still haven't tried that fluorescent orange shit in the blue box and I don't intend to.  I also tried a few fancy beers and it turns out that I kind of like them a little and would maybe want to try more.  This coming from the girl who didn't like Bud Light because it "tastes too beerish". 

What else?  I got a new cat, because why not?  He's chatty as hell and oppressively affectionate, but he's nice to have around since the other one only pays attention to me when she wants food.  Willow hates him, but I think she'll warm up.  She's too nosy to just ignore him, so I suspect he'll grow on her after a bit.  Speaking of, Thirteen has become not only tolerable, but actually likable.  I certainly didn't see that coming!   Oh, and Coke Zero is still delicious, despite what CERTAIN people (*coughKolbycough*) say. 

I never imagined that I'd be 40 and single and living in Ohio, it's not like it was my dream as a child, but turns out, it's not so bad.  Just a few years ago, I couldn't imagine making enough money to live comfortably, having a career I'm good at (and mostly like, though I'll deny it), and enjoying my life.  Enjoying my friends.  Enjoying my comfort with myself.  It's actually kind of neat.

So, I hope 2011 is as good or better for me than 2010 was and for my friends who had less delightful years, I hope 2011 kicks the shit out of 2010 for you!

Thanks for coming around year after year!  Especially you folks who keep searching for "what's the opposite of exciting" and winding up here.  You have NO idea how much that amuses me. 

Cheers and Happy New Year!

Conversations with My Father - Pt. 7

Now I think he's messing with me.

Dad:  Hey, will you make me a Facebook?

Me:  What?  Why?  You don't have a computer.

Dad:  I know, but you could give me updates from people and then tell them what I'm up to.

Me:  . . .
Dad:  Everyone keeps asking me if I have a Facebook and I tell them I don't, but that you do, so they said you could make me one.
Me:  Well, that's true, I COULD make you one, but you wouldn't be able to use it because you don't have a computer.

Dad:  I KNOW, LAINEY, but YOU have a computer.

Me:  I don't understand.  Do you want me to bring my computer over?

Dad:  *sigh*  No.  I want you to make me a Facebook.

Me: . . .

Dad:  Just make me a Facebook and then tell me what people say.

Me:  WHAT PEOPLE?  I can't just MAKE you a Facebook and people will magically appear!

Dad:  Yes, they will.  They'll see that I have a Facebook and then they'll friend me.

Me:  Do you even know what "friend me" means?

Dad:  Yes, Lainey, I'm not retarded.  They'll be on my friends list and I can see what they're doing.

Me:  But YOU won't be able to see what they're doing, because you don't have a computer!

Dad:  But YOU do!

Me: I swear to god, I'm gonna' punch whoever told you to get on Facebook.  Just CALL people if you want to know what they're up to.
Dad:  That's SO 2005

Pucker Up!

Ok, so you guys know how I maybe have a wee addiction to lip balm, right?  It might be out of control now.  I've designed the entire theme of Employee Appreciation Week around my addiction.

A couple of months ago, my boss, Thirteen, and I went to an HR conference.  There were a bunch of different vendors with booths & swag, and one of them, the Cleveland Zoo, was passing out lip balms with their logo.  Ok, well A) The ZOO!!!  and B)  Lip Balm!!!  Hello, happy Lainey!  Turns out that this is like the best lip balm ever (Yes, I say that about EVERY new lip balm, but this time I mean it.  It's like I tell every guy that he's THE BEST, I'm sure I've actually meant it once or twice...) and the label lists some company in Cleveland that makes it.

I looked it up and they will make lip balms for your company, with your logo, for some ridiculously cheap fee of like $.50/tube.  The catch is that you have to buy 100+.  Here's the thing, I actually THOUGHT about buying them myself, putting MY logo on them (Bobainey Balm - Pamper your pucker, sucker!  Cute, right?  I KNOW!), and then sending them to you kids with your Christmas cards, but then the reality set in of having 100 lip balms sitting in my house and me having to actually address and mail 80+ Christmas cards, which would STILL leave me with 20 lip balms, and yeah, that idea fizzled out.

I did some thinking and then some more and then I took a nap.  Then it dawned on me!  If we make Employee Appreciation Week be about relaxation and pampering, I could totally order these for our employees, get the company to pay for it, AND have my own personal stockpile of fantastic lip balm!  I AM AN EMMEREFFING GENIUS!

Wait, it gets BETTER!  So, because Thirteen enjoys projects, I assigned this to her.  She got in touch with them to get pricing information and other pertinent info and they sent us a DOZEN lip balms to choose from before we order ours for the employees.  I now have SEVEN lip balms sitting on my desk.  SEVEN.  So great.  (I let her keep 3 and give 2 to the admin assistant because I'm benevolent and a good sharer and shit.)

Oh, so anyway, Employee Appreciation Week is still going to be all about pampering and relaxation and feature the lip balms, but I don't even care anymore, I got what I wanted. We're also having cookies and tea.  Because I LIKE COOKIES. 

The end.

Oh, Dad...*sigh*

So, look what Denny bought me:

He said it's "festive" (he LOVES that word) and I could put it on my desk at work.  OH, by the way, you can't really see it, but the witch's skirt thinger has sparkly crystals dangling from it, BECAUSE OF COURSE IT DOES.

