Not Everyone Can Be An Astronaut

In pursuit of my latest addiction, Aquafina lip balm, (SHUT UP, addiction is a serious matter and is not something to be ridiculed!) I went to DrugMart, by my house.  I call it MethMart and trust me when I tell you that in order for me to willingly go there, I was DESPERATE for my balm fix.  I found my presssshhhus (and maybe some blueberry cheesecake ice cream, again, stfu, thankyouverymuch) and headed to the checkout line.  The girl behind the register was about 19 or 20 and was a big fan of glittery eyeshadow and lip piercings that maybe looked a tidge infected.  This was our conversation.

Me:  Hi, how are you?
Her:  What?
Me:  How are you?
Her:  Oh.
Me: . . .
Her:  I've never seen this before.  I didn't know Aquafina made lip balm.
Me:  It's great - it's my new favorite.
Her:  What does it taste like?  Does it taste like water?
Me:  . . . Pardon?
Her:  The lip balm, does it taste like water?
Me: Um... no.  It tastes kind of minty.
Her:  Oh.  I don't think I would like that. 
Me:  Pardon?
Her:  I don't think I would like that.  Huh, it's weird.
Me:  Oh... um, well, I have a lot of lip balms that are mint-flavored, so I guess I'm used to it.
Her:  No, I meant mint-flavored water.  I didn't know they had that.  I don't think I'd like it.
Me:  . . . *blink*  Ummmm?  What?
Her:  Aquafina.  I didn't know they made mint-flavored water.
Me:  Oh... I don't think they do.  I think just the lip balm is mint-flavored.
Her:  Oh.  I wonder if there's lemon-flavored water.  That would be good.
Me:  Hmmm, ok, have a good night!

Aaaaaand scene.

I hope she enjoys working at MethMart and more importantly, I hope MethMart enjoys her, because she's probably not going to be receiving multiple offers of employment on a regular basis...

Conversations with My Father - Pt. 7

Now I think he's messing with me.

Dad:  Hey, will you make me a Facebook?

Me:  What?  Why?  You don't have a computer.

Dad:  I know, but you could give me updates from people and then tell them what I'm up to.

Me:  . . .
Dad:  Everyone keeps asking me if I have a Facebook and I tell them I don't, but that you do, so they said you could make me one.
Me:  Well, that's true, I COULD make you one, but you wouldn't be able to use it because you don't have a computer.

Dad:  I KNOW, LAINEY, but YOU have a computer.

Me:  I don't understand.  Do you want me to bring my computer over?

Dad:  *sigh*  No.  I want you to make me a Facebook.

Me: . . .

Dad:  Just make me a Facebook and then tell me what people say.

Me:  WHAT PEOPLE?  I can't just MAKE you a Facebook and people will magically appear!

Dad:  Yes, they will.  They'll see that I have a Facebook and then they'll friend me.

Me:  Do you even know what "friend me" means?

Dad:  Yes, Lainey, I'm not retarded.  They'll be on my friends list and I can see what they're doing.

Me:  But YOU won't be able to see what they're doing, because you don't have a computer!

Dad:  But YOU do!

Me: I swear to god, I'm gonna' punch whoever told you to get on Facebook.  Just CALL people if you want to know what they're up to.
Dad:  That's SO 2005

What a Weird Day

Hi!  I think it's only fair to warn you that this will not be interesting or entertaining, but hey, that's just how life goes sometimes, ya' know?

So, last night I did not sleep well at all.  I suck at sleeping normally, but last night I was extra bad at it and got a total of maybe 3 hours and yet still woke up in a fairly decent mood.  I bopped out to my car this morning and grabbed my sunglasses from their spot, put the key in the ignition, all the lights lit up, and then nothing.  Car no go.  I called my friend, the race car driver, because he knows a bit about engines and also because WHO WOULDN'T want to talk to me first thing on a Monday morning?  He asked a couple of questions and told me it was the battery (which, I totally thought he was full of shit because the lights and stuff worked, but I went with it anyway, because, well, he's a guy and he knows about cars and because I didn't feel like arguing with him) and that a jump would probably get it started and I should get a new battery.  I called my boss and said I'd be late (oh and I had Thursday afternoon and Friday off, so I'm SURE my boss was all, "Really?  Seriously, you're going to call in late on a Monday after a long weekend?  Really?") and then called my dad and woke him up.  I asked him if he would jump my car (even though I still really didn't think it would be that simple) and he, because he's a very nice guy, said sure and then showed up in his boxers.  He at least had the decency to put on a shirt, but evidently it was too difficult to pull on a pair of jeans over those boxers...  Anyway, he told me my jumper cables were "girl cables" (No, they were not pink.  I don't know what the hell "girl cables" are, but whatever) and would use his instead.  Hooked it up and voila' - started right up.  Dammit, I hate it when that boy is right! (Thank you!)  Oh and then my dad taught me how to use the jumper cables - twice, because I am apparently not bright enough to understand red to red and positive to positive and the directions written on the tag attached to the cables...

