End of the Year EXTRAVAGANZA!!*

*Not really if you're going by the actual definition of EXTRAVAGANZA.

So, 2010 is ending and I can't complain.  I've had a pretty decent year.  I lost (what I thought was) a good friend, but I've made a lot more.  I've been remarkably healthy (did I just jinx the shit out of myself?) and so has my dad (I'm sure I just jinxed him).  I got my apartment Extreme Makeover-ed, ok, not technically, but I did get nice new carpet, paint, windows, and furniture.  Hell, I have HEATED STEPS up to my back porch, so yeah, that's awesome and nothing to sneeze at.  I've met some Pajiban/Facebook friends this year.  Maybe had sex with one or more of them.  That was fun!  And I tried a whole bunch of stuff I've never tried before (that's not related to the last sentence about sex).  Turns out that macaroni and cheese is pretty damn good.  WHO KNEW?  Oh, right.  Everyone.  But, just for the record, I still haven't tried that fluorescent orange shit in the blue box and I don't intend to.  I also tried a few fancy beers and it turns out that I kind of like them a little and would maybe want to try more.  This coming from the girl who didn't like Bud Light because it "tastes too beerish". 

What else?  I got a new cat, because why not?  He's chatty as hell and oppressively affectionate, but he's nice to have around since the other one only pays attention to me when she wants food.  Willow hates him, but I think she'll warm up.  She's too nosy to just ignore him, so I suspect he'll grow on her after a bit.  Speaking of, Thirteen has become not only tolerable, but actually likable.  I certainly didn't see that coming!   Oh, and Coke Zero is still delicious, despite what CERTAIN people (*coughKolbycough*) say. 

I never imagined that I'd be 40 and single and living in Ohio, it's not like it was my dream as a child, but turns out, it's not so bad.  Just a few years ago, I couldn't imagine making enough money to live comfortably, having a career I'm good at (and mostly like, though I'll deny it), and enjoying my life.  Enjoying my friends.  Enjoying my comfort with myself.  It's actually kind of neat.

So, I hope 2011 is as good or better for me than 2010 was and for my friends who had less delightful years, I hope 2011 kicks the shit out of 2010 for you!

Thanks for coming around year after year!  Especially you folks who keep searching for "what's the opposite of exciting" and winding up here.  You have NO idea how much that amuses me. 

Cheers and Happy New Year!

Conversations with My Father Pt. 3

This is a true story and JUST happened like 5 minutes ago.

Dad: Did you take $200 out of my checking account?

Me: Yeah, like 2 or 3 weeks ago.

Dad: Why would you do that?

Me: Um, remember that $200 check I asked you to deposit for me and you accidentally deposited it in *your* account and I said, "No big deal, I'll just transfer it to my account". Remember that?

Dad: Well I DO NOW, but I didn't remember it earlier when I got my bank statement and it said "$200 withdrawal - internet transfer" and I marched down to the bank demanding to know who the fuck was stealing money from me on the internet! And the girl said, "Oh no! Let me see what's going on...oh, Mr. Bobainey, a Miss Lainey Bobainey transferred $200 from your account, on which she has signature ability (that you made her take time off of work to go fucking get so that she could access your whopping $1100 checking account in case you die in your sleep and she needs money to have someone haul out the 400 fucking jars of pickles that you keep buying because they're only $.88 apiece even though you never eat them, but by all means, keep buying them because hey, why not... she might not have actually said any of this part...), to her account on March 27th."

Me: *facepalm* Great, so now the bank thinks I'm embezzling from my father. Awse. Dad, why didn't you ask me first instead of going to the bank?

Dad: Because, LAINEY, I've seen this on the news. Internet people hijack (I think he meant "hack") into the accounts of rich old people and take a little bit at a time so no one becomes suspicious and since you put my account on the internet (not even going to bother trying to correct him on this one) when you got access to it, I was afraid it notified hijackers or something.

Me: Ok, first of all, you're only 62 and you're also not exactly rich. Secondly, you need to just stop watching the news.

Dad: Maybe the bank should have something in place where they send an email if someone tries to access your account?

Me: But, you don't have an email...

Dad: YES, I do!

Me: *sigh* Nope, you're right - I forgot. I'll call the bank on Monday and tell them to send you an email at dennybobainey at the internet dot com from now on.

Dad: Good. That's just common sense, you know?

Me: Yep...

Phone rings 20 seconds later...
Dad:  Will you check my email - maybe the bank already does this?

