Cost Effective AND Good for the Environment!

You guys, this week?  Holy balls.  This week has kicked me in the teeth and almost reduced me to tears a couple of times.  It's INSANE the amount of crap that's going on at work and people have done lost their damn minds!  Ohmylord.  But anyway, this isn't about that.  This entry is not a "woe is me, my job is *hard*" post.  This entry is all about the GEM I found today when emptying the Suggestion Box (Which seriously, really needs a new name. Rarely, if ever, have I had a legitimate and cost-effective/helpful suggestion come from it. In fact, truth be told, I fucking hate the Suggestion Box and think it's worthless and encourages stupidity.  One of the first "Suggestions" [Yes, it needs quotes] was for the company to pump pure oxygen in through the air vents, so the employees would be more alert and productive.  Hand to God.  Actual "Suggestion".). 

However, I want to find this person and ask them to be my new BFF.

Haa, A-MEN, my red pen-loving friend.  A-fucking-men!

Reason #432 Why I'll Never Be an Executive

The VP was in my office today.  No big, he's in my office a lot.  Usually, he's standing across from me (probably looking at my boobs - he seriously has an issue with the obvious boob-looking). Today he was standing behind my desk with me looking at something (that miraculously wasn't Facebook) on my computer.

Him:  What the hell is that?

Me:  What?

Him:  That - there.

Me:  A unicorn stabbing a mime.

Him:  In a Zen garden?

Me:  It's relaxing.

Him walking out the door and shaking his head...

Me:  It's RELAXING!

I Am Goophy!

Once again, I got nothing.  SO, because you're obviously *very* lucky, I'm going to post the silly email exchange I had with Meg.  It made me giggle like a phool!  I am very easily amused.  Obviously.
at 12:55 PM, Meg wrote:

i had the pho and now i am phull.

Lainey:
Ha!  You are phunny!

Meg:

are you not online anymore?
motherphucker.

Lainey:
I'm on a conf. call w/ a presentation on my computer.
DAMMIT - con-phurance call!

Meg:

phreak.

Lainey:
Are you phrustrated?

Meg:

phurious

Lainey:
Don't de-phriend me!

Meg:

Don't phool yourself. There's a definite phinality about this. 

Lainey:
 I'm sorry - I don't want to piss you oph.  Especially on a Phriday!

Lainey:
PHINE, just stop.  I wasn't phinished.  Phlake.

Meg:

woah. Phor phuck's sake, girlphriend. Calm yourselph. No phreak outs on a phriday, got it?

Lainey:
I've had a lot of capheine!  Sometimes I phorget to philter myselph!

 Meg:

I'd eat my phoot for a phrappucino right about now.

Lainey:
This is making me laph phar too much!

Meg:

Don't.  Your ass will get phired.

Seriously, SO dumb.  Giggled like an idiot.  This is why I make the big bucks.

I Wasn't SLACKING, I Was BUSY!

 

 

So, there's this boy (although, maybe he would rather be called a man...)  Ok, so, there's this MAN and I'm maybe kinda' sorta' smitten with him and I *think* he's a little sweet on me, too.  Well, if he's not, he spends an awful damn lot of time on the phone with me when he could be doing ANYTHING else (seriously, y'all, contrary to what I'm SURE you're thinking, I am not really all that fascinating to talk to.  I know, shocking!).   He's SUPER smart and funny and sweet and I just really enjoy getting to know him.  My days are way more fun (and way less productive - sorry, boss!) and my nights are filled with entertaining conversations and lots of giggling.  Unfortunately, we don't live in the same place, so our time together is limited to gmail and the phone, but it's nice because we're actually having some good talks instead of just having the non-stop sex.  Please don't misunderstand, I'm not OPPOSED to the non-stop sex, but I'm also loving the extended foreplay of hearing his slight, little southern accent talk about my thiiighs...  Oh and also talking about politics, child-rearing, Oxford Commas, work, religion, and other hot-button topics on which we actually mostly agree (much to my surprise, frankly).