So, I just chalked it up to another case of "Huh, Denny really doesn't know me, does he?"  But THEN, he gave me another gift and *sigh*, no, he knows me.

So, Happy HallowLaborWeen Day from Denny BoBainey, y'all!

Conversations with My Father - Pt. 6

Dad:  Here I brought you a chicken. 

Me:  Um, great, thanks.  Why?

Dad:  'Cause you like chicken. 

Me:  True... is it a live chicken?
Dad:  That is literally the dumbest question you've ever asked in your life. 
[-- ed:  if ONLY that were true.] Also, I brought you some trail mix.  I don't like it.  It has too many nuts. 
Me: ...?  It's trail mix, dad, it's mostly nuts.

Dad:  That's why I don't want it.  I mostly liked the M&M's. 

Me:  Then just buy a bag of M&M's.

Dad:  That's unhealthy. 

Me:  Then buy a bag of peanut M&M's and dump some raisins in the bag.
Dad:  I'm TOTALLY going to do that!  Brilliant.

HR Has Feelings, Too, You Know!

First off, I hate talking or writing about work.  Work is boring.  No one wants to hear about someone else's work.  Why should I presume to think that MY work is any more interesting or valid than anyone else's?  That said, I'm about to launch into a story/rant about work.  So, you've been warned and can now choose your own adventure:  quit now and go do something else or keep reading knowing that I'm babbling about work.  Oh, and it's not a funny story.  I feel like I should also say that upfront.    It's not sad or anything, but it's not something you're going to think, "Oh, that Lainey!  What a character!"  That's probably not gonna' happen.  If it does, please feel free to let me know.

I spent over an hour in a meeting today to discuss what to do about an under-performing employee.  This is the third such meeting I've been in over the past 2 weeks.   All about different employees.  The focus of today's meeting was a middle-aged woman with some type of illness (maybe Parkinson's?) that she's not really willing to discuss with us and that she INSISTS is not affecting her productivity in any way.  It should be noted that this employee has either had this affliction since she started with us 5 years ago or she's just always been an under-performing employee.  Her problem is that she's slow.  Like sllllooooooowwwww slow.  Also, she doesn't really seem to grasp simple concepts and does not take any responsibility at all for her poor performance and insists that we are just out to get her.  By way of comparison, other employees enter/bill 100 trips a day; she enters/bills 30.  Her supervisor and manager have spent many, many, many hours coaching her and training her and trying to get her up to speed.  They've taken away extra tasks and assigned them to other employees and when she still wasn't able to hit the minimum requirement, they took another chunk of responsibility away from her and sent her through training again.  During all of this she has maintained that there's not a problem and that they're just picking on her.

The supervisor and manager don't want to fire her, my boss doesn't want to fire her, no one wants to get rid of her, but there's nowhere else for her to go within the organization.  I guess the reason I'm writing this is because I get SO tired of hearing people say things like, "HR is out to screw people", "Corporations only care about the bottom line", "Employees are just numbers", blah, blah, blah.  You know what?  SHUT THE FUCK UP.  Of course companies are concerned with the bottom line! If you work for a company that isn't,  I suggest you start looking for a new place of employment, because yours isn't going to be around for long.  HR is NOT out to screw people.  Holy crap, do you even know how much fucking paperwork is involved to write-up and/or fire someone?  How much extra documentation has to be done?  It's ridiculous.  HR doesn't want to screw you.  HR doesn't even want to deal with you, so there's no way in hell they're TRYING to get you in trouble.  As far as employees being "just numbers", that's just dumb.  It's a symbiotic relationship.  The company exists to make money.  That's its function.  In order to make money, the company must have employees and in order to pay the employees the company must make money, so the employees must perform in a satisfactory and productive manner in order for the company to make the money to pay the employee for the satisfactory and productive work.  SEE?  It's a cycle.  They depend on each other.

Are there incompetent, jackassy, unethical, supervisors, managers, and directors in companies?  Absolutely.  Does management sometimes hate one of their employees?  FOR sure.  But, overall, supervisors, managers, and HR are all there, the same as you, trying to do a good job.  Trying to balance the needs of the company with the needs of the many employees.  They're trying to get their work done, while they review yours and they don't want to discipline or fire people.  They will hold many meetings (and sometimes sweep things under the rug) and review policies and lose sleep over the decision to terminate someone's employment.  The COMPANY may be an entity, but the people making the decisions and doing the hard task of writing someone up or eventually firing them are PEOPLE.  These people really aren't rubbing their hands together and twirling their mustaches and cackling with glee over the prospect of screwing you over, they're trying to find ways to help you, so that you are a productive and satisfactory part of the work cycle.  Please stop believing that Corporate America is out to GET YOU.  That seriously doesn't even make sense if you really stop to think about it and every time you repeat that little motto, it helps to create an environment of distrust and resentment and takes away YOUR ownership of your own life and your own destiny.  It makes you a victim.  Stop it.

Unless you're an asshole.  Then maybe your HR department is out to get you.  (I'm kidding.  Mostly.)

Conversations with My Father - Pt. 5

Dad:  I bought you some eggs.

Me:  Oh, um, thanks?
Dad:  From the bar.
Me:  You bought me eggs at a bar?  What?  Are they pickled or something?

Dad:  No.  God.  From the Farley's farm.  They have chickens.