I Am a Thieving Thief

I copied this entry idea from my delightful friend A Lover and a Fighter over at Hobocamp, because A) I adore her and everything she does and B) because I have nothing to write about and I feel like a big ol' lazy lazyass and need to write something soon before you all go away and find BETTER boring people to read about.


Things You'll Never Hear Me Say:

• Pie is not suitable for dinner.
• I can't wait to dust!
• Please get me LOTS of ketchup packets and make SURE they put extra mustard on it!
• Hyperbole is stupid.
• I plan to be the first in line for this new technology.
• I beat Meg at a game of Scrabble. 
• $10 is not too much to spend on lip balm.
• There's nothing worth watching on tv, so I'm just going to do something productive instead.
• Being in "The Friend Zone" is just as good.  
• I am very graceful and have superior balance.
• No, I don't have to pee.
• I don't need anything from Sephora.
• My job is fulfilling and makes me feel good about my life choices.
• Oh, happy day, these pants fit perfectly & I won't need to wear heels with them or have them hemmed!
• I'm too thin and tan.

 Things I Never Thought I Would Say & Yet Have Said:

• My mp3 player needs more memory.
• Quitting smoking was actually pretty easy.
• I like my freckles.
• Coke Zero is delicious!
• Pine nuts are of THE DEVIL.
• The problem with kids today...
• I've met some of my closest friends and favorite people over the internet.
• I'm going to be FORTY in a month.
• Brussel sprouts are tasty.
• I don't know if I could live without Facebook.
• I kind of like living in Ohio. (mostly)
• According to Google Reader, 45 people read this nonsense.

What about you?  What's something you'll never say and something you never thought you'd say?

Zoom, Zoom, Zoom!

Holy crap, this year has come to an end in a quick hurry!  Like all of a sudden.  It seems like the appropriate time to do an end-of-year post, but I don't really feel like it.  I'm not feeling introspective and I'm not making a bunch of resolutions, so it just doesn't really feel like that would be a good post to write or read. 

Instead, I would like to talk about how small my cat's head is.  Seriously, you guys, it's tiny.  She looks like a seal.  Big round body;  bitty, little head.  And then these giant eyes.  She sounds kind of creepy when I describe her like that, but she's really not, she's just terribly unfortunately proportioned.  She's actually cute.  Angie describes her as grand.  It's fitting.

Also, I would like to talk about what a fucking nutjob Sarina is.  I know this doesn't really come as a shock to anyone, but sometimes it just needs to be said.  Sometimes people might wonder if she's truly crazypants or if it's just an act - I'm here to tell you that girlfriend is beyond batshit.  Of course, I should also say that I love her more than anything else.  Well, not more than waffles, but a LOT.

Oh and not related to anything, I got a calendar for Christmas.  It's called "3,650 things to be happy about.", so you can all just pretty much COUNT on that shit getting sprinkled around the joint when I have nothing good for No Whining Wednesdays.  Here's an example of what EVERY page is like:

• an owl hooting
• milk with your meal
• an unexpected job offer
• the patience to untangle a knot
• finger painting
• helping out a neighbor
• the vocabulary of pasta shapes
• conserving electricity
• stories behind photographs
• relishing the preparations

So, there's that.  I don't know that those things make me *happy*, but they don't make me *sad*, so I'm going to go with it. 

In case you haven't figured it out yet, I'm just babbling at this point and I have no idea how to finish this, so I'm just going to wish you all a happy No Whining Wednesday and ask if you have any big New Year's Eve plans or resolutions?

Best No Whining Wednesday Ever!

We'll return to your regularly scheduled random blatherings tomorrow.  Today, it's all about Paheeba Day.  Enjoy!

NWW, Wheeeee!

Hey guys, yeah, I suck. I know. That may or may not have been part of the SEX story I promised you...

I'm finding that between Pajiba, Facebook, Twitter and here, I don't really have that much to say. My boss would find that SHOCKING because I always seem to have plenty of shit to say at work. I think she'd like to institute "No Talking Wednesday". Yeah, that's just not gonna' happen. But really, I just don't have much of anything to write about. If something fun or interesting or annoying happens, I usually put it on Facebook or Twitter and then if I put it here, it seems repetitious (ok, seriously? That's a really hard word to spell!) I'm having trouble coming up with stuff that isn't 400 pages long or just a rehash of my stupid boring days. *sigh* I have no idea why you guys keep coming back. Except for Anna von Beaverplatz. She keeps coming back to see if we're actually the same person. I'm fairly certain that we are. Did you guys read her real time review of The Lost Boys? Ok, go read it. I'll wait.