I'm not prepared to really talk about details, but I needed to say something, because I haven't had the flutterflies in a long time and it's awfully fun.  I forgot what it was like.

And now that I've rambled on and on, how are you?  Ready for Christmas?  Anything fun YOU want to talk about?

Happy No Whining Wednesday (late, but it's 11:59, so still totally counts) and a very Merry Christmas to you and yours!

Special Little Snowflakes

This may be rambling and incoherent - I'll do my best to stay on topic and to self-edit.

Usually around Christmas everyone wants to take vacation time, but the office still needs to be staffed, so they limit the number of people who can be off at the same time.  A couple of years ago our senior management team made the decision to let employees who worked on Christmas Eve day leave 2 hours earlier than the end of their scheduled shift and get paid for those 2 hours.  It was a perk for the employees who had to come in that day.  If you took a vacation day on Christmas Eve, however, you had to use 8 hours of PTO.

This year, our senior management team made the decision to close the office at 12:00 on Christmas Eve.  They also decided it was dumb to limit the amount of people who could have the day off, since most of the companies or agencies we do business with are closed or are short-staffed also.  Additionally, for reasons I still don't understand, they've also decided to pay everyone for 4 hours, whether they work or not.  So, basically, if you choose to take the day off, you can and you only have to use 4 hours of PTO and the Company will pay for the other 4 hours to give you a full day's pay.  If you don't have any PTO and you choose to work that day, you only have to work 4 hours and the company will pay you for a full 8-hour day.  Sounds great, right?  Yeah, not to everyone, apparently...

One of our Special Little Snowflakes has decided that this is somehow unfair.  In the past, the extra 2 hours of pay was a REWARD for coming in and working, but NOW the Company is going to pay EVERYONE 4 hours whether they work or not and to her, that's not fair!  It's not fair that if she comes in to work, someone who chooses to take off that day still gets the same benefit she gets.  She's, in her words, "being PENALIZED" for coming in and working. 

Wait, what?  Seriously?  Yeah, she's in a snit because everyone gets 4 hours paid and she's evidently pissed because she gets paid for an additional 2 hours and has to work 2 hours LESS than in previous years...let that sink in.  She's mad and thinks it's unfair because why should EVERYONE get this "perk"?  What the fuck is wrong with you?   I don't understand this logic.  Can someone please explain this to me?   Also, can someone explain the word "penalize" to her, because I don't think it means what she thinks it means.

OK, fine, so she's just some random malcontent - EXCEPT, no, she's posted this all over her Facebook page and because she's a goddamned genius, she's "friended" her supervisor, who then brings it to HR, because now it's a "morale issue".  Wait, back up.  The Company is paying employees to not  work or to be at work for half a day and somehow we have a morale problem because of this?  I swear don't understand.  Am I being dense?  Can someone PLEASE explain this to me?

Umm, Hey There Wednesday...

Noooo, I totally didn't forget you!  How could you think such a thing?

(Pssst, you guys, I totally forgot about Wednesday!)

I didn't write up anything last night, like I normally do, and I will be going out after work to meet up with the HR ladies, so I won't be able to do it later.  So, yeah, um, I'm at work, not having Veteran's Day off, because my company *obviously* hates America and trying to write a blog post while I'm trying to pretend to do work and not get fired, so you guys are kind of on your own today.  Talk amongst yourselves. 

Here are a few good things going on with me, so there's NO whining from this lady today!

• I made a giant pot of chili, so I have leftovers for days - awesome!  I also made a spaghetti squish, so that'll feed me with chicken or with vegetables or in Chinese food or just a bowl of squish!  I don't remember if I posted it here or if it was on Facebook, but I told Cindy to nuke the spaghetti squash for a few minutes to make it easier to cut - yeah, don't do that.  I've done it that way a couple of times and it makes it kinda' mushy/slimyish.  I recommend doing it the old fashioned way and risking loss of fingers and/or hands by trying to cut the damn, hard thing. It'll make you appreciate it more if you have to bleed work for it.  This is one time the internet wasn't helpful for me.
  