Most of the day went by as usual - catching up on emails and FMLA paperwork and reading the EMPHATIC opinions of the LOST finale, when my boss called me in to her office.  So check this out, we have an employee who is sabotaging another employee.  There's this guy who runs reports and saves them to a shared drive and then this saboteur (is that a real word?) is going in and changing his reports or deleting portions of them and this guy keeps getting blamed for having fucked up work!  I KNOW, RIGHT?  Like for months, he's been getting in trouble for errors on his reports and for missing & incorrect information and he's been going crazy telling his supervisor that he did the report correctly and everyone just thinks he's a dumbass or a lying dumbass and come to find out, his co-worker is totally SCREWING him over!  He started taking screen caps of his reports and emailing them to another co-worker, so he can prove that he did it correctly and blah, blah, blah, the IT guys did something and figured out that this co-worker of his was logging in as him, but from her computer, I don't know it's all computery... all I know is this chick is a fucking piece of work and I'm curious to see how this plays out.  AND THEN zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz sorry, I launched into a totally different REALLY boring story and decided that even I didn't care enough to finish it, so you probably wouldn't care enough either.   I'll just leave you with this - I spent $25 on a bottle of shampoo.  Because I have zero impulse control and because that damn Meg told me I should, so now I'm off to wash my hair and it better be A-FREAKIN'-MAZING.

Oh sorry, how rude of me - how are YOU?  Anything you'd like to share with the other kids?

Cost Effective AND Good for the Environment!

You guys, this week?  Holy balls.  This week has kicked me in the teeth and almost reduced me to tears a couple of times.  It's INSANE the amount of crap that's going on at work and people have done lost their damn minds!  Ohmylord.  But anyway, this isn't about that.  This entry is not a "woe is me, my job is *hard*" post.  This entry is all about the GEM I found today when emptying the Suggestion Box (Which seriously, really needs a new name. Rarely, if ever, have I had a legitimate and cost-effective/helpful suggestion come from it. In fact, truth be told, I fucking hate the Suggestion Box and think it's worthless and encourages stupidity.  One of the first "Suggestions" [Yes, it needs quotes] was for the company to pump pure oxygen in through the air vents, so the employees would be more alert and productive.  Hand to God.  Actual "Suggestion".). 

However, I want to find this person and ask them to be my new BFF.

Haa, A-MEN, my red pen-loving friend.  A-fucking-men!

Special Little Snowflakes

This may be rambling and incoherent - I'll do my best to stay on topic and to self-edit.

Usually around Christmas everyone wants to take vacation time, but the office still needs to be staffed, so they limit the number of people who can be off at the same time.  A couple of years ago our senior management team made the decision to let employees who worked on Christmas Eve day leave 2 hours earlier than the end of their scheduled shift and get paid for those 2 hours.  It was a perk for the employees who had to come in that day.  If you took a vacation day on Christmas Eve, however, you had to use 8 hours of PTO.

This year, our senior management team made the decision to close the office at 12:00 on Christmas Eve.  They also decided it was dumb to limit the amount of people who could have the day off, since most of the companies or agencies we do business with are closed or are short-staffed also.  Additionally, for reasons I still don't understand, they've also decided to pay everyone for 4 hours, whether they work or not.  So, basically, if you choose to take the day off, you can and you only have to use 4 hours of PTO and the Company will pay for the other 4 hours to give you a full day's pay.  If you don't have any PTO and you choose to work that day, you only have to work 4 hours and the company will pay you for a full 8-hour day.  Sounds great, right?  Yeah, not to everyone, apparently...

One of our Special Little Snowflakes has decided that this is somehow unfair.  In the past, the extra 2 hours of pay was a REWARD for coming in and working, but NOW the Company is going to pay EVERYONE 4 hours whether they work or not and to her, that's not fair!  It's not fair that if she comes in to work, someone who chooses to take off that day still gets the same benefit she gets.  She's, in her words, "being PENALIZED" for coming in and working. 

Wait, what?  Seriously?  Yeah, she's in a snit because everyone gets 4 hours paid and she's evidently pissed because she gets paid for an additional 2 hours and has to work 2 hours LESS than in previous years...let that sink in.  She's mad and thinks it's unfair because why should EVERYONE get this "perk"?  What the fuck is wrong with you?   I don't understand this logic.  Can someone please explain this to me?   Also, can someone explain the word "penalize" to her, because I don't think it means what she thinks it means.

OK, fine, so she's just some random malcontent - EXCEPT, no, she's posted this all over her Facebook page and because she's a goddamned genius, she's "friended" her supervisor, who then brings it to HR, because now it's a "morale issue".  Wait, back up.  The Company is paying employees to not  work or to be at work for half a day and somehow we have a morale problem because of this?  I swear don't understand.  Am I being dense?  Can someone PLEASE explain this to me?

I Am Not the Mom of You!

