Sometimes Laziness DOES Pay!

First - Everything about Paheeba Day was incredible!  Thank you, you amazing, delightful, lovely ladies of Pajiba!  Thanks for all of your planning and writing and editing and Photoshopping and general awesomeness.  I feel privileged to be among your members.

 

Second - I was a giant, whiny baby on Monday.  GIANT.  So giant, in fact, that I actually *cried* in front of my boss.  My boss and I are also friends, so this isn't as tragic as it could have been, but still - come ON, we mock people who cry at work!  In the past couple of months, 7 of my friends have entered into relationships (some with each other, which is just about the cutest thing EVER) and I'm definitely happy for them.  However, my stupid girl-self also spent some time in the Bitter Barn feeling sorry for myself and lamenting my lack of a love life.  On Monday morning, my boss greeted me and said, "Hey, you look sad; what's up?" and then you know how when someone's nice to you it just makes you cry like a girl?  Yeah, so that happened.  At the end of my little Pity Party, she said, "I know you know this.  I KNOW you know this, but Lainey, no one's just gonna' just show up & knock on your door.  You have to get out there and make yourself available to meet people.  It's not just going to happen by sitting in your jammie pants and watching teevee."

 

Oh realllllllly?

 

So, Angel-ica sends me a text Monday afternoon, "Hey, would you be interested in going out with a 28-year-old guy"?  WhutWhut? 

 

I wrote her back and we played text tag for a few minutes until I got irritated as crap with that (GOD, I hate extended texting, unless it's of the dirty, sessy variety) and called her.  Her husband, M, works with a guy who said to him, "I'd just like to meet a nice, funny, cute, kinda' nerdy girl who's independent, kind of a homebody, has some meat on her bones and a brain in her head." and M exclaimed, "I KNOW THAT GIRL!" I told Angie that I'm not a nerd though and then she laughed and laughed...

 

Angie said that her husband was SO excited that he'd actually already emailed my picture to the boy and they were planning our first meeting/date.  I *jokingly* asked if he would mind if I showed up in my jammiepants and Angie shrieked, "Ohmygod, yes!  Yes, let's do that!"  So now, the 4 of us are going to get together at the boy's house, in our jammies, and watch movies, eat Mexican take-out, and play with the Wii.  I think it sounds like a lot of fun and even if it's not a love connection, it'll be good to have some interaction with a guy who isn't my dad or the janitor at my office.

 

Also, the fact that I get to keep saying to my boss, "Neener, neener, neener - enjoy working hard while I sit on my ass and do nothing!" has not grown old.

Third - Speaking of sitting on my ass and doing nothing - evidently that pays off at work, too!  I got a promotion (well, technically I got a better title & more vacation time) and a raise today.  Cool, right?  I'm sure this will come back to bite me in the ass as it can really only mean that more work is coming and they're trying to butter me up to do it.  Whatevs.  Not like I was doing anything anyway.

Fourth - I started Weight Watchers again a couple of weeks ago. I've lost 5 pounds and while I'm aware that it isn't much, at least the scale is going down instead of up for the first time in a really long time.  I'm freaking STARVING every afternoon around 4:30, so I need to find a way to deal with that, but otherwise, I'm doing pretty well and it's kind of fun to treat my daily points allotment as a scavenger hunt.  Now I just need to get off my lazy ass and throw some exercise into the mix.  Baby steps, baby steps...

Fifth - I tagged this with "waking up with things in your mouth" because it makes me laugh.

Sixth - I have to go to an Employment Law Review all afternoon on Friday, BUT, I get to go with my boss to Red Robin for lunch and I have been saving my extra Weight Watchers points this week so I can have a burger, fries and freckled lemonade.  I'm way more excited about this than I should be.

Seventh - After this Friday, I will not be required to wear pants on Fridays until next January!  Yeah, bitchez!  Between Thanksgiving and New Years, I will have every Friday off work.  Suh-fricken-weet!

Eighth - I don't have an eighth.

Ninth - My pajama date means I get to go shopping for new jammie pants - YAY for new jammie pants that actually serve a purpose for once!

Tenth - What do you squirrellybutts have going on this week?

Baby Got Back...

So, yeah, I understand that diet and exercise are the way to lose weight and get in shape.  However, I also understand that I'm lazier than shit and I'm not so good at monitoring my own diet if my pants size is any indicator.

I've always been curvy, but not fat - I'd say, "thick" or "chunky" (Mmmm, like salsa!), until I quit smoking a few years ago.  I've gained 30 pounds and I just seem to keep adding to it.  I've done Weight Watchers and been REALLY dedicated to it, but didn't lose more than 5 - 10 pounds.  My doctor prescribed diet pills (SPEED - WOOHOO!) and not only did I feel like *ass*, I only lost a few pounds and gained it back as soon as I went off of them.  I used to exercise with the ex, but he was in fantastic shape and I couldn't keep up, so I'd get frustrated and stop.  I have a WiiFit and I'm really trying to make myself use it with regularity, but so far, I can't seem to make myself use it even though I enjoy the hell out of it while I'm playing.

