Army Had Half-Day Today

Tidbits from the Job Fair:

Our booth was next to the Army's. There were two guys manning their booth. One was smiley and kind of quiet, the other? Eww. Picture the most obnoxious guy you can think of at the gym, drinking his "Rockstar Monster Energy Drink" or whatever the hell it is, flexing in front of the mirror and yelling "BOO-YAHHH" after every set (or rep. I don't know what it's called. It's not like I hang out in gyms).

So, Jackie and I are sitting at our booth, waiting for the applicants to be let in and Douchey McArmy starts chatting us up. Within 11 seconds I was finished even pretending to listen. Jackie is more patient than I am and definitely better at hiding her annoyance. About 45 minutes in, Douchey walks over and (loudly) says, "Jesus Christ, where'd they find these idiots?" Nice, dude. Then he says to Jackie, "There's a bunch of what we like to call, 'UCI's' here", to which Jackie replied, "UCI's?" and he sneers, "Unqualified Inquiries", obviously pleased with himself. Jackie gave him a perplexed look and said, "Um, why is that called a UCI"? He pulls himself up to his full douchetude and says, "UCI - UN QUALIFIED INQUIRY". Jackie says, "yeah, but, where's the 'c' coming from"? He looks at her like she's the most retarded person he's talked to all day and says, "UN QUALI...oh, um, haa...I I don't know, now that you mention it." DURRRR. Ass.

Later, while there was a lull, he crouched down next to Jackie and presented her with a Go Army coffee mug. Evidently, Jackie didn't show the appropriate amount of gratitude because he then lectured her on the VALUE of a mug from the UNITED STATES ARMY and "when you drink your coffee from that cup, YOU'RE DRINKING FREEDOM, TOO!" Jackie doesn't respond well to raised voices and tends to take it personally. He continued to natter on and eventually wound up the one-sided conversation with, "I'm not even sure why they selected me to do this. It's not like I'm the most personable guy" to which Jackie replies, "At least you know your weaknesses!"

He stopped coming by after that. Haa, I love her!

Crabbypants McGee

So, I might be taking a break from Pajiba for a bit. It's just not that fun for me anymore. Ever since the April Fool's prank, I'm just not loving it. I'm still a bit bitter and kind of hurt, I guess. I feel like the little community that was created was destroyed. Not just destroyed by the staff, but also by the nameless "me too-ers" who were brave enough to chime in about feeling excluded, but not brave enough to ever post so they could be included. Logic like that confounds me. The timing of it was so crappy, too. We had all just come together to say goodbye to 'Manda and everyone was feeling all Kumbaya and shit and then, *splat*. Anything for a joke, right?

The regular old time crew, socalled, Sarina, Julie, PissBoy, jM, jamiepants and others I'm not remembering right now, appear to have stepped back into the shadows - oh, Shadows of Dakaron, that's who I forgot! - and it's a few new people and a few of us regulars and we're trying so hard to not let anything go off topic or offend anyone lurking that it's not really organic or entertaining to me anymore. Maybe I'm just cranky in general and need a nap.

Regardless, I miss the goofy. I miss the zombies. I miss SKITZ! And while it did irritate me on occasion, (and yes, I participated on occasion as well) I miss the sexual banter. The cheesy flirtations and the downright dirty flirty. I miss the silliness. I miss my friends.

This probably didn't warrant an announcement, but I'm really rather bummed about it, so I figured I'd share. Maybe this is all a bunch of word vomit and I'll change my mind tomorrow. Who knows? I may still read a bit when I'm supposed to be working, because seriously, how much work can they expect me to actually do? But, I don't think I'll be hanging out there as much. If anything super fun pops up, let me know, 'k? I'm still on the Facespace and visiting all of your blogs and I still love you all to pieces, but for now anyway, I'm gonna' find something else to do with my screwing around on the internet time.

And Yet Somehow the World Keeps on Spinning

I attended a funeral on the Internet today. For a woman I never met. For a woman who touched my life and the lives of hundreds (thousands?) of other people who never met her. She wasn’t a celebrity. She wasn’t famous. She was just a funny, smart, sassmouthed woman who was trying her best to raise her son, love her husband, be a good person and beat a deadly disease. She was an inspiration. I’m sorry that she’s gone and I’m sorry that her son will grow up without her there. I’m grateful that I got to “know” her for a short time.