This has been a challenging week at work.  Well, hell, most weeks are challenging, this one has just been mildly more irritating in its challenges.  I was tasked by the VP and Directors to create & head a committee of employees to come up with ways to "fix" the office.  Fix morale, fix shitty attitudes, fix low productivity, fix high turnover.  Yeah, that shouldn't be too hard, right?  I mean, gee, "Here Lainey, in addition to all of your regular responsibilities, we are charging you with changing the attitudes of 370 people of varying personalities, ages, genders, socio-economic backgrounds, etc.  You need to make 370 people 'like each other and like their jobs'.  You're creative and we haven't been able to do it, so here ya' go.  Make it happen!"

So, I'll get on that this week, but I have to make sure I leave time for the following conversations that I have daily:  (I'm not making any of these up.)

Employee #1 - I don't know what to do anymore.  The co-worker in the next cube over eats chips and salsa every afternoon and the smell is killing me.  Can you make her stop or move my desk?

Employee #2 - My co-worker hums.  It's really annoying and I can't take it anymore.  Also, she chews gum pretty loud.  Can you please send out an email telling people to be respectful of the people around them?

Employee #3 - Someone is wearing really strong perfume or lotion and it's giving me a headache.  Can you please send out a reminder email that people shouldn't wear strong scents because some people are sensitive and have allergies?  (By the way, we send this out at least 5 times a year and we cover it EXTENSIVELY in New Hire Orientation.  It doesn't work.)

Employee #4 - My co-worker made fun of me today because I'd never heard of putting sour cream on jojos.  My grandmother is dying and I don't appreciate being made fun of.  Can you please move her to another department or tell her she can only talk to me about work-related things?

Employee #5 - Why do the heavier employees get to wear leggings/stretch pants if the rest of us can't?  I don't think it's fair.  They have stores for bigger people, why can't they get clothes that fit them when we're expected to adhere to the dress code?

Employee #6 - I need copies of my paystubs for the last 12 months.  (Me: did you save any of them?) I have most of them at home, but they're not in any kind of order and I'm missing some, but I don't know which ones and I need them today because I'm trying to get a loan.  Can you just print them all out?  (Without going into the system and individually opening 26 paystubs and reprinting them, no, I can't just print them all out.)

Employee #7 - (Anonymous note on my desk) Please make the supervisors stop calling employees "honey" or "sweetie".  It's insulting and demeaning.  It's unprofessional.  They should be written-up.

Employee #8 - My supervisor has cankles and someone needs to make her wear long pants instead of skirts because it makes me want to puke when I see her legs.  (Ok, I *might* have made this one up, but it's not that far-fetched.)

Employee #9 - Someone stole my Pepsi out of the refrigerator.  This is the 5th time this has happened.  Can we set up a security camera?  (Yes, we'll set up a camera for your $.60 soda.)

Employee #10 (my boss) - Ohmygod, did you watch "Two and a Half Men" last night?  It is HILARIOUS!  God, I love that show!

So, surely I'm not the only one with petty co-workers.  What's the most ridiculous/silly/whiny/petty thing you've heard from your co-irkers or supervisor?  Please help convince me that while my employees are "special", they aren't unique.

09/09/09

 

Happy No Whining Wednesday, y'all!

I don't have much to add to this week's entry, but I'm going to dig deep and come up with something.

1)  My skin is really soft right now.  I have no idea why, but I like it and I keep petting my face.

2)  My inappropriate crush on one of the Directors at work is now shared by one of his subordinates!  It's so awesome.  She's the supervisor for his department and we act like dorky, giggly 16-year-olds; calling each other in the morning, "Have you seen him today?" "YES, he looks so adorable!  He's wearing your favorite shirt." "OMG, teeheehee!"  And then I find a reason to go upstairs to her office so we can casually stroll by his office to say "hi".  Yep, I'm a spaz and I don't really care.  It's amusing as hell and the supervisor and I are having a ball acting like moron teenagers.  I'm fairly certain that this will be HILARIOUS when I'm packing my personal belongings in a box and being escorted out of the building...

3)  The President of the United States addressed school children today and I have yet to see a parade of zombified, Commie kids roaming the street attempting to round up Death Panels to kill all the old people - ooh, like "Children of the Corn"!  OUTLANDERS!!  So, yeah, I think that's something good, right?  I mean, think of the HORRORS that could have occurred from THE PRESIDENT addressing innocent schoolchildren and encouraging them to stay in school, work hard and take personal responsibility for their successes and failures.  Oh no, just IMAGINE the horror!!!  Holy balls people are retarded.  

(Ok, so that last one wasn't really a No Whining Wednesday thing, but it needed to be said and it's my blog, so fuck it, I said it.)

4)  Blogger has a new editor, so I can write in red and I can cross out strikethrough and write really big or really small and I can change the font to different styles now.  There are no limits to the AWESOME things I can do ... but, yeah, I'll probably still write in the default style with bold and italics and *s because I'm very lazy and I don't really embrace change.

What's going on with you guys?  Anything new and fun?  Anything sorta boring, but not sucky?  Anything?  Anyone?  Don't be shy!