Me:  Oh, ok, well now that you've cleared that up...

Dad:  And I got you some of that pepper cheese you like.

Me:  Do they have cows, too?

Dad:  What?  Who said anything about cows?  *Chickens*.

Me:  I know, chickens make eggs, but cows make cheese.  Well, they don't MAKE cheese, but, you know.

Dad:  What the hell are you talking about?  

Me:  Right.  I'm the crazy one.

Dad:  Oh, no, the cheese is from Sam the Amish Cheese guy.

Me:  There's an Amish guy who sells cheese in the bar?  Does he drive his buggy into the city?

Dad:  Dammit, Lainey!  No, Sam's not Amish, he sells Amish cheese.

Me:  Ok, well that was unclear.  You said "Sam, the AMISH cheese guy", not "Sam, the Amish CHEESE guy".

Dad:  What?

Me:  The emphasis would be different.

Dad:  I didn't emphasize anything - YOU did.

Me:  I know, I just... never mind.  Thank you.

Phone rings 20 seconds later...

Dad:  They also have goats.

Me:  WHAT?

Dad:  The Farleys.  Chickens and goats, but they don't have goat cheese.  Do you want me to ask Sam, the Amish CHEESE guy if they have goat cheese?

Me:  No, I don't like goat cheese, but thanks.

Dad:  Then why did you ask about goats?

Me:  WHAT?  I didn't say anything about goats - YOU did.

Dad:  I don't think that's true, but if you say so.  Why would you lie about goats?

Me:  I ... do you TRY to make my head hurt?

PS:  I was trying to find an appropriate photo to accompany this post, but INSTEAD I found Pygmy goats and OHMYGOD, now I want a Pygmy goat more than anything!  Look how cute they are.

Things That Are Bothering Me TODAY

• Having to clean ALL of the things when I feel like I JUST cleaned ALL of the things when I MOVED ALL of the things.  There should be a free pass for 90 days after that.
• Dropping my toast on my new couch - butter-side down.
• Anyone who says I shouldn't be eating toast on my new couch.
• Emails from people telling me they miss me, but those same people never being particularly engaged in talking to me when I'm around.
• Blogger REFUSING to go to the next line when I hit "enter" and making me MANUALLY drop to the next line.  
• Lying down too quickly and smooshing my boobs.
• Cat hair.
• Guys who send me emails from the personals thing that just say, "Hey - how you doing?"  I'm fine.  REALLY, that's what you came up with as an opening?  Go sit down.  Oh and part two of this?  You don't have to be a good speller anymore, that's why Al Gore invented Spellchecker.  Use it for fuck's sake.
• The cat who REFUSES to sit on the window perch that I bought and installed for her and instead lays on the bathroom floor.  Jerk.
• Amazing sex dreams in the morning that won't get out of your head for the rest of the day.
• Humidity making my hair look like Roseanne Rosannadanna.
• Having to look up how to spell Roseanne Rosannadanna.
• People who are too young to know who Roseanne Rosannadanna is.
• Hot guys who are too young for me.
• Hot guys who are too married for me.
• Hot weather that is too hot for me.
• LeBron James.

*AWKward*!

Ok, real quick - so this is NOT part two of the other post - I'll get to that later.  This is just a little exchange I had with my father.  Oh, backstory, um, my sexyfuntime friend will be here tomorrow night and we will be, um, getting together. 

Dad:  Lainey, can you take me up to drop off my car at the shop tomorrow when you get off work?
Me:  Um, can I take you up there tonight?  I have plans tomorrow night.

Dad:  Right after work?  What are you doing?

Me:  Um, a friend is in town.

Dad:  Ok, well, I was going to make dinner and wanted to see if you wanted to join me.

Me:  Oh, thanks.  Um, can we do it another night?
Dad:  Well, why don't you just bring your friend by?
Me:  We have plans already.
Dad:  What are you going to do?
Me:  What's with all the questions?  I don't know.  Probably watch a movie and catch up.  We haven't seen each other in awhile.

Dad:  Ok, well if you get bored, you and your friend can come by for dessert.

Me:  OKGREATTHANKSBYE.

Awkward. 

Out with the Old and in with the New (or OwtOaiwtN for those who prefer acronyms)

As you may have noticed (or not, I don't know how observant some of you are), I've not been around much lately.  Here, Pajiba, and even Facebook, to a degree.  Lots of stuff going on - some good, some bad, but all for the better, I think.

Oh, but first, I owe you an update on the sabotager (I'm sorry, but "saboteur" just sounds so snooty).  After extensive observation from our IT department, we felt there was enough evidence to support the suspicion that she had been deliberately sabotaging her co-worker's reports and we fired her.  She denied, denied, DENIED it and then accused IT of setting her up.  Unemployment disagreed with us and despite PAGES of documentation, awarded her benefits because we didn't have definitive proof that she did it.  I guess you have to actually videotape them doing it and then you probably have to prove that the video is actually of THEM and not some look-alike that you hired and then you probably have to send them DNA evidence, too.  Whatever. 