I tried explaining this to my boss and to one of my friends. Neither got it. It should be said that neither judged me, but they didn’t understand. I probably wouldn’t have either if I didn’t “know” these wonderful, wonderful people. You, wonderful, wonderful people.

I’ve never been to a funeral/memorial service on the Internet before. It was cathartic. It was different and new, yet very familiar and intimate and sad all the same. The only difference was that I could cry openly and not have to put on my brave face. I felt like I was surrounded by friends and people who loved her and wanted to celebrate her life.

I didn’t know Amanda very well and won’t cheapen her memory by trying to pretend that we were friends. We weren’t. We were Facebook friends, for whatever that’s worth and I read her blog, but we didn’t exchange correspondence. However, her life and her passing affected me deeply. I’ve been grieving for her and her family all week. Knowing what lies ahead for her little boy. Knowing what it’s like to grow up without a mother and empathizing with how hard it must have been for her knowing that she had to leave him. She made a huge mark on this world. I hope her husband and son and parents are able to get some comfort from that someday. I hope her son will always know just how cool his mama was.

See ya' later, ‘Manda. You’re so cool. You’re so cool. You’re so cool.

Decisions, Decisions...

I have nothing going on. Nothing to post about. BUT, I know that you guys are probably just dying to know what’s going on with me. I’m sure you’re furiously emailing each other going, “where’s Lainey? What’s she doing? What’s going on in her life? I NEED TO KNOW! I NEEEEEEEED TO KNOW, DAMMIT!”

Settle down, lovelies, it’s ok. Shhh, *stroking your hair* it’s ok. I’m here now.

I finally got my taste buds back. YAY. But now, because I simply cannot live without conflict and self-created drama, I can’t decide what to eat. This happens almost every day. I have too many choices. I will probably end up eating a handful of peanuts and microwave popcorn because I simply cannot choose between all of the wonderful food in my kitchen. Here are my choices:

Homemade chili and naan
Freakin’ AWESOME pasta salad with chicken
Chicken with mashed potatoes, cauliflower, asparagus and edemame
Chicken with sweet potatoes, cauliflower, and cranberry orange sauce
Turkey sausage & pierogies and applesauce
Spaghetti, garlic bread and salad
Eggs, turkey sausage, toast and half an orange and some blueberries
Leftover pizza
Grilled cheese, sweet potato fries and an apple
Shrimp, wild rice and asparagus
Crab legs, baked potato, cauliflower and edemame
Black bean soup and naan
Hard-boiled egg, string cheese, crackers, hummus, and an orange
Special K Blueberry cereal (which is good, but doesn’t taste like blueberries. Tastes like purple.)

PLUS, I can’t decide what to drink. Should I have Diet Coke with Splenda? Diet Barq’s? Orange juice? Grape juice? Lemonade? Diet Pepsi? Plain water? Protein water? AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGH! I could have had a V8!

My wee brain cannot make a decision. All of these delicious foods are in my refrigerator or pantry right now. It’s not a matter of which would take longer to make or what one is healthier than the other. I simply can’t decide. This happens almost every day. Seriously. It’s really bad. Sometimes, I just go to bed without eating because I literally can’t choose. And then sometimes, I just say, “fuck it” and go to Chipotle.

I have little doubt that you’re thinking, “You’re a dick. If this is your biggest problem in life, you need to shut the hell up. People are starving in other parts of the world.” I know. I realize how unbelievably lucky I am and I’m truly grateful. I don’t mean for this to come off as whining or “oh woe is me, I can’t decide what to shove in my fat little face today. Wahhhhhhhh!” I’m just putting it out there as more of an example of what a freak I am.

Also, I believe careful readers will notice that motherfucking pine nuts are not included in any of the above menu options. Fucking pine nuts.

It Turns Out I'm NOT Dying After All...