•  GLEE! is back on tonight!  Oh Finn and Puck, how I love your pretty faces and voices.  Glee, glee, glee, GLEE!!!
  

•  Every time I walk by my living room I see the beautiful, fuzzy, warm blanket (infused with LOVE) that Sarina made 'specially for me and it makes me all gooey and happy & I have to stop and pet it.  For real, you guys, I don't know if you understand how much this blanket means to me.  Sarina does NOT enjoy working and she did actual WORK on this blanket.  I loves it!
  

•  And finally, one of my employees has to get rabies shots because a raccoon sneaked into her house through the roof and she woke up with its PAW IN HER MOUTH!!!  So, I think that all things considered, I have nothing to complain about and frankly, neither do any of you unless YOU woke up with a raccoon's PAW IN YOUR MOUTH!

So, other than that whole raccoon thing, what other good stuff do you guys have  going on?  Anything you're excited about or looking forward to?  Any stories about waking up with things in your mouth? 

Happy No Whining Wednesday!!

Conversations With My Father...

This happened today.

Dad:  Sorry to bother you at work; I know you're busy.

Me:   Not really.  Just dicking around on Facebook at the moment.

Dad:  What's a facebook?

Me:   You know what?  Doesn't matter.  What's up?

Dad:  Do I have an email?

Me:   Um, no.

Dad:  Why not?

Me:   You don't have a computer.

Dad:  You have to have a computer to have the email?

Me:   No, but you can't read the email without a computer or on your phone.

Dad:  If I had an email would it just be "Denny at the internet dot com"?

Me:   No.  No, it would not.

Dad:  Why not?

Me:   Dad, do you think you're the only Denny in the world?

Dad:  Well, no shit, obviously, it would be "Denny Bobainey* at the internet dot com".

Me:  Obviously.

Dad:  So, can you make me an email and if I tell someone to send me something, do I tell them "Denny Bobainey at the internet dot com"?

Me:   No.  Dad.... I can create an email address for you, but why don't you just have them send it to my email address and I'll print it for you?

Dad:  Because.  Just make me that email.

Me:   Ok, whatever.  Are you waiting for something, 'cause that's not a real email address.

Dad:  Well, it will be when you make it.

Me:   No, Dad...it doesn't really work that way. 

Dad:  Why not?  How many Denny Bobaineys can there be?

Me:   It's not a valid address - there is no such thing as "at the internet dot com", but even if there was, let's just say there was, I have no idea how many Denny Bobaineys there are in the world and also, your  name doesn't even have to actually be Denny Bobainey to use it.

Dad:  What?  You mean Dick McDickface, down the street, can use my name for his internet if he wants?

Me:  Well, yes, but if his name's Dick McDickface, I don't know why he'd want your name.  His name is AWESOME.

Dad:  No, seriously, anyone can use my name and pretend to be me?

Me:  Well, kind of. 

Dad: Well, that's some bullshit right there.

Me:  Maybe you should write to the president and tell him that.

Dad:  I CAN'T - I don't have an EMAIL and even if I did, how would the president really know it was me?

Me:   I don't know.  I'll have to think about that and get back to you.


20 seconds later the phone rings:

Dad:  Is Facebook that internet yearbook thing?

Me:   Kinda', yeah, it kind of is.

Dad:  Look on there and see if anyone's pretending to be me!

And scene!


*Not his real name.  Please don't try to impersonate him on the internets or try to steal his Social Security Checks.

Time to Put on My Big Girl Panties

No, this isn't about how I'm gaining weight (although, if I keep buying caramel apples and banana cake & pretending they count as a fruit, then my ballooning weight might be the next entry), it's about me needing to "man up" and get through tomorrow morning and the next few weeks.

