Sunday, March 29, 2009

Decisions, Decisions...

I have nothing going on. Nothing to post about. BUT, I know that you guys are probably just dying to know what’s going on with me. I’m sure you’re furiously emailing each other going, “where’s Lainey? What’s she doing? What’s going on in her life? I NEED TO KNOW! I NEEEEEEEED TO KNOW, DAMMIT!”

Settle down, lovelies, it’s ok. Shhh, *stroking your hair* it’s ok. I’m here now.

I finally got my taste buds back. YAY. But now, because I simply cannot live without conflict and self-created drama, I can’t decide what to eat. This happens almost every day. I have too many choices. I will probably end up eating a handful of peanuts and microwave popcorn because I simply cannot choose between all of the wonderful food in my kitchen. Here are my choices:

Homemade chili and naan
Freakin’ AWESOME pasta salad with chicken
Chicken with mashed potatoes, cauliflower, asparagus and edemame
Chicken with sweet potatoes, cauliflower, and cranberry orange sauce
Turkey sausage & pierogies and applesauce
Spaghetti, garlic bread and salad
Eggs, turkey sausage, toast and half an orange and some blueberries
Leftover pizza
Grilled cheese, sweet potato fries and an apple
Shrimp, wild rice and asparagus
Crab legs, baked potato, cauliflower and edemame
Black bean soup and naan
Hard-boiled egg, string cheese, crackers, hummus, and an orange
Special K Blueberry cereal (which is good, but doesn’t taste like blueberries. Tastes like purple.)

PLUS, I can’t decide what to drink. Should I have Diet Coke with Splenda? Diet Barq’s? Orange juice? Grape juice? Lemonade? Diet Pepsi? Plain water? Protein water? AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGH! I could have had a V8!

My wee brain cannot make a decision. All of these delicious foods are in my refrigerator or pantry right now. It’s not a matter of which would take longer to make or what one is healthier than the other. I simply can’t decide. This happens almost every day. Seriously. It’s really bad. Sometimes, I just go to bed without eating because I literally can’t choose. And then sometimes, I just say, “fuck it” and go to Chipotle.

I have little doubt that you’re thinking, “You’re a dick. If this is your biggest problem in life, you need to shut the hell up. People are starving in other parts of the world.” I know. I realize how unbelievably lucky I am and I’m truly grateful. I don’t mean for this to come off as whining or “oh woe is me, I can’t decide what to shove in my fat little face today. Wahhhhhhhh!” I’m just putting it out there as more of an example of what a freak I am.

Also, I believe careful readers will notice that motherfucking pine nuts are not included in any of the above menu options. Fucking pine nuts.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

It Turns Out I'm NOT Dying After All...

Ok, you guys, seriously, I've been a bit worried the last few days. For about 3 days now (this is the 4th day), I've had this horribly bitter taste in the back of my mouth after I eat or drink something. It's not there all the time, just when I'm eating and after I eat. At first I thought it was the new vitamins I was taking and I blew it off. The next morning though, my coffee tasted terribly bitter and I hadn't taken the vitamins yet. So, I was all, "hmmm, what's up with that?" Later, at work, I ate a container of yogurt. Well, that's not entirely true. I TRIED to eat the yogurt, but it was so freakin' nasty tasting I threw it away after 3 bites. I ate some blueberries instead. You should know, I love blueberries above all foods, with the possible exception of sweet potatoes, (FINE and ice cream. Shut-up, I'm pretending I'm healthy!) and they were disgusting and gross. I couldn't eat them. This made me super frowny because I LOVE them, but also because it's not blueberry season and those fuckers are expensive!

I'm trying to figure out why I have this awful taste in my mouth/throat and I made a comment to one of my hypochondriac co-workers. His reply - "Dude, sounds like you're having some liver problems." WHAT? What the fuckingwhatwhat? You're so not helpful!

And then, of course, now I'm all worried that I'm having some sort of liver problem. I keep looking in the mirror to see if my eyes are turning yellow or if my skin looks jaundiced. I'm not a doctor, but I've watched 'House' a lot, so I think I'm pretty qualified to make a diagnosis. Obviously.

Last night, I'm just going crazy because now ice cream tastes bad, too. HOW CAN THIS BE? Ice cream is a gift from the Godtopus; there's no way in hell it should ever taste bad. Unless you're dying. Now I'm getting concerned. Because first of all, I did A LOT of drugs in the 90's. It's entirely possible that I damaged my liver. But secondly and more importantly, if I'm dying, but ice cream and blueberries are going to taste bad up until my death, then fuck it, bring it on now. I'm not gonna' put up with that kind of asshattery nonsense until my inevitable demise. That's just crazy talk and I'm not a big enough trooper to go through that. I know my limitations.

Of course, I turned to the internet because you pretty much always want to self-diagnose major organ failure via the internet. So, I typed in the search words, "bitter taste in mouth when eating". The first few links to pop up -

Liver failure.

Brain tumor.

Kidney disease.
Neato Bandito.

But wait, there was something else.

Bitter taste - pine nuts?

Hmmmm, interesting. I clicky the linky and there are literally hundreds, if not thousands, of people all over the world describing what I'm experiencing and all of them have one thing in common - pine nuts. And guess what I've been eating on everything I can get my fat little hands on? Guess! Wow, you kids are super good at this game - you're right! Pine nuts. I've been eating them in my hummus, on pizza, in my pasta salad, mixed with other nuts, and a handful here and there on their own.