Ok, you guys, seriously, I've been a bit worried the last few days. For about 3 days now (this is the 4th day), I've had this horribly bitter taste in the back of my mouth after I eat or drink something. It's not there all the time, just when I'm eating and after I eat. At first I thought it was the new vitamins I was taking and I blew it off. The next morning though, my coffee tasted terribly bitter and I hadn't taken the vitamins yet. So, I was all, "hmmm, what's up with that?" Later, at work, I ate a container of yogurt. Well, that's not entirely true. I TRIED to eat the yogurt, but it was so freakin' nasty tasting I threw it away after 3 bites. I ate some blueberries instead. You should know, I love blueberries above all foods, with the possible exception of sweet potatoes, (FINE and ice cream. Shut-up, I'm pretending I'm healthy!) and they were disgusting and gross. I couldn't eat them. This made me super frowny because I LOVE them, but also because it's not blueberry season and those fuckers are expensive!

I'm trying to figure out why I have this awful taste in my mouth/throat and I made a comment to one of my hypochondriac co-workers. His reply - "Dude, sounds like you're having some liver problems." WHAT? What the fuckingwhatwhat? You're so not helpful!

And then, of course, now I'm all worried that I'm having some sort of liver problem. I keep looking in the mirror to see if my eyes are turning yellow or if my skin looks jaundiced. I'm not a doctor, but I've watched 'House' a lot, so I think I'm pretty qualified to make a diagnosis. Obviously.

Last night, I'm just going crazy because now ice cream tastes bad, too. HOW CAN THIS BE? Ice cream is a gift from the Godtopus; there's no way in hell it should ever taste bad. Unless you're dying. Now I'm getting concerned. Because first of all, I did A LOT of drugs in the 90's. It's entirely possible that I damaged my liver. But secondly and more importantly, if I'm dying, but ice cream and blueberries are going to taste bad up until my death, then fuck it, bring it on now. I'm not gonna' put up with that kind of asshattery nonsense until my inevitable demise. That's just crazy talk and I'm not a big enough trooper to go through that. I know my limitations.

Of course, I turned to the internet because you pretty much always want to self-diagnose major organ failure via the internet. So, I typed in the search words, "bitter taste in mouth when eating". The first few links to pop up -

Liver failure.
Super.

Brain tumor.
AWE-some.

Kidney disease.
Neato Bandito.

But wait, there was something else.

Bitter taste - pine nuts?

Hmmmm, interesting. I clicky the linky and there are literally hundreds, if not thousands, of people all over the world describing what I'm experiencing and all of them have one thing in common - pine nuts. And guess what I've been eating on everything I can get my fat little hands on? Guess! Wow, you kids are super good at this game - you're right! Pine nuts. I've been eating them in my hummus, on pizza, in my pasta salad, mixed with other nuts, and a handful here and there on their own.

According to the other people who are also not dying of liver failure, a couple of days after eating pine nuts, they have a bitter/metallic taste in the back of their mouths, like a dissolving aspirin taste, which keeps appearing when they eat. Nothing seems to make it much better and sweet things seem to make it much worse. Some of them have reported it to their doctors and the doctors have never heard of it and there's only one published medical article about it. But, Wikipedia has something about it, so that's something, I guess. It doesn't happen to everyone and the only semi-common link is that a lot of the pine nuts are from China, but there's no definitive answer as to why. Why it only affects some people and why it only happens sometimes.

Anyway, evidently for another week or two I'll have this yummy taste, which is kind of similar to what it would taste like if you brushed your teeth and then followed it with a big ol' honkin' glass of cranberry juice. Mmm mmm, good, right?

I just thought you'd all be thrilled to know that I'm not actually dying and some pine nuts are evil.

I'm probably still going to keep trying ice cream. It's for SCIENCE, ok? Geez.

Karma Isn't Always a Bitch

About 10 years ago, things were not going well for me. I got sick. I left my job. My boyfriend was married, but somehow forgot to mention that tiny detail to me. I was alone and depressed and feeling very sorry for myself. This sounds like a Country & Western song, but I promise it isn’t. I found a new job and things were turning around, but I wasn’t going to get my first paycheck for a while.

A friend loaned me $200. I told her I didn’t know when I could pay her back, but I would as soon as I was able to. She told me not to. She said that someday I would be in a position to help someone else out and I should give the money to him or her. This stuck with me for so long because it was just really, really, kind, but also because she didn’t have an extra $200 to give to me. She was living paycheck to paycheck and had recently been living in her car. I asked her how she could do this and she told me that when she needed it, someone helped her and asked her to do the same when she could.

