Saturday, February 28, 2009

Lainey Appreciation Day!

So, today’s my birthday. I’m 39, which is kind of old, but honestly I’m ok with that. Partially, because I don’t really look old and partially because I don’t really feel old. Oh and partially because a really cute 29-year-old guy is coming over tonight to celebrate with me. And by “celebrate with me”, I mean “have the sexy time with me”. You’re never too old to be a slutty, slutty ho!

This year has been pretty good. I ended a really emotionally (and financially) draining relationship and feel better than I’ve felt in years. Things are busy, but not crazy at work and that’s refreshing and reassuring. Job security is far more important to me than it’s ever been and the idea of being unemployed and having to interview with bitches like me is a something I’d rather not have to deal with. I’ve “met” some AWESOME people this year through Pajiba and Facebook and blogging. I’ve had the privilege of really getting to know some fantastically funny and sweet people. And Sarina. (Kidding, Giggles!) Seriously, y’all are just great and have made me so glad that I decided to do this. And I’m glad I haven’t told any of my real life people about it, so I have the freedom to talk smack about fucking morons at work and my socially retarded family.

Hmm, what else? Not much actually. My life is pretty quiet. Dull even, but honestly I’m ok with that. Partially because I’m old…

PS: My dad got me the hat above. He bought it because it was “festive” and I didn’t have to just wear it on my birthday, I could wear it anytime during the birthday season. That’s what he said.

HAAA, kidding. He didn't. But really, would anyone have been surprised if he had?

PPS: So, turns out, I didn't really have much to say. Dull isn't as interesting as I had hoped...

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Letter to Myself

I saw this on TK's blog a long time ago. I stole the idea and have been sitting on it for awhile because I'm super lazy. BUT, I haven't written anything for over a week and now I feel bad because EIGHT people (thanks new person who added me) read this crap and probably are so sad that they can barely function; just wasting away waiting for me to post something. (I beg you not to ruin that fantasy for me. Thank you.)

The purpose of the blog post was to write a letter to your 13-year-old self. It looks ridiculously long and self-indulgent and it IS, I'm not gonna' lie, but it's a quick read.

Dear Lainey,

Hiiiiiiiieeeeeeee! It’s me…or you… or me, or whatever, anyway, I have some things to tell you that might make life a tiny bit easier for us. Who knows? Maybe (hopefully!) you’ll take the advice or maybe you’ve already hit the age where you think you know everything and anyone over 18 sounds like the teacher from ‘Peanuts’. Anyway, I hope you at least read this with an open mind.

First off: Don’t cut your hair after Brian Black dumps you for that girl Terri. He won’t care and you’ll be stuck with a really bad haircut that makes you look like a boy. PLEASE trust me on this. You have really great 80’s hair and you’re going to regret it, I promise. Secondly: Sorry dear, you’re short. You’re not going to get much taller. It’s best if you accept this now, learn to love high heels and learn to hem. Also, when it comes to heredity – don't go by the women on Dad's side of the family when it comes to breasts. It must come from Mom’s side, ‘cause you’re going to have biguns. Best to accept that early, too. Seriously, embrace it. They’re not going anywhere and your efforts to disguise them and hope no one notices isn’t going to work. When Laura G. tells you that, secretly guys really don’t like big boobs, laugh at her. Flaunt ‘em!

Moving on. When Ronda wants to smoke clove cigarettes? Yeah, just don’t. I know it seems cool and it’s “not really smoking”, but it isn’t cool and it is really smoking. Just don’t, ‘k? Also, Ronda is going to move away in 10th grade. I know this seems like the end of the world, but you’re still going to be friends. Don’t fret about it so much. You’re going to be friends for another 25 years or more. However, when she comes to visit you, don’t let her sit on the windowsill of the car on the way up the mountain to the Depeche Mode concert at Red Rocks! She can thank me for this later. I can’t say much more about your friends because you have pretty good taste when it comes to friends, BUT, don’t let Laura bully you. She’s funny and can be fun to be around, no question about it, but she’s an unhappy, possibly unstable, definitely selfish person who will try to drag you down with her. Don’t get sucked in. In fact, don’t buy in to all of the drama in school. Especially with girls you don’t even know. I know it sounds like something Grandma would say, but it’s very true – “if you can’t say something nice – shut the fuck up!” (Ok, Grandma would never say it like that, but you get what I mean.) Speaking of Grandma, be sweet to her. She loves you more than anyone else in the world ever could and all she wants to do is spend a few minutes talking to you. Just do it. I know she repeats herself and she likes to talk about Jesus a lot… okay, A LOT, but she really is a kind, gentle, funny, generous person who just adores you. Suck it up and call her occasionally.