According to the other people who are also not dying of liver failure, a couple of days after eating pine nuts, they have a bitter/metallic taste in the back of their mouths, like a dissolving aspirin taste, which keeps appearing when they eat. Nothing seems to make it much better and sweet things seem to make it much worse. Some of them have reported it to their doctors and the doctors have never heard of it and there's only one published medical article about it. But, Wikipedia has something about it, so that's something, I guess. It doesn't happen to everyone and the only semi-common link is that a lot of the pine nuts are from China, but there's no definitive answer as to why. Why it only affects some people and why it only happens sometimes.

Anyway, evidently for another week or two I'll have this yummy taste, which is kind of similar to what it would taste like if you brushed your teeth and then followed it with a big ol' honkin' glass of cranberry juice. Mmm mmm, good, right?

I just thought you'd all be thrilled to know that I'm not actually dying and some pine nuts are evil.

I'm probably still going to keep trying ice cream. It's for SCIENCE, ok? Geez.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Karma Isn't Always a Bitch

About 10 years ago, things were not going well for me. I got sick. I left my job. My boyfriend was married, but somehow forgot to mention that tiny detail to me. I was alone and depressed and feeling very sorry for myself. This sounds like a Country & Western song, but I promise it isn’t. I found a new job and things were turning around, but I wasn’t going to get my first paycheck for a while.

A friend loaned me $200. I told her I didn’t know when I could pay her back, but I would as soon as I was able to. She told me not to. She said that someday I would be in a position to help someone else out and I should give the money to him or her. This stuck with me for so long because it was just really, really, kind, but also because she didn’t have an extra $200 to give to me. She was living paycheck to paycheck and had recently been living in her car. I asked her how she could do this and she told me that when she needed it, someone helped her and asked her to do the same when she could.

There’s a non-profit organization that does stuff like this every day. Modest Needs helps people who need urgent assistance to make it until the next paycheck and before they get sucked into the cycle of the vile Cash and Go loan sharks or government assistance/dependence.

I’m posting this for two reasons. The first is that you may be in a position to help. If you’re looking for a charity organization that helps people who need unexpected, but basic things like to replace a dead car battery or glasses because they broke the pair they’ve been wearing for 10 years and don’t have any extra money in their budget to have them fixed. Or to help someone pay for the vet bill because their dog had a tumor which needed to be removed.

The second reason is that you may need help or know someone else who does. It’s a good place to start. Modest Needs won’t just give someone money, but will help with an unforeseen expense and will issue a check directly to the vendor. It won’t take away all their problems or make them rich, but it may help them sleep a bit better without worrying how they’re going to fix the broken water heater or pay that delinquent medical bill.

I urge you to check them out, particularly the “thank you” page.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Lazy, Lazy, Lazy, Lazy, Lazy, Lazy, Lainey...


Do you guys remember that Shel Silverstein poem? My name should have been Jane.

I may have outlazied myself tonight. I needed to iron the sleeves and collar of the blouse I plan to wear tomorrow. I tried spraying them with water and smoothing them out, but that didn't seem to help. I looked through the closet for a sweater to wear over it, but that didn't work out so well. So, rather than just get out the ironing board, I attempted to iron the sleeves on the lid of my toilet. It worked okaaay, not great. I don't know that it was worth the hassle and it probably would have been less energy and time expended if I'd have just set up the damn ironing board in the first place. *sigh* Live and learn. Live and learn.

So, this made me curious. What's the laziest thing you've ever done? I'd like to make a contest out of it. There probably won't be a prize or anything, because hello? Lazy. But, I'd really like to a) feel slightly better about myself and b) pick up some useful tips to supplement my laziness.

I'll throw one out that isn't mine. My friend Ann MaRetard once dressed her infant in layers. She reasoned that this way, when the baby urped throughout the day, she could just remove a layer of clothing rather than redressing the kid several times. I thought it was brilliant. Her husband wasn't as impressed.

Ok - GO! Dazzle me!

Monday, March 2, 2009

Next I'll Be Writing About Ben Gay...

So, today I'm all sore. Sore and bruised.

And NO, it's not 'cause I'm a big ol' slutty hoo-er. I AM a big ol' slutty hoo-er, but I'm sore and bruised because I am a spaz.

Last night, in an effort to be lazier than lazy, I tried to reach something in the back of my refrigerator. Instead of simply removing the items in the front and then getting what I wanted from the back, I tried to finagle and maneuver around the shit in the front and in the process knocked a giant jar of apricot jam off the shelf and onto the top of my foot. And now the top of my tiny foot and the base of my big toe (which, by the way, is a misnomer; my big toe is actually wee) have this lovely dark purple bruise and it really rather hurts. Not bad enough to go have it x-rayed (x-ray'd? x-rayd? x-rayed {no, Microsoft Word, not x-rated, but thanks for the help!}), but enough for me to whine about it like a giant baby.

Oh and I am sore and bruised from being a Trampy Von Trollopstein. Helpful tip for all you ladies out there (and Jeremy). Stubble burn hurts. Whether it's on your face or elsewhere. You know what helps? Preparation H. Swear to God. Makes the burn and swelling go away like instantly. So, if your gentleman caller friend has a bit of stubble and your delicate bits are irritated, you can just fix it in a jiffy. (Helps with your own special valley razor burn, too.) You'll smell like an old lady with hemorrhoids, BUT, you'll feel better.

You're welcome.