There’s a non-profit organization that does stuff like this every day. Modest Needs helps people who need urgent assistance to make it until the next paycheck and before they get sucked into the cycle of the vile Cash and Go loan sharks or government assistance/dependence.

I’m posting this for two reasons. The first is that you may be in a position to help. If you’re looking for a charity organization that helps people who need unexpected, but basic things like to replace a dead car battery or glasses because they broke the pair they’ve been wearing for 10 years and don’t have any extra money in their budget to have them fixed. Or to help someone pay for the vet bill because their dog had a tumor which needed to be removed.

The second reason is that you may need help or know someone else who does. It’s a good place to start. Modest Needs won’t just give someone money, but will help with an unforeseen expense and will issue a check directly to the vendor. It won’t take away all their problems or make them rich, but it may help them sleep a bit better without worrying how they’re going to fix the broken water heater or pay that delinquent medical bill.

I urge you to check them out, particularly the “thank you” page.

www.modestneeds.org

Lazy, Lazy, Lazy, Lazy, Lazy, Lazy, Lainey...

She
wants
a
drink
of
water
so
she
waits
and
waits
and
waits
and
waits
and
waits
for
it
to
rain.

Do you guys remember that Shel Silverstein poem? My name should have been Jane.

I may have outlazied myself tonight. I needed to iron the sleeves and collar of the blouse I plan to wear tomorrow. I tried spraying them with water and smoothing them out, but that didn't seem to help. I looked through the closet for a sweater to wear over it, but that didn't work out so well. So, rather than just get out the ironing board, I attempted to iron the sleeves on the lid of my toilet. It worked okaaay, not great. I don't know that it was worth the hassle and it probably would have been less energy and time expended if I'd have just set up the damn ironing board in the first place. *sigh* Live and learn. Live and learn.

So, this made me curious. What's the laziest thing you've ever done? I'd like to make a contest out of it. There probably won't be a prize or anything, because hello? Lazy. But, I'd really like to a) feel slightly better about myself and b) pick up some useful tips to supplement my laziness.

I'll throw one out that isn't mine. My friend Ann MaRetard once dressed her infant in layers. She reasoned that this way, when the baby urped throughout the day, she could just remove a layer of clothing rather than redressing the kid several times. I thought it was brilliant. Her husband wasn't as impressed.

Ok - GO! Dazzle me!

Next I'll Be Writing About Ben Gay...

So, today I'm all sore. Sore and bruised.

And NO, it's not 'cause I'm a big ol' slutty hoo-er. I AM a big ol' slutty hoo-er, but I'm sore and bruised because I am a spaz.

Last night, in an effort to be lazier than lazy, I tried to reach something in the back of my refrigerator. Instead of simply removing the items in the front and then getting what I wanted from the back, I tried to finagle and maneuver around the shit in the front and in the process knocked a giant jar of apricot jam off the shelf and onto the top of my foot. And now the top of my tiny foot and the base of my big toe (which, by the way, is a misnomer; my big toe is actually wee) have this lovely dark purple bruise and it really rather hurts. Not bad enough to go have it x-rayed (x-ray'd? x-rayd? x-rayed {no, Microsoft Word, not x-rated, but thanks for the help!}), but enough for me to whine about it like a giant baby.

Oh and I am sore and bruised from being a Trampy Von Trollopstein. Helpful tip for all you ladies out there (and Jeremy). Stubble burn hurts. Whether it's on your face or elsewhere. You know what helps? Preparation H. Swear to God. Makes the burn and swelling go away like instantly. So, if your gentleman caller friend has a bit of stubble and your delicate bits are irritated, you can just fix it in a jiffy. (Helps with your own special valley razor burn, too.) You'll smell like an old lady with hemorrhoids, BUT, you'll feel better.

You're welcome.

Lainey Appreciation Day!

