End of the Year EXTRAVAGANZA!!*

*Not really if you're going by the actual definition of EXTRAVAGANZA.

So, 2010 is ending and I can't complain.  I've had a pretty decent year.  I lost (what I thought was) a good friend, but I've made a lot more.  I've been remarkably healthy (did I just jinx the shit out of myself?) and so has my dad (I'm sure I just jinxed him).  I got my apartment Extreme Makeover-ed, ok, not technically, but I did get nice new carpet, paint, windows, and furniture.  Hell, I have HEATED STEPS up to my back porch, so yeah, that's awesome and nothing to sneeze at.  I've met some Pajiban/Facebook friends this year.  Maybe had sex with one or more of them.  That was fun!  And I tried a whole bunch of stuff I've never tried before (that's not related to the last sentence about sex).  Turns out that macaroni and cheese is pretty damn good.  WHO KNEW?  Oh, right.  Everyone.  But, just for the record, I still haven't tried that fluorescent orange shit in the blue box and I don't intend to.  I also tried a few fancy beers and it turns out that I kind of like them a little and would maybe want to try more.  This coming from the girl who didn't like Bud Light because it "tastes too beerish". 

What else?  I got a new cat, because why not?  He's chatty as hell and oppressively affectionate, but he's nice to have around since the other one only pays attention to me when she wants food.  Willow hates him, but I think she'll warm up.  She's too nosy to just ignore him, so I suspect he'll grow on her after a bit.  Speaking of, Thirteen has become not only tolerable, but actually likable.  I certainly didn't see that coming!   Oh, and Coke Zero is still delicious, despite what CERTAIN people (*coughKolbycough*) say. 

I never imagined that I'd be 40 and single and living in Ohio, it's not like it was my dream as a child, but turns out, it's not so bad.  Just a few years ago, I couldn't imagine making enough money to live comfortably, having a career I'm good at (and mostly like, though I'll deny it), and enjoying my life.  Enjoying my friends.  Enjoying my comfort with myself.  It's actually kind of neat.

So, I hope 2011 is as good or better for me than 2010 was and for my friends who had less delightful years, I hope 2011 kicks the shit out of 2010 for you!

Thanks for coming around year after year!  Especially you folks who keep searching for "what's the opposite of exciting" and winding up here.  You have NO idea how much that amuses me. 

Cheers and Happy New Year!

Pucker Up!

Ok, so you guys know how I maybe have a wee addiction to lip balm, right?  It might be out of control now.  I've designed the entire theme of Employee Appreciation Week around my addiction.

A couple of months ago, my boss, Thirteen, and I went to an HR conference.  There were a bunch of different vendors with booths & swag, and one of them, the Cleveland Zoo, was passing out lip balms with their logo.  Ok, well A) The ZOO!!!  and B)  Lip Balm!!!  Hello, happy Lainey!  Turns out that this is like the best lip balm ever (Yes, I say that about EVERY new lip balm, but this time I mean it.  It's like I tell every guy that he's THE BEST, I'm sure I've actually meant it once or twice...) and the label lists some company in Cleveland that makes it.

I looked it up and they will make lip balms for your company, with your logo, for some ridiculously cheap fee of like $.50/tube.  The catch is that you have to buy 100+.  Here's the thing, I actually THOUGHT about buying them myself, putting MY logo on them (Bobainey Balm - Pamper your pucker, sucker!  Cute, right?  I KNOW!), and then sending them to you kids with your Christmas cards, but then the reality set in of having 100 lip balms sitting in my house and me having to actually address and mail 80+ Christmas cards, which would STILL leave me with 20 lip balms, and yeah, that idea fizzled out.

I did some thinking and then some more and then I took a nap.  Then it dawned on me!  If we make Employee Appreciation Week be about relaxation and pampering, I could totally order these for our employees, get the company to pay for it, AND have my own personal stockpile of fantastic lip balm!  I AM AN EMMEREFFING GENIUS!

Wait, it gets BETTER!  So, because Thirteen enjoys projects, I assigned this to her.  She got in touch with them to get pricing information and other pertinent info and they sent us a DOZEN lip balms to choose from before we order ours for the employees.  I now have SEVEN lip balms sitting on my desk.  SEVEN.  So great.  (I let her keep 3 and give 2 to the admin assistant because I'm benevolent and a good sharer and shit.)