High school is going to be a roller coaster, but here’s some good info to know; it’s like that for EVERYONE! Yeah, seriously. Brad R.? Has his own problems! That pretty cheerleader (sorry, can’t remember her name)? Yeah, she has problems, too. Don’t think you’re special – you’re not. You are, however, very cute! Instead of chasing after burnouts or football players, you may want to look around at some of the more creative and smart boys who like you. I know you think they’re dorks (and maybe they are, I’m not always right), but they’re going to treat you much better than the guys you’re normally attracted to and they may actually grow up and make something of themselves. In fact, don’t chase boys! I can’t be more emphatic about that. If you like a boy and you’ve let him know and he isn’t reciprocating? MOVE ON! Do not keep hanging around, do not become friends with him in the hopes that he’ll eventually like you as more than a friend, do not mope about it while listening to The Cure, just walk away and find another boy to crush on.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re not fat. You have curves. You’re not built like a 13 year-old boy. The sooner you stop comparing yourself to your friends, the happier you’re going to be. Please believe me when I tell you that later, maybe even in high school, hell, maybe even now, the other girls are going to envy you for your boobs and your ass. Be proud. Oh, but stop tucking your jeans and/or leggings into your socks and wearing pink Reebok hi-tops. It just looks stupid.

Dad is going to make you take a typing class in 10th grade. Instead of arguing with him about it, take a computer class. You won’t need more Theater or English classes, so take it. You’ll probably be the only girl in the class, so use that to your advantage and get as much help from the nerdboys as possible. Also, it’s evidently not that important that you do well in your English/Language Arts classes. In the future, 80% of the population can’t speak English for shit and this will just make you crazy, so you might as well ditch those classes and focus more on lip gloss. It’ll probably be more useful to you.

About Dad? He’s not always right, but he’s not always wrong either. Listen to him sometimes and make an effort not to roll your eyes every time he speaks. (I specifically avoided splitting the infinitive there and do you think anyone will notice? No. This is why I say don’t waste your time excelling in English.) Keep in mind that he’s a 36-year-old, single man (which is NOT old, by the way) raising a teenage daughter the best way he knows how. He’s never done this before either, so give him a break when he doesn’t understand why you’re a crying, boycrazy, drama queen mess sometimes. He’s a guy. Also, it’s going to help you to know that most guys you’ll meet aren’t like Dad. They don’t hold open doors and help you put on your coat. They won’t carry handkerchiefs and keep their nails trimmed. They won’t know how to clean and cook and do laundry properly and iron and know which shoes match what outfit – they just won’t know, so don’t expect all guys to be like that. They’re not. Dad is weird.

I’m sure there’s much more I could tell you, but you’re pretty hardheaded and I doubt you’d listen anyway. I will tell you this though: Don’t smoke. Moisturize! Don’t be afraid of being yourself – sounds unbelievably trite, but it’s so true. You’re a really good kid and it’s not a bad thing to be smart. You’re not going to be liked by everyone and that’s OK!!! Don’t hate how you look (your freckles will mostly fade, by the way). Lose your virginity whenever you want, but do it because you really want to do it, not because you’re too embarrassed to say “no”. Don’t be mean to other girls just because your friends are. Accept that it’s okay to have unexpressed thoughts – seriously, try it. Taco Bell is not Mexican food, so stop saying you love Mexican food – you don’t. Wear your glasses when you read. Don’t give up vodka for 7 years because of one stupid night. Don’t be a jerk to boys who approach you, even if they’re not cool. It takes a lot of guts for them, so don’t be a bitch about it. Try shrimp, you’ll like it. Don’t waste 5 years on David S. Go to college and live in the dorms. Don’t be obnoxious in 8th grade Social Studies class. You and Ronda do not want to feel guilty for years that you contributed to your teacher quitting teaching. Oh and very important – when you’re 27, DO NOT sell your Qualcomm stocks!!!!