So, today’s my birthday. I’m 39, which is kind of old, but honestly I’m ok with that. Partially, because I don’t really look old and partially because I don’t really feel old. Oh and partially because a really cute 29-year-old guy is coming over tonight to celebrate with me. And by “celebrate with me”, I mean “have the sexy time with me”. You’re never too old to be a slutty, slutty ho!

This year has been pretty good. I ended a really emotionally (and financially) draining relationship and feel better than I’ve felt in years. Things are busy, but not crazy at work and that’s refreshing and reassuring. Job security is far more important to me than it’s ever been and the idea of being unemployed and having to interview with bitches like me is a something I’d rather not have to deal with. I’ve “met” some AWESOME people this year through Pajiba and Facebook and blogging. I’ve had the privilege of really getting to know some fantastically funny and sweet people. And Sarina. (Kidding, Giggles!) Seriously, y’all are just great and have made me so glad that I decided to do this. And I’m glad I haven’t told any of my real life people about it, so I have the freedom to talk smack about fucking morons at work and my socially retarded family.

Hmm, what else? Not much actually. My life is pretty quiet. Dull even, but honestly I’m ok with that. Partially because I’m old…

PS: My dad got me the hat above. He bought it because it was “festive” and I didn’t have to just wear it on my birthday, I could wear it anytime during the birthday season. That’s what he said.

HAAA, kidding. He didn't. But really, would anyone have been surprised if he had?

PPS: So, turns out, I didn't really have much to say. Dull isn't as interesting as I had hoped...

Letter to Myself

I saw this on TK's blog a long time ago. I stole the idea and have been sitting on it for awhile because I'm super lazy. BUT, I haven't written anything for over a week and now I feel bad because EIGHT people (thanks new person who added me) read this crap and probably are so sad that they can barely function; just wasting away waiting for me to post something. (I beg you not to ruin that fantasy for me. Thank you.)

The purpose of the blog post was to write a letter to your 13-year-old self. It looks ridiculously long and self-indulgent and it IS, I'm not gonna' lie, but it's a quick read.

Dear Lainey,

Hiiiiiiiieeeeeeee! It’s me…or you… or me, or whatever, anyway, I have some things to tell you that might make life a tiny bit easier for us. Who knows? Maybe (hopefully!) you’ll take the advice or maybe you’ve already hit the age where you think you know everything and anyone over 18 sounds like the teacher from ‘Peanuts’. Anyway, I hope you at least read this with an open mind.

First off: Don’t cut your hair after Brian Black dumps you for that girl Terri. He won’t care and you’ll be stuck with a really bad haircut that makes you look like a boy. PLEASE trust me on this. You have really great 80’s hair and you’re going to regret it, I promise. Secondly: Sorry dear, you’re short. You’re not going to get much taller. It’s best if you accept this now, learn to love high heels and learn to hem. Also, when it comes to heredity – don't go by the women on Dad's side of the family when it comes to breasts. It must come from Mom’s side, ‘cause you’re going to have biguns. Best to accept that early, too. Seriously, embrace it. They’re not going anywhere and your efforts to disguise them and hope no one notices isn’t going to work. When Laura G. tells you that, secretly guys really don’t like big boobs, laugh at her. Flaunt ‘em!

Moving on. When Ronda wants to smoke clove cigarettes? Yeah, just don’t. I know it seems cool and it’s “not really smoking”, but it isn’t cool and it is really smoking. Just don’t, ‘k? Also, Ronda is going to move away in 10th grade. I know this seems like the end of the world, but you’re still going to be friends. Don’t fret about it so much. You’re going to be friends for another 25 years or more. However, when she comes to visit you, don’t let her sit on the windowsill of the car on the way up the mountain to the Depeche Mode concert at Red Rocks! She can thank me for this later. I can’t say much more about your friends because you have pretty good taste when it comes to friends, BUT, don’t let Laura bully you. She’s funny and can be fun to be around, no question about it, but she’s an unhappy, possibly unstable, definitely selfish person who will try to drag you down with her. Don’t get sucked in. In fact, don’t buy in to all of the drama in school. Especially with girls you don’t even know. I know it sounds like something Grandma would say, but it’s very true – “if you can’t say something nice – shut the fuck up!” (Ok, Grandma would never say it like that, but you get what I mean.) Speaking of Grandma, be sweet to her. She loves you more than anyone else in the world ever could and all she wants to do is spend a few minutes talking to you. Just do it. I know she repeats herself and she likes to talk about Jesus a lot… okay, A LOT, but she really is a kind, gentle, funny, generous person who just adores you. Suck it up and call her occasionally.