Moving on.  Blogger has new templates and since I've made over my entire apartment in the last month, I decided to make over this here fancy blog, too.  Let me know what you think.  (Or, if you just want to make an assy comment, don't let me know what you think.  I don't really have a lot of patience for assyness right now.)  Back to the apartment!  Those of you on Facebook are probably sick to death of hearing about the redecoration EXTRAVAGANZA, so feel free to skip ahead.  To the rest - OMG, I TOTALLY got my apartment redid and it is SO exciting!  I've lived here for 12 or 13 years and while I've always liked my apartment, I never LOVED it.  I always liked its potential, but it never lived up to that potential because the landlord wouldn't put any money into it and I wouldn't either.  The paint was old and cracked and yellowed, the carpet was a hideous barf color and really qualified more as a mat than a carpet, and the windows were just... rattley glass in hard to open frames.  On my end, the furniture was all mismatched, over-sized crap I got from friends or bought a piece here or a piece there, and I had kind of given up on making it look nice, because no matter how much I cleaned (FINE, no matter how much the person I hired to clean cleaned) it still looked like a mishmash of clutter and dingy neglect.  NOW, THOUGH?  Sparkly and clean and pretty!  New carpet and fresh paint in cheery yellow and ice blue, brand-spankin' new double-hung windows, which holy cow, I've never had new windows before and I *might* have a slight obsession with cleaning them (Ilovethemsomuch!), and new blinds that are being installed by my landlord as I type this.  I bought a whole new living room and dining room set and a new bed, plus little extras like pictures, bookshelves, and a red microwave.  How does the red microwave have any relevance?  It DOESN'T.  I just WANTED it, is that OK with YOU?   Anyway, it's been a lot of work packing up and moving all of my crap & throwing out tons of junk, but it's all pretty and new now and I'm happy as can be!  It even has that new carpet smell instead of old, dusty, years-of-smoking smell.

Balls.  This is getting really long and I have a lot more to say, but I hate reading super long meandering blog posts, so I'm going to save it for PART 2: EXTRAVAGANZA SUPERSEXYNOVA OF SPARKLEBLAHBLAHBLAH.  Or something. 

Oh, ok, but real quick - I bought these fun trash bags because I had to cart like, I don't know, A MILLION bags of crap out before the carpet could be ripped out and replaced and I am nothing if not frivolous.  How cute are these!?  I KNOW, right?

What a Weird Day

Hi!  I think it's only fair to warn you that this will not be interesting or entertaining, but hey, that's just how life goes sometimes, ya' know?

So, last night I did not sleep well at all.  I suck at sleeping normally, but last night I was extra bad at it and got a total of maybe 3 hours and yet still woke up in a fairly decent mood.  I bopped out to my car this morning and grabbed my sunglasses from their spot, put the key in the ignition, all the lights lit up, and then nothing.  Car no go.  I called my friend, the race car driver, because he knows a bit about engines and also because WHO WOULDN'T want to talk to me first thing on a Monday morning?  He asked a couple of questions and told me it was the battery (which, I totally thought he was full of shit because the lights and stuff worked, but I went with it anyway, because, well, he's a guy and he knows about cars and because I didn't feel like arguing with him) and that a jump would probably get it started and I should get a new battery.  I called my boss and said I'd be late (oh and I had Thursday afternoon and Friday off, so I'm SURE my boss was all, "Really?  Seriously, you're going to call in late on a Monday after a long weekend?  Really?") and then called my dad and woke him up.  I asked him if he would jump my car (even though I still really didn't think it would be that simple) and he, because he's a very nice guy, said sure and then showed up in his boxers.  He at least had the decency to put on a shirt, but evidently it was too difficult to pull on a pair of jeans over those boxers...  Anyway, he told me my jumper cables were "girl cables" (No, they were not pink.  I don't know what the hell "girl cables" are, but whatever) and would use his instead.  Hooked it up and voila' - started right up.  Dammit, I hate it when that boy is right! (Thank you!)  Oh and then my dad taught me how to use the jumper cables - twice, because I am apparently not bright enough to understand red to red and positive to positive and the directions written on the tag attached to the cables...

Most of the day went by as usual - catching up on emails and FMLA paperwork and reading the EMPHATIC opinions of the LOST finale, when my boss called me in to her office.  So check this out, we have an employee who is sabotaging another employee.  There's this guy who runs reports and saves them to a shared drive and then this saboteur (is that a real word?) is going in and changing his reports or deleting portions of them and this guy keeps getting blamed for having fucked up work!  I KNOW, RIGHT?  Like for months, he's been getting in trouble for errors on his reports and for missing & incorrect information and he's been going crazy telling his supervisor that he did the report correctly and everyone just thinks he's a dumbass or a lying dumbass and come to find out, his co-worker is totally SCREWING him over!  He started taking screen caps of his reports and emailing them to another co-worker, so he can prove that he did it correctly and blah, blah, blah, the IT guys did something and figured out that this co-worker of his was logging in as him, but from her computer, I don't know it's all computery... all I know is this chick is a fucking piece of work and I'm curious to see how this plays out.  AND THEN zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz sorry, I launched into a totally different REALLY boring story and decided that even I didn't care enough to finish it, so you probably wouldn't care enough either.   I'll just leave you with this - I spent $25 on a bottle of shampoo.  Because I have zero impulse control and because that damn Meg told me I should, so now I'm off to wash my hair and it better be A-FREAKIN'-MAZING.

Oh sorry, how rude of me - how are YOU?  Anything you'd like to share with the other kids?