I'm a few months shy of turning 40.  My father's heart attack kind of scared me and made me reexamine my own lard-lined arteries.  I'm single and haven't been on a date date in several years because I have a hard time trying to date when I feel like a whale and I'm a tiny, little petite chick, so that much extra weight makes me look as wide as I am tall.   I need to lose about 30 - 40 pounds and I need to do something that shows some results or I'll give up and quit trying.  (Yes, I realize that I'm an assy baby about this, I'm just trying to be honest with myself and with you and despite wanting to NOT be an assy baby, I know my limitations.)

Yes, I talk about waffles all the time, but seriously, I really don't eat them that often and I'm not even lying when I say I eat relatively healthfully (I LOVE vegetables and fruit and recently I don't seem to really like meat, so I don't eat hamburgers, hot dogs or sausage), I only eat fast food maybe twice a month and I don't drink sugar soda.  My biggest problems seem to be that I fail at packing my lunch for work and then eat whatever is closest; I eat late at night, since I tend to not go to bed until 1:00 AM; and I am a huge fan of butter, cheese, and anything with the word "cake" in it.  I think I could possibly benefit from a restrictive & strict diet that's pre-packaged and is planned for me.

Now that I've rambled on (too bad excessive typing doesn't burn significant calories), here's my question to you:  I'm seriously considering joining Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, or Chefs Diet (which is sort of like The Zone food delivery service, except not the REALLY good shit that rich people and celebrities get).  These are all fairly expensive and I will be a bitter, bitter bunny if the food tastes, looks or smells like barf.  Have any of you tried any of those programs or known anyone who has?  Were they/you successful in the weight loss?  Was the food edible?  Would it work for a picky eater?  Did the weight come back after going off the program? 

Any feedback is GREATLY appreciated!

This Space for Rent...

Hi,

This is Lainey's blog, but Lainey is goofing around and/or too lazy unavoidably detained until further notice. So I, an anonymous, benevolent friend, shall provide you with a short entry.

As you may know, last week Lainey was waylaid (don't get excited, that word has nothing to do with sex [unfuckingfortunately! --ed.]) by some cold or virus disease type thing. She took quite a lot of OTC meds, and may have gotten hooked on one of them. It would explain a lot, right? She also got hooked on maple syrup, though she tries to explain it away as some sort of nutrition when accompanied by a frozen circular disk. Despite her poor diet and the d.t.s, she seems to have dragged herself into work this week, where she spends much time complaining or making observations about her co-workers and or superiors. I do assume some work gets done, as she hasn't gotten fired. And she did do all that nifty employee appreciation stuff, didn't she? But still, I'm not sure she's completely gotten her mojo back, so I'm going to recommend we have a little intervention. We'll keep it small, entice her with the smell of waffles and pretend we're all there to watch...Intervention!  She'll totally fall for it. Now while we're there, let's just go ahead and tie her to a chair until she tells us that SEX STORY; may as well kill two birds, right?

I think that's all I've got for now, please leave a comment if you'd like to be a part of the intervention and if you can bring a snack. Everything is better with snacks. [You know what makes a nice snack?  Waffles...I'm JUST saying. --ed.] I know you'll all be as happy as me when we have our girl back.

Cheerios!

[PS:  Happy No Whining Wednesday! --ed.]

Money Can't Buy Happiness...

But it can buy a shit-ton of other stuff!

I've been on a weird spending spree of late. I don't often spend a great deal of money at one time or on myself. This isn't to say I don't treat myself regularly or buy the best "whatever" that I can afford; I do. I make pretty good money and have no one other than myself on whom to spend it. Oh and that giant piggycat, but really, she's happy with the boxes that my stuff comes in, so I don't spend a lot on her.

Lately though, like within the last 2 to 3 weeks, I've been going NUTS buying shit. I've recently purchased 8 movies, 3 tv series, a robot vacuum (for the *truly* lazy), 5 pairs of shoes (because the 46 I already own are not enough. No, I'm not kidding. I really have 51 pairs of shoes now. All in their boxes, labeled and neatly stacked), hundreds thousands of dollars worth of new clothes, a knife holder shaped like a body (awesome find, Rusty, thanks!) and a new video game disc for a video game console I never use. WTF?

Obviously, I'm overcompensating for something lacking in my life. I'm trying to buy a life. I used to spend money on trips and nights out. I used to go to the movies and dinner and football games and local concerts. I used to do all of these things when I was with someone. Since I've been alone, I go home after work and turn on the tv and the computer. I watch movies I've seen before because I hate watching new movies alone. I have no one to talk about them with. (Yes, I ended a sentence in "with". Suck it.) I don't seem to really cook anymore because cooking for one is a chore and leaves me with entirely more food than I need. And I don't really go anywhere because suddenly, I've developed some weird agoraphobic tendencies that I never had before. I get freaked out and anxious if I go someplace new.