Oh, so anyway, Employee Appreciation Week is still going to be all about pampering and relaxation and feature the lip balms, but I don't even care anymore, I got what I wanted. We're also having cookies and tea.  Because I LIKE COOKIES. 

The end.

I Wasn't SLACKING, I Was BUSY!

 

 

So, there's this boy (although, maybe he would rather be called a man...)  Ok, so, there's this MAN and I'm maybe kinda' sorta' smitten with him and I *think* he's a little sweet on me, too.  Well, if he's not, he spends an awful damn lot of time on the phone with me when he could be doing ANYTHING else (seriously, y'all, contrary to what I'm SURE you're thinking, I am not really all that fascinating to talk to.  I know, shocking!).   He's SUPER smart and funny and sweet and I just really enjoy getting to know him.  My days are way more fun (and way less productive - sorry, boss!) and my nights are filled with entertaining conversations and lots of giggling.  Unfortunately, we don't live in the same place, so our time together is limited to gmail and the phone, but it's nice because we're actually having some good talks instead of just having the non-stop sex.  Please don't misunderstand, I'm not OPPOSED to the non-stop sex, but I'm also loving the extended foreplay of hearing his slight, little southern accent talk about my thiiighs...  Oh and also talking about politics, child-rearing, Oxford Commas, work, religion, and other hot-button topics on which we actually mostly agree (much to my surprise, frankly).

I'm not prepared to really talk about details, but I needed to say something, because I haven't had the flutterflies in a long time and it's awfully fun.  I forgot what it was like.

And now that I've rambled on and on, how are you?  Ready for Christmas?  Anything fun YOU want to talk about?

Happy No Whining Wednesday (late, but it's 11:59, so still totally counts) and a very Merry Christmas to you and yours!

The Pilgrims DIED So You Could Eat Sweet Potatoes!

My grandma actually said that to my cousin one Thanksgiving when we were little.  We've never forgotten it and it's become a holiday greeting at my family's house.

I was going to try to write up something nice and/or funny, but then I dicked around and went to the grocery store and put gas in my car and talked on the phone and made a grilled cheese sandwich (you're totally right, AvB - a LOT of work!) and then made some pumpkin dip, checked my work email (because I am DUMB and never learn), took a shower, picked out something to wear to work, packed my lunch, patted myself on the back for doing all of these things, and now I'm too tired.  So, I'm going to make YOU do the work for me (this is also how I get through most of my work days, but no one has figured it out yet - YAY for me!)

Thanksgiving (US Thanksgiving, the *real* Thanksgiving, not like that Canadianastukian "holiday") is Thursday - what are you most looking forward to about the holiday or the weekend?  For you Canadatians, pretend it's a month ago, what was your favorite thing about it?

For me, it's getting 4 days off.  The food and family part doesn't really interest me all that much, but the 4 days off is exactly what I need right now and I'm just so THANKFUL (see what I did there) that I can sleep in and lounge about and just be not at work!

Your turn! 

Sometimes Laziness DOES Pay!

First - Everything about Paheeba Day was incredible!  Thank you, you amazing, delightful, lovely ladies of Pajiba!  Thanks for all of your planning and writing and editing and Photoshopping and general awesomeness.  I feel privileged to be among your members.

 

Second - I was a giant, whiny baby on Monday.  GIANT.  So giant, in fact, that I actually *cried* in front of my boss.  My boss and I are also friends, so this isn't as tragic as it could have been, but still - come ON, we mock people who cry at work!  In the past couple of months, 7 of my friends have entered into relationships (some with each other, which is just about the cutest thing EVER) and I'm definitely happy for them.  However, my stupid girl-self also spent some time in the Bitter Barn feeling sorry for myself and lamenting my lack of a love life.  On Monday morning, my boss greeted me and said, "Hey, you look sad; what's up?" and then you know how when someone's nice to you it just makes you cry like a girl?  Yeah, so that happened.  At the end of my little Pity Party, she said, "I know you know this.  I KNOW you know this, but Lainey, no one's just gonna' just show up & knock on your door.  You have to get out there and make yourself available to meet people.  It's not just going to happen by sitting in your jammie pants and watching teevee."