Speaking of von Beav - we're going to watch Fear Wednesday night. Again, I've published this all over my damn Facebook page, so everyone but Cindy (*ahem*, dude, just come over to the Dark Side. Life is SO much nicer once you just succumb to the Pajiba peer pressure) should have seen the news that we're watching it. I'm pretty excited to watch it because a) it's a REALLY crappy movie, but I love the hell out of it and b) even though he plays a total psycho, it's where my love for Marky Mark was cemented. I love his whispery/raspy voice with the heavy Boston accent. I never had an interest in him when he had his crappy "band" or even when he was a Calvin Klein underwear model. But, as an actor, I dig him. He's got the sexiness.

What else? Oh, Wednesday is my boss's birthday. I'm picking up lunch and bringing a card for everyone to sign. I asked Thirteen if she would pick up a cake or cupcakes. She goes, "Yeah sure. I'll just bring some cookies or something." NO, DUMBASS. CAKE! Whatever. She's really lucky I haven't run over her in the parking lot yet.

I *will* post the SEX story at some point, but I haven't decided yet how much to share & I can't decide if it's even interesting to anyone but me. We'll see. I WILL tell you this though - did you know Amazon.com sells sex toys? Well, they do! Doesn't matter how I know, just say, "thanks for the valuable info, Lainey". You're welcome!

So, you guys up for another round of No Whining Wednesday? Are you still into it? I am! I can't believe the effect it has on my mood. It's amazing the difference I feel when I know that I don't necessarily have to be Suzy Sunshine, but I also know that I can't be Debbie Downer. That second of checking myself before I automatically bitch about something or the energy I redirect from whining to finding something positive in the situation. It really puts me in a better mood from the moment I wake up. Does it do that for you too or are you all just humoring me? I hope it's doing something for each of you. Even if it's just for a couple of minutes a week. Your comments and positive energy are like a drug for me and I look forward to Wednesdays now. Thanks for that!

And now that I've babbled on and on, Happy No Whining Wednesday! Gimme my fix!

Wow!!

You guys fucking rock! Ohmygod, this day has been amazing! Ok, seriously, it was a *rotten* day filled with crisis after crisis and I didn't leave until almost 8:00 pm, but it was AWESOME anyway. Allow me to elucidate (I love that word!)

Actually, I'm not going to get into all the crap that went wrong today, because it's still Wednesday and I would be breaking my own rule...and also because it's probably boring as hell to anyone who isn't me. Instead, I'm going to use what's left of this 24-hour period, before I go back to my usual surly self, and focus on the great stuff that happened today.

First - I had THE best cup of coffee ever. I don't know what I did differently or if I somehow stumbled upon the perfect combination of strong, dark coffee, half & half and stevia, but I'm not even lying, it was so tasty!

Second - A complicated SNAFU happened with our payroll & accounting software that meant 355 people weren't going to get the raise they were expecting on Friday's check. I was cross-referencing some boring shit this morning when I got in and kind of accidentally discovered this. Even though I have NO authority (seriously, I can't even order lunch for a meeting without getting some sort of approval from 4 directors) I got them to stop payroll, reverse direct deposits and re-issue checks. 352 people will have no idea that this happened and will go about their daily lives & open their paychecks on Friday seeing the increase they expected to see. 3 of us will know that I am a Big Damn Hero.

Third - I made my boss laugh so hard she snorted. In a meeting. It was beautiful!

Fourth - I can't access Blogger at work (stupid Websense!), but I get all of your comments via gmail. Holy Godtopus, you guys have no idea how uplifting a steady stream of emails from virtual strangers can be! I thank you all for participating and I could just pinch your cheeks!

Fifth - The AMAZING Anna von Beaverplatz kept the pressure ON today. In a good way. Girlfriend blogged about No Whining Wednesday, tweeted about it all day and trended (is that the proper tense? Trended? Really?) it on Twitter. Please, if you haven't already, go read her blog. She just makes life better, ya know?

And Eyvi didn't exactly have The Best Day Ever, but damn did she try! Also, I laughed at her kid hitting his head (you're not a bad mom, that shit was FUNNY!) & you will, too. Go read.