Conversations with My Father - Pt. 4

*sigh*

You guys?  I'm almost starting to suspect that some of you are messing with me.  My dad called. *sigh*

Dad:  Hi, I know you're at work and can't really talk, but I bought a UPS and I need you to help me with it.
Me:  What?
Dad:  You know, one of those UPS things.
Me:  *sigh*  ... Umm?
Dad:  For driving.  A CPU.
Me:  Wait, you just bought this?  What does the box say it is?
Dad:  Dammit, Lainey, it's just one of those CPS map things!  Jesus, sorry I don't know the EXACT name of it!
Me:  A GPS?  You bought a GPS?  WHY?  I have one, you can have mine.
Dad:  I don't want yours, I have my own now.  Can you come by after work and teach me how to use it?
Me:  Dad, you drive cars for a living, I'm pretty sure you know every single road in this city, why do you need a GPS?
Dad:  Because I just DO.  Can you stop by or not?
Me:  Sure.  I haven't had a headache in 3 whole days, so yeah, I'm about due...

Phone rings 20 seconds later:
Dad:  Will this plug into my phone or does it get wired in through the odometer?  (True story!)

Here's a bonus conversation for you.  This took place a couple of years ago.

Dad:  What's that one movie?
Me:  Which one movie?
Dad:  The one with that guy I like.
Me:  ....Umm?
Dad:  *sigh*  You KNOW.  The one with the Other Ben.
Me:  You mean Matt Damon?
Dad:  YES, what's that movie?
Me:  I have no idea...he's in a lot of movies.
Dad:  Dammit, Lainey, you know the one!  The one with that girl who was like a crazy, teenager, stripper with the girl from Clueless.
Me:  ... ....
Me:  Armageddon?
Dad:  YEP, that's it!
Me:  That was actually Ben Affleck, not the Other Ben.
Dad:  Oh, ok then, well what's that one movie with the Other Ben?
Me:  I'm done with this conversation... I have a headache.

Feelings Are STUPID.

I don't trust people very easily.  I'm very trusting, but I don't put my actual trust in many people.  Does that make sense?  I believe people when they tell me shit (almost too much, I'm super gullible), but I don't really tell a lot of people my shit...especially about my feelings. I'll fill out all the stupid Facebook memes you want and update my status 9 times a day, I'll give vague answers to questions via email, or empathize with an employee by using personal anecdotes, but I won't really talk about anything important or how I feel.  I'll tell you what I did or what I said, but rarely how I feel.  Hell, this here fancy blog is the closest I've ever come to talking about stuff that really matters to me and even then I mostly dance around it, because now I'm all self-conscious since I "know" a bunch of you.  There are only a handful of people that I've really opened up to in my life...a handful in MY LIFE and I'm 40, so, you do the math.  I've been deeply hurt by almost all of them.  Sometimes it's something egregious and unforgivable and sometimes it's just the realization that they're not the person I thought they were.  Both scenarios hurt like a sonofabitch and send me to bed with stomach aches and a giant lump in my throat. 

I have a stomach ache and a lump in my throat.

Cost Effective AND Good for the Environment!

You guys, this week?  Holy balls.  This week has kicked me in the teeth and almost reduced me to tears a couple of times.  It's INSANE the amount of crap that's going on at work and people have done lost their damn minds!  Ohmylord.  But anyway, this isn't about that.  This entry is not a "woe is me, my job is *hard*" post.  This entry is all about the GEM I found today when emptying the Suggestion Box (Which seriously, really needs a new name. Rarely, if ever, have I had a legitimate and cost-effective/helpful suggestion come from it. In fact, truth be told, I fucking hate the Suggestion Box and think it's worthless and encourages stupidity.  One of the first "Suggestions" [Yes, it needs quotes] was for the company to pump pure oxygen in through the air vents, so the employees would be more alert and productive.  Hand to God.  Actual "Suggestion".). 

However, I want to find this person and ask them to be my new BFF.

Haa, A-MEN, my red pen-loving friend.  A-fucking-men!

Conversations with My Father Pt. 3

This is a true story and JUST happened like 5 minutes ago.

Dad: Did you take $200 out of my checking account?

Me: Yeah, like 2 or 3 weeks ago.

Dad: Why would you do that?

Me: Um, remember that $200 check I asked you to deposit for me and you accidentally deposited it in *your* account and I said, "No big deal, I'll just transfer it to my account". Remember that?

Dad: Well I DO NOW, but I didn't remember it earlier when I got my bank statement and it said "$200 withdrawal - internet transfer" and I marched down to the bank demanding to know who the fuck was stealing money from me on the internet! And the girl said, "Oh no! Let me see what's going on...oh, Mr. Bobainey, a Miss Lainey Bobainey transferred $200 from your account, on which she has signature ability (that you made her take time off of work to go fucking get so that she could access your whopping $1100 checking account in case you die in your sleep and she needs money to have someone haul out the 400 fucking jars of pickles that you keep buying because they're only $.88 apiece even though you never eat them, but by all means, keep buying them because hey, why not... she might not have actually said any of this part...), to her account on March 27th."

Me: *facepalm* Great, so now the bank thinks I'm embezzling from my father. Awse. Dad, why didn't you ask me first instead of going to the bank?

