Things That Are Bothering Me TODAY

• Having to clean ALL of the things when I feel like I JUST cleaned ALL of the things when I MOVED ALL of the things.  There should be a free pass for 90 days after that.
• Dropping my toast on my new couch - butter-side down.
• Anyone who says I shouldn't be eating toast on my new couch.
• Emails from people telling me they miss me, but those same people never being particularly engaged in talking to me when I'm around.
• Blogger REFUSING to go to the next line when I hit "enter" and making me MANUALLY drop to the next line.  
• Lying down too quickly and smooshing my boobs.
• Cat hair.
• Guys who send me emails from the personals thing that just say, "Hey - how you doing?"  I'm fine.  REALLY, that's what you came up with as an opening?  Go sit down.  Oh and part two of this?  You don't have to be a good speller anymore, that's why Al Gore invented Spellchecker.  Use it for fuck's sake.
• The cat who REFUSES to sit on the window perch that I bought and installed for her and instead lays on the bathroom floor.  Jerk.
• Amazing sex dreams in the morning that won't get out of your head for the rest of the day.
• Humidity making my hair look like Roseanne Rosannadanna.
• Having to look up how to spell Roseanne Rosannadanna.
• People who are too young to know who Roseanne Rosannadanna is.
• Hot guys who are too young for me.
• Hot guys who are too married for me.
• Hot weather that is too hot for me.
• LeBron James.

Pine FuckNuttery Part 2

Dammit.  Remember this?  So, I decided to try pine nuts again, thinking that maybe my reaction last time was because of a bad batch or specific to a particular type of pine nut.  This time I bought the teeny, tiny, wee pine nuts, as opposed to the big, torpedo-shaped ones like last time.  I thought they would be good with brussel sprouts.  I THOUGHT they'd be a nummy treat after not having had them for a year.  Why did I think this?  Because I am teh dumb.

Yuck.  Food is gross again.  And you wanna' know the REALLY sucky part?  I just bought the tastiest, sweetest, most flavorful blueberries (Chilean, natch) I've ever eaten and now they taste like battery acid.  (Ok, well, I'm guessing on that.  I've never actually had battery acid, so who knows, maybe it tastes delightful?)  Just like before, sweets and bread taste the blechiest, so maybe that's a good thing.  Maybe I'll lose a few ounces. 

Luckily, this time I only ate a few, because I wanted to see if I'd tolerate them.  I'm hoping maybe that means I won't have this nasty bitter taste for as long as last time.

Oh and not related to anything above - I taught Willow to come when I call her by using a hand command.  How cool is that?  She still ignores me about 50% of the time, because she IS a cat and they are hateful, little things, but the rest of the time, she actually responds.  She also sits for treats.  If I can just get her to stop whining at me from across the room, she'll be my favorite cat EVER.  (Shhh, don't tell her, but she already is my favorite cat ever.  Shhhhh, she'll get all cocky and shit if she knows this.)

So, I haven't talked to you kids for a while.  What's going on with you?  Any news?  OH and don't freak out or anything, but I'm probably going to post another entry tomorrow - TWO days in a row!  Can you even stand the excitement?

Baby Got Back...

So, yeah, I understand that diet and exercise are the way to lose weight and get in shape.  However, I also understand that I'm lazier than shit and I'm not so good at monitoring my own diet if my pants size is any indicator.

I've always been curvy, but not fat - I'd say, "thick" or "chunky" (Mmmm, like salsa!), until I quit smoking a few years ago.  I've gained 30 pounds and I just seem to keep adding to it.  I've done Weight Watchers and been REALLY dedicated to it, but didn't lose more than 5 - 10 pounds.  My doctor prescribed diet pills (SPEED - WOOHOO!) and not only did I feel like *ass*, I only lost a few pounds and gained it back as soon as I went off of them.  I used to exercise with the ex, but he was in fantastic shape and I couldn't keep up, so I'd get frustrated and stop.  I have a WiiFit and I'm really trying to make myself use it with regularity, but so far, I can't seem to make myself use it even though I enjoy the hell out of it while I'm playing.

I'm a few months shy of turning 40.  My father's heart attack kind of scared me and made me reexamine my own lard-lined arteries.  I'm single and haven't been on a date date in several years because I have a hard time trying to date when I feel like a whale and I'm a tiny, little petite chick, so that much extra weight makes me look as wide as I am tall.   I need to lose about 30 - 40 pounds and I need to do something that shows some results or I'll give up and quit trying.  (Yes, I realize that I'm an assy baby about this, I'm just trying to be honest with myself and with you and despite wanting to NOT be an assy baby, I know my limitations.)