High school is going to be a roller coaster, but here’s some good info to know; it’s like that for EVERYONE! Yeah, seriously. Brad R.? Has his own problems! That pretty cheerleader (sorry, can’t remember her name)? Yeah, she has problems, too. Don’t think you’re special – you’re not. You are, however, very cute! Instead of chasing after burnouts or football players, you may want to look around at some of the more creative and smart boys who like you. I know you think they’re dorks (and maybe they are, I’m not always right), but they’re going to treat you much better than the guys you’re normally attracted to and they may actually grow up and make something of themselves. In fact, don’t chase boys! I can’t be more emphatic about that. If you like a boy and you’ve let him know and he isn’t reciprocating? MOVE ON! Do not keep hanging around, do not become friends with him in the hopes that he’ll eventually like you as more than a friend, do not mope about it while listening to The Cure, just walk away and find another boy to crush on.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re not fat. You have curves. You’re not built like a 13 year-old boy. The sooner you stop comparing yourself to your friends, the happier you’re going to be. Please believe me when I tell you that later, maybe even in high school, hell, maybe even now, the other girls are going to envy you for your boobs and your ass. Be proud. Oh, but stop tucking your jeans and/or leggings into your socks and wearing pink Reebok hi-tops. It just looks stupid.

Dad is going to make you take a typing class in 10th grade. Instead of arguing with him about it, take a computer class. You won’t need more Theater or English classes, so take it. You’ll probably be the only girl in the class, so use that to your advantage and get as much help from the nerdboys as possible. Also, it’s evidently not that important that you do well in your English/Language Arts classes. In the future, 80% of the population can’t speak English for shit and this will just make you crazy, so you might as well ditch those classes and focus more on lip gloss. It’ll probably be more useful to you.

About Dad? He’s not always right, but he’s not always wrong either. Listen to him sometimes and make an effort not to roll your eyes every time he speaks. (I specifically avoided splitting the infinitive there and do you think anyone will notice? No. This is why I say don’t waste your time excelling in English.) Keep in mind that he’s a 36-year-old, single man (which is NOT old, by the way) raising a teenage daughter the best way he knows how. He’s never done this before either, so give him a break when he doesn’t understand why you’re a crying, boycrazy, drama queen mess sometimes. He’s a guy. Also, it’s going to help you to know that most guys you’ll meet aren’t like Dad. They don’t hold open doors and help you put on your coat. They won’t carry handkerchiefs and keep their nails trimmed. They won’t know how to clean and cook and do laundry properly and iron and know which shoes match what outfit – they just won’t know, so don’t expect all guys to be like that. They’re not. Dad is weird.

I’m sure there’s much more I could tell you, but you’re pretty hardheaded and I doubt you’d listen anyway. I will tell you this though: Don’t smoke. Moisturize! Don’t be afraid of being yourself – sounds unbelievably trite, but it’s so true. You’re a really good kid and it’s not a bad thing to be smart. You’re not going to be liked by everyone and that’s OK!!! Don’t hate how you look (your freckles will mostly fade, by the way). Lose your virginity whenever you want, but do it because you really want to do it, not because you’re too embarrassed to say “no”. Don’t be mean to other girls just because your friends are. Accept that it’s okay to have unexpressed thoughts – seriously, try it. Taco Bell is not Mexican food, so stop saying you love Mexican food – you don’t. Wear your glasses when you read. Don’t give up vodka for 7 years because of one stupid night. Don’t be a jerk to boys who approach you, even if they’re not cool. It takes a lot of guts for them, so don’t be a bitch about it. Try shrimp, you’ll like it. Don’t waste 5 years on David S. Go to college and live in the dorms. Don’t be obnoxious in 8th grade Social Studies class. You and Ronda do not want to feel guilty for years that you contributed to your teacher quitting teaching. Oh and very important – when you’re 27, DO NOT sell your Qualcomm stocks!!!!

Love,
Lainey