Dad: Because, LAINEY, I've seen this on the news. Internet people hijack (I think he meant "hack") into the accounts of rich old people and take a little bit at a time so no one becomes suspicious and since you put my account on the internet (not even going to bother trying to correct him on this one) when you got access to it, I was afraid it notified hijackers or something.

Me: Ok, first of all, you're only 62 and you're also not exactly rich. Secondly, you need to just stop watching the news.

Dad: Maybe the bank should have something in place where they send an email if someone tries to access your account?

Me: But, you don't have an email...

Dad: YES, I do!

Me: *sigh* Nope, you're right - I forgot. I'll call the bank on Monday and tell them to send you an email at dennybobainey at the internet dot com from now on.

Dad: Good. That's just common sense, you know?

Me: Yep...

Phone rings 20 seconds later...
Dad:  Will you check my email - maybe the bank already does this?

Reason #432 Why I'll Never Be an Executive

The VP was in my office today.  No big, he's in my office a lot.  Usually, he's standing across from me (probably looking at my boobs - he seriously has an issue with the obvious boob-looking). Today he was standing behind my desk with me looking at something (that miraculously wasn't Facebook) on my computer.

Him:  What the hell is that?

Me:  What?

Him:  That - there.

Me:  A unicorn stabbing a mime.

Him:  In a Zen garden?

Me:  It's relaxing.

Him walking out the door and shaking his head...

Me:  It's RELAXING!

I Send Vibrations In Your Direction...

So…. I accidentally went away for a while.  I wasn't trying to and it wasn't planned.  It's kind of like how I accidentally quit drinking when I quit smoking.  I just stopped for a bit and then suddenly it was a month later and then two and then so on.  Yeah, so this here fancy blog is kind of like that.

 

I went away for a bit because I was having The Sadz (with a 'z' cause that's how the kidz do, amiright?) and while it's not really fun or interesting to write about that, I also know that it's not the least bit fun or interesting to read about and I refuse to be one of those people who writes whiny self-indulgent pleas for attention.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I'll totally write self-indulgent pleas for attention, I have a blog so obviously, but I don't want to be one of the ones who make people think, "Well hell, there's 4 minutes of my life I'll never get back and holy crap, stop your damn whining already – you're sad, we get it!"  Anyway, I think The Sadz (still with a 'z' because I am nothing if not a joke-runner-into-the-grounder) have gone away for now, hopefully until next winter.  I'm not normally depressed or even really bummed for no discernable reason and certainly not for more than a day or two, so I think I may have that Seasonal Affective Disorder thing; the last few years (particularly the last few Januarys and Februarys) are starting to make more sense with that in mind.

 

Contrary to what it seems, this post is actually not really supposed to be about me.  That long-ass paragraph above?  That was just supposed to be an introduction.  This is really about Alabama Pink.  Well, technically, it's about Alabama Pink's legacy.  I didn't really know Amanda, except from the writing she shared with us, but I liked her.  I didn't really know her husband, except through her writing about him and his writing about her.  After she passed away, I was hesitant to reach out to Mr. Pink, because it felt presumptuous of me.  But, because my mom died when I was young and I was raised by a single father, I thought that I might be able to offer some insight or I don't know, be some kind of sounding board for him.  It took me many months, but I am so glad I finally did.

 

I've learned so much about Amanda from the way Mr. Pink talks about her.  I think I would have liked the hell out of her!  And I've learned so much about Mr. Pink and the monumental year he's had and all he's accomplished.  I've gotten to know what a genuinely good father he is and what a fantastic sense of humor he has and what a loyal friend he is.  I've been privileged to witness snippets of Little A's life and his accomplishments and new discoveries.  And I've been unbelievably grateful to have these wonderful, smart, funny, and open people in my life thanks to a movie review website.  Huh.  Whether he knows it or not (which, I guess he'll know it now), Mr. Pink helped pull me out of this funk.  His uncanny knack for sending me an email just as I'm sinking down again or some smartass comment during one of our incessant Scrabble games has been my lifeline the last couple of months.  His enthusiasm (dare I say EXUBERANCE?) has made me giggle more times than I can count and his ability to get out of bed, day after day, to do what must be done and his love for his wife and his child makes my heart hurt less & reminds me that my little life is not so very bad.

So, in my long, rambling, round-about way, thank you, Amanda.  Thank you for being awesome and for introducing me to your equally awesome family.  I love you all.

I Am Goophy!

Once again, I got nothing.  SO, because you're obviously *very* lucky, I'm going to post the silly email exchange I had with Meg.  It made me giggle like a phool!  I am very easily amused.  Obviously.
at 12:55 PM, Meg wrote:

i had the pho and now i am phull.

Lainey:
Ha!  You are phunny!

Meg:

are you not online anymore?
motherphucker.

Lainey:
I'm on a conf. call w/ a presentation on my computer.
DAMMIT - con-phurance call!

Meg:

phreak.

Lainey:
Are you phrustrated?

Meg:

phurious

Lainey:
Don't de-phriend me!

Meg:

Don't phool yourself. There's a definite phinality about this. 

Lainey:
 I'm sorry - I don't want to piss you oph.  Especially on a Phriday!

Lainey:
PHINE, just stop.  I wasn't phinished.  Phlake.

Meg:

woah. Phor phuck's sake, girlphriend. Calm yourselph. No phreak outs on a phriday, got it?