My office crush resigned.  Yesterday, you'll remember, was No Whining Wednesday, so even though this happened at 10:00, I kept my mouth shut (except for a couple of strongly worded emails to Sarina) about it.  It would be sad if he was just my crush, but he's more.  In the last year, he's become my friend.  He's one of the VERY few people I can talk to and in whom I can confide at work.  I can be myself around him and not some robotic HR version of myself.  And, I think, he can be himself around me.  We camp out in each others offices when shit's going down and we've had it with the staff.  On Friday afternoons, we eat chocolate and surf the internet shopping for Movado watches, (which, OMG, do I want one SOOOOO badly [wait, for real, is it 'badly' or 'bad'?  Why can I never remember the rules for adverbs?] but yeah, I can't drop $800 on a watch, but ohhh, so shiny!) and bitch about the retarded decisions the senior executives are making.  I can call him anytime and say, "Got a minute?" and if he's not in a meeting or on a conference call, he says, "Sure, come on up.  Bring chocolate."  Or he'll get finished with a particularly aggravating meeting and he'll come to my office, quietly close the door, sit down in the visitor chair and exclaim (in a loud whisper), "FUCKING IDIOT COCKSUCKERS" and then stand up, nod at me, smile and leave the room.  We get each other.  That's not easy in my position or in his because we always have to be on our best behavior and you never really know who you can trust & a lot of people in upper management are arrogant jerks.  I've trusted him since the "Peanu(t)s" incident, I guess, and he's trusted me since the first time he lost his temper about an employee and dropped the F-Bomb and instead of looking shocked or admonishing him, I laughed. 

So anyway, I've known about it since yesterday, but wasn't allowed to discuss it with anyone until today and that blew!  So when the supervisor called me this morning at 9:03, crying , I started crying and it was just a big ol' crying thing, off and on, for most of the day.  Because, in addition to being all kinds of adorable, he's good at his job and replacing him is going to SUH-HUCK and his supervisor is going to have to pick up the slack until a new director is hired and is up to speed. It's a lot of work. 

The staff will be told tomorrow morning and I have to go sit there, stoicly, and be the "HR Presence" when it's announced and I can't cry or even register any emotion.  My stupid, little, asshole heart is being ripped out right now because I will miss him so much.  With him and Jackie both gone, I have no one at work that I can really talk to.  No one I can be my obnoxious, snarky, sarcastic self with.  I can't talk to anyone when my boss declares that she can't decide who she loves more: Nickelback or Creed...I mean COME ON, I need to be able to laugh with someone about that shit, right? 

This was pretty long and rambling and it really boils down to me being a big, whiny, baby, but I needed to get it out.  It's been eating at my insides and I thought maybe if I got it out, it would be easier to sit impassively at the meeting tomorrow.  If you've read this far and haven't made the "L" for loser sign with your thumb and forefinger, you're a peach.  Thanks for that!

So, in conclusion, do any of you know a cute guy with a Master's Degree in Finance who's looking for a job? 

09/09/09

 

Happy No Whining Wednesday, y'all!

I don't have much to add to this week's entry, but I'm going to dig deep and come up with something.

1)  My skin is really soft right now.  I have no idea why, but I like it and I keep petting my face.

2)  My inappropriate crush on one of the Directors at work is now shared by one of his subordinates!  It's so awesome.  She's the supervisor for his department and we act like dorky, giggly 16-year-olds; calling each other in the morning, "Have you seen him today?" "YES, he looks so adorable!  He's wearing your favorite shirt." "OMG, teeheehee!"  And then I find a reason to go upstairs to her office so we can casually stroll by his office to say "hi".  Yep, I'm a spaz and I don't really care.  It's amusing as hell and the supervisor and I are having a ball acting like moron teenagers.  I'm fairly certain that this will be HILARIOUS when I'm packing my personal belongings in a box and being escorted out of the building...

3)  The President of the United States addressed school children today and I have yet to see a parade of zombified, Commie kids roaming the street attempting to round up Death Panels to kill all the old people - ooh, like "Children of the Corn"!  OUTLANDERS!!  So, yeah, I think that's something good, right?  I mean, think of the HORRORS that could have occurred from THE PRESIDENT addressing innocent schoolchildren and encouraging them to stay in school, work hard and take personal responsibility for their successes and failures.  Oh no, just IMAGINE the horror!!!  Holy balls people are retarded.  