 

Oh realllllllly?

 

So, Angel-ica sends me a text Monday afternoon, "Hey, would you be interested in going out with a 28-year-old guy"?  WhutWhut? 

 

I wrote her back and we played text tag for a few minutes until I got irritated as crap with that (GOD, I hate extended texting, unless it's of the dirty, sessy variety) and called her.  Her husband, M, works with a guy who said to him, "I'd just like to meet a nice, funny, cute, kinda' nerdy girl who's independent, kind of a homebody, has some meat on her bones and a brain in her head." and M exclaimed, "I KNOW THAT GIRL!" I told Angie that I'm not a nerd though and then she laughed and laughed...

 

Angie said that her husband was SO excited that he'd actually already emailed my picture to the boy and they were planning our first meeting/date.  I *jokingly* asked if he would mind if I showed up in my jammiepants and Angie shrieked, "Ohmygod, yes!  Yes, let's do that!"  So now, the 4 of us are going to get together at the boy's house, in our jammies, and watch movies, eat Mexican take-out, and play with the Wii.  I think it sounds like a lot of fun and even if it's not a love connection, it'll be good to have some interaction with a guy who isn't my dad or the janitor at my office.

 

Also, the fact that I get to keep saying to my boss, "Neener, neener, neener - enjoy working hard while I sit on my ass and do nothing!" has not grown old.

Third - Speaking of sitting on my ass and doing nothing - evidently that pays off at work, too!  I got a promotion (well, technically I got a better title & more vacation time) and a raise today.  Cool, right?  I'm sure this will come back to bite me in the ass as it can really only mean that more work is coming and they're trying to butter me up to do it.  Whatevs.  Not like I was doing anything anyway.

Fourth - I started Weight Watchers again a couple of weeks ago. I've lost 5 pounds and while I'm aware that it isn't much, at least the scale is going down instead of up for the first time in a really long time.  I'm freaking STARVING every afternoon around 4:30, so I need to find a way to deal with that, but otherwise, I'm doing pretty well and it's kind of fun to treat my daily points allotment as a scavenger hunt.  Now I just need to get off my lazy ass and throw some exercise into the mix.  Baby steps, baby steps...

Fifth - I tagged this with "waking up with things in your mouth" because it makes me laugh.

Sixth - I have to go to an Employment Law Review all afternoon on Friday, BUT, I get to go with my boss to Red Robin for lunch and I have been saving my extra Weight Watchers points this week so I can have a burger, fries and freckled lemonade.  I'm way more excited about this than I should be.

Seventh - After this Friday, I will not be required to wear pants on Fridays until next January!  Yeah, bitchez!  Between Thanksgiving and New Years, I will have every Friday off work.  Suh-fricken-weet!

Eighth - I don't have an eighth.

Ninth - My pajama date means I get to go shopping for new jammie pants - YAY for new jammie pants that actually serve a purpose for once!

Tenth - What do you squirrellybutts have going on this week?

If you would like to spoil the day for a grouch, give him a smile.

So, Monday starts Employee Appreciation Week at my office.  This basically means the Admin Assistant, Dana (truly one of the nicest people I've ever met), and I will spend a week (and a shit load of our time and patience) trying to make 360 employees feel appreciated.  They will in turn make us feel like slapping them.  No matter what we do, it won't be enough.  No matter how much we give, it won't be enough.  No matter how hard we try, it won't be enough.  That said, 11 people will appreciate our efforts.  It's the same 11 people every year and I've come to value them above all the rest.