Lainey:
I've had a lot of capheine!  Sometimes I phorget to philter myselph!

 Meg:

I'd eat my phoot for a phrappucino right about now.

Lainey:
This is making me laph phar too much!

Meg:

Don't.  Your ass will get phired.

Seriously, SO dumb.  Giggled like an idiot.  This is why I make the big bucks.

Conversations With My Father Pt. 2

This happened today.

Dad:  What do you want for your birthday?

Me:    Nothing really, thanks.

Dad:  You must want something.  I don't know what to get you.

Me:   Well, I don't really need anything, but thanks for thinking of me!

Dad:   Oh come on - what's just one thing that you want?

Me:    Hmmm, ok, well, I could use some shears to trim flower stems.  

Dad:   Why?

Me:    I like arranging flowers and they need to be cut, but I only have scissors and I end up crushing their stems and killing them.

Dad:  I'm pretty sure I have something like that in the garage or the basement closet or something.  Just go look through there.

Me:  Ok then.... Hmm, I would LOVE to have an Amazon giftcard!

Dad:  Where would I get that?

Me:   Probably at the grocery store or wherever they sell giftcards.

Dad:  Why don't I just give you money and then you can buy your own giftcard?

Me:  *sigh*  It's fine.  I really don't need anything.  I was just giving you some suggestions, but I really don't need anything.

Dad:  How about a fur coat?

Me:   WHAT the what?

Dad:  I saw these really pretty fur coats the other day - fox, I think, how about one of those?

Me:    ...

Dad:   Would you rather have something besides fox?  Like chinchilla or something?

Me:  ...  Um, do you remember when you gave me that fur stole and I was too squicked out to touch it?

Dad:  Yeah, but what if the animals died a NATURAL death, then would that be ok?

Me:   You mean like if 20 foxes just all died of old age and then someone gathered them up and SKINNED THEIR CORPSES to make me a coat, would that be ok?

Dad:  Gahd, you're so dramatic.  No, what if they all died in an earthquake or something?

Me:   Ok, I'm gonna' go...

Phone rings 20 seconds later -

Dad:  Do you want one of those camera things you put on the back of your car, so you can see when you're backing up?

Me:   ...

Lost. LOST. LOOOOSSST. L.O.S.T. Lost!

LOST is back tonight and I think it's fair to say that I'm pretty freakin' excited about it!  There have been many awesome things associated with LOST, but the link below is my FAVORIST ever!  It auto-plays and there's sound, so if you're at work, beware.

Seriously, I could watch this over and over and over.  It's like 3 years old and I've seen it 40 times and I STILL LOVE it.

Enjoy!

I Am a Thieving Thief

I copied this entry idea from my delightful friend A Lover and a Fighter over at Hobocamp, because A) I adore her and everything she does and B) because I have nothing to write about and I feel like a big ol' lazy lazyass and need to write something soon before you all go away and find BETTER boring people to read about.


Things You'll Never Hear Me Say:

• Pie is not suitable for dinner.
• I can't wait to dust!
• Please get me LOTS of ketchup packets and make SURE they put extra mustard on it!
• Hyperbole is stupid.
• I plan to be the first in line for this new technology.
• I beat Meg at a game of Scrabble. 
• $10 is not too much to spend on lip balm.
• There's nothing worth watching on tv, so I'm just going to do something productive instead.
• Being in "The Friend Zone" is just as good.  
• I am very graceful and have superior balance.
• No, I don't have to pee.
• I don't need anything from Sephora.
• My job is fulfilling and makes me feel good about my life choices.
• Oh, happy day, these pants fit perfectly & I won't need to wear heels with them or have them hemmed!
• I'm too thin and tan.

 Things I Never Thought I Would Say & Yet Have Said:

• My mp3 player needs more memory.
• Quitting smoking was actually pretty easy.
• I like my freckles.
• Coke Zero is delicious!
• Pine nuts are of THE DEVIL.
• The problem with kids today...
• I've met some of my closest friends and favorite people over the internet.
• I'm going to be FORTY in a month.
• Brussel sprouts are tasty.
• I don't know if I could live without Facebook.
• I kind of like living in Ohio. (mostly)
• According to Google Reader, 45 people read this nonsense.

What about you?  What's something you'll never say and something you never thought you'd say?

Pine FuckNuttery Part 2

Dammit.  Remember this?  So, I decided to try pine nuts again, thinking that maybe my reaction last time was because of a bad batch or specific to a particular type of pine nut.  This time I bought the teeny, tiny, wee pine nuts, as opposed to the big, torpedo-shaped ones like last time.  I thought they would be good with brussel sprouts.  I THOUGHT they'd be a nummy treat after not having had them for a year.  Why did I think this?  Because I am teh dumb.

Yuck.  Food is gross again.  And you wanna' know the REALLY sucky part?  I just bought the tastiest, sweetest, most flavorful blueberries (Chilean, natch) I've ever eaten and now they taste like battery acid.  (Ok, well, I'm guessing on that.  I've never actually had battery acid, so who knows, maybe it tastes delightful?)  Just like before, sweets and bread taste the blechiest, so maybe that's a good thing.  Maybe I'll lose a few ounces. 

Luckily, this time I only ate a few, because I wanted to see if I'd tolerate them.  I'm hoping maybe that means I won't have this nasty bitter taste for as long as last time.