(Ok, so that last one wasn't really a No Whining Wednesday thing, but it needed to be said and it's my blog, so fuck it, I said it.)

4)  Blogger has a new editor, so I can write in red and I can cross out strikethrough and write really big or really small and I can change the font to different styles now.  There are no limits to the AWESOME things I can do ... but, yeah, I'll probably still write in the default style with bold and italics and *s because I'm very lazy and I don't really embrace change.

What's going on with you guys?  Anything new and fun?  Anything sorta boring, but not sucky?  Anything?  Anyone?  Don't be shy! 

I Should Have Been a Pre-School Teacher...

An employee, in her late 20's/early 30's sent me an email this morning. It read, "I know you're very busy and there's a lot going on, but can I please come down and talk to you? It's not urgent, but it's pretty important." I told her to come down. This is what she said:

Employee: There's a girl in my department who calls me a nickname and *sniff*, I don't know what to dooooooo!

Me: What does she call you?

Emp: Queen Bee

Me: Ok, have you asked her to stop?

Emp: *crying* Nuuhh-uu-hh

Me: Ok. Have you thought about just asking her to not call you that?

Emp: *sniffle* Yes, but I didn't want her to be mad at me. *snuffle* I don't want to cause any problems or anything.

Me: Ok, hmm. Does she say it in a mean way? I mean, does she have an aggressive tone of voice or expression?

Emp: Nuh-uh.

Me: Hmm. Ok. Um, are you here because you'd like me to ask her to stop calling you that?

Emp: *snifflesnort* Whull, yeah. Um, I mean, I don't want to make a big deal out of it or anything because I don't want her to be mad at me.

Me: So, ok...Do you think she would be less upset by being called down to HR & being talked to? Do you think if you just maybe said, "Hey, um, I know you're just goofing around, but can you not call me that?"

Emp: *gulp* Yabbut, I'm afraid if I say something to her about it, she'll get upset & think I'm being a baby.

REALLY???? Why in the world would she ever think you're being a baby? *sigh* How do you function?

People, your Human Resources department is there to help you and make sure you're being treated fairly and everyone's following all the rules and crap, but we are NOT here to be your mom! In fact, if you act like this, your mom should be fucking smacked for failing to teach you to put on your big girl/boy panties and grow the hell up.

Wooosh! Wednesday Already?

I'm starting to think there's some weird time/space thing going on because DAMN, wasn't it *just* Wednesday? Ok, you know what that means. Hey, I have an idea, I'll go first!

As mentioned before, I bought a Roomba, robot vacuum. I've named him Nemo McSuckerbutt. He has a wee, semi-useless (but lucky!) fin jutting out from his side, so "Nemo" seemed a good name. McSuckerbutt, yeah, I don't really have an answer for that. It just popped into my brain and decided to stick there. I'll probably just call it Nemo. Anyway, my point is, I love him! He's vacuuming my kitchen RIGHT NOW! I swear to God, it's like living with the Jetsons.

Also, I took some of your advice and a smidge of my own and I made some plans. Nothing big, nothing fancy, just plans to be NOT in my house. Well, kinda' to be in my house, but to be in my house with OTHER PEOPLE, so that's progress, right? I emailed a couple of Human Resources ladies that I've met at various HR-related shindigs and asked them if they wanted to meet for drinks and to trade war stories and they said yes! We met tonight for a couple of hours and chatted about really boring HR crap, but it wasn't boring to us, it was pretty entertaining. It helped all of us to know that people act like fucking morons everywhere and it's not just our employees and we each took away a couple of ideas for morale building. In fact, I told them about No Whining Wednesday and they're taking it back to their offices to spread the positive vibes! Also, I called my friend Angelica and we made plans to go get dinner next Friday and then come back to my house & watch "The Soup" and play some Wii Sports Resort. Baby steps, baby steps...