And finally - Miss Stacey Nosek herself was kind enough to post a link on Pajiba Love to this here fancy blog and people came from all over the world to check it out. I normally don't pay much attention to the StatCounter because I don't really care (don't take that the wrong way; of course I care about each and every one of you, I just don't care enough to pay attention to where you're coming from unless you're searching for some deviant "mommy & my cock" stuff. Which, seriously, wtf is UP with that? I'm going to have to post another update of search results...but I digress), but my goodness, the number of visits went up by like 200! So, if you're new here - hi, welcome, thanks for coming by. If you've been here awhile - hi, good to see you, why do you keep coming back? Seriously, the internet is a vast place full of time-wasters, surely you can find something more entertaining?

Ok, I'm done babbling for now. Again, thank you all SO much for indulging my made up holiday today! It really did change my whole attitude, mindset and mood today and I hope it did the same for you. I'm pretty sure I'll be doing this again next Wednesday, so if you got *anything* positive from it, please come back & do it again.

Lainey Yap

Lagniappe
la·gniappe \ˈlan-ˌyap \

Etymology:
American French, from American Spanish la ñapa the lagniappe, from la + ñapa, yapa, from Quechua yapa something added

: a small gift given a customer by a merchant at the time of a purchase ; broadly : something given or obtained gratuitously or by way of good measure; a little something extra :


You guys are my lagniappe.

I started this thing as a distraction. When Michael and I ended our relationship, I didn't know what to do with all of my time. I started spending more time at Pajiba (It's true. Ask the IT guys at work. They can probably tell you exactly how much time I spend at the 'jiba) and eventually dipped my toe in to comment. I had been reading for a while and I trusted that TK, AlabamaPink and socalledonlycousins** wouldn't let anyone rip me up too badly. No one did and slowly, but surely, I got more comfortable posting there.

I started this here fancy blog thing and really didn't expect anyone to read it. I especially never expected anyone to read it with any regularity. It was mostly a place to spew my random babbling. It has become so much more.

I consider you guys my friends. I consider you guys my confidants. I consider you guys my support system.

You're my lagniappe. Thank you.

You're my good thing for No Whining Wednesdays!

I'd also like to highlight a good deed (and there are actually MANY I'd like to draw attention to and I hope to do this every week) from a guy who makes me laugh & also gets me to say, "awwww" from time to time. He doesn't post often enough *cough*, but I figure he's probably pretty busy with training and with running a small zoo out of his home. If you have a moment or two, check out his blog (which, when he updates it *cough* is very entertaining) and read about his bike ride of 700 miles in 7 days! Wait, read that again - SEVEN HUNDRED MILES on a bike! I can't ride 700 miles in a CAR without whining about it! He's riding to raise funds to help folks with hemophilia. 700 miles! On a bike! His blog is called "My Taste in Wine Leans Towards Vodka" and it won't kill you to go read a few words and hopefully donate a few bucks to a very worthy cause.

Ok, so what do you guys have going on? Big plans for No Whining Wednesday? Do you even care that tomorrow is Wednesday? I want to hear about the good things in your lives! Seriously, even if it's relatively minor or seemingly insignificant. If it made you stop for even a few seconds and think, "oh hey, that's a good thing", then my evil plan worked. I'm gonna' be looking forward to Wednesday for the first time since LOST went on hiatus...Oh LOST, I miss you so much...luscious manlocks, dirty, dimpled Sawyer... wait, what? Sorry, distracted by thoughts of shirtless, wet, snarky Sawyer... wait, what?

Where were we? Oh yeah, please share your small victories, happy thoughts, compliments, successes, or a moment of gratitude. Happy Wednesday!


** It was like 4 months before I figured out that Ted Boynton, The Boozehound and socalledonlycousins was the same person. I'm wicked smaht!

And Yet Somehow the World Keeps on Spinning

I attended a funeral on the Internet today. For a woman I never met. For a woman who touched my life and the lives of hundreds (thousands?) of other people who never met her. She wasn’t a celebrity. She wasn’t famous. She was just a funny, smart, sassmouthed woman who was trying her best to raise her son, love her husband, be a good person and beat a deadly disease. She was an inspiration. I’m sorry that she’s gone and I’m sorry that her son will grow up without her there. I’m grateful that I got to “know” her for a short time.

I tried explaining this to my boss and to one of my friends. Neither got it. It should be said that neither judged me, but they didn’t understand. I probably wouldn’t have either if I didn’t “know” these wonderful, wonderful people. You, wonderful, wonderful people.

I’ve never been to a funeral/memorial service on the Internet before. It was cathartic. It was different and new, yet very familiar and intimate and sad all the same. The only difference was that I could cry openly and not have to put on my brave face. I felt like I was surrounded by friends and people who loved her and wanted to celebrate her life.