Dana and I spent Friday afternoon shopping for supplies and planning the logistics of the week.  Last Thursday, I gathered the aforementioned 11 positive and grateful employees and dubbed them the Attitude Ambassadors (because I am a GIANT nerd).  I gave them each 2 little plastic smiley face trophies with the instruction that they are to give them out this week to people who do nice things for others or people they see being helpful or good role models.  Additionally, those employees who receive the awards are supposed to give the trophies away to other co-workers who have been helpful or kind to them...and so on...  I also gave them silly little smiley face stickers and asked them to give them to employees who looked like they were stressed or weren't having a good day.  I asked them not to tell the employees to "smile!"( because that makes me fucking stabby), but they should give the bummed co-worker a sticker and just nicely tell them that they hope their day gets better or a similar sentiment.  I'm really hoping that their example will influence the behavior and attitudes of the other employees.

Some of the activities we have planned for the week include:

• Jeans and tennis shoes every day.

• Raffle tickets will be passed out and all week we'll draw numbers for $25 gift cards to Kohl's, Best Buy, Olive Garden, Old Navy, Bed, Bath & Beyond, Giant Eagle, and Outback Steakhouse.  (haaa, I kept typing Steakhorse - totally different!)

• Monday, smiley face notepads and 4-color pens with our company's logo will be distributed to everyone.
  

• Tuesday will be Creative Arts Day.   The staff can wear their favorite movie, tv show or band/concert t-shirt (I'll be wearing my WhiskyBabyNinjaStar shirt, because no one will know what the hell it is and I'll probably say it's a band if anyone asks).  We'll be doing a DVD/VHS movie swap where they can bring in old CD's/movies/games and either trade them or just donate them  & we'll give them to the local library.  We're also giving everyone microwave popcorn packs with our company logo on them and putting big bowls of popcorn, M&M's, Red Hots, Lemon Heads and Milk Duds in all of the break rooms to munch on throughout the day and we're continuing the raffle, but the prizes are $10 gift cards for AMC Theaters and iTunes.  I think we have 10 of those to give away.
  

• Wednesday I'll be at a job fair all day with stupid Thirteen, but the kids at work will be getting caramel apples.  There better be some leftover apples for me when I come back on Thursday because caramel apples are one of my favorite things.  They're totally healthy 'cause they're fruit, dammit!

• Thursday we're having a catered lunch of roasted chicken, cheesy potatoes (these potatoes are TO DIE for!), applesauce, coleslaw and rolls & butter with yummy giant cookies for dessert.  I feel like we're doing something else on Thursday, but I can't think of what it is right now.

• Friday is Sports Day and employees can wear their favorite sports team jersey, t-shirt or sweatshirt.  It's also Boss's Day and for all of the Team Leads, Supervisors, Managers and Directors we have handmade AMAZINGLY delicious shortbread cookies iced to look like smiley faces.  They will also get pretty little brightly-colored wooden boxes with sayings written inside, like "Every day you get more wonderful".  Inside the boxes we'll be putting magnets with different sayings like "Live.  Laugh.  Love." and other hippy dippy phrases.  And then, because I'm 9, we also have a whole bunch of smiley face toys to give to them.  Smiley face slap bracelets and pencils; those paddle things with the string and the ball; smiley face stress balls; little plastic slinkies with smiley faces on them, etc., you get the idea.  Junky, fun, little things that they can keep or take home to their kids. 

That's our week.  It comes once a year in October and Dana and I plan and look forward to it.  We put a shit-ton of effort and creativity into and every year end up feeling bad because the employees are assholes.  But *this* year, I'm not going to let the negative ones get to me.  I'm going to focus my attention and energy on the ones who appreciate it and who genuinely feel appreciated, because we DO appreciate our employees.   This year, I'm going to have fun!

Waaahhhhh....

My word, this week has flown. FLOWN, I say! It's time for No Whining Wednesday again already.

I found myself looking forward to it today when I started getting a tidge cranky and picking at the little things. It's been a rough few weeks at work and if I let myself, I can easily wallow in the crapitude and negativity. I'm looking at Wednesdays as a palate cleanser, you know? A good time to stop. Take a deep breath. Reevaluate things. Refocus my energy.

I definitely plan to add to it after work on Wednesday and I really hope to be able to get even MORE positivity (is that a real word?) from your comments, but here's my good stuff for now.

* It's been in the low-to-mid 70's (I have no idea what that is in Celsius. I think I have to do math to figure it out and that's just not gonna' happen) with nice breezes for most of July. It's so wonderful to be able to sleep with the windows open and not sweat to death. PLUS, I'm not a Josie Grossie, from the nasty heat and humidity, by the time I get from the parking lot to my office every day.