Ok, I have to go rehearse a 2-hour, 180-page, idiotic Sexual Harassment and Workplace Violence Prevention presentation for tomorrow. I promise to do my level best to maintain the integrity of No Whining Wednesday, but I may slip into Sorta' Whining Wednesday since I have to go in an hour early AND I have to stand up in front of a group for 2 hours AND not be an asshole while I'm doing it. That's an awful lot!

I hope you all have a wonderful Wednesday and I'm looking forward to reading all about it! If you're looking for inspiration, check out Be The Change. The links will make your heart smile!

I've Made a Huge Mistake...

Hey kids, remember when I said Thirteen was sucking my will to live? Yeah, I wasn't lying. She's seriously making me hate my job. This is so not cool, because as much as I bitch about it, I basically love my job.

It's like working with an OCD Chihuahua. She's nervous, yappy, repetitive and annoying as hell and I need to like her, but I can't figure out how. My boss called me into her office the other day. She said, "Do you have any idea how funny it is for me to listen to you talk to her all day long and by about 3:00, you're just done. You've had it with being polite. You've had it with being helpful. You're just done."

I was a bit concerned and I honestly felt bad! I said, "Do you think she can tell?"

My boss, who is SO going to Hell, said,"Oh nooooooo, that's the HILARIOUS part! She has no idea how close you are to ripping her face off! I'm pretty sure she thinks you guys are buds!"

Super.

I have to go to a job fair with her all day on Wednesday. Now, if you remember from my earlier post, job fairs are painful, exhausting and an exercise in patience & acting. With Jackie, we could help each other out and keep the mood light, so the day didn't seem quite so heinous. Yeah, I don't really see this happening with Thirteen.

Here are some reasons that she makes me want to punch her in the head:

* She asks the same question OVER AND OVER and never refers to her notes. When I remind her that we've gone over this and it's probably in her notes, the first thing she says is, "I don't think so." After I make her look at her notes, she says, "Oh yeah, that's right." So, wouldn't logic dictate that she should look at her notes first and then ask me?

* She shakes. She's told me that she's on several different medications for anxiety, OCD and who knows what else. That's fine. People have nervous issues, I'm cool with that. I take anti-anxiety medication when I fly. (And sometimes just for fun!) But, then with all of those different drugs in you, why are you still a quivering mass of vibrating nerves? You make ME nervous. Stop it. Plus, she twirls her hair when she's nervous, so that pretty much means *constantly*. She twirls and twirls and then her eyes glaze over when you're having a conversation and I think this explains why she doesn't retain any information. She's drugged out & zoning. Hey, if I have to be sober at work, so should she!

* She set up a webcam to watch her cat. I don't think this needs further comment.

* She's OBSESSED with all things Twilight, Edward Cullen and Robert Pattinson. First she said she didn't like RPatz, but turns out that was kind of a lie. She LOOOOOOOVES him and sends me text messages to tell me that according to the Facebook quiz she took, Robert "I need a bath" Pattinson is her celebrity dream boyfriend.

* She can't seem to read body language or facial cues. She does ok with applicants, I guess, but she can't seem to tell when I'm getting annoyed or impatient. This is bad, because I'm pretty obvious about it. If she can't read me, then it concerns me that she'll not be able to read our boss's or other upper management's tone and body language & will annoy them, which let's face it, this will come back to bite me because they'll just refuse to deal with her and will come to me instead.

* The other day, we were talking about how an employee was not going to be eligible for a referral bonus because the applicant didn't list the referring employee's name anywhere on their application or new hire paperwork. Thirteen said, "Will the employee think we 'Jewed' them out of their bonus?" Wait, WHAT??? Did you just actually fucking SAY that? I didn't even respond at the time, because I was so taken aback by the comment. Is that something the kids say nowadays? I'll have to talk to her about it sometime (soon!), but I keep waiting to hear what other completely inappropriate bon mots she's going to drop.

* I'm pretty sure she's bulimic. The girl weighs all of 100 pounds, and I see the crap she eats! She's not a nibbler. She either works out for 3 hours a day or she pukes. Also, because she's so freakin' skinny, she's cold all the time. It's JULY and she wears a sweater or coat every day. It's JULY!