I didn’t know Amanda very well and won’t cheapen her memory by trying to pretend that we were friends. We weren’t. We were Facebook friends, for whatever that’s worth and I read her blog, but we didn’t exchange correspondence. However, her life and her passing affected me deeply. I’ve been grieving for her and her family all week. Knowing what lies ahead for her little boy. Knowing what it’s like to grow up without a mother and empathizing with how hard it must have been for her knowing that she had to leave him. She made a huge mark on this world. I hope her husband and son and parents are able to get some comfort from that someday. I hope her son will always know just how cool his mama was.

See ya' later, ‘Manda. You’re so cool. You’re so cool. You’re so cool.

It Turns Out I'm NOT Dying After All...

Ok, you guys, seriously, I've been a bit worried the last few days. For about 3 days now (this is the 4th day), I've had this horribly bitter taste in the back of my mouth after I eat or drink something. It's not there all the time, just when I'm eating and after I eat. At first I thought it was the new vitamins I was taking and I blew it off. The next morning though, my coffee tasted terribly bitter and I hadn't taken the vitamins yet. So, I was all, "hmmm, what's up with that?" Later, at work, I ate a container of yogurt. Well, that's not entirely true. I TRIED to eat the yogurt, but it was so freakin' nasty tasting I threw it away after 3 bites. I ate some blueberries instead. You should know, I love blueberries above all foods, with the possible exception of sweet potatoes, (FINE and ice cream. Shut-up, I'm pretending I'm healthy!) and they were disgusting and gross. I couldn't eat them. This made me super frowny because I LOVE them, but also because it's not blueberry season and those fuckers are expensive!

I'm trying to figure out why I have this awful taste in my mouth/throat and I made a comment to one of my hypochondriac co-workers. His reply - "Dude, sounds like you're having some liver problems." WHAT? What the fuckingwhatwhat? You're so not helpful!

And then, of course, now I'm all worried that I'm having some sort of liver problem. I keep looking in the mirror to see if my eyes are turning yellow or if my skin looks jaundiced. I'm not a doctor, but I've watched 'House' a lot, so I think I'm pretty qualified to make a diagnosis. Obviously.

Last night, I'm just going crazy because now ice cream tastes bad, too. HOW CAN THIS BE? Ice cream is a gift from the Godtopus; there's no way in hell it should ever taste bad. Unless you're dying. Now I'm getting concerned. Because first of all, I did A LOT of drugs in the 90's. It's entirely possible that I damaged my liver. But secondly and more importantly, if I'm dying, but ice cream and blueberries are going to taste bad up until my death, then fuck it, bring it on now. I'm not gonna' put up with that kind of asshattery nonsense until my inevitable demise. That's just crazy talk and I'm not a big enough trooper to go through that. I know my limitations.

Of course, I turned to the internet because you pretty much always want to self-diagnose major organ failure via the internet. So, I typed in the search words, "bitter taste in mouth when eating". The first few links to pop up -

Liver failure.
Super.

Brain tumor.
AWE-some.

Kidney disease.
Neato Bandito.

But wait, there was something else.

Bitter taste - pine nuts?

Hmmmm, interesting. I clicky the linky and there are literally hundreds, if not thousands, of people all over the world describing what I'm experiencing and all of them have one thing in common - pine nuts. And guess what I've been eating on everything I can get my fat little hands on? Guess! Wow, you kids are super good at this game - you're right! Pine nuts. I've been eating them in my hummus, on pizza, in my pasta salad, mixed with other nuts, and a handful here and there on their own.

According to the other people who are also not dying of liver failure, a couple of days after eating pine nuts, they have a bitter/metallic taste in the back of their mouths, like a dissolving aspirin taste, which keeps appearing when they eat. Nothing seems to make it much better and sweet things seem to make it much worse. Some of them have reported it to their doctors and the doctors have never heard of it and there's only one published medical article about it. But, Wikipedia has something about it, so that's something, I guess. It doesn't happen to everyone and the only semi-common link is that a lot of the pine nuts are from China, but there's no definitive answer as to why. Why it only affects some people and why it only happens sometimes.

Anyway, evidently for another week or two I'll have this yummy taste, which is kind of similar to what it would taste like if you brushed your teeth and then followed it with a big ol' honkin' glass of cranberry juice. Mmm mmm, good, right?

I just thought you'd all be thrilled to know that I'm not actually dying and some pine nuts are evil.

I'm probably still going to keep trying ice cream. It's for SCIENCE, ok? Geez.