Yes, I talk about waffles all the time, but seriously, I really don't eat them that often and I'm not even lying when I say I eat relatively healthfully (I LOVE vegetables and fruit and recently I don't seem to really like meat, so I don't eat hamburgers, hot dogs or sausage), I only eat fast food maybe twice a month and I don't drink sugar soda.  My biggest problems seem to be that I fail at packing my lunch for work and then eat whatever is closest; I eat late at night, since I tend to not go to bed until 1:00 AM; and I am a huge fan of butter, cheese, and anything with the word "cake" in it.  I think I could possibly benefit from a restrictive & strict diet that's pre-packaged and is planned for me.

Now that I've rambled on (too bad excessive typing doesn't burn significant calories), here's my question to you:  I'm seriously considering joining Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, or Chefs Diet (which is sort of like The Zone food delivery service, except not the REALLY good shit that rich people and celebrities get).  These are all fairly expensive and I will be a bitter, bitter bunny if the food tastes, looks or smells like barf.  Have any of you tried any of those programs or known anyone who has?  Were they/you successful in the weight loss?  Was the food edible?  Would it work for a picky eater?  Did the weight come back after going off the program? 

Any feedback is GREATLY appreciated!

My Heart Is Filled With Glee...

And my head is filled with snot!  (No, you would not be wrong in thinking that I am klass-ay.)

Ok, so I've been Sicky McGee for the last week and I'm about tired of it.  But, that's not what this is about.  It's about how awesome my friends are.  I didn't go to work on Thursday or Friday and I was stressing HARD, because Thursday was the Employee Appreciation luncheon and I felt *awful* for leaving Dana alone to handle it all.  She took it amazingly well.  Way better than I would have, I'm sure.  In addition to being super nice to me about ditching her, she sent a care package home to me.  My lovely friend Angel-ica called me around 3:00 and asked if she could stop by after work to drop off something.  I said sure, because I was half asleep when she called and honestly, I would have agreed to a sack of angry badgers almost anything just to go back to dreamland where my throat & lungs weren't on fire.

She showed up with a GIANT care package from Dana of cheesy potatoes, chicken, a caramel apple, 3 cookies and a card.  Ang also brought me veg-e-table soup & french fries from my favorite fast food place, AND she brought me a cd she made with the songs from Glee!  It's so awesome to listen to Finn & Rachel sing their little hearts out to "Don't Stop Believing" and "No Air" and Mr. Shu and the Acafellas singing "Poison" (Never trust a big butt and a smile...)  As crappy as I've felt, I can't help but smile when I listen to it.  Also, the kid who plays Finn is 27 and therefore not a kid kid, so it's totally acceptable for me to have dirty, nasty, whorish thoughts about him....I'm just sayin'.

Friday, my neighbor Heather sent me a text asking if I was ok.  A few hours later she sent me another text telling me to check my door.  She hung a bag on my doorknob with Puffs w/ Lotion, Nyquil, Dayquil and Hall's cherry cough drops.  Aww, how sweet!  Then, about an hour after that my doorbell rang.  My boss sent me flowers to thank me for working on Employee Appreciation Week.  Nice, right?  Oh and so, remember how I said that only 11 employees would appreciate our efforts?  Well, I was wrong.  I got FOURTEEN emails saying thanks!  Ha.  Suck it...um, self!  And I would have been sad and sick if it weren't for my lovely (and weird) Pajiba/Facebook friends who kept me company while I was home and made me laugh.  Thanks, kids!

And this is completely not related to anything above, but it makes me enormously happy - my Denver Broncos are 6 and 0!! 

Ok, sorry, back to other non-sports stuff.  What do you kids have going on?  Fun stuff?  Happy stuff?  Are you planning any Halloweeny stuff?  I hope you're all well and have a happy No Whining Wednesday!

The World's Second Smallest Violin...

The world's smallest violin actually belongs to a co-worker.  She has a "bad" day, every day.  Seriously, how do you have a bad day every day?  If every day is bad, you're doing it wrong. 


All that aside, I'm about to bow the strings of my runner-up, wee violin.  Tomorrow is No Whining Wednesday and yet, all I can do is whine.  All I want to do is whine  Whining just sounds SO good right now.