* She doesn't seem to grasp the subtleties of sarcasm. She thinks I'm serious when I say something that is obviously sarcastic or facetious. When she tries to be sarcastic, it comes off as caustic & mean sounding. She tries to emulate my conversational style with the management staff, but they know me. They're used to me & I know who I can be sarcastic with and, more importantly, who I can't. She doesn't & they don't know if she's kidding or not & several have already decided she's a snotty halfwit. I've tried explaining to her that she needs to know her audience and she just glazes over and says, "Oh, right, I know. She knew I was playing." Um, nuh-uh!

Ok, I'm finished. Sorry, I just had to get that out, because, you guys, I need help! I need to like her. I need to be able to work with her & I need to be able to mentor her and I don't know what to do. I'm not saying I need to be friends with her, but I have to be able to spend 8 - 10 hours a day with her and NOT dream of ways to catch her hair in the shredder. Talking to my boss about fixing it is not an option. She's tasked me with this. Ideas? Suggestions? I'll take anything you're offering except ways to kill her or get her fired. I have enough of those...

Oh, It 's Already Been Broughten!

I I scheduled an interview for Friday. An interview with a most unsuitable candidate. (Not this unsuitable, because I'm not a monster!) Then I took Friday off. Jackie has to do the interview.

And to up the douche factor? I yelled BOO-YA after I told her.

Lainey - 1 (maybe 1.5)
Jackie - 1

On a related note - jamiepants was attending a fair at a community college and may have the opportunity to snag her very own Go Army FREEDOM Mug. I am tickled pink at the prospect of multiple FREEDOM Mugs circulating throughout the blogonets. Tickled pink!

FREEDOM TASTES LIKE AMERICA!! And a little like gin.

First of all - I freakin' love all of you nutty nuts!

Second - I stole the title of this entry from Anna von Beaverplatz. Thank you, AvB for being awesome and kind of a drunk.

Third - it is ON, bitches!

Jackie and I are fighting over the FREEDOM MUG now, so we decided we should have some type of competition and the winner would get the cup. Our boss suggested we write an essay on "What Freedom Means To Me" because she is LAME and a nerd and apparently thinks we're 9 and she's our teacher. After Jackie and I both crushed her spirit with our withering looks, we decided that whoever is the biggest douche (without being a truly rotten person) wins the coveted cup.

Jackie made the first move. On her way out, while I was stuck on a conference call, she stopped in my office & sang the "B is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S" song, thereby infecting me with a most heinous earworm. Evil!

Jackie - 1
Lainey - 0

Help me, evil geniuses - I need ideas for pummeling her. I WANT THAT CUP!

Army Had Half-Day Today

Tidbits from the Job Fair:

Our booth was next to the Army's. There were two guys manning their booth. One was smiley and kind of quiet, the other? Eww. Picture the most obnoxious guy you can think of at the gym, drinking his "Rockstar Monster Energy Drink" or whatever the hell it is, flexing in front of the mirror and yelling "BOO-YAHHH" after every set (or rep. I don't know what it's called. It's not like I hang out in gyms).

So, Jackie and I are sitting at our booth, waiting for the applicants to be let in and Douchey McArmy starts chatting us up. Within 11 seconds I was finished even pretending to listen. Jackie is more patient than I am and definitely better at hiding her annoyance. About 45 minutes in, Douchey walks over and (loudly) says, "Jesus Christ, where'd they find these idiots?" Nice, dude. Then he says to Jackie, "There's a bunch of what we like to call, 'UCI's' here", to which Jackie replied, "UCI's?" and he sneers, "Unqualified Inquiries", obviously pleased with himself. Jackie gave him a perplexed look and said, "Um, why is that called a UCI"? He pulls himself up to his full douchetude and says, "UCI - UN QUALIFIED INQUIRY". Jackie says, "yeah, but, where's the 'c' coming from"? He looks at her like she's the most retarded person he's talked to all day and says, "UN QUALI...oh, um, haa...I I don't know, now that you mention it." DURRRR. Ass.