* I got "Coraline" in the mail on Monday and I'm so going to watch it after work. This pleases me to no end!

* Speaking of movies, the lovely and talented Anna von Beaverplatz and I had a virtual movie date. We watched "Galaxy Quest" and chatted online during it and it was SO much fun! We're going to do it again soon and I think we've selected the fanfreakingtastically AWESOME "Fear" with Mark Wahlberg (who I secretly love and I don't even care. Suck it.) and Reese Witherspoon. Anyone who wants to join us is more than welcome! OOOH AND? I drank a Pepsi Throwback while we watched. First, I can't remember the last time I drank a non-diet soda and secondly, NO clue the last time I had one with sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup, but it wasn't bad. It's kind of spicy tasting, which I was unprepared for, but not unpleasant at all... Sorry, that was kind of tangenty, wasn't it? I'm SORRY. I've had quite a bit of caffeine and sugar this evening and my thoughts aren't exactly linear!!! I might be a tiny bit excitable. (!!!!)

* And finally - Thirteen is still annoying as hell, BUT she checks her notes before she asks me questions AND she is starting to actually take some initiative and has been *helpful* a few times. Progress!

Ok guys, your turn. What's the good stuff in your lives? Hell, I'll settle for things that are making you less stabby today...

Wow!!

You guys fucking rock! Ohmygod, this day has been amazing! Ok, seriously, it was a *rotten* day filled with crisis after crisis and I didn't leave until almost 8:00 pm, but it was AWESOME anyway. Allow me to elucidate (I love that word!)

Actually, I'm not going to get into all the crap that went wrong today, because it's still Wednesday and I would be breaking my own rule...and also because it's probably boring as hell to anyone who isn't me. Instead, I'm going to use what's left of this 24-hour period, before I go back to my usual surly self, and focus on the great stuff that happened today.

First - I had THE best cup of coffee ever. I don't know what I did differently or if I somehow stumbled upon the perfect combination of strong, dark coffee, half & half and stevia, but I'm not even lying, it was so tasty!

Second - A complicated SNAFU happened with our payroll & accounting software that meant 355 people weren't going to get the raise they were expecting on Friday's check. I was cross-referencing some boring shit this morning when I got in and kind of accidentally discovered this. Even though I have NO authority (seriously, I can't even order lunch for a meeting without getting some sort of approval from 4 directors) I got them to stop payroll, reverse direct deposits and re-issue checks. 352 people will have no idea that this happened and will go about their daily lives & open their paychecks on Friday seeing the increase they expected to see. 3 of us will know that I am a Big Damn Hero.

Third - I made my boss laugh so hard she snorted. In a meeting. It was beautiful!

Fourth - I can't access Blogger at work (stupid Websense!), but I get all of your comments via gmail. Holy Godtopus, you guys have no idea how uplifting a steady stream of emails from virtual strangers can be! I thank you all for participating and I could just pinch your cheeks!

Fifth - The AMAZING Anna von Beaverplatz kept the pressure ON today. In a good way. Girlfriend blogged about No Whining Wednesday, tweeted about it all day and trended (is that the proper tense? Trended? Really?) it on Twitter. Please, if you haven't already, go read her blog. She just makes life better, ya know?

And Eyvi didn't exactly have The Best Day Ever, but damn did she try! Also, I laughed at her kid hitting his head (you're not a bad mom, that shit was FUNNY!) & you will, too. Go read.

And finally - Miss Stacey Nosek herself was kind enough to post a link on Pajiba Love to this here fancy blog and people came from all over the world to check it out. I normally don't pay much attention to the StatCounter because I don't really care (don't take that the wrong way; of course I care about each and every one of you, I just don't care enough to pay attention to where you're coming from unless you're searching for some deviant "mommy & my cock" stuff. Which, seriously, wtf is UP with that? I'm going to have to post another update of search results...but I digress), but my goodness, the number of visits went up by like 200! So, if you're new here - hi, welcome, thanks for coming by. If you've been here awhile - hi, good to see you, why do you keep coming back? Seriously, the internet is a vast place full of time-wasters, surely you can find something more entertaining?