Oh and not related to anything above - I taught Willow to come when I call her by using a hand command.  How cool is that?  She still ignores me about 50% of the time, because she IS a cat and they are hateful, little things, but the rest of the time, she actually responds.  She also sits for treats.  If I can just get her to stop whining at me from across the room, she'll be my favorite cat EVER.  (Shhh, don't tell her, but she already is my favorite cat ever.  Shhhhh, she'll get all cocky and shit if she knows this.)

So, I haven't talked to you kids for a while.  What's going on with you?  Any news?  OH and don't freak out or anything, but I'm probably going to post another entry tomorrow - TWO days in a row!  Can you even stand the excitement?

No More No Whining Wednesday?

Hiya!  So, I started the whole No Whining Wednesday thing about 6 months ago and frankly, it lasted about 5 1/2 months longer than I thought it would.  The enthusiasm and participation has been WONDERFUL and greatly appreciated.  Seriously, I really can't begin to express how many times you guys have yanked me out of the Bitter Barn with your positive comments and how appreciative I am - thank you! 

That said, I think it's run its course and it may be time to try something else; a new day with some sort of alliteration and theme.  I, of course, have not actually spent any real time thinking about this, so I'm putting it out there for you.  What should be the next day/theme?  I'm open to all suggestions and I'm looking forward to your ideas!


I'll still continue to observe the spirit of No Whining Wednesday, on Facebook and in my fleshlife, and I absolutely encourage everyone else to keep it up if you're feeling it, but I'm also looking forward to a change.  I'm looking forward to a new challenge and I hope you are, too!

Happy No Whining Wednesday and lay your suggestions on me!

Quick and Dirty

Quick and dirty and short and sweet - I'll let you make your own joke.

Ok, so, even though Cindy's on vacation and isn't around to nag me about my blog, I feel obligated to post something anyway. 

It's like seconds away from being Wednesday, so I'm not really allowed to whine about how MEG keeps kicking my ass in Scrabble and making me wonder why I continue to play with her and I'm not really allowed to whine about how that boy's flight got canceled last weekend, so we didn't get to make the kissy faces at each other.  INSTEAD, I'm going to focus on how I WON a game of Scrabble (not against that damn Meg though!) and how that boy's flight got rescheduled for this weekend, so I'll get to make kissy faces in THREE days!

Yeah, so if I can just get through the next 3 days (AGAIN), things will be good. 

Here are a few more of those calendar things (holy BALLS, thank god for that damn calendar so I don't have to think!)

• Meatballs
• Barbie doll hair (Seriously, it says this)
• The smell of popcorn (Ok, but not the microwave kind.  Sometimes it smells VILE.)
• Whimsical toothbrushes (Is this a thing?)
• Having pizzazz (Oh man, I love that word!  Could you even have that word in Scrabble?)
• High ceilings (Unless you have to paint them)
• A hemidemisemiquaver note (Anyone?)
• Toasted and buttered English muffins (Mmmm, with blackberry jam!)

What's going on with YOU kiddos?  Do you have anything fun planned?  Are you looking forward to anything?   Do you have anything to add to the happy list above?

Happy No Whining Wednesday!

Extra Whinyless No Whining Wednesday

Today's No Whining Wednesday post is going to shock you!  You should probably make sure you're sitting down.  If you have a nervous condition or startle easily, you may not want to read this.  Are you ready?  Are you SURE?  Ok, don't say I didn't warn you...

Thirteen is being helpful and is only barely getting on my nerves.

I know, right??  None of you saw THAT coming, did you?  Me either!  I don't know if she changed medications or has just finally settled into the job and relaxed a bit or if I've finally gotten used to her, but I've noticed that the last few weeks (I don't know how long it's been - I have no concept of time) she really doesn't seem to bother me.  She asks questions still, but not stupid questions and she doesn't babble about Robert Pattinson or fucking Twilight, so there's a huge improvement right there.  Plus, you can ask her to do anything and she'll just do it.  It's awesome!  She doesn't question it or complain, she just does it.  It's so cool!  We're working on a giant, icky project our boss gave us and she whined a bit about how stupid it is (and she's not wrong!), but she buckled down and did it and didn't bug me once.  I'm gonna' give her a sticker tomorrow if she keeps up the SUPER attitude!

So, yeah, that's pretty noteworthy, right?  Hmm, what else is going on?  Not much.  Life in 2010 is pretty much like 2009.  I still have my Christmas tree up, which really shouldn't surprise anyone.  Um, what else?  I've been watching "The Wire" and it's good, but I'm not blown away.  Uhhhh, what else...

Oh , here's some more of those things to be happy about from that calendar:

• Picnics around the fireplace
• Using chopsticks
• Chocolate fondue
• Commonsense folk sayings
• Sea monkeys
• Pockets of tranquility (which I originally read as "tranquilizers" - I like mine better.)
• A terrific hair day
• Lyrics sung incorrectly
• A glassed-in sun porch (which I think some people call a "Florida Room" - how cute is *that*?)
• Short naps

What else?  Oh YEAH, that boy?  He's coming to visit me this weekend!  Hugegianthappyface!

What's going on with you?  Did you have a good New Year's Eve?  Has your 2010 been good so far?

Happy No Whining Wednesday!