Later, while there was a lull, he crouched down next to Jackie and presented her with a Go Army coffee mug. Evidently, Jackie didn't show the appropriate amount of gratitude because he then lectured her on the VALUE of a mug from the UNITED STATES ARMY and "when you drink your coffee from that cup, YOU'RE DRINKING FREEDOM, TOO!" Jackie doesn't respond well to raised voices and tends to take it personally. He continued to natter on and eventually wound up the one-sided conversation with, "I'm not even sure why they selected me to do this. It's not like I'm the most personable guy" to which Jackie replies, "At least you know your weaknesses!"

He stopped coming by after that. Haa, I love her!

Hell Yeah to the Chief

So, one of my job duties is to cover for the receptionist’s breaks and lunches one week each month. I’m not exactly a fan of the receptionist and I find her to be annoying as all hell, BUT, she is pretty good at her job and she hasn’t gone on a massive killing spree, which frankly, I find shocking. If I had to answer those goddamn phones all day, every day, I’d be shooting people. A lot.

Anyway, so this week is my week. Typically, the hour I’m covering consists of a whole bunch of irritating people who call and say,

“Did you just call me?” Nope. No, I did not.

“Well, this number just showed up on my caller ID.”

“Did the caller leave you a message?” I ask as politely as possible.

“No.”

“Then, I’m not sure who called sir/ma’am. We have approximately 350 employees here. It could have been anyone.”

“Well, what did they want?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know who called you. I’m sure they’ll call back if it was important.”

“Well, what kind of company is this?”

“It’s an ambulance transport service.”

“Well, what do you do?”

“Um, transport people by ambulance.” (I thought that was clear, but whatever.)

“Well, why are you calling me?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t call you.”

“Well, who did?”

You get the idea…

There are also a lot of hang ups and “sorry, wrong number”. Occasionally, there’s a recorded message call. Sometimes I’ll listen to them, because I am bored when I’m covering the front desk, but usually I disconnect. One came in today. It started out the same as the regular recorded messages:

“Hello, please stay on the line for an important message. The following is a text message sent to you from 2-1-6-5-5-5-blah, blah, blah…”

I was about to hang up, but I stayed on because Chatty von Chatterstein was walking by and I knew she’d stop to talk to me if I wasn’t sitting with the phone pressed against my ear, looking busy, busy, busy. So, the female computerized voice finishes telling me the number the message is from and then it says, in a totally monotone, tinny, digitized voice,

“Start message. Tomorrow, hell yeah. Obama, BITCHES! End message.”

I laughed so hard I snorted. It was awesome.

Aw Nuts!

So, the new Director of Finance (on whom I *may* have a teeny, tiny, gigantic, little, inappropriate crush) called me Friday. I had my mouth full when I answered the phone (classy, I KNOW). He said, “what’re you doing”, I replied, “eating peanuts”…welllll, that’s sort of what I said. Take out the “t”…yeah, so …

We were both silent for a second and then he said, “ok, call me when you’re done”.

Nicely played, sir!

Every single day I’m amazed that I still have my job…

Countdown 'til I Get Fired...

OHMYGOD I love Google Reader! I don't think I can adequately describe my love for something that gives me yet another avenue to fuck off at work! Until now, I haven't been able to read my favorite blogs during the day, because Websense deemed anything with the word blog or blogspot as "Non-Productive". (Shut-up, Websense - you're not the boss of me! You know what's "Non-Productive"? Me spending more time trying to find ways to get around you.)

Now I have this fantastic little work-around (I swear if anyone tells Websense I will find that person and staple their lips shut) which allows me to see vitally important posts during the day instead of having to wait all the way until sometime around 6:15 pm.

What vitally important things, you ask? Well, for example, ... ... fine, I can't think of anything that would require my immediate attention, but it could happen. And when it does, I will know about it right away!

I still can't read comments on the blogs, but I have a feeling I'll figure out a way to do that, too. After all, if it means more time not doing my job, I'm all about research!