Ok, I'm done babbling for now. Again, thank you all SO much for indulging my made up holiday today! It really did change my whole attitude, mindset and mood today and I hope it did the same for you. I'm pretty sure I'll be doing this again next Wednesday, so if you got *anything* positive from it, please come back & do it again.

Oh, It 's Already Been Broughten!

I I scheduled an interview for Friday. An interview with a most unsuitable candidate. (Not this unsuitable, because I'm not a monster!) Then I took Friday off. Jackie has to do the interview.

And to up the douche factor? I yelled BOO-YA after I told her.

Lainey - 1 (maybe 1.5)
Jackie - 1

On a related note - jamiepants was attending a fair at a community college and may have the opportunity to snag her very own Go Army FREEDOM Mug. I am tickled pink at the prospect of multiple FREEDOM Mugs circulating throughout the blogonets. Tickled pink!

Lainey Appreciation Day!

So, today’s my birthday. I’m 39, which is kind of old, but honestly I’m ok with that. Partially, because I don’t really look old and partially because I don’t really feel old. Oh and partially because a really cute 29-year-old guy is coming over tonight to celebrate with me. And by “celebrate with me”, I mean “have the sexy time with me”. You’re never too old to be a slutty, slutty ho!

This year has been pretty good. I ended a really emotionally (and financially) draining relationship and feel better than I’ve felt in years. Things are busy, but not crazy at work and that’s refreshing and reassuring. Job security is far more important to me than it’s ever been and the idea of being unemployed and having to interview with bitches like me is a something I’d rather not have to deal with. I’ve “met” some AWESOME people this year through Pajiba and Facebook and blogging. I’ve had the privilege of really getting to know some fantastically funny and sweet people. And Sarina. (Kidding, Giggles!) Seriously, y’all are just great and have made me so glad that I decided to do this. And I’m glad I haven’t told any of my real life people about it, so I have the freedom to talk smack about fucking morons at work and my socially retarded family.

Hmm, what else? Not much actually. My life is pretty quiet. Dull even, but honestly I’m ok with that. Partially because I’m old…

PS: My dad got me the hat above. He bought it because it was “festive” and I didn’t have to just wear it on my birthday, I could wear it anytime during the birthday season. That’s what he said.

HAAA, kidding. He didn't. But really, would anyone have been surprised if he had?

PPS: So, turns out, I didn't really have much to say. Dull isn't as interesting as I had hoped...

So, it's entirely possible that I'm a genius...

Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I'll admit that I am not a member of MENSA, nor am I a Rhodes Scholar and frankly, I don't even know my IQ score, but I'm pretty sure it's around 700...I'm just sayin'...anyway, turns out, I'm a freakin' genius!

My biggest fear always used to be that I was retarded but no one ever told me. Now, I believe that it's the opposite - I'm a genius and no one ever bothered to inform me of this fact. You may be asking why it is that I'm so sure of my phenomenal intelligence (and by the way, don't feel bad - I like you all despite the fact that some of you probably shouldn't leave your homes without wearing a helmet; you know who you are.) and the reason is: I set up my own wireless internet connection BY MYSELF!!! That's right - no help from a guy, no Roadrunner or Linksys helpdesks, I did it myself (even with my father asking a non-stop stream of questions, that I swear I'm not making up, like why my "www can't just plug into the phone, is it because the phone is cordless? If it's wireless, why are all of those wires plugged in to the blue and black boxes with the lights on them? If I change the channel on the tv, will that affect my web? If I had a cigarette adapter, could I plug it into my car and drive around while internetting"? Seriously...maybe that's why I fear that I'm actually challenged??)

Ok, ok, so I may be broadcasting all of my personal information to anyone in a 4 block radius, I don't really know. And the internet connection may go away the moment I shut down my computer. That's not the point! I'll figure out the security aspects later. For now, it's all about THIS success. The success of using my GINORmous brain to do something I didn't think I could do. In the words of another genius, I "misunderestimated" myself and I'm not gonna' lie, it feels pretty good to be wrong this time!