This is turning out WAY whinier than I intended. I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining, I absolutely am not! In fact, what came to me was that it's time to STOP whining. To stop sitting around with a "woe is me" attitude and do something about it. I need to metaphorically and um, phorically? clean out my closet. Dump the shoes and clothes and memories that don't fit any longer. Clear out the clutter in my home and in my brain.

Some opportunities are coming up at work and maybe I need to go back to school? I also need to use the networking tools at my disposal and expand my business and personal connections. Maybe I need to try online dating while I'm at it? I don't know. What I *do* know is that I've let my life become stagnant and have embraced my inner-slacker too much. It's time to stop buying my life and instead make my life.

Any suggestions, tips or personal anecdotes you can share to help me get started?

Beirut, Quarters, Flip-Cup, Beer Pong...

What are 'drinking games I've never played', Alex?

Remember the drinking game, "I Never" (although some of my friends call it "Never Have I Ever" which seems ridiculously redundant to me)? I thought it might be fun to play it with or without the alcohol. Please feel free to contribute your own "Nevers" and hey, do some shots if you're feeling it. I don't drink, so I'll not be partaking, but you should feel free. In fact, while we're talking about it, now's as good a time as any to bring this up because it seems to get questioned on Facebook at least once a week. I don't drink, but I'm not against drinking. I used to drink, but never really excessively. Wellll, a couple of times pretty excessively. I didn't *quit* drinking so much as I just stopped without realizing it. I think I stopped right around when I quit smoking. I wasn't a big drinker before that, because I don't get buzzed. I go from stone-cold sober to WASTED with no warning. Sometimes it's from one vodka martini and sometimes it's after 4. Sometimes one glass of wine would be my undoing and sometimes I could drink most of a bottle. Whether I had eaten beforehand seemed to have no bearing on the situation. It was always a crapshoot as to whether I'd have a drink and be fine or have a drink and be hammered. Also, I got horrible hangovers that took all day to get over. So, essentially, I just stopped drinking because it wasn't worth the hassle and I think you've all learned by now that I am LAZY as sin and will do anything to avoid effort or hassles.

Ok, with that out of the way, back to the game. So, here are a couple of my "Nevers" and I really hope you guys will play, too.

* I've never eaten Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.
My dad thought it was disgusting & wouldn't allow it in the house when I was growing up. The smell makes me gag and I used to lock myself in my room when my roommates made it.

* I've never shared a bedroom.
I don't have siblings, so I never had to. And I've never lived with a boyfriend & I haven't been married, so again, never had to.

* I've never watched "The Wire"
And I kind of have no desire to even though the Pajiba Overlords RAVE about it. In fact, because I'm an obstinate twit, the more everyone goes on about it, the more I don't want to watch it.

* I've never spent the whole weekend in bed making love.
I've spent the entire weekend fucking (you're not wrong in thinking that I am klass-ay), but not the lazy, affectionate, lovey-dovey, can't-get-enough-of-staring-at-each-other, lovemaking that I read about & see in TV & movies.

* I've never owned a brand new car.
I could afford to buy one, I just won't. It seems like a waste of money and also, I'm fairly certain that buying a NEW car would ensure that I would be in my first car accident. Which brings me to:

* I've never been in a car accident.
2 minor fender benders - once I rear-ended someone and caused no damage to either car and once I was rear-ended by someone on the highway when traffic was stopped. Minor damage to my car & dented fender on theirs.

Now I want to read yours! They can be serious or funny. As many as you want. Just share!

Lazy, Lazy, Lazy, Lazy, Lazy, Lazy, Lainey...

She
wants
a
drink
of
water
so
she
waits
and
waits
and
waits
and
waits
and
waits
for
it
to
rain.

Do you guys remember that Shel Silverstein poem? My name should have been Jane.

I may have outlazied myself tonight. I needed to iron the sleeves and collar of the blouse I plan to wear tomorrow. I tried spraying them with water and smoothing them out, but that didn't seem to help. I looked through the closet for a sweater to wear over it, but that didn't work out so well. So, rather than just get out the ironing board, I attempted to iron the sleeves on the lid of my toilet. It worked okaaay, not great. I don't know that it was worth the hassle and it probably would have been less energy and time expended if I'd have just set up the damn ironing board in the first place. *sigh* Live and learn. Live and learn.

So, this made me curious. What's the laziest thing you've ever done? I'd like to make a contest out of it. There probably won't be a prize or anything, because hello? Lazy. But, I'd really like to a) feel slightly better about myself and b) pick up some useful tips to supplement my laziness.

I'll throw one out that isn't mine. My friend Ann MaRetard once dressed her infant in layers. She reasoned that this way, when the baby urped throughout the day, she could just remove a layer of clothing rather than redressing the kid several times. I thought it was brilliant. Her husband wasn't as impressed.

Ok - GO! Dazzle me!