I feel that I may be coming down with bronchitis.  I'm actually certain of it.  When I smoked, I used to get it every year and it suh-hucked!  Since I quit, almost 3 years ago, I haven't gotten sick, but I recognize that burn in my chest;   that scratchy burn in my throat that spreads down to my lungs.  Ugh.  So, yeah, not that there's ever really a good time to get sick, but now is the opposite of a good time. 

 - Job Fair with Stupid Thirteen (I've expanded her name) all day on Wednesday.  I have to talk to people and smile and be friendly.  I have to coax people to talk and I have to talk loudly over the din of the crowded room.  Army Douche better not be there, that's all I'm gonna' say about that.

 - After the job fair, I'm meeting with the HR ladies I befriended.  We've already postponed our get-together twice now, so I'd feel really sucky if I had to reschedule it again, but the idea of talking to job seekers and Stupid Thirteen all day and then going out to talk about work for another couple of hours just fills me with dread.

- Thursday we're bringing in lunch and serving it to our staff as part of Employee Appreciation Week.  I just don't think my hacking and throat clearing is going to be appetizing for 300+ employees trying to eat their food.

 - The Vice President offered my services to one of the Vice Presidents in the Denver office (because he doesn't have an assistant  - I don't know why, I only know that he should have one) to help him edit his budget presentation.  I helped our VP with his and I'm certain it's karma's way of teaching me a lesson because, you guys, I totally gloated about red-lining his presentation on Facebook.  Now, I'm paying for it.  In addition to being out of the office for a full day and then doing employee relations shit all week and OH YEAH, heading that damned committee that he assigned me to a couple of weeks ago, what I really need is to get loaned out to another executive.   

 - Angel-ica and I are supposed to get together this weekend to play with the Wii Sports Resort and maybe watch Drag Me to Hell, but unless I can do this while laying in bed, doped up on antibiotics and cough syrup with codeine, this doesn't sound the least bit appealing to me.

- And FINALLY, my sexyfuntime friend is back in town next week and DAMMIT, I was looking forward to making the sessy with him and generally not coughing up phlegm globs while he's ripping my clothes o.... ahem...I mean, while we're playing a rousing game of Yahtzee!  Naked!  We've been sending dirty, sessy texts and emails for the past week in anticipation of seeing each other & now instead, the only thing I want in my mouth is a lozenge.  Yeah, I just said that, 'cause I'm a filthy hoo-er.

So, now I need you guys.  At the risk of sounding even more obnoxiously dorky than I normally sound, I need your positive energy today to be my "medicine" (or I'll take codeine cough syrup if you have that instead).  What good things are going on with you?  How's your life?

OMG Update to the Update!

I just got back from visiting my dad and my cousin Bethann was there. Beth seems to have skipped the section on “appropriate conversation”. Lainey Fun Fact #3 – I am not in the least bit prudish. In fact, it’s entirely possible that I fall more on the whorish side of the line than the other. I say this not because I’m proud of being a big ol’ slut (I AM, but that’s not what this is about), but to make sure you understand that I’m neither priggish nor easily shocked.

My dad, Beth and I were in the family room watching the game. It’s nearing halftime and Beth says to me, “so, are you dating anyone?” I said “no, not really. I’ve gone out on a couple of dates since Michael and I split up, but nothing big.” Then she said, “Yeah, after my divorce, it was really weird going out with new men. Every time you’d start screwing around, it would get weird. We weren’t raised to be so free with the blowjobs, you know?”

True, we grew up when oral sex was something you did WAAAY after you’d been with someone for a while. It wasn’t an appetizer like it is now, but still, is it necessary to have this discussion right this very minute?

Then, she yells (because as previously mentioned, no one in her family talks at a normal volume) to my father, her 63-year-old uncle and says,

“Uncle Denny? What is up with guys and skull fucking? Does it really feel better or is it a power thing? What’s your opinion?”

OHMYHOLYFUCKINGGOD!!

She did NOT just ask my father, in front of me, what his opinion on *skull fucking* is?!?

She is either an evil genius and messing with me for sport or she is truly one of the most inappropriate people I’ve ever known. I’m leaning more toward the second one only because no one would ever call Beth a genius. Evil, maybe. Genius, umm, no.

When people ask me why I don’t really enjoy spending time with my family, I think I may just